


Life Goes On

by orphan_account



Category: E.R.
Genre: AU, Angst, Drama & Romance, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Other, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-16
Updated: 2015-09-16
Packaged: 2018-04-21 02:33:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 107,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4811675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carter comes back from Africa after an urgent call from home.  AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Darfur

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> his is how maybe life turned out for Carter, provided he gave up on the Kem relationship earlier, and ended up back in Chicago. I am probably one of the few who liked the Kem/Carter relationship, they did a great job of showing that they really loved one another, but how that sometimes is not enough when a devastating loss occurs, and geography intervenes, and they made Carter really happy when he was with her (until the end of season 10 when they experience the loss of their son of course), which was a nice change from the misery of the Abby year. I like Abby as a character, but she was wrong for Carter in my opinion, so I brought back a character who played a much smaller part in his life, and tried to expand on that.
> 
> I have included lots of the characters, and have written each section from a particular character point of view, but with dialogue - a little different from my last story (Dear Abby), which is complete.
> 
> I haven't watched much of the season 12-15 stuff, I liked the original cast, and didn't connect as much with some of the newer characters, so pretty much stopped watching once they had Carter leave, he was the last of the early characters to go - I know he was an original character, but they did have a few good ones come in during the earlier seasons, and they mostly left as well.
> 
> Carter turned out to be one of my favorite characters, they did some great story lines for him, I loved how they revealed more about him over time as he became one of the central character in the show. I did see the episodes where Carter came back in Season 15 and I don't think that his marriage to Kem survived, so I have written my own version of how things turn out for him, including him coming back to Chicago much earlier, reconnecting with characters that had left by season 12 (but don't in my version), and just making his life end up a little happier since he always seemed to have something bad happening to him
> 
> This was only my second FF.

Carter

Here I am several months after leaving Chicago, in an IDP camp in Darfur. I gave up my life in Chicago, and moved to Kinshasa to be with Kem, but within a few months things start to fall apart. Though I still love her, and she says she loves me, she cannot get over the loss of our son and though I have tried, there is nothing more I can do to help her, or save our relationship. She has told me that she doesn't think she will ever want to try and have another child, she just could not go through that again. This is only one of the many issues that we were trying to deal with. Sometimes I wonder if she secretly blames me for the loss of our son, if we had stayed in Africa maybe things would be different. We were in a country that is supposed to have the best health care in the world, but there was nothing we could have done to save him. I also know that Kem could never have been happy in Chicago, not permanently, the lifestyle and culture is very different, and her work in Africa is truly important. I know even if Joshua had lived, we would have likely moved back to Africa, or maybe Paris, and I would have been happy with her anywhere, if we could have recaptured what we had those first months we were together, before the world caved in. I would have stayed with her forever, but the Kem I first met disappeared, there were glimpses of her, times when she seemed the same, but it often felt that part of her died with our son.

I guess it doesn't matter, I can't control how she feels, I can't make her better, she needs to do that for herself. She has turned into a version of my mother, my mother was not able to move on after the death of my brother, instead running away and ignoring what she still had, another son and a husband. I have already lived that in my life, and I cannot do it again, if I don't go now, it will eventually destroy me. I sometimes feel like I am just a painful reminder to Kem, of what we lost, of what she is now too afraid to want - a child. I don't want to be that to her, causing her pain, so I have set her free, and I guess myself in the process.

Still, I don't regret trying to make it work with Kem, I loved her more than anyone in my life, but sometimes love is just not enough, I know this, it was not enough to save my relationship with Abby either. Not that I can compare the two, Kem is much more open than Abby ever was, and my love for Kem was different than my love for Abby. It has been difficult for both Kem and I, but I have finally let go, we have reached the end, realized it best for both of us. I still think of Joshua a lot, I will never forget him, but it doesn't mean I don't want to try again to have a family. If I am lucky I will find love again, to me it is worth trying. I am not going to turn into my parents, locked in their bubble of denial, refusing to move on.

I could not stay in Kinshasa as Kem is still living between there and Paris, and we need to make a clean break. I am not quite ready to go back home to Chicago either, I want to give myself a couple months away from everything, and then I will go back. It turns out Debbie, my friend from the Red Cross was going to work in an IDP camp in Darfur, with her new husband, Dr. Stephen Dakarai, and they need another doctor for a few months. I agreed to go with them, I would be with friends, and it seems like the right move for me at that point. I have now been here for just over two months, the works is tough, but we do what we can with limited supplies.

"Hey John, how are things going today?" Debbie comes up and gives me a quick hug, we have become very good friends, between our time in Kinshasa, and here in Darfur. I can talk to her about things I have never been able to share with anyone else, and she is the same with me. We have very few secrets, Debbie and I, she is a pretty amazing woman, Dakarai is lucky to have her.

"It has been a tough one today, sometimes I feel like we make no difference at all, they just keep coming"

Debbie nods, she knows what I mean. It has been tough for her too, seeing the endless stream of displaced people, may needing some sort of medical assistance. She also misses Dakarai, who has gone back to Kinshasa for a few days, but we are both hopeful he will get back soon with some much needed supplies.

We are starting on our next set of rounds when we hear a helicopter. It is unusual, everything usually arrives by truck, but the fighting and genocide has become much worse in the past couple of weeks, so maybe that is the only way they can get in supplies now. Debbie and I head over to greet the helicopter, Debbie is excited to see Dakarai jump down and head over to us. She gives him a warm embrace, then turns to me and gives me a quick hug.

"John, I have some news for you from the States" Dakarai looks at me, and I feel a twinge of concern at his expression "Luka in Chicago called Kinshasa and talked to Angelique, gave her a message to pass on from someone called Susan Lewis. She said to tell you that there is an urgent personal matter that requires you to come back to Chicago, they need you to go home right away."

I feel a sense of dread "What is it?" I shout over the noise of the helicopter.

Dakarai just shakes his head "I'm sorry, I don't know, Luka didn't tell Angelique what the issue was, just that it is urgent and personal and for you to please come home. If you get your stuff together right away, the helicopter will get you to Khartoum and you can get a flight out from there."

I look at Debbie, then head off quickly to my sleeping quarters, and throw my stuff into my pack. It does not take long, I don't have a lot of personal items. Living in Africa makes you realize what is important in life, the people here are happy with very little, they are mostly concerned for their family. I tuck my passport, travel documents and the bit of US money I have with me into one of the pockets of my pants and sling my pack across my shoulder. I head out to where the helicopter is waiting and to my surprise Dakarai and Debbie are also heading over with their bags.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

Debbie grabs my hand "Dakarai needs to go back to Kinshasa, and I am going to come with you to the States. I am overdue for a visit and I think maybe you need some company right now. We have a couple new doctors coming in tomorrow and Kent can give them the orientation."

I squeeze Debbie's hand "Thanks Debbie, the company will be great, I am a little worried about what is so urgent that Susan would call me to come home. And I bet your family will be happy to see you."

We all climb onto the helicopter, and it takes off, heading to Khartoum.


	2. And In Chicago

Abby

I pick up another chart and looks at the board. It has been another busy day in the ER, non stop patients, a couple of serious MVA's and other miscellaneous mishaps. Things have been okay in my career, but personally I have been pretty lonely, not finding that right person to spend my time with since Jake left. Jake was never going to be serious, I feel like he was more of the belated rebound guy when I realized Carter had truly moved on in his life. Though he moved on, I still held out hope that we could try again, that maybe he did love me, even just a little. After he lost his son and Kem went back to Africa, he seemed to have no interest in picking things up again, though I tried to get him to go for dinner or coffee a few times. I knew he needed a little time to get over his loss, but I wanted to be there when he finally was ready. I had also tried to get him back into meetings after his "slip" where he had come back to the ER drunk, but he never wanted to go….he had said he was okay, and he did tell me eventually that he was not interested in going back to AA or NA ever. He had started with a therapist and it had really helped him deal with a lot of issues and was never going back down the addiction road, he had worked too long and hard to get his life and reputation back.

He has been gone several months now , and I really miss him, even though we have never regained the close friendship we once had, I knew he did still care about me. He had paid my tuition, and he was able to work with me easily, it was only occasionally awkward when I made some comment about losing a child, or going to a meeting. I still wonder sometimes, what if I had done things differently when he came back from Africa the first time. Would we be together now? I still feel like I lost the love of my life, will I ever find the one I want to be with, now he is gone?

"Abby….Abby!" Susan breaks me out of my thoughts. "We have an MVA coming in, I need you now!"

I head out to the ambulance bay, Chuney hands me a gown and some gloves, I suit up and arrive in time for the ambulance to pull up. The paramedic opens the door, and I can hear a crying baby, and we pull out the gurney.

They start on the stats, and I look down to see the patient. I take in a breath as I realize it is Wendall, the Social Worker that had been at the County ER about a year ago. I heard she was working at Northwestern now, she transferred around the same she and Carter had stopped seeing each other. She is in really bad shape, and we get her to the trauma room quickly. I work on Wendall with Luka, and Susan quickly takes over the care of the baby, she seems to know him as she and Wendall have become friends. Susan comes into the room where we have managed to stabilize Wendall, and says the baby is okay. I don't know how old her son is, but she seems to have gotten on with her life too.

We send Wendall up for some exploratory surgery as we believe there is some internal bleeding, among other injuries. Susan calls Social Services and disappears with them, and sorts out some arrangements for the baby.

"It is always harder, when you know the person" I say to Luka.

He nods, and strips off his gloves and gown. We head back out, another MVA is coming in.


	3. Finding Carter

Susan

When Wendall comes in on a gurney, my heart almost stops. She and I have become good friends since her time in County ER and we talk all the time. She has a very cute baby boy, Logan, who is about 2 months old now, and I am thankful he is okay, though Wendall is in rough shape. I think of Carter, wondering where he is and thinking that he will want to know about Wendall, they were pretty close for a while before he left Chicago. I have no idea how to get hold of him.

I walk over to Luka at the admit desk.

"Luka, have you heard from John at all? Do you know where he is located, I can't get him on his cell phone, and there is no answer at the Paris number he left on file, or the number in Africa."

Luka shakes his head.

"Sorry, no I don't…last time I talked to Gillian he was in Kinshasa, so you might want to try there. What's the problem?"

“Someone’s looking for him, it's an urgent personal emergency, and they can't locate him, the NGO won't give them any information, he needs to come home. Do you have any contacts that could find him?"

I don’t really want to tell Luka that I need Carter to come home for Wendall. Wendall has family in Arizona, but her parents are not well and can't travel out here, her brother is in school somewhere, and I don't know how to find him.

Luka picks up the phone and next thing I know he is on the phone to Africa.

"Angelique, its Luka Kovac, how are you doing? I'm good….well you never know, I might come out for a couple weeks when I get holidays again…hey, I'm trying to find out where John Carter is at the moment." He looks over at me. “Where? Darfur? Is he crazy? He went with Debbie? No I never really got to know her, but I owe her, she drove all over Africa and helped John find me when I was there with Malaria. Is there any way to get hold of him? No, I understand, no phones. Can you get a message to him somehow? Great...tell him Susan Lewis is trying to get hold of him, he has a personal emergency in Chicago and he needs to come home right away. Yes, back to the States as soon as he can." Luka pauses, listening to Angelique. "Thanks Angelique, have him call when he can access a phone and ask for Susan Lewis. And tell him to get on the next plane home."

Luka puts down the phone.

"He's at an IDP camp in Darfur, there are no phones, so she is going to try and arrange a helicopter into the camp to airlift him out. She will have them pass on the message and see if they can get him on a plane home as soon as she can."

I touch Luka's shoulder.

"Wow, I have been trying for a while, I would have come to you sooner if I knew it was that easy. Thank you."

Luka shakes his head.

"Well, Angelique runs the clinic John and I worked at in Kisangani, and she is in Kinshasa now. Getting John out of Darfur might be anything but easy, communication is not great there. The violence has been escalating, so trying to airlift him out is risky, the Janjaweed are shooting at anything that moves." He notices the concerned look on my face and realizes he should not have said so much. "Susan, it's okay, I am sure he will be fine and they will get him out safely, it just might take a few days. By the way, is everything okay with his family?"

"Thanks Luka, I appreciate your help, but I can't really get into the nature of the emergency, especially here."

I glance around, and I know I have some interested eavesdroppers listening in to everything that has just been said. County has a vibrant rumour mill, and I need to be careful what I say.

 

Abby

I overhear Susan asking Luka to see if he can find Carter, some sort of personal emergency. We are busy all afternoon, but I track her down in the lounge as she is getting ready to head home.

"Hey Susan, are you okay?"

"Sure, I'm fine, just a little tired, and I'm worried about Wendall too. She has become a really good friend over the past year. I’m going up and see her in ICU. The surgery went well, and they are hopeful, but she hasn’t woken up yet. I think she is going to be in the hospital for a while."

“I'm glad the surgery went okay…I heard Luka was trying to get hold of Carter for you. Did you find him, is his family okay, it sounds urgent?”

"Yeah, it will be okay if I can get him home. I can’t really discuss it though, it is a personal matter for Carter, but he's needed in Chicago right away. I hope they can get him out of Darfur quickly, sounds like it a bit volatile at the moment. No phones, so they have to airlift him out by helicopter."

"What is that guy thinking, going to Darfur. He was wondering why I was so upset he went to Africa, and with good reason, when he and Luka were there the first time they ended up with guns to their heads, then Luka almost dies, and now John is in a place with no phones, and they are worried how they are going to get him out? I hope he stays home this time, but I guess his life is there now."

Susan shakes her head.

"I don't know, Abby, I guess we will have to wait and see. He did tell me one time that it’s a real eye opener, working there. So much need, so many to help, and he feels it makes a difference, and face it, his life over the past few years have been pretty rough. He has lost so much." Susan gives me a sideways glance. "You know you broke his heart, right? If you had been willing to talk to him, rather than kick him out that night, he probably would be here, with you, right now. He might have gone to find Luka, but he would have come home to you."

I look down.

"I have wondered that sometimes too, if I had been more understanding. I took it too personally when he went the first time, I did want to punish him for hurting me, and I really thought we would have time to work it out. It turns out that trip wasn't about me, it was about him needing time to deal with the loss of his grandmother, and the issues we were having. I regret that I wasn't there for him, when he really needed me, I pushed him away when I was upset and wouldn't talk to him. He finally had enough of me, he hit his breaking point, and I know that was my fault. I wish I had written him in Africa and begged him to come home, but I didn't have the courage, and when he did come home it was too late, he had moved on. You know I tried to make things up to him after Kem left, but by then he just didn't love me anymore, not in the way I needed him to, and ….Susan, I still love him, even after everything, I would take him back in a minute."

Susan looks at me sadly.

"I know Abby, I wish I could say that it would happen, but John and I had some long talks after he lost his son, and I know he needed to go, to see if he and Kem could work and I hope they are happy. He really deserves some happiness for a change. I'm sorry that it turned out like this for you though."

"I know, Susan, I have only myself to blame, for throwing away something so good, all over my own insecurities. I want him to be happy too, but I have regrets."


	4. Missing

**Susan**

I think a lot about what Abby said, and I do wish that it had worked out for her and Carter, but Carter was a good friend too. we reconnected as friends after I came back from Pheonix, and we had quite a few talks when he was dealing with the loss of his son, and Kem going back to Africa. I never wanted to tell Abby, but Carter said he loved Kem in a way he had never loved Abby, I think maybe because Kem was open with her feelings.

When Kem was in Chicago, he looked the happiest he had ever been in the entire time I've known him. I saw how they were together, she never hesitated to say she loved him, she was incredibly happy about the baby too, you could see how much they loved each other. She was able to give back to him in a way that Abby never could, and Carter really needed that in his life.

I think back to a conversation I had with Carter after he had returned with Kem, happy, in love and looking forward to having a family.

_"Susan, I love her more than I could ever imagine loving anyone."_

_"I know, I can see it whenever I look at the two of you, it seems like a very different relationship than with Abby."_

_"It is, with Abby, I could never break down that wall, I tried everything to show her how much I cared, but nothing was ever enough. She couldn't see that her drinking was a problem, she always thought I was trying to fix her, but I knew I couldn't stick around a watch her self-destruct, which was where it was heading. I came back from Belize when Eric's plane went down and she was passed out drunk, she didn't know I was coming back, so she didn't hide the evidence. She was lying to me about the drinking, saying it was under control when it clearly wasn't, she wouldn't open up about her feelings, she was shutting me out._

_I had a chat with her mom, Maggie when I drove her to the bus station. That was the night I was going to propose, but Maggie said something, about her marriage to Richard, how Abby couldn't communicate, that she thought they loved each other but it wasn't enough and they ended up unhappy, that Abby might never be able to change. I tried to get Abby to tell me how she was feeling that night, and she couldn't open up, so I didn't do it, I knew we weren't ready, that we might never be ready for that kind of commitment and it would only lead to an unhappy marriage, and in time divorce.. Then when my grandmother died, it all fell apart, she chose to go to Eric, and I knew then that it would always be that way, her family would come first. And I get needing to support your family, but I needed her, for once it was me who needed the support, and she couldn't give it. If I meant that little after all we had been through in the past year, then did she even really love me at all? She could never tell me she did, and those last couple months she was not showing it either. She was angry when I went to Africa, even though it wasn't about her, she made like it was. I came back and tried to talk to her, but she made it clear to me – you know, asking for her key back, the bag of stuff on my locker, the snarky comments in the trauma room – that she considered it over. I gave up, I couldn't do it anymore, I needed her to meet me halfway, and she didn't, or couldn't, whatever, she effectively ended it when she asked for her key back. Being in Africa was so simple, I was able to leave the stress and frustration of the last few months behind, and I needed some time to get over Abby, so I stayed."_

_Susan looked at Carter "Wow, I didn't know it had gotten so bad with Abby, I know you were concerned about the drinking, but I never knew she was drinking that much. And I'm really sorry about how it ended up with your grandmother, but maybe at the end of the day it worked out for the best. You seem like you are finally happy, and you deserve to be. I thought Abby was the one for you, maybe I wouldn't have given you up if I knew it was going to end up like that for you both."_

_Carter laughed "Yeah, right, you couldn't wait to get rid of me. If we had acted on our feelings a few years ago, it might have been different, but I was too hung up on Abby this time around. But you seem happy with Chuck, and that is great Susan. And I am done ruining good friendships, no more romance with friends. And I am happy, Kem is such a different person, she is more in touch with her feelings, we talk, I don't have to wonder what she is thinking, she just tells me. I still care about Abby, but I didn't see any future with her, the love I had for her is gone."_

_Susan nodded, and gave Carter a hug. "I am really happy for you."_

I move over to my locker and get ready for my shift.

As I head out to admit, Frank calls to me.

"Dr. Lewis, you have a call from Africa, some Angelique person is asking for you."

Angelique? Maybe a message from John, I quickly pick up the phone, glancing over and seeing Abby watching me. As soon as she heard the word 'Africa' I know she was thinking of Carter.

"Susan Lewis speaking….oh Angelique, did you get hold of John Carter? What!"

I finish up the call, and then sink into a chair. I can feel the tears running down my cheeks, and then a hand on my shoulder

"Susan, what's wrong?" Abby's voice is nervous.

I shake my head, I'm unable to speak. I put my head in my hands and let out a little sob, my mind is in turmoil. I hear Luka's deep accented voice.

"What is going on?"

I finally look up with the tears still on my face.

"They were airlifting him out of the camp, but his helicopter has gone missing…I insisted he come home, and he is missing. They think the helicopter was shot down outside of Khartoum."

I get up and run into the ladies room. I can't believe this is happening, what if he doesn't come home, and it's all my fault.


	5. Return to County

**Carter**

We head toward Khartoum, Dakarai is up front with the pilot and I am sitting in the back with Debbie. We chat, thinking about how nice it will be to have real food and hot showers for a while, trying to take my mind off wondering what the issue is back at home.

Suddenly the helicopter shudders, a loud bang shatters the air, and alarms start going off.

The pilot James swears out loud, I can hear the note of panic in his voice, though he is trying to hide it.

“I think we’re hit, we’re losing altitude….hang on everyone, I'm going to try and bring this down as easy as possible."

I pull Debbie close to me and we both holding on as the helicopter starts a dizzy spin towards the ground. Debbie has her eyes closed tight, I can see the pilot trying to regain control and Dakarai clutching his seat as we descend rapidly. In the blink of an eye we slam into the earth, and I black out.

Next thing I know, Debbie is shaking me urgently.

"John, John, wake up, please, please wake up." Debbie chokes out, she’s crying and I force open my eyes, disoriented. "We have to get out, John, please, we need to get out."

I lift my hand to my pounding head, my fingers coming away red from the blood trickling down my cheek. My chest hurts, and I feel a little dizzy, but the smell of smoke forces me to get up. I crawl forward and check on the pilot and Dakar, neither have a pulse, they're both dead.

Debbie is sobbing uncontrollably, the thick black smoke makes me cough. We both crawl out of the helicopter, I see flames licking up the sides, I grab her hand and haul her away quickly as the flames hit the fuel tank, and the entire thing explodes. The force knocks us to the ground, we lay there for a minute. Debbie stares at the helicopter engulfed in fire.

"Dakarai….he's gone."

I put my arm around her and squeeze her tightly.

"Debbie, I'm sorry." My throat closes up, I can’t get anything else out, I know I've lost a good friend, and Debbie has lost her husband, just like that, in a split second the whole world has changed.

We cannot stay here, the rising smoke is bound to attract some attention. I take note of the sun’s position in the sky, and decide on a direction, and look at my watch, trying to figure out how long we were in flight. I am not exactly sure how far we are from Khartoum, but I know we must be close and I know what direction we need to go.

"Debbie, we have to go" I whisper softly, recognizing she is in shock and buried in grief.  "We need to get out of here, if we want to survive."

She nods, the tears are still streaming down her face.

I use my sleeve and wipe the blood off my face, and quickly assess Debbie for injuries, she is bruised, but otherwise she seems okay. I pull her to her feet, and we set off as quickly as we can.  The heat of the day is setting in, but we can not afford to stop, the Janjaweed are everywhere, and the only chance we have is to keep moving.

My other worry is we have only one small bottle of water between us, Debbie was still clinging to it as we left the helicopter.  We ration it carefully, taking small sips every half hour, just enough to keep our parched mouth slightly moistened.  I am grateful for the small miracle that we have any water at all.

We both look around like skittish cats as we make our way across the barren landscape, hoping our luck holds out long enough for us to either find some help or make it into the city.

Hours later, we finally reach the outskirts of Khartoum, and manage to hitch a ride with some of the locals.  We gratefully accept some water, we are both severely dehydrated by this time. They drop us off near the airport, and we head in, both finding a restroom, where we manage to clean up a little.  

Having the chance to wash off the blood and the cool water on my face is refreshing after the long haul across the dry landscape.

I wait patiently outside the ladies room for Debbie, when she finally comes out she takes my hand, holding tight.

"We need to find a phone, and see if we can book some plane tickets out of this hell hole."

Debbie sniffles, but nods, and we start looking for a phone.  The first three our out of order, but eventually find a phone that works and I place a collect call to Chicago, to my travel agent Katie. She accepts the charges, she has known me for years and books all my travel.

"Katie Wisher, please. Hi Katie, John Carter. I know long time….hey, I need your help, kind of an emergency. I need some tickets ASAP – Ummmm Khartoum – Khartoum….. the Sudan, South Africa. Long story, but I need two tickets, back to Chicago as soon as you can get them."

Debbie is sitting with her head in her hands. I reach over and gently touch her shoulder.

"Debbie, do you have your passport?"

She starts digging in her clothing and pulls out a couple items, fortunately she had tucked her passport into one of her pockets, not in her travel bag. I read out her full name and passport number, birthdate and I pull my passport out and do the same.

"Yeah, Katie, you still have an open credit card on my file, right? Put them both on there…London is great. Can you arrange a charter flight from London? Yeah, a private jet would be great, I don't think we can do that many hours on a commercial flight. Perfect, what airline…yeah I am at the airport in Khartoum, we will go pick up the tickets now….45 minutes is fine."

I drop the receiver back down on the phone and pull Debbie to her feet and we head over the airline counter, present our passports and collect our tickets, and go through security. We get a few looks, we are both pretty dirty and I have blood on my shirt, but they let us through. I try unsuccessfully to find another working phone, I want to make a couple calls to let people know we are okay, they must be missing us by now. It will have to wait, they are now calling our flight for boarding.  If I had been thinking I would have asked Katie to call County with a message for Luka or Susan, but too late now, we are on the plane and will be in London in a few hours.

The flight is rough, but we finally get to Heathrow.  As we come through arrivals, there is a man with a sign for Dr. John Carter, Katie has sent us a car, I make a note to send her a thank you gift when we get back to the States.

I greet him, and ask if he can give us just a few minutes. I have enough cash to buy us a couple of clean t-shirts and we both quickly change in the bathroom. We get in the car, Debbie leans against me and closes her eyes. The driver takes us to a private hanger, and the pilot greets us. Debbie looks at the plane, then back to me, then the plane, as I pull her aboard.

"How did you get a private plane?"

I shrug. "I don't think either of us can take 8 hours on a commercial flight, even in first class, so I chartered. This way we can get some sleep and it will take us about half the time to get back to the States."

My head is really throbbing and I hurt all over, but I am still reluctant to take any medication. We settle into seats, and the pilot is ready to take off, the flight attendant offers us some refreshments.

"Some water please, lots and lots of water.  And whatever you have ready to serve for food is great."

Debbie shakes her head and leans back in her seat.

"I'm not that hungry, but some water would be good."

She drinks some, then she curls up on one of the seats and I put a blanket over her, hoping she will get some rest on the flight home. I go into the bathroom and strip down as much as I can, and have a bit of a wash, I have bruises all over, a gash above my eye, and a nice bruise on my cheek.  I look like I came out on the losing side of a fight, but it could be worse.  My mind flits over the loss of the pilot and Dakar in the crash, the numbing hours of trekking into Khartoum and the blur of the airport.  

I get redressed, feeling a little better, but my ribs hurt like crazy, and does my head. I ask for some ice, and put it on my forehead and make myself comfortable as I can, dozing on and off for the entire flight. Soon the flight attendant Wendy is shaking me gently, letting me know we are landing. We are met at the hangar by customs, the agent gives us a long hard look, and I explain that I was an NGO volunteer in Darfur, and we had trouble in Khartoum and that Debbie is International Red Cross. He inspects our passports, and makes a couple calls, then lets us go, we crawl into the waiting car. I ask for it to take us to County, we both need medical attention, and I really need to speak with Susan.

Debbie is almost catatonic, I check her vitals quickly, I think she is in a bit of shock, and I can't blame her, but we are on our way, she cuddles up to me and I put my arm around her.

"It's okay, Debbie, we are okay."


	6. Alive

**Susan**

Another shift, yesterday was rough on everyone, with the news that Carter was missing it has been a bit quiet and somber. We try to go about our work, and keep busy, but it has not been easy. I keep thinking that it's my fault he was traveling at all, but I was not sure what else to do under the circumstances.

Luka walks up and rubs my back.

"Susan, don't worry, they will find them."

I wish I could feel like he wasn't just trying to make me feel better, but the truth is, I don't believe him.  The more time passes, the less chance he is coming back alive, which leaves some very tough choices.  

I feel the tears coming to my eyes, I feel so helpless, which is tough for an ER doctor, but I should be used to it.

"I sure hope so" I whisper. "He was only on the helicopter because of me."

"Susan, you can't think like that.  He knew the risks, he is a big boy and can take care of himself, he has faced some harsh realities in the Congo and Darfur, he will know what to do.  You learn a lot of survival skills, he has been there long enough to be able to deal with the terrain, he can recognize the various sects and factions there, he will get himself back, just you watch."

"You are such a liar, Luka, he may very well have died when the helicopter went down, or they might have shot him, or..."

"Stop it Susan.  Give it some time, and whatever happens, he put himself into a war zone, you are not to blame."

I have been holding it together as best I can. I see Abby struggling with her emotions as well, she said she almost didn't come in today but needed to keep busy.  Her main comment was that she hated that Carter had put himself in such a risky situation to start with.

It is almost time for me to go off shift, when I hear Sam who is manning the door squeal.

"Dr. Carter!"

I start and look over at the doors, and I think I am hallucinating, but there he is, he looks exhausted, and he has a huge bruise on his cheek. There is a pretty, but also exhausted blond clinging to him, like she will never let him go.

"John!" I run over and give him a hug as best I can around the clinging blond, and he grimaces in pain, but gives me a bit of a smile.

"Susan, I hope whatever brought me back here is really important." He looks down at Debbie "What is open? She needs some medical attention, I think she is a bit in shock and has some pretty good bruises. She might need some x-rays."

"It looks like maybe you need a little medical attention yourself. What happened? How did you get here, we thought you were missing!"

"Our helicopter went down outside of Khartoum, and it has been a long trip. The pilot and Debbie's husband Dr. Dakarai were both killed, we barely made it out alive." He spoke softly as the pretty blond clutched him just a little tighter. "Can we get Debbie a bed, and get her checked over, right away? If you could take care of her?"

I nod at him, and pull them into Curtain 2, where both beds are empty. I call Chuney to get Debbie into a gown, and make John sit on the second bed. Abby comes running in and she almost launches herself at Carter, hugging him and crying.

"Easy Abby, I think I broke some ribs, and I have bruises all over."  Carter extricates himself from her gently, seemingly more concerned with Debbie than himself, he keeps looking over as we start to check Debbie over.

"Start an IV Chuny, she seems dehydrated.  Debbie, we are going to get you cleaned up a bit more and see if there are any injuries we need to deal with right away.

Abby pulls back from Carter and wipes her face "Sorry….okay then lets get you checked out."

Carter can't lift his arm, so Abby cuts off his shirt, and they bring in the portable for some x-rays. He has 3 cracked ribs, and is pretty bruised, but no serious injuries. He admits he thinks he blacked out when they hit the ground, so we want to send him for a scan, we clean up the gash on his head, and give him an IV with antibiotics since it has been more than 24 hours since it happened. He agrees to the scan but wants an update on Debbie first.

She seems okay we do an ultrasound on her belly due to the bruising, but all seems okay, and then we find a heartbeat. I look over at Carter then go and whisper to him.

"Did you know that she's pregnant?"  I look at Debbie.  "Did you know Debbie?"

Carter looked surprised and shook his head.

"No, but it's not necessarily something she would tell me. How far along is she and is everything okay?"

I am able to find the heartbeat again and measure it, and all looks good for now, surprising when you look at her, she is pretty beat up from the crash. I estimate she is about 8 or so weeks, and Debbie nods, and seems relieved that she is still pregnant after what she has gone through.

Carter goes over and pulls her into his arms, tells her everything is going to be okay. Debbie is crying, her whole body shaking as Carter hugs her.

"We just found out, and Stephen was so excited. Now he's gone."

Carter looks at me over the top of her head.

"Can we make her as comfortable as possible, this has been a rough 24 hours." He is still holding Debbie close to him, but she finally pulls away wiping her face and sinks back on the pillows.

I do what I can to make her comfortable, and we get Carter in for a scan right away. Everything looks good, I am relieved he is here, and safe.


	7. Unexpected News

**Carter**

Debbie is resting comfortably, and Susan finds me a scrub top to replace the shirt Abby cut off me. I hurt all over, but I really need to know why it was so urgent that I come home.

“Susan, what's going on. You tell me to hurry up and come home, I need to know why. And can you get Luka to call the Alliance and let them know that Debbie and I are safe and in Chicago?  They have to be worried.”

Susan nods and goes over to see Luka, then she motions towards the lounge.

"Let's go where we can talk, we need a little privacy for this."

I am pretty curious, and nervous about what she is going to say, if it was something to do with my family, wouldn’t my dad have contacted me? Unless it is about my dad, considering he is one of the few family members I have left.  We go into the lounge and we sit down and Susan looks at me and says something entirely unexpected.

“John, Wendall was brought in a few days ago, she was involved in a serious MVA. She’s up in the ICU, she had surgery and we are not sure when she's going to wake up. When she does, she will be here a while and she’ll need quite a bit of time to recover."

I know I have a totally confused look on my face, Wendall and I broke up a very long time ago, it’s been close to a year, and I’m not sure why Susan made an emergency call to me in Africa.

“You brought me home because of Wendall?”  I try to read her face, but she’s impassive, the doctor training taking over.  “What are the extent of her injuries?”

Susan tells me, I listen closely, and it’s not a great prognosis, the fact that she hasn’t woken up, even with positive brain scans isn’t a good sign.  

“I’m sorry, how is her family?”

“All right, I suppose, her parents are distraught, but not well enough to come out, her younger brother is in school overseas.”

“Right...so why call me? I don’t know that she would want or need me to be here, it didn’t end that well between us. I don't understand why you had me come home."

"I know you don't, but let me explain and it will make more sense."  Susan reaches out and takes my hand, giving me a faint smile.  "Wendall and I kept in touch, we became good friends. John, she had her son with her in the car. He is okay, he was in a car seat and he had no injuries, thankfully.”

“Wait...what?”  I think I misheard her, but she is looking at me funny and I know there’s more.  “Wendall has a son?  She never said anything about...”  It’s starting to hit me, I can see it in her eyes.  “How old is he?”

“Two months.” 

My mind is already calculating how long I have been gone, when Wendall and I dated, how old this baby is and I stare at Susan for a minute, with the question awkwardly sitting between us. "Susan, are you saying that this baby is mine?"

Her brows go up and the nod is slight, but...that is exactly what she is saying.  I feel like I have been sucker punched to the gut...Wendall had my child and I knew nothing about it.

“Yeah, that is exactly what I’m saying.”

“What...how...why...”  The confusion clouds my mind and I can’t seem to form a sentence.

Susan squeezes my hand.

“Deep breath, John, deep breath.  I know this is a shock, but...she wanted to tell you, she did, but things got in the way.”

“Things?  Are you kidding?  Things got in the way?  She had a baby and the excuse for me not knowing is...things got in the way?”  My anger rises suddenly, I’m livid for a moment, but reality sets in.  She’s upstairs, in a coma, and...where is the baby?

“Where is he?  You said he’s okay...where’s the baby?  Is he here?”

“No, he’s not, I took him home, he’s at my place, with Chuck.  DCFS let me take him, because they know Wendall and I are close.”

“You have him...and she told you...he’s mine?”

“Yes...she transferred to Northwestern, she actually came in to see you shortly after you left.  At that point it was still early, but...I noticed she’d...gained some weight, and she finally told me why she needed to contact you, but she hesitated since you had gone back to Kem, and you were in Africa. Then she decided you really needed to know, but she couldn't find you, and the NGO wouldn't tell her how to get hold of you. When she came in after the MVA I saw what bad shape she was in, and I know she doesn't have anyone in her family who is able to take the baby, I knew I had to get you to come home. You need to take care of your son, John."

I bury my face in my hands for a minute, I’m overwhelmed by emotion. I feel Susan move over to the couch and put her arm around me.

"Are you okay?"

“Yeah, yeah, it’s so...unexpected, and a little overwhelming to find this out. I had no idea, I wish I _had_ known. So what is the next step, if you have him, can I just take him?"

"You need to meet with DCFS and a Social Worker, they let me take him temporarily and I told them I was going to try and get you home. You are on the birth certificate, so it should be a formality. I can call them now and let them know you’re here, and willing to take him. I’ll call Chuck and tell him to meet us upstairs, it will be better if we do this away from the ER, no one else knows he’s yours.”

"And Wendall told you...he's my son?"

Susan nodded in confirmation. "She did say he was yours.  Don't you think he is?"

I think for a second and I have to admit, it all fits.  The dates, his age...very possible.

“I’m sure Wendall wouldn't say it if it wasn't true, and the dates fit, so…wow, I'm…I don't know what I am Susan…..it has been such a crazy couple of days, and now this." I trail off, totally lost for words. I have a two month old baby?  A son.

Susan rubs my back while I take a few deep breathes.

"I know…you know Wendall was concerned about telling you. You had a pretty rough time a couple years ago, and she waited to make sure everything was okay with the baby, but then you weren’t here when she came to find you.  Let me make that call.”

She got up and picked up the phone.

"Hi Lisa, Susan Lewis. John Carter is here…yeah I found him and he's home. We're in the ER, can we come up? Okay, let Marcy know too and we will be right there." She hung up “Let's go upstairs, and I'll call Chuck."

"Can I see Wendall too? I would like to see how she is doing. I know our break up was not great, but I still did care about her."

Susan nods. "We can stop by after we see Lisa and Marcy." She grabs my hand and pulls me up off the couch. "Ready?"

"Yeah, I'm ready.  Susan?"

"What?"

"What's his name?"

"Logan.  Your sons name is Logan."


	8. Love at First Sight

**Susan**

I can tell he’s in shock, but I know Carter, he won’t walk away now that I have delivered the news, he’s not that kind of guy.  I wish with all my heart Wendall had been the one to tell him, but circumstances dictate my course of action.

He’ll make a great dad, I know that for a fact.

I’m not sure what is going on with his relationship with Kem, not yet anyway, I have taken a risk, he would be within his rights to take Logan and go back to his wife.

He’ll share when he is ready, and to be fair he hasn't even had a chance to take a deep breath since he got back and I dropped this on him.

We get up to the office and I give his hand a squeeze, he holds it tightly, his expression says it all.

“Come in with me, you've talked to Wendall about this, I need you to be here."

I nod, and proceed into the office with him, he’s been my friend for a long time, I want to be here for him. I know with his grandmother gone, he has no family in Chicago, his parents have been absent for most of his life. Shortly after we "dated" we talked a lot, I was surprised to find out the truth about his family.  I finally understood why he always said that money isn't everything – it hasn't made him happy that he is incredibly wealthy, he has experienced more loss and pain than anyone should, and his parents are nowhere to be found.

I’m proud of him though, he’s doing great things with all the power and money he has now, building a health center and he donates his time to an NGO in Africa, and also, I found out, he was only paid enough by County to qualify him for the malpractice insurance, on the condition they use the money to keep another doctor on staff, I know this as the Chief in the ER. He simply does not need to work, he has never needed to work in his entire life, yet he does.

I knew he was rich, but I was surprised to learn how rich….his grandmother left him everything, the mansion, and full control of the family fortune, making him president of the Carter Family Foundation. I know I was upset when they offered him tenure, and I had heard a rumour he wrote a cheque for $150 million dollars plus promised an endowment to build the Carter Centre and I thought that was why he got tenure and I didn't. And maybe it was, at least a little bit, but it turns out he has also published quite a bit, and brought in grant money of over $1 million, plus he teaches, he was Chief Resident and he was an Attending until he left for Africa.

He has always seemed like a regular guy, you only catch glimpses of his actual wealth, like when he is dressed up for something in one of his expensive tuxedos and comes to the ER, or he picks you up in a limo and calls it "a car".

I remember when he was dating Abby, she told me they went to a benefit for some music hall. We were out at "Girls Club", and she kinds of let it slip that Carter had written a $10 million dollar cheque that night and he didn't even blink. Jing Mei didn't seem at all surprised, but then her family had money too, and she knew Carter pretty well, but Abby couldn't believe it.

I’ve gotten over the tenure thing, after all they probably would have offered it to him anyway, and to me he’s just Carter, not one of the wealthiest men in Chicago. And right now he is my friend who needs my support.

**Carter**

I’m grateful when Susan agrees to come in with me, I don’t want to do this alone. I know I could, but it feels good to have a friend beside me, holding my hand. This is a life changing step, but I know I need to do this, if I have a child, then I am going to make sure he’s taken care of, be part of his life, I cannot walk away.

"John Carter? I am Lisa with DCFS, and this is Marcy, with Social Services."

I shake both their hands, and nod.

"Nice to meet you"

“John...coffee?”  Susan touches my shoulder gently, she can see I’m totally exhausted.

“Please.”  I give her a grateful look.

Lisa and Marcy are clearly observing me and I realize I must look pretty rough still. I smile, hoping to take the edge off, break the ice a little.

"I just got back from Darfur, our helicopter went down outside of Khartoum, I haven't even been home yet, I usually look a little better."

"John had a rough time getting home, but I've known him since he was a med student, I can vouch for him. He worked in the County ER on and off for 11 years."

Lisa and Marcy both look relieved, and Lisa flips open a file.

"So Dr. Lewis has filled you in on why she wanted you to come home?"

"Yes, I was surprised, but I am glad she found me."

Lisa slid over a copy of the birth certificate, and I note Wendall's name, mine as the father, and the name Logan Christopher Carter, and his birthdate.

"John, I understand you had no knowledge of the child before today, so based on the information supplied here, do you think this child is yours? And if so are you willing to take legal responsibility for this child given his mother is currently unable to care for him?"

"I will take full legal responsibility for him."

Marcy leans forward a bit.

"Are you financially able to care for him? I understand that you have been in Africa, and are not currently employed in Chicago. Do you have a home here, and sufficient resources to take care of Logan? Are you going to need any financial assistance to make this work?"

I cannot help but give a little laugh, and I hear Susan give a little cough like she choked on her coffee.

"I think I can manage, I have a house here in Chicago, and I don't need any financial assistance."

I can see Susan looking at me out of the corner of her eye and she is trying not to laugh out loud.

Lisa has an inquiring look on her face, and she gives a faint smile.

"I think I am missing something here."

Susan pats me on the shoulder.

"Dr. Carter is certainly in a good financial position. He is the president of the Carter Family Foundation that is funding the building of the new clinic….you know…. The Carter Centre? You can verify with Dr. Kerry Weaver, the Chief of Staff if you need, but take my word for it, he is more than capable of taking care of Logan."

Lisa and Marcy look at each other and back at me and I shrug.  Susan knows I have a lot of money, I am more surprised that Lisa and Marcy seem to have no idea, given the rumours that run around County.

"That pretty much sums it up, so yes, I can take care of Logan, the work issue is not a problem, I don't need to work, so I can take some time off right now.  It seems he might need a little extra care, given he is so young."

"Okay then, I guess we have no more questions. Can you supply us your address and current phone number, and given Dr. Lewis vouches for you, and you obviously can provide for the child, we can get him turned over to you. I have a couple documents for you to sign."

She pulls out a few sheets of paper and I read through them, and then sign and date the bottom. I give Lisa my address and phone number.

Susan's pager goes off, and she excuses herself for a minute, then she is back, and she has Logan with her.

"Chuck just arrived, John, meet your son."

I stand and she places him gently in my arms, and I cannot take my eyes off him. He is beautiful, gazing up at me with big brown eyes. He gives a little cry, but I rock him and hold him close, and he stops right away, reaching up with a tiny hand to grab my finger.

Susan is smiling at me.

"He has your eyes, I noticed that right away."

"Yes, he does." I am instantly in love with this little person, he does have my eyes, and there is no doubt in my mind that he is my son. I feel content, and happy holding him in my arms, and I know it is all going to be okay.

I can feel Lisa and Marcy watching me with him, but I am comfortable, I have delivered and held a LOT of babies, and I love kids. I smile reassuringly at both of them.

"I think I should get this little guy home."

Susan puts her arm around my shoulders.

"You are a natural, John, you're going to do great. I know you don't have a car here, so Chuck left the baby seat and I will give you a ride home and help you get some supplies for Logan."

I look at her gratefully.

"I would appreciate that Susan, there is not a scrap of food in my house, since I have been gone several months. And I don't have diapers or formula for him, and I am sure he is going to want to eat sometime tonight."

Lisa tells me she will be in touch in a few days to make sure everything is going okay, and we head out of the office. We make a quick stop in the ICU, Susan takes Logan for a minute so I can go in and see Wendall. I touch her cheek, hoping that she is going to be okay.


	9. What Happens in Africa

**Susan**

I can see Carter is in love with Logan immediately, he is a truly beautiful baby. He has his daddy's eyes, I remember noticing that right when I first saw him, I never doubted for a minute that Carter is his father. I think Carter is pretty convinced too. The breakup between Wendall and Carter was difficult, but I know she was a bit in love with him, he just could not return the feelings, having had just had one of the worst years in his life.

I call Chuck and let him know I am going to help John out tonight, so not to worry if I am really late getting home, or I don't show up at all. I can see that John is exhausted, and emotionally drained, he has had a long trip home, and I think he is going to need some help tonight. I leave Carter upstairs with Logan for now, I don't think is the best time for him to have to deal with ER and all the questions and gossip that will start once people realize what is going on. I go to check on Debbie, she is awake now, and feeling a little better, well enough that she can be released. I get her to dress, I have found her a pair of scrubs, discharge her, then take her upstairs. She is surprised when she sees John with the baby.

Debbie walks over, I notice her absently rub her own belly as she peers down at the baby.

"Who is this little guy, John? He is absolutely adorable."

John gives her a bit of a smile.

"Well, meet my son, Logan. This is my "personal emergency" his mom was badly injured in an accident and can't take care of him right now, so I am taking him."

Debbie slides her arm around John.

"Wow, he is gorgeous, how old is he?"

"Just over 2 months old. We are going to head home, if you are ready, I have a guest room, you can stay as long as you like, and we will get you home to Seattle when you are ready. You can phone your family when we get to my house, in case no one has contacted them yet. Susan is going to drive us and pick up a few things so let her know if you need anything. Since I haven't been home in months, there is not much in the house."

Debbie nods, and we head out the front door to my car. We get to Carters house, which is pretty nice I have to admit. One of the older houses first built during the railway times, but fully renovated and very tastefully at that, and in great area.

I can see Debbie taking in the surroundings, and she gives a faint smile.

"Well Richie Rich, I know how you managed to put $20,000 on a credit card and charter a plane from London…should have kept hold of you while I could."

I do a little double take at that comment…. Carter and Debbie, wonder when that little item happened? I am going to have to get John talking about Africa.

I can see John flick a little glance towards me and he knows I caught that remark, he just rolls his eyes slightly, but I think BUSTED, you are so busted buddy.

I go into the kitchen, and Carter is not kidding, there is nothing that even resembles food, but he was planning to be away indefinitely. The place is spotless, so someone must be coming in to dust and check on things. John gives me Logan, then takes Debbie upstairs and shows her the guest room then comes back down and we start to make a list, including a few items for Debbie.

"You know Carter, I am not going to let that little comment from Debbie slide…just a friend? Realllllly?"

"So you did catch that comment. Well, Debbie and I were involved just after I went to Africa the second time, so after Abby but before Kem. Now we are just really good friends, nothing else going on there.

I stop and look at him.

"How did you meet Debbie?"

"I met her when I went looking for Luka, she is with the Red Cross and was able to get Gillian and I into the areas we needed to go, we were treating people as we went along, it worked great. Gillian is a nurse from Montreal so it was our cover. Debbie risked a lot to take us the last few miles into heavily Mai Mai occupied territory, which is where we found Luka."

"So Gillian…"

"Nope, no involvement with Gillian, but Luka sure liked her."

I laugh, Luka has a certain reputation, there was a time when he was starting to remind me of Doug Ross and his womanizing. Though now he is with Sam, and it seems to be going well.

"She was the one that came back with him? She was pretty attractive."

"Yeah, Gillian is very attractive, but she was…. sleeping with Luka. Though Gillian is a bit of a free spirit, and I don't think she is the type to hang onto one guy for very long."

"So, Gillian offered and you said no?"

Carter gives a bit of a laugh.

"Something like that. It was all kind of strange, actually. We spent that night trying to save four people they brought in, and one did not survive. Luka and I were sitting and talking a bit, afterwards, and Gillian comes in, and she pours us a drink...then proceeds to get up and say she is going to bed if 'anyone' wants to join her. I thought maybe I was imagining it at first, but nope, she really was offering an open invitation. Africa works on its own rules, I think being in a war zone changes priorities pretty quickly. So anyway, I declined to take the invitation, for many reasons."

"And Luka accepted?"

"I guess he did, not really my business. I would not have accepted anyway, not my thing if you know what I mean, and...I did not know what was going on with Abby, so even though we broke up as soon as I got back, it still would have felt like I was cheating on her. I couldn't do it."

I nod, and I know he is telling me the truth. Carter has dated and been with quite a few women, but I have never heard of him cheating on any of them. And I am sure I would have, he often dated someone from the hospital environment, and it would have made the rounds in the rumour mill. It is hard to have a real relationship with someone when you are working the crazy and long shifts required to finish your medical training, and dating someone who can understand that...well it just makes things so much easier. Carter always seemed to have a girlfriend.

The rumour mill at County is vibrant, even those affairs that are supposed to be secret are almost always revealed. I know there was a pretty good one going around about Carter and the Pediatric Surgeon when he was an intern. I never asked him if it was true, I didn't want to know, the Surgeon at very least could have been in big trouble for that one and it is possible Carter would have lost his internship as well. Even when he dated Wendall, he and Kem were "on a break" living on different continents and I understood that they had both been seeing other people, and Kem knew about Wendall. And Wendall knew about Kem though in the end I think that doomed the relationship, as Wendall realized Carter wasn't as ready to move on as he said he was.

"But you must have gotten involved with Debbie fairly quickly after you and Abby broke up."

"I guess, but Abby and I _were_ officially over at that point, and Debbie is not at all like Gillian, it was different. It was never serious, Debbie knew I was just out of a relationship, and she was just getting out of a bad relationship with a guy in Seattle, so she was rebound girl, and I was rebound guy, and it was perfect, no stress, no expectations, just…fun? She really is great, and she will be a friend for life, we have been through a lot together."

I have to say, I am impressed how honest he is being about this and I can see how tempting it was for Debbie to have a no strings attached relationship with him.

"Okay, this is a side of you I've never seen, a "friend with benefits" kind of guy? And what was the Richie Rich comment about"

"What happens in Africa, is supposed to stay in Africa, but apparently not, you know me too well, Susan. But it helped me move on, I wasn't with Abby anymore, and Debbie is such a different personality. The Richie Rich thing is a joke, I was told some bribe money would help to find Luka, so I cash advanced $20,000 US on my credit card, Gillian and Debbie couldn't believe I was walking around Africa with 20 grand in my pocket. Then when I was working at the clinic with Angelique, I Fedexed in $1200 worth of HIV drugs for a patient, and they found out I was paying for it myself, and was going to continue sending it even after I went home. So I ended up committing $15,000 a year for 5 years to Kem's clinic and she put my patient in her trial, but it worked out well since she could add about 40 more patients with the money I was using to treat one person. So then they called me the rich American doctor, and Debbie calls me Richie Rich.

I can't help but smile, trust Carter to do something like fedex in HIV drugs and think nothing of paying for it.

"You're crazy, you know that? Okay, I am going to pick up some things, there are a couple of diapers in the bag if you want to give Logan a bath. Where is he going to sleep?"

Carter takes a deep breath, and looks a little sad.

"I have all that stuff Susan, I have a whole room of stuff, just no food or diapers."

Oh yeah, I think to myself, they must have had everything ready to bring Joshua home.

Carter can see what I'm thinking, he touches my arm.

"It's okay Susan, don't worry about it."

I give his hand a squeeze, nod and head out the door.


	10. Home

**Carter**

Susan leaves to go to the store, so I take Logan upstairs and check on Debbie, she is showered but has no clean clothes. I tell her just to go into my room and pick something out of my dresser or closet. I take a deep breath and open the door to the baby's room, and flick on the light. I haven't been in here for a long time, and it is not easy to go in, it brings back memories. I step into the room, cuddling Logan and think how nice it will be to have him there, to use this room I spent so much time decorating. I slide open one of the dresser drawers, and pick out some sleepers. I hear a small noise behind me and turn, and see Debbie is there watching me. She has found one of my t shirts and a pair of my sweatpants, which are way too big, but clean and comfortable.

"John, this is really nice." Debbie comes up and gives me a bit of a hug, she knows this room was for my baby with Kem, so she gets that it is hard for me. "Logan is going to love it. Can I hold him?"

I let her take Logan and she rocks him gently.

"You are just a sweetie aren't you, and you have your daddy's eyes. John, he is going to be a heartbreaker when he grows up, he's gorgeous."

I find the bath supplies and take them into the ensuite bathroom, and Debbie helps me give him a bath, and we get him all dressed. Debbie and I go downstairs, and we sit on the couch, I put my arm around her and hold Logan in the other. Debbie she sinks back against my chest, and I can tell she is crying again.

"John, my baby is never going to know their daddy. I miss him so much, I still can't believe he is gone."

"I know Debbie, we are all going to miss him." I let her cry, sometimes that is all you can do, as my dad once said, there are no words. After a while, she says she is ready to go to bed, she is not hungry, but very tired. We go upstairs, and put Logan in the crib, then get Debbie settled in the guest room and I tell her to sleep as long as she likes, but to come find me if she needs anything.

I have a shower, hot water never felt so good, there is not a lot of good clean water in Africa, so this shower feels like a luxury. I get out and put on some clean clothes, then check on Logan who is looking content and happy. I pick him up and take him downstairs, I hear Susan moving around in the kitchen.

She looks over as I come in.

"You look much better now that you're cleaned up. Where is Debbie?"

"Asleep in the guest room, she was really tired, and she had a good cry over Dakarai. I think it is really just hitting her, and it was pretty horrible Susan."

"Tell me what happened"

I sit at the island and watch Susan putting things away.

"It still doesn't feel real, I mean, everything was going along great, and then suddenly the pilot lost control, told us the rotor was hit. Dakarai was in front with the pilot and Debbie and I were just holding on in the back when we hit the ground, and I blacked out. Next thing I know Debbie is shaking me telling me we need to get out. I checked the pilot and Dakarai, they were both dead, and I could smell smoke, there was nothing we could do for them, so we got out and as far away as we could - then the helicopter blew up and knocked us flat. I figured out which direction we needed to go, and we started walking. It took a long time to get to Khartoum, but we made it and got flights out of there as soon as we could. I keep thinking, if I had sat in the front, instead of the back…..I would have died in that crash."

Susan came over and gave me a hug.

"I am sorry you lost a friend, but I am glad you are home. I missed you, you know. I honestly don't know how you had the courage to go there, John. I heard what happened with the Mai Mai on the first trip, that would have been enough for me."

"Yeah, my life did kind of flash before my eyes, nothing like a gun to the head to have you rethinking your decisions, and then the helicopter crash…I still can't believe Debbie and I walked away from that. But I think that was my last trip to Africa, how could I go back and take those risks now that I have Logan. I want to be a real father to my son, not the absentee parents mine were. I wish I had known about him sooner, that she had told me, but at least I know now, when he is still a baby, he can grow up knowing me."

"I know, Wendall wished she had told you right away too, given how hard it was to contact you later on. I am happy we found you, and that you came home safe."

Susan and I eat the take out she had picked up and clean up the kitchen. I take Logan upstairs and I lay down on my bed settling Logan in the middle while I gave him a bottle. Boy I missed the comfort of a real bed, it was kind of nice to be home.

Susan comes into my room, looking around curiously.

"This is really a nice house, John. And that looks like a comfy bed."

I pat the bed beside Logan.

"It is. Plenty of room, join me while I get him off to sleep, we can talk."

Susan lays down on the other side of Logan, making herself comfortable.

"Mmmm this is nice, if I fall asleep, just leave me here."

I laugh softly.

"Sure, no problem. If you want something more comfortable to sleep in, go find something from my dresser or closet."

"Really? I would love to change out of these clothes.  They smell like County, and that is not a good thing."

"Seriously, help yourself, second drawer for sweatpants and third for t-shirts, sweatshirts in the closet.  You can even go have a shower if you want, there are fresh towels in the bathroom."

Susan jumps off the bed, and helps herself some of my clothes, disappearing into the bathroom.  I can hear the shower run for a couple minutes and she reappears wearing some sweatpants and an extremely large sweatshirt.

"So much better, a little big on me, but comfortable." She fluffs up a pillow, and grabs the blanket off the end of my bed.

"So John." I know she is getting serious when she calls me John, otherwise its always Carter "I don't want to pry, but if you are not going back to Africa…."

I can't help but sigh, I know what she is getting at right away.  However this is Susan, so I am going to let her ask.

"What is going on with Kem? Well, we spent some time together, but it was clear after a while that what we had was really gone. We tried, but Kem is still really struggling with losing Joshua, and I am not sure she will ever get past it, it's been over a year now. I still think about him a lot, I will never forget, but I can't live in that limbo, too much like when Bobby died. We still love each other, but we both knew that we will be happier apart. So she is in Kinshasa, or Paris, she is splitting time between the two with her mom being so sick, and I went to Darfur with Debbie and Dakarai. I was going to come back to Chicago in the next few months anyway, I just needed some time before I returned to the real world so to speak. So I am home for good, and now with Logan to take care of, I have even more reason to stay in Chicago."

Susan reaches over and takes my hand.

"I'm sorry it did not work out with Kem, but at least you tried, and I hope you have no regrets. I could tell how much you loved her, it was worth taking the chance. Are you still keeping in touch with her?"

"No regrets Susan, it is what it is. Some days are harder to get through than others, but I feel like I have some closure, I didn't feel like that before, now I can move forward with my life. And yes, we have been keeping in touch, I told her to keep me updated on her mom, I am going to keep my commitment to support her research program for the 5 years, and I will let her know I'm back in Chicago. She is an amazing person in a lot of ways, and we have managed to stay friends, we just can't be together. So back to the search for the woman of my dreams, if she is even out there."

Susan looks over Logan's head at me.

"She is John, I am sure of it. You have way too much to offer to be single for very long."

"Well, I'm not so sure. I come with a truckload of baggage, you know, dysfunctional family, complicated past relationships, past drug addiction, the list goes on. But hey, if you know _who_ she is, let me know."

She looks at me intently.

"You might already know her."

"Yeah, right." I can see Susan still looking at me with a knowing look on her face.  I wonder if she's serious. "Okay, so who is it?"

She shook her head, and wagged a finger at me.

"Maybe you need to figure it out for yourself. And I hope you do it soon, you deserve to be happy, John, you really do."

"Thanks Susan" I say very softly. "Sometimes it hard to believe that though, I have made so many mistakes, and it seems like I don't have much luck with relationships. I have tried to learn from my mistakes, but it isn't easy. Look at my relationship with Abby, it was a train wreck. Kem, well that one was out of my control, I don't think there was anything I else I could have done, losing a child is painful, and everyone handles that differently. And Wendall, well I screwed that up, she was terrific, beautiful, and we were compatible in so many ways, but I was an emotional basket case. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't give her what she needed or deserved and I ended up hurting her, and I will always regret that. I thought I was ready to move on, but I know now I just wasn't."

"That is not totally true, you know. You did give Wendall something, something she wanted in her life, you gave her Logan, a beautiful baby boy that she is crazy about. You know we became friends, and she understood, John, she really did. She and I had some long talks, she was hurt when you broke up – she didn't say exactly what happened – but she realized that you were not in a good place, anybody would have trouble with what you went through. It hurt her more, because she was starting to care about you, I think more than she wanted to admit. When she found out she was pregnant, she was scared, but she was also happy, it was someone she loved who was the father of her child."

I am floored, I would never have guessed that Wendall felt that way, I thought she hated me, and I didn't think she would ever be able to forgive me, though I did at least get the chance to apologize to her.

"It is good to know that she doesn't hate me at least, and that she was happy to have Logan. I hope she is going to be okay, and I will do what I can for her to make sure she is okay. Our son needs her."

Susan nodded sympathetically.

"I know this is hard, John, having all this dropped on you, and you can't talk to Wendall, I hope she is okay too. When she does wake up, she is going to be really happy you are here, and that you are taking care of your son, she did want you to be part of his life. As far as Abby is concerned, she was as much responsible for the end of your relationship as you were, and maybe more so. For what it's worth she loved you as much as she is capable of loving anyone, but for some reason I'll never understand, she didn't tell you. She knows she screwed up and pushed you away one too many times, and that little drama that went on when you walked away the second time…I still think she handled it badly, I don't know if you understand what was going on in her mind."

"Nope, not a clue. All I knew is that she gave me a clear message that it was over, and she didn't want to talk about it. That was one of the biggest issues, I couldn't figure out what was going on in her head, and if I tried to get her to talk to me, she walked away. I couldn't take it anymore, I guess I needed more out of the relationship than she was willing or able to give."

"I understand that feeling, before I met Chuck, I was starting to wonder if I would ever find the right person. All I had up to then were guys that ended up being cheating bastards."

I laugh a little at that assessment, considering we did 'date' for a while.

"Thanks Susan."

She realizes what she said and rolls her eyes. "No, I don't mean you, John. We didn't really date, did we? It always felt more like we were hanging out as friends."

"I was kidding, yes, it was more like hanging out with a good friend, I think we both know I was too hung up on Abby. Might have been a big mistake on my part, but you seem pretty happy, and I think that is great."

"Thanks, I am. Took a long time to find the one person, but it was worth the search."

"So Susan, Abby seems to share with you, what was she thinking? Maybe it doesn't matter so much now, but I still wonder"

"Well, she was angry, she thought you went just to hurt her. So when you came over that night, she knew you had just come from the airport, but she wanted you to know she was angry and hurt, and rather than telling you and giving you a chance to talk to her, she asked for her key back, hung the bag of stuff on your locker, refused to talk to you. She thought that you would be there, that in a couple days you would do something to apologize and make it better and it would all be okay. But then she never counted on you going back to find Luka, and then staying in the Congo. She underestimated the effect her actions would have on you, I don't think she realized how much she damaged your relationship that night, how fragile your connection to her had become. I mean, until you didn't come home with Luka, I didn't know how bad things had gotten between the two of you, I never saw it coming either. But then she got to play victim when the letter got passed around the ER – I can't believe she was so careless with that letter. "

"Yeah, that was a real highlight to know that I got to share my feelings with everyone in the ER. At least by the time I came back, I think almost everyone had forgotten about it, and by then it was pretty obvious we were not getting back together.  I know lots of people thought it was horrible, but in my view she had already broken up with me, phone service is not exactly great in Africa, and I wasn't going to do all that traveling to have her ignore me anyway. I had already tried to talk to her, but she obviously didn't want to talk to me, so what was the point."

"I can see why you felt that way, and I can see why you were frustrated with her. I like Abby, but I didn't like how she was acting that day. I told her she needed to talk to you, just tell you how she was feeling, and work it out, but she thought her way of handling it was going to get the results she wanted."

"Interesting that she talked to you about it, so it was some sort of little game, break up with me, then give it a couple days and try to make it all up? As you now know, we were already having a tough time in the relationship, I was not sure I should even make that last effort, and she proved me right, she totally shut me out. When she asked for her key back, returned my stuff the next day, it was really over, she wouldn't even talk to me, until I said I was going back to get Luka. Then suddenly it was "don't go". By that time I was done, I couldn't take any more of the continuous emotional roller coaster, never knowing where I stood with her, how she could never share her feelings. There were just too many issues, too much baggage. Emotional games, that is the quickest way to make me walk out the door. I have had too much of that crap in my life, especially from my mother, I refuse to accept those games from a girlfriend. If Abby thought I would play along, then she doesn't know me as well as she thinks.

"I don't think she does, maybe she didn't take the time to understand you. I think I am guilty too, I have to admit. Over the past year or so, I think I finally get what you mean when you say that money is not everything. It all looks so perfect from the outside, but you haven't had things easy, have you."

"I feel like I have lived a lifetime, and seen more than I could ever have imagined, things I never want to see again. Experienced and lost so much, I can't even process it sometimes. I remember having a conversation with my cousin Chase, you know before he overdosed. We were laughing about how my grandfather was after one of us – mainly me - to take over the family business and vowing we never would. Yet here I am, 34 years old, and exactly where I thought I would never be – you know my grandmother left me pretty much everything when she died. She mandated in her will that I become president of the Carter Foundation, and it did not go over well with my dad. I had some involvement over the years, but managing it all is much different than I expected, and I am surprised that it is not as hard as I thought it would be. I guess the upside of being president is that I have the majority of the say on where the money is going, which allowed me to get the new clinic started, and provide all the funding."

I can feel Susan staring at me. I look over at her and she is smirking.

"So, I have to ask, what happened when you told Kerry how much you were donating to build the Center. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for that."

I can't help but laugh.

"That was kind of fun actually. I made them change the plans several times, they originally put in a lot of things that were not functional, not necessary.  They were pandering to some corporate bigwigs actually, who know nothing about healthcare. So finally we got to the point that I had pretty much what I had envisioned. I had my back turned getting coffee, Kerry and Amato were looking at the plans, and Amato comes out with the ballpark estimate at $150 million. So I just say 'nice ballpark", but inside I was laughing, and I get my poker face on. I sit down and Kerry starts going on about a leadership gift from the Foundation, how it would be so helpful in getting the ball rolling for funding. Then she was trying to talk me into calling some corporate sponsors, so I just said 'no thanks', and let that sit out there for a minute, and watch Kerry. Kerry starts the sell job, you know, it would help so much if I make the calls, use my name to get support, on and on she goes. So I just tell then that we are not happy with the idea of corporate sponsors and we are interested in covering the entire cost, plus an endowment for treating uninsured patients and I swear she almost had an MI right there. All the crap she put me through after Atlanta, and over the past few years, it is kind of nice to see the tables turn on her, now I'm in charge and she knows it. Then she finds out I've been talking to Todd Becker about running the place, she couldn't even get him to take her call, and here I drop him right in her lap so to speak."

Susan is laughing so hard tears are coming to her eyes.

"I love that, you put her in her place finally. You know there is no love lost between me and Kerry. I don't think she was very happy to see me come back, and she does like power. I do have to say John, I am pretty proud of you, donating so much to health care and making sure they do it right."

"Well, I think it is a good investment in the future. I learned a lot in Africa, seeing how the clinics are run, and it made me think about how even in such a rich country, we have a large population right here in Chicago that can't get proper health care. And the pediatric HIV clinic, that was Kem's idea, and a good one too. She runs a very successful program in Kinshasa and has 100% compliance with the drug protocol, she actually gave me her data, and I am going to see if I can publish a paper now I am back, with Kem's permission of course."

"I thought you weren't good at keeping secrets, but boy, no one in the ER really has any idea who you really are, do they? They have a multi millionaire working with them, and they have no clue. Though Abby does kind of know, doesn't she? She said something about a $10 million cheque at a benefit and she saw the mansion. So does Wendall know – I got the impression she hasn't seen John Truman Carter III come out yet? That she thinks you're just a doctor with expensive taste?"

"We weren't going out that long, so I didn't share in detail. I mean obviously she knows I'm not poor, that I own this house, and when we were dating she never had to pay for anything, but she is not high maintenance. We always did low key stuff, I haven't gone to any benefits for a while, we just dated, like normal people, and it was great, we had fun. She never asked too much about my finances, and I think I have been at County long enough that people don't really think much about it anymore, not like when everyone first found out my family had money, and got all bent out of shape about Roland – who is my uncle by the way. They needed to look up my grandparents, they're the ones who had the money."

"And now you do."

"Hard to believe, now it's all mine. A lot of it is held by the Foundation, and I am happy about that, it limits my personal liability, which is good for my malpractice insurance and that kind of thing. But personally I am now worth quite a bit as well, so say Wendall decided she wanted to come after me for child support, her lawyer would be in heaven. Her settlement would be substantial, and my lawyer would probably kill me for saying that to you. I don't actually think she is like that, I don't think money is a big thing to her, so I am not too worried, and I plan on paying a fair share of expenses anyway."

"In talking to her, it was never Wendall's intention to come after you legally. She really just wanted her son to know his father. She made the choice to have him, and she thinks she should support him, you didn't make the choice."

"Yeah, well he's a Carter, so by default he will never want for anything. And Abby, she knows I have a lot of money, but she doesn't know exactly how much. But I never thought she was with me for my money. If she was, she would have been a lot different in our relationship, actually there would not have been a relationship because my alarm would have gone off."

"Right…the one your grandmother installed. But you know that Abby still has hope that you will get back together with her? I mean, I don't know 100% for sure, but she sure seemed upset when you showed up with Debbie. This new situation is not going to go over well with her."

"I'm not so sure Susan, but if she still has those feelings, then I guess she and I will have to have a conversation so she understands that I don't feel that way. As far as Logan is concerned, she is going to have to deal with it. Not her business, it is between me and Wendall. I consider her a friend, but we have been apart for close to 3 years now, and my personal life is just that, personal." I can feel my eyelids getting heavy. "Time for some sleep, didn't get much on the plane." I take Logan and get him settled for the night, he is sleeping peacefully.

Susan looks over at me. "Can I stay here? I am so tired I don't think I can move. But I will get up with Logan for you tonight, so just get some rest."

"Yeah, its fine, you don't have to move, and anyway, I have only one guest room set up and Debbie is there, so if you want to be comfortable, this is it."

"Have a good sleep, and don't worry about getting up tonight."

I am already drifting off to sleep, it has been a long couple of days.


	11. Friends

**Susan**

I wake up slowly, I hear Logan start to whimper a little in his sleep and I know is going to be up soon and need something to eat. I feel a warm arm around me, and I can hear Carter breathing softly, he is totally out, but sometime during the few hours we have been sleeping, we have gravitated closer to each other. I carefully slide out of Carter's embrace and pick up Logan, taking him downstairs so I don't wake up Carter. I warm up a bottle, and sit on the couch with him, snuggling under one of the warm throw blankets draped over the back. I only took care of him for a few days while waiting for Carter to get home, but I am going to miss having him at my house. He is such a good baby, I miss Cosmo being this small. Soon he is drifting back to sleep and I go back up and tuck him into his bed. I slide back into the bed with Carter and as I drift off, I think how comfortable this bed, the sheets are so soft, I need to get a bed like this.

I wake up again a few hours later, and laugh to myself, Carter has his arms around me again. Chuck never so much as touches me when we sleep, yet Carter is pretty cuddly, I have to admit. I don't think he is even aware, he is still fast asleep, but he has me totally wrapped up and pulled close, really close, and I feel a little guilty about how much I am enjoying it. He smells incredible, I always loved that about him. Any woman in his life is very lucky, once he is dating them, he never has a problem showing them he cares and he is incredibly generous. I can't even imagine what it would be like to wake up every morning wrapped up so warmly in my boyfriend's arms, especially a guy like John Carter. I still don't understand how Abby gave him up so easily, in my books she made a huge mistake but maybe it was for the best anyway, it sounds like the issues they had were pretty big. I hope that Wendall gets better, and she and Carter can work things out, I think they would make each other really happy.

I just enjoy the closeness and drift back to sleep, not waking up until I feel Carter move, and withdraw his arm, moving away from me slightly. I roll over and look at him, giving him a little smile. He gives me a little smile back and then laughs a little, I can tell he doesn't know quite what to say, he has realized what close physical contact we were in when he woke up.

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you, and sorry for getting maybe a little too close last night."

"It's okay, I am not bothered by it, you were comatose, it's nothing to worry about. But I do think it is time to get up. I'm off today, but I will have to head home in a while, I slept great, I was right, this bed is really comfortable."

"So can I offer you some breakfast? I'm thinking about going down to the diner on the corner, they make great eggs and pancakes, and I really need some coffee."

"Yes please, I am starving, and I need my morning coffee too. Can I borrow your shower while you are gone?"

"Sure, I am going to just have a quick one and get dressed, then it's all yours. And help yourself if you want a sweatshirt or anything, so you don't have to wear the same clothes as yesterday."

Carter disappears into the ensuite bathroom, and I hear the shower go on. I relax for a minute, breathing deeply, man this guy smells good, Chuck never smells this good in morning. Carter comes out wrapped in a robe, and starts digging through his dresser.

"All yours, there are fresh towels on the rack in the bathroom."

I crawl out of the bed, and to take a quick peek at Logan, he is still asleep. I get into the shower, enjoying the rain shower effect coming from the ceiling, washing my hair and finally wrapping myself in the oversized super fluffy and soft towel. A girl could get used to this. I take Carter up on his offer and find a warm Northwestern sweatshirt from his closet, and finish getting dressed. I drop the clothes I wore last night into his laundry hamper and borrow a brush for my hair. I pull open a couple drawers, and find a toothbrush that is unopened, and give my teeth a good cleaning, and sneak a little of his deodorant, I don't think he will mind.

I hear the front door open and shut, and smell something good, he must have breakfast. Logan is just starting to wake up, so I pick him up and change him. Wow, this is a lucky kid, the room is perfect, painted and decorated with a jungle theme, and the dresser is packed with really nice clothes. I feel I am being watched, and turn, Carter is leaning on the door frame watching me. I smile at him and hand him his son, Carter takes him with a smile, he is just such a natural with kids.

We go down and have breakfast, Debbie finally appears and has some coffee and a couple of the fluffy pancakes Carter picked up at the diner. She looks sad but much better after a full nights sleep. I decide to head home, she and Carter are going to go out and to a bit of shopping as she has very little for clothes, and I am sure Chuck and Cosmo are waiting for me.


	12. Morning

**Carter**

I sleep pretty heavily, I remember waking up slightly when Susan pulls away and I hear her leave the room. I drift off again, and finally start to wake up as it is getting light. As the sleep lifts, I realize that someone is with me in my bed…Susan…right…and that I have her cuddled really close to me, my arms wrapped around her and she is pulled right up against me. I hope she doesn't take the closeness the wrong way, I feel a little guilty, but it was nice to have company last night. I gently pull back trying not to wake her, but she rolls over and makes light of the situation, and I am grateful, she is married, and a friend.

I shower, then I head over to the diner for some breakfast. Fortunately I have a safe in my room where I keep extra cash and credit cards, so I can pay for everything. When I get back, I go up to check on Logan, and find Susan has already changed him, she hands him over to me, he is so little,

"Thanks for getting him dressed. And thanks for getting up with him last night, I was totally exhausted, I'm not sure I could have gotten out of bed."

"No problem, I know this has all been sudden, and your trip home wasn't easy. Your face looks a little better today, I will come over in a couple days and suture that cut for you, once the antibiotics have a chance to do their job."

"That would be great, I am going to try and go see Wendall today, but I need a few days before I come in to the ER, I have to get used to this baby thing. I don't think I am quite ready for the questions, and I need to spend some time with Debbie too. It is going to be a few days before she is ready to go home to Seattle. Breakfast is downstairs, we should eat before it gets cold."

We go down and start to eat, then Debbie makes an appearance. I give her a hug, she looks a little better today, but it will take time, I have been there. I pay Susan for the stuff she picked up yesterday, she heads home and I take Debbie out shopping for a few clothes. We take the SUV I bought a couple years ago, the kid friendly vehicle I never got to use. I still love my Jeep, but it is not practical for a family, and at one point I thought maybe Kem would use the SUV. I can tell Debbie notes that it is a BMW, the type of car I never thought I would drive, and she gives me a bit of a look, but I ignore it.

Debbie is pretty quiet, but she finally says softly.

"You're not going back to Africa, are you?"

"No, I can't go back. This whole situation I've come home to is unexpected, but I need to be here, taking care of my son is my first priority.  We both know everything with Kem is over and done, so there is really no reason to go back anyways."

Debbie nods and squeezes my hand.

"I figured that, you are not the one to walk away, are you. He is a lucky little boy, to have you as his dad. Is his mom going to be okay?"

"I hope so, she's in a coma, but the scans are okay, so a good chance she will wake up. Once we do some shopping I am going to go over to the hospital and see her."

We go into one of the malls, and I buy her some clothes. She lost everything but her passport when the helicopter went down.

"John, thank you, I'll send you some money to pay you back when I get back to Seattle. Let me know how much the tickets home were too."

"You're welcome, and don't even worry about paying me back. I honestly don't need you to, I can afford the bit I have spent on tickets and clothes for you and I am happy to help. You need to keep your money, to take care of that new baby."

Debbie has tears in her eyes, I can tell she is thinking about Dakarai, and how he will never know his child.

We stop and pick up some groceries so we can make dinner and a few meals at home, along with a few things for Logan. It is weird to shop with a baby in tow, I am going to have to get used to it.  We get quite a few comments from people, admiring how cute or son is, and it makes Debbie tear up again, she gives me a watery smile once we are back in the car.

"That was so strange, thank you for not making a deal out of it."  Debbie is fidgeting as I drive us home.

"What?  The beautiful family comments you mean?"

"Yes, he's not my child, but you didn't even blink or make any mention that he's not my son or that I'm not your wife."

"Why would I?  Worse things than people thinking I am married to a beautiful woman like you, and we don't owe anyone explanations.  I know this is hard right now, for both of us, why make it harder?"

"Still, thank you John.  You've been great." 

We drop everything off at home, but neither of us want to sit around at the house.  

"How about a walk by the lake. It will be good for all of us to get out, we've been cooped up inside buildings all day, and it will help Logan sleep better too."

Debbie agrees and I get Logan ready and we walk for quite a while. She is still very sad, I know it will take her some time to get over the loss of Dakarai. We jump on the El, and make a stop by the hospital so I can check in on Wendall. Debbie comes in with me, for a minute, then she lets me have a few minutes alone.

I know Wendall might be able to hear, so I talk to her for a few minutes, telling her Logan is doing fine. Debbie and I leave and we end up down by the waterfront again, walking slowly and enjoying the fresh breeze off the lake.  Funny how I didn't realize I missed it so much, it is soothing after living in an IDP camp.  Chicago seems peaceful in comparison to Darfur.

"I really do hope she gets better soon."

I smile at her sadly.

"Me too."

"So who was that doctor that took care of you yesterday. She seemed pretty happy to see you, but not too happy that you showed up with me."

"That was Abby – yes THE Abby I told you about, the reason I did not come back to Chicago. Everyone noticed you were with me, you know, everyone thinks I have a 'type' and you fit that, so they probably assumed we were involved. Last time I came home Kem was with me, so I guess they just think if I bring someone...well you know."

"Oh, that explains a lot. So Abby, she is not over you, John. You might be over her, but she was way too jealous of me, you need to talk to her."

"That's what Susan said too. Once I get some things figured out I will take care of it – right now I have a big adjustment taking on the care of a 2 month old. I can afford to take some time, I don't have to rush right back to work, so she won't see me much for a while."

"You don't have to work?"

I shake my head, a bit surprised by the question.

"No, I don't – I choose to work, I don't have to work. I like being a doctor, helping people, I think I'm good at it, it makes a difference. What are you going to do when you get back to Seattle? Stay there for a while?"

"I think so – maybe work in the States for a few months, have this baby and then I can decide. I might be okay in Kinshasa, but I can't go back to Darfur again, not with a baby. I just don't know for sure yet. I didn't think it would be much of a choice, I was planning on living in Africa with Dakarai, but now he is gone." she breaks off and I can see a couple tears track down her cheek.

"I know, you miss him. I do too, he was a good friend" I wrap an arm around her and she rests her head against my chest, we stand and look out over the water for a long time, in comfortable silence. Finally we head for home and have some dinner, and watch a movie, until Debbie says she wants to go up and get some rest, so I let her go, and I clean up the kitchen, and spend some time with Logan.


	13. Secrets

**Abby**

Susan comes in a couple days after Carter appeared with Debbie, she is pretty quiet about why he came back.

"Hey Susan, how is Carter, he looked pretty rough the other day?"  I cannot help myself, I have to ask, to find out what is going on, if he is okay.  Damn it, seeing him with that woman Debbie made me a little crazy.  I also think that I know John well enough that Susan should be able to tell me more than she is, something big is going on with him and I feel a bit worried.

"He is at home, he needs some time to recover from the traveling and he has some personal stuff to deal with as well. I wouldn't expect him back in the ER for a while, give him a couple months of being home." Susan doesn't seem to want to talk about what is going on, not with me anyways.

"Do you have his new phone number and address? I might go by and see if he is okay, if he needs anything."

"You might want to leave him be for now, Debbie is still here and I think he just needs a bit of time since he just got home. He has a lot of stuff to take care of right now." Susan says to me, busying herself with updating the board and reviewing some charts.

It seems like she is really discouraging me from seeing Carter, I am surprised, after all, John and I were really close at one time, now I never hear from him. Luka is paying attention to what is going on as well, I know he and Carter are friends now, and he is concerned about what happened in Africa.

"Abby." Luka shakes his head "It is a long trip back, he must be pretty tired, and he hasn't been home in months. I am sure he will be in at some point, or he will call you if he needs to talk.  He looked a bit rough, he has to recover, a helicopter crash is a kind of a big deal to be involved in, he lost friends.  Let him be."

The meaningful look he is giving me could not be clearer.  He might as well just come right out and tell me it's none of my business what is going on with Carter.  How Luka can be such a supporter of Carter is beyond me, they barely tolerated each other for the longest time, and now they are buddies.

I just roll my eyes at him and pick up another chart.

"Whatever, he is still my friend Luka, I have a right to be concerned."

I almost think that Susan snorts softly at that comment, but her face is expressionless when I look her way, she seems completely absorbed in the charts.  She is sure close to Carter all of the sudden too, even after the falling out about the tenure, she is bound and determined to keep whatever was so 'urgent' a secret.

Jing Mei comes into the ER, I know she is just back from China, she had to bury her dad, and she is deciding if she wants to come back to work.

"Susan, I heard John is in Chicago, when did he get back? Is he okay?" Jing Mei sounds really concerned about Carter, but then she has been his friend for a long time.

Susan nods, and invites Jing Mei for a coffee. They head out the door, and I wonder what is really going on with Carter.  And why Susan feels Jing-Mei has more of a right to know what is going on than I do.  I with them walk through the sliding glass doors without a backward glance, and I am a bit sad, so much for girls club.

**Susan**

I can see Abby is concerned about Carter, but I get the feeling from our conversation the other night that he isn't ready to see her. However, when Jing Mei shows up and is asking about him, I think he might want to see her, so I invite her for coffee so we can talk privately.

I do feel Abby's stare though, and earlier when she was making snide comments at Luka, I could not help but let out an involuntary disbelieving sound.  I think she heard me, but I studiously ignored her as she stared at me.  That she seems to think she has such a 'right' to be worried about John is astounding.  She broke the guys heart, was a total bitch to him when he came back from Africa the first time, after abandoning him when his grandmother died.  Now I know there is two sides, and generally I like Abby, but she had her chance, and Carter is not coming back to her.  He doesn't want to see her right now, and I am going to honour that.

"So what is going on with John? I hear he came back in pretty rough shape, is he going to be okay?" Jing Mei is worried, I know they became close over the years, Carter actually acted as her labour coach when she had her son Michael.

"He's fine Jing Mei, I made sure he got some medical attention, his helicopter crashed in Darfur, but he got away pretty lucky, some cracked ribs and some good bruises. I was going to go by and do some sutures for him tonight, we had to do a delayed closure and give him some antibiotics for a gash on his forehead. I stayed at his house the first night he was back to make sure he was okay. You should call him, I think he would like to hear from you, and he can fill you in what is happening in his life. Just don't tell Abby, Carter hasn't talked to her yet, and I think he needs some time before he sees her. Do you have his home number and address?"

Deb shakes her head.

"No, I never got to see his new house, and his old cell phone number is disconnected, so if you have his contact information, that would be great. I won't share it with anyone, I will just give him a call and see if he needs to talk."

I nod and pass a piece of paper over.

"Perfect, give him a call. He has a friend with him right now, she was in Darfur with him, her husband was killed in the crash so she is pretty shaken up. I am sure he would love to see you though."

"Maybe I will go do the sutures for him, so he doesn't have to go in to the ER. That place is such a gossip fest, I bet he doesn't miss it, I know most days I don't – but I really miss John. Can I grab a kit from the hospital, and I will drop by to see him."

"Sure, I will give you what he needs, he was expecting me to come by after 6pm so anytime after that would be great."

Jing Mei and I go back to the hospital, and I get her some supplies to the sutures, and she leaves. I know Carter will be happy to see her.


	14. An Visit From an Old Friend

**Carter**

I hear a knock on the door, and I think Susan has come by to do the sutures for me, I open the door to a nice surprise.

"Deb!" I grab her and give her a big hug, I have missed her more than I imagined.

"Hey there stranger, long time no see. You look like hell, John, what have you been doing to yourself?"

"You know, flying in war zones, getting into helicopter crashes, not recommended. Get in here, I am so happy to see you! Is Susan coming as well, or did she just send you?"

"Just me tonight." Deb comes and takes off her shoes and coat. She stops short when she sees Logan. "So who is this little guy?" She gets down and she is tickling under his chin and he kicks and gazes at her with his big brown eyes. "Hmmmm, he looks a little like you John, look at those eyes. So something you haven't been telling me?"

"Well, something I didn't know about either, until I get this urgent message to get come back to Chicago. I get back and find out that Wendall had a baby while I was in Africa, she was in a pretty serious MVA and she is still unconscious in the hospital. So here I am, surprise, I'm a dad."

Deb looks over at me.

"Well, you will be a great dad, I always thought so.  He is beautiful, looks pretty happy with his daddy. Do they think Wendall is going to be okay?"

"They are hoping so, but they have to wait to see when she wakes up, the scans are all good, but you know how it goes. I plan to drop by as much as I can to see her, I really hope she wakes up soon, I hate to see Logan lose his mother."

"He is lucky to have you, though. He will be well taken care of, with you as his dad." Deb lifts him out of his seat and holds him close. "I love the baby smell, he is precious, John."

I see a tear run down her cheek and I know she is thinking of Michael. I step over and wrap my arms around them both, Deb rests her head on my chest and she sobs a little.

"Oh Deb, I'm sorry, I know this must be hard, I know you still miss Michael"

Deb looks up at me and gives a shaky smile.

"Sorry." She whispers to me. "I'm sorry for crying all over you, I will always miss Michael. But I am happy for you, I know you have wanted to have kids too. What's his name?"

"Logan Christopher Carter, and he just over 2 months old. Hey, how about some coffee, and we catch up, it has been too long. How have things been with you Deb?"

"Well, rough in some ways, I got my dad buried beside my mom in China, visited some relatives and did some traveling around the country. I feel a little, I don't know how to explain it, maybe a little lost? My parents were my closest family, now they are gone, I have no one else in Chicago." Deb looks at me "I know you understand, you and your parents aren't close, and without your grandmother you must feel the same. I am sure that is why it was so easy to go to Africa."

"I understand perfectly, Deb. I think we are a lot alike in many ways, which is why we are such good friends."

"I think you're right.  So I am doing a house call tonight, Susan said you needed some sutures and I offered to come by and do it.  I wanted to catch up and see how you were, looks like you need a little buffing up."

"Yeah, I'm sure I look beautiful with the big bruise, the nice gash on my head, and the scruffy hair."

Deb sits me down and sutures up my forehead, and puts a fresh bandage on for me. While she is working on suturing, Debbie comes downstairs, she had been upstairs resting.

"Jing Mei, this is Debbie, she works for the International Red Cross, we were in Kinshasa and Darfur together. She is staying a few days before she goes home to Seattle. Debbie, Jing Mei is a doctor at County, she is a good friend of mine."

"Nice to meet you Debbie, Susan mentioned John had a friend visiting. Sounds like you both had a tough time getting home."

"Nice to meet you too Jing Mei, we did have some trouble, but John was great. I don't know what I would have done without him, probably still be sitting in Khartoum.  Might even still be sitting out in the desert for that matter."

We sit and talk for a bit, it is good for Debbie to visit and she seems a little less distressed tonight. The two get along pretty well, and I was glad Deb had stopped by to see me. She is great with my son, helps me get him bathed, fed and settled in bed before she goes home.

"She seems great, you know each other pretty well." Debbie comments after Deb has headed home.

"I have known her since we were med students, so about 12 years now. We have been through a lot together, I missed her a lot while I was in Africa."

Debbie and I both head off to our rooms shortly after, we are both still tired from the past few days.

The next few days went quickly and I put Debbie on a plane to Seattle, her parents were looking forward to having her home for a while.

"Don't be a stranger, Debbie, let me know how you are doing, and if its okay I will come out and see you in Seattle soon."

I keep busy over the next few weeks, I visit Wendall daily, I take Logan with me and usually give him a bottle and talk to her. It doesn't hurt. I have been getting together with Deb or Susan quite often, and have made a couple trips out of town.

I went to New York one weekend to introduce my dad to his grandson, he was a little surprised, but he seemed to enjoy the company. I also took Logan to see Wendall's parents in Arizona, they are not well enough to travel, but were thrilled I brought him out to visit them. I made a quick trip to Seattle to check up on Debbie, she was doing well with her family.

I have been writing a couple articles for publishing while Logan naps, Kem gave me permission to write about her clinic and supplied all the necessary statistics, we hope it will help bring attention to the issues in Africa. I also have been meeting the architect, and Kerry to keep updated on the work being done on the new clinic. Having a new baby to entertain takes up a lot of time, and with the other stuff too, the weeks fly by and before I know it I have been home two months, and we have a routine well set. I still haven't been back into the ER, but I really needed the time to adjust to my new life, without having to get into all the explanations.


	15. Rumour Has It

**Chuney**

I am filling in at the ICU for a few days, they are really short nurses, and the extra money is always nice. I hear a couple of the ICU nurses talking one day, they are taking care of Wendall, who was the Social Worker in the ER a while back, before she transferred over the Northwestern.

"She is looking a little better today, I really think I saw her eyelids flicker." Lacey says. Both her and the other nurse are pretty new at County, I don't know them that well.

"I hope she wakes up soon, her little boy, Logan, is so adorable, and that doctor guy who visits her all the time, I think it would make him pretty happy. Where has he been anyway, haven't seen him for a few days."

"Dr. Lewis was up today and said he went to New York for a couple days to visit family, took Logan with him to see his grandfather. The doctor, she always calls him John, isn't Logan his son? I think he worked in the ER for a long time. Hey Chuney, what is the name of that really good looking doctor, worked in the ER, went to Africa? Wears the really nice suits, you know Armani, Hugo Boss?"

I perk up and look over, I am not one to pass up on good gossip, especially if it involves one of our ER doctors.  Those guys always seem to be up to something.

"Which one?"

"You know, he has brown hair, gorgeous brown eyes. He worked in the ER, but moved to Africa for a while, came back recently? Susan Lewis calls him John, what's his last name?"

I look over at them.

"You mean Dr. Carter?"

"Yeah, Dr. Carter. Wendall is one lucky lady, he visits her almost every day. And their little boy is just the cutest, Dr. Carter always brings him with him when he comes in."

I look back and forth between the two nurses.

"Dr. Carter visits Wendall? Every day? With Wendall's son?"

"Well mostly, when he's out of town, Dr. Lewis comes for a visit. Dr. Carter seems like a really nice guy, and he is so good with the baby, Logan, he's about 4 months old now, has his daddy's eyes. Really adorable, well they are both pretty cute, I have to admit."

I cannot believe what I am hearing, Carter has been back for two months, and managed to keep this under wraps, and Lewis knows about it too.

I am back in the ER the next day and Dr. Lewis is working, so I think I might see if I can find out if it's true.  I go on a fishing expedition.

"So, Dr. Lewis, how is Dr. Carter doing? Is he still in Chicago, and any plans to come back to work?" I ask her nonchalantly.

"Oh he's pretty good, not sure when he plans to come back, I think he is kind of busy at the moment."

"I just bet." I smirk and I see Lewis look up at me quickly.

"Exactly what does that mean?"

"Well, I was filling in on ICU, and heard some pretty interesting stuff up there….so is it true?"

"Is what true?"

"You know, that he and Wendall had a kid, and Dr. Carter is taking care of him now? That's why he came back from Africa?"

I can see from her face that it is totally true. I happen to look over towards the board, and I see Abby standing there, and I know she overheard what I said, and she looks really unhappy.   Dr. Lewis has been stonewalling her for the last couple months, she has refused to give Abby Dr. Carter's phone number and address.

Now she finds out what Dr. Lewis has not been telling her. Abby slams down her chart and walks off. Hard to believe that a couple years ago, she and Dr. Carter were inseparable, and now he has a son already about 4 months old. He has certainly moved on, where I don't think Abby has been able to, sure she has had a couple short term things, but nothing that seemed to serious. I can see that she is not the only one who has overheard, I am sure by the end of the day everyone will know.


	16. A Night Out

**Carter**

I get off the plane from New York, I am carrying Logan in his car seat, and have a travel bag over my shoulder. I look for my driver, he obtains my luggage and we are off. I check my messages, and I have two – one from Susan – it seems like Chuney was in ICU and now the whole ER knows, I am shocked it took this long for the word to get out. I have been pretty busy, so I haven't thought about it much, but I guess I should visit the ER and let everyone see Logan.

I go home first, and feed Logan, get him changed. He slept quite a bit on the plane, so I think maybe it will be okay to take him into the ER, and go up to see Wendall. There is still no change, I sit with her for bit, then I decide to go down to see who working tonight in the ER. I see Chuney first, she comes up to me right away.

"Dr. Carter, long time no see. Oh, what a cutie, what's his name?"

"Hi Chuney, doing well? This is Logan."

I get quite a bit of attention from the nurses, they all want to hold him. No one seems to surprised, so I know the ER rumour mill is alive and well. Something I do not miss, but the nurses love their gossip, and the inevitable betting pools that arise from it.

Deb comes out from one of the exam rooms and gives me one of her sweet smiles, and brushing Logan's hair with one hand.

"John, didn't know you were coming in. Hi there Logan, he seems to change everytime I see him. Looks pretty happy today."

Susan is off work today, but Luka comes by and says hi, along with Pratt.

"Hey Dr. Carter. Looks like you are doing well, keeping busy I bet. We are all going for drinks tonight, you should come by."

"Maybe I will, where is everyone heading, and what time?"

I get the address of the pub, and decide if I can arrange a babysitter, it would be good to get out. I call Emily, who worked for my grandmother, she has been working for me, coming in every few days to do the housekeeping, groceries, laundry, and she loves to help take care of Logan. She is happy to come in for a few hours tonight, and give me a break.

I meet everyone at the pub, and we are all having a good time, Luka and I chat about Darfur, he thinks he might go over and is trying to talk Pratt into going with him. I have to agree, I think it would be a good wake up call for Greg, to see what it is like over there. I encourage him to think about it. Susan shows up, as does Deb and Abby.

I know I need to talk to Abby soon, but she is avoiding me tonight, so I try and let it slide for now. I have been drinking soft drinks all night, I try not to drink much, and I have to go home at a reasonable hour and be able to get up with Logan later. I see however that Abby is hitting the drinks pretty hard.

I am a bit worried about her, she was doing so well, but tonight she looks really drunk, she has fallen off the wagon again. I see her stumble out into the alley, so I say goodnight, clear my tab and grab my jacket. I want to check on her before I leave, I don't think anyone else has noticed how out of control she is tonight.

I go out and some guy is trying to get her to go home with him. I go up and tell him he should leave. He doesn't like it, but I don't back down, so he gives up.

"Abby, are you okay?"

"I'm totally fine John, don't worry about me." She is heavily slurring her words.

"You don't look fine, Abby, you are wasted. I'll give you a ride home, make sure you get there okay."

She glares at me, if looks could kill, I would be dead for sure.  Reminds me of the night I came back from Africa, the same stone cold drop dead look.

"Oh, just go away, like you even care about me. I had a nice guy who was going to make sure I got home, and you ruined it."

"Yeah, I'm sure he was really concerned about you getting home safely.  He was looking to get laid, that's all."  I can't keep the sarcasm from my voice, I am not going to be nice about this.

I see Pratt out of the corner of my eye, he is getting something out of his car and stops to watch me and Abby.

I can see Abby is getting pretty mad now, her voice is starting to rise, she sounds furious.

"Like you care all that much. I am having fun, fun without you, quit trying to fix me Carter."

I am trying to keep it cool, Pratt is still watching us and Abby is creating a scene.  What a surprise, Abby creating a scene.

"Come on Abby, I do care. You can barely stand, let me get you home so you can sleep this off. I don't want you to pass out in the alley."

"Right." She snarls. "Abby the poor little alcoholic, I can take care of myself." She starts to stumble down the alley, barely remaining upright.

 "No, I think I am going to take you home." I grab her hand and pull her back towards me.

Abby starts to lose it, she is even drunker than I thought. She is all out yelling at me now.

"Leave me alone, go home, I don't need your help. I don't need you Carter."

"No, I'm not leaving you here like this." I still have her hand and I am working my way towards my car. Pratt comes over.

"Is everything okay Dr. Carter?"

"Yeah, Abby has had a bit too much, I am going to make sure she gets home okay."

He starts to head toward the door to go back in the pub.  He knows our history, and he knows I won't hurt Abby, so he is unconcerned.

"Okay, goodnight."  He gives me a little smirk, then a wave.

Abby is still resisting, but having trouble walking, so I simply pick her up and throw her over my shoulder. I have done this before, but I haven't seen her this drunk since I came home from Belize and she was passed out.

She starts kicking and screaming at me, and Pratt turns around. Then she bites me and I almost drop her.

"What the hell Abby, settle down, you are way out of control. Why do you always bite when you're drunk."  I am yelling now too, damn that hurts.

"I don't want help, I'm fine, my car is just over there." She is still yelling at me and trying to get out her keys, fumbling with her purse.

Pratt starts to come over, as our argument is getting more heated, but I hold up a hand towards him.

"Just go inside, I've got this.  I've dealt with her in worse circumstances, we're fine."  I turned back to Abby.  "No way are you driving in this condition, you pick up your car tomorrow."

He looks doubtful but heads in, I grab Abby's keys which she has finally gotten out of her bag and get her to my car. I open the door, and make her get in, and then I go around to the drivers side. Abby has her head down and she is crying, I fasten her seatbelt and start to drive.

She is almost ready to pass out, I don't think I can leave her at home by herself tonight so I decide to take her to my place and she can sleep in the guest room. That way I can check on her. Her head is tipped back now and she looks over at me blearily.

"Where we going, John? Oh, I'm going to be sick."

I pull over and get her out just in time, I hold her hair off her face as she heaves, and get her a couple tissues to wipe her face. I get her back in the car and head towards my house.  Not the most fun I've had, but then again, I've seen worse.

**Susan**

John says goodnight and leaves. Pratt heads out to get something out of his car, then comes back.

"Wow. Lockhart is wasted, she can barely stand. She is out there yelling at Dr. Carter, I think she bit him."  He is chortling, like its the funniest thing in the world.  Of course in his defence, he has no idea that Abby is an alcoholic.

Luka and I both whip our heads around and make to get up.

"Don't worry about it. Dr. Carter said he would make sure she got home.  That's okay right?  I mean we know Carter, he won't hurt her."

I shake my head.

"Of course he won't hurt her Pratt, that is not why we are concerned.  He just should not have to deal with her."

Luka and I both get up and quickly head out to alley, but both Carter and Abby are gone. Luka looks around and sees Abby's car, but Carter's is gone.

"She is okay Luka, we both know John won't let anything happen to Abby." But I still pull out my phone and dial Carter's cell phone and get the voice mail. I wait a minute, then try again, this time he picks up.

"Carter, is Abby with you? Pratt said she was really drunk, is she okay?"

"She is, I'm taking her home, my house, not hers. I don't think she should be alone tonight, she is really, really drunk. Abby, stop it! I'm driving…okay…Susan, Abby didn't pay her bill, can you or Luka take care of it and Abby will pay you back….yeah right Abby, I'm not paying your bar bill, you can pay them back." I can hear Abby mumbling in the background.

"We will take care of it, do you want me to come over?"

"No, I can handle it Susan, you need to go home, you have been spending enough time at my place already helping with Logan, and I am sure Chuck and Cosmo miss you."

I let Carter go, and shrug at Luka. "Sounds like she is a bit out of control, but Carter is okay. Let's go back in, we will have to pay Abby's bill, she walked out without paying it."

We go in and ask for the bill, and I can't believe how much Abby drank, and that we didn't notice.

"Good thing Carter went out when he did, I'm surprised she could still walk."

Pratt laughs a bit at this comment.

"Well, she could barely stand. He had to carry her to his car, she is going to be in rough shape tomorrow. She was trying to get out her keys to drive home too."

"I don't think she'll be working tomorrow, she has an early shift and it's almost 1am now."

It is irresponsible of Abby to get so drunk knowing she has a shift in the morning, but I am not going to let her work that hung over.  Based on how much she had to drink, she may very well still be drunk by the time her shift starts at 6am.  I know I am going to have to call in and get them to call someone to cover her shift.

I sigh deeply, I know she is melting down over Carter, but he will deal with it, he knows how to deal with Abby the drunk, probably better than the rest of us.


	17. Drunk...Again

**Carter**

We get home, and Abby has passed out in my car. I check her pulse and take a look at her eyes, I am a little worried about alcohol poisoning, but she seems okay.  Good thing she got sick before she passed out, or I might be tempted to drop her off at the ER to have her stomach pumped. 

I carry her in and put her on the couch. Emily comes down and looks at Abby, and shakes her head.

"She had a little too much to drink, so I'm putting her in the guest room. I'm good, you can head home now.

"If you're sure Dr. Carter. Logan is asleep, he was a perfect angel."

The thing I love about the staff we always had at my grandmothers house, they are always extremely discreet. I know I will never hear another word about this, and no one else will either.

"Thanks Emily, I appreciate it. I'll see you tomorrow afternoon?"

Emily heads out and I get my coat and shoes off, then take Abby up to the guest room, she is dead weight. I take off her coat and shoes, and then do another quick check to make sure she is really okay, taking her pulse and looking at her eyes. My cell phone rings again, and its Susan.

"Hey did you get home?"

"Yes, we're okay. I don't know how much she had, but she is totally passed out, I have never seen her this drunk. I'll keep an eye on her, she is sleeping it off in my guest room."

"Carter, make sure you watch her carefully, I cannot believe how much she drank, we took a look at her bill, and I'm surprised she didn't just pass out at the bar."

"I could tell she was bad, she wanted to drive home, glad I caught her. I think she almost needs one of those Doug Ross Specials. If she is supposed to work tomorrow, I don't think she is going to make it. I will try to find out tomorrow what is going on, to make her drink like that." I am a bit worried about her, she was doing great, doing her residency, and now this?

"I'm on first thing, and I think she is supposed to work at 6 am, so I'll call in now so they can get her shift covered. It's after 1 am now, so no way if she's that drunk"

"She _is_ that drunk.  We had to make a stop on the side of the road and she was very ill, but probably a good thing or she would be in the ER about now getting her stomach pumped.  Any way you could get me a banana bag and IV stuff, just drop it off? I can't leave, the babysitter is gone and I couldn't expect her to take care of Abby anyway. I think she is going to need it, I don't see how else I am going to keep her hydrated – and add some extras in like Mark used to do for Doug."

"I know the formula, Mark used to make it a lot when I was a resident.  I'll send it over, maybe Pratt can bring it."

"Sure, that's fine. Thanks Susan."

I hang up, and check on Abby again, she is stirring, and she rolls off the bed onto her knees on the floor.

"Oh, I'm going to be sick."

I get her to the bathroom just in time, and hold her hair again as she heaves repeatedly into the toilet. She is now leaning against the wall, with her eyes closed and I get a warm cloth and wipe her face. She has managed to splatter her shirt, and get stuff in her hair. I slide over.

"I'm going to get your shirt off you, you threw up all over it." I help her pull her shirt off, and clean her up as best I can, then I go and get her one of my sweatshirts and pull it over her head. I scoop her up and put her back in bed with the garbage can close by. "If you're sick again, try to use the bucket."

I rinse out her shirt, and then go down to get a glass of water, and my doorbell rings. I go over and find Pratt, with the requested stuff. I motion for him to come in and he steps in, looking around with interest.

"Nice place."

"Thanks, I like it. Come in if you like, I am going to go start this IV." I head up the stairs, Pratt follows me up, but I don't care.

I go into the guest room, and slide up the sleeve of the sweatshirt she is wearing and get the IV started. Pratt is watching me as I smoothly insert the IV and tape it down, hanging the bag on the head board.

"She is in rough shape, she gave you a hard time at the pub.  Did she break the skin when she bit you?"

"Not like she hasn't yelled at me before, I can handle it. I know her pretty well. I'm going to change my shirt, I'll just be a minute." I head into my room, and grab a sweatshirt for myself, my shirt has some blood on it from where she bit me, so I clean it out with disinfectant and put my shirt in some water to soak. I come out of my bathroom and back out in the hall, Pratt is just hanging out. "Want a drink? I'm not going to sleep for a while."

I head downstairs and into the kitchen, and pull open the fridge.

"Soda or beer?"

"A beer is great" I hand Pratt a beer, and take one myself, I think I need one tonight. I sit at the island.

"So, how often does Abby do this? You didn't seem too surprised." Pratt takes a swig of his beer

"I don't know, hopefully not too often. I've never seen her this drunk, but then I haven't spent a lot of time with her in the past couple years, since I've been away a lot in Africa."

"But you have some history with her, you two were together when I came to County, I remember."

I look over at him with a small shrug.

"Sure, we were together for just under a year. But she never drank like this when we were going out, it was extreme tonight, and I couldn't leave her in that shape. I know her well enough I think she felt comfortable coming with me, once I got her in the car she stopped fighting."

"She is going to be in a world of hurt tomorrow, good thinking on the banana bag, Dr. Lewis added some stuff too."

"Yeah, she did a Ross special." I can see him looking at me curiously. "Long story for another night."

"This is a really nice place, how long have you lived here? The rent must be killer."

"I've owned it about 2 years, did a bunch of renovations when I bought it, this is my favourite street in Chicago. Not much for rental in this area, most everyone owns their homes here."

Pratt lifts his eyebrows, I forget that the talk about my family money is non existent these days, and it still surprises me how many people in the ER have no idea how much I have.

"How can you afford the mortgage on this place, did you get a good rate? I would like to buy, but this seems a little out of my range. Where are you working right now, are you coming back to county?"

I look at him for a minute and then smile slightly, whatever, this is Pratt.  He doesn't seem all that impressed by money, I think I can trust him with the truth.

"I'm sure this place would be a bit out of your range, you might want to start smaller, if you're serious, I have a great realtor. I'm taking some time off so I can take care of Logan, right now I'm not working, aside from writing some articles for publishing. No different than being in Africa or Darfur, I wasn't being paid then either. And I don't have a mortgage, I bought it with cash." I'm a little surprised that Pratt doesn't have a clue, everyone else seems to know I have money.

"How did you manage that on a salary from County?"

"I have some family money, so I didn't do it based on my salary.  No way in hell could you buy this place on an ER doctor's pay scale, especially not for cash."

"Oh, I guess that makes sense.  Family money huh.  I thought Jing-Mei was the only one loaded enough to just buy houses."

Nope, Deb and I grew up in very similar circumstances."  I'm ready to change to subject. "So what do you think about the idea of going to Darfur? They lost 3 of us at once, me, Debbie from the Red Cross, and Dr. Dakarai. They are pretty short staffed."

"I don't know, what's it like over there?"

"It is a life altering, eye opening experience, I can guarantee you that. You meet doctors from all over the world, and when you come back you will have a new appreciation for County. In total I spent just over a year over there, and I felt like I really make a difference. Of course you will probably only be there for two weeks, the first time you go, but it is well worth it."

"Are you going back?"

"No, right now I need to be here, taking care of my son. Maybe one day I will go again, but I'm all he has and I won't leave him. My parents weren't around much for me as a kid, and I know you had a similar experience, so I'm sure you understand."

"I never knew your parents weren't around, and I get why you won't leave your son. I respect you for it. Coming home when he needed you, taking care of him by yourself, that's a big job."

"It is, but I fortunately have the resources, and the help I need. Susan and Deb have been great, and I can get childcare when I need it, but even if I didn't have all that, I would still take it on."

"So, why do you always call Jing Mei 'Deb' and you get away with it? I tried to call her that once and she almost killed me."

"Deb – Jing Mei – and I were med students together the first year I was at County. She went by Deb back then, so that's what I call her. We had the same resident overseeing us, he was a slave driver, but a really great teacher for the most part. We were very competitive with each other, but became good friends in the process. So she accepts 'Deb' from me, but I think I'm the only one she allows to call her that. Hey, I'll be right back, I am going to check on Abby and Logan." I headed back upstairs, Abby was still out, Logan was just starting to wake up, so I picked him up and changed him, then took him downstairs to heat a bottle.

Pratt wasn't in the kitchen, once the bottle was ready I went to see where he got to, and I find him looking at the picture and plans I have for the Carter Centre in my office.

"Sorry, I just saw the picture and wanted to look. Is this the new health center they are building beside County? It looks amazing, but how did you get plans for it?"

I have Logan in the crook of my arm and I am feeding him as we talk.

"I'm involved in the project, helping with funding, hiring the director, reviewing the plans. Actually, it was my idea originally to build it."

Pratt looks over at me, impressed.

"No kidding, how did you get them to actually do it – isn't this a pretty big project?"

"I offered the funding to build it, I run a private foundation left to me by my grandmother, so I'm putting the money to good use."

"You're funding a health center?" Pratt starts to ask some pretty intelligent questions, and I flip through the plans and tell him some of the details. "Great idea, I saw the construction, but had no idea you had so much involvement in it."

"Well, not everybody knows, Susan and Kerry both do, and Abby, but I keep it low key at work. I like being a doctor, and health care seemed the right thing to invest in."

We chat for a bit longer, until Pratt looks at his watch and realizes it's 3am, so he heads home.

I go up and put Logan back to bed, and then check on Abby. Her IV is done, so I remove it and place a bottle of Advil and some water on the bedside table and head to bed.


	18. Closure

**Abby**

I wake up and know I am going to be sick again, I manage to find the bathroom just in time. I wash my face and rinse out my mouth, and then look around, I'm not sure where I am. Pretty nice place I think to myself. Then I remember fighting with Carter and him making me get into his car, and it all makes sense, this must be his new house.

I see some water and Advil beside the bed, and I gratefully down a couple, my head is pounding. I walk down the hall and look in and see the baby room, then I find the master bedroom, and Carter, who is fast asleep. He looks so peaceful, and I vaguely remember yelling at him in the alley, but he didn't give up on me.

The bed is huge, king size, and I crawl in beside him. He barely moves, I am sure he is tired. I slide over as close as I dare, trying not to wake him up. I have missed him so much. I close my eyes and let myself drift off. A couple hours later I wake up again, and I feel a warm arm across me – Carter did that when we were together, there was always some contact between us when we were sleeping. It is comforting and I go back to sleep.

Next time I wake up, I hear crying, and I roll over to find I am alone. The crying stops and I realize Carter has gotten up to take care of his son. I am having a hard time thinking of him as a dad, and that he is taking care of a baby by himself. Not that he isn't capable, I guess I just don't like that he has this with someone besides me, though truthfully I don't know if I could ever have given him a baby, I fear the bipolar disease too much. And battling the alcoholism, I worry about that too. I hear his soft footsteps in the hall, then silence, and I think he must have gone downstairs. I hear a slight noise again, then it is quiet again. I still feel a little ill though my head feels a little better after taking the Advil. I try to go back to sleep, but now I am lonely by myself in the big bed. I get up and use his bathroom, splash some water on my face.

I step out in the hall, and look into the baby's room, and he is there, sitting in a chair by the window with Logan, who is having a bottle. He looks up at me, his deep brown eyes thoughtful.

"Hey Abby." He says softly. "You look a lot better, you got some sleep."

I move towards him, sitting down in the second chair.

"I did, but I feel like crap. I really drank a lot last night didn't I? I guess I passed out, I'm sorry for being so much trouble…but you took care of me."

"You did pass out, it wasn't good. You were pretty combative too, you didn't want to go home, but you could barely stand, so I made you come home with me. I wanted to make sure you were safe, you almost went home with some guy who was trying to pick you up in the alley. I got Susan to send over a banana bag for you with a few extras added, or I am sure you would be much worse, got you re-hydrated."

I realize I have some gauze and tape in the crook of my arm from the IV.

"I am so embarrassed. I'm sorry, I think I was yelling at you, and did I bite you again?"  I really do feel a bit mortified, he stopped me from going home with some guy from the bar?  I think he held my hair for me while I threw up and he obviously changed my shirt, as I am in one of his soft and warm sweatshirts.  It hangs off me, but it is not the first time I have worn one of his shirts, and it is comforting to be wearing one again.

"Yeah, teach me to try and help you when you're drunk, that and you nearly got sick in my car. By the way, Susan is making sure you have the day off, you are in no shape to go to work and it is past 6 anyway. I have some coffee on in the kitchen, you can help yourself, and I will be down in a minute, this little guy is almost done."

"Can I shower first, and would you mind if I borrowed some clothes?"

"Go ahead, just take what you need. There should be an unopened toothbrush in the drawer in my bathroom, if you want to brush your teeth. Use the guest bathroom, I want to have a quick shower as well."

I head into his room and get the toothbrush, and I pick out some sweatpants and a t shirt. I go back to the guest room and climb into the shower. I wash my hair thoroughly, standing under the hot water letting it cascade over me. I still feel bad, but better than I did a while ago. I finally get out and dressed and wander down the hall peeking into his room as the door is open. I can smell the shampoo and see a little steam, but it looks like he has gone downstairs already.

I go down and find the kitchen, which is really nice, with a huge granite island.

"I like this house, John, when did you move here."

He looks over from where he is making pancakes.

"A couple years ago. I love this area, and the house is a good size. My grandmother's house was just too big, and I didn't want to live there." He pours me some coffee and puts it in front of me, along with a large glass of water. Logan is in a bouncy seat and gurgling happily, he is a very cute little boy. I reach over and stroke his soft cheek, he smiles at me and grabs my finger. "Do you want a couple pancakes? Might make you feel better."

"Thanks, I can try to eat. He is so adorable, how old is he now."

"Just over 4 months, the last couple months have gone by so quickly. It was tough at first, but we are kind of in a routine now. He is still up at least a couple times a night, but hopefully soon he will be sleeping through the night."

Carter fills up his coffee, and brings the pancakes over to the island, along with some butter and syrup. He pulls some plates and cutlery out, and I help myself to a couple pancakes, which look surprisingly good.

"Hidden talents, you can actually cook? I guess we didn't eat in very much did we?"

"I guess we didn't, I just find it is easier to eat at home right now. Taking a baby out for breakfast every day with all the stuff you have to take is kind of difficult. I'm also working at home quite a bit, I have a lot on the go with the Carter Center, and writing a couple of articles, keeping up my publishing requirements." We eat in silence for a few minutes, then he looks at me again "So, Abby, what's going on with you?"

"Not much, you know, work keeps me busy, other than that, nothing really."

"How are Maggie and Eric doing?"

"They are both good, taking their medications, they both have jobs, for now at least, and they have been out to visit a couple times."

I can feel his eyes on me, and I glance over. I miss those eyes, I think, I could just lose myself in them. He looks thoughtful and he is not buying my calmness, he knows there is something going on, but he is not too sure I will tell him.  That was a big issue for us, I could never really come clean with him. 

"What was last night about. You were doing so well before I left for Africa, you seemed happy. Now, not so much. So what is really going on – and don't say nothing, because we both know that's not true."

I stare at my plate, and I just can't tell him. I just don't have the courage to tell him that I miss him, how sorry I am about all that has happened between us.

He sighs deeply, sounding frustrated.  Some things never change I guess.

"Come on Abby, there is something bothering you. I hate to see you doing this to yourself. You have known me for how many years now? Believe me, I know how it can be, you saw me almost fall apart a year or so ago, and I appreciated you offered to help. It's my turn, I hope we are still friends, and you can talk to me."

"I am not sure you are going to want to hear what I have to say."

Carter moves around the island to sit beside me, and he takes hold of my hand.

"Okay, maybe I won't like hearing it, but if it's honest, then I will just have to deal with it. Just like I am going to honest with you, and you might not like what I have to say. But I feel like maybe there is something you need to say to me, so say it."

I feel a couple tears run down my cheek, and I wipe them away. Carter hands me a tissue, but doesn't let go of my hand. I just can't look at him.

"I've really missed you." I say very softly. "I know I played a big part in what ruined our relationship and I have always regretted what I did when you came back from Africa the first time. I wish I had it to do over again, I wish we could go back and make it all okay, go back to where we were before things got so screwed up. It has been so hard to watch you move on, without me, I thought we would be together, forever. But you keep walking in and out of my life, this time you show up with yet another new woman in your life, and then I find out you and Wendall have a child together. It is hard for me to watch, I still love you, I never really stopped." My throat is closing up, I can't say any more, I feel like I have let out a lifetime of thoughts.

It doesn't help that Carter is totally silent, I am still crying, and then he pulls me into a hug, and I tuck my head against his chest. He always knew how to make me feel better.

I hear him take a breath, and I am not sure if I am going to like what he has to say.

"I'm not sure what part to respond to first. I guess I am glad that you can finally talk to me, really tell me what is going on in your head. You know, that was the hardest part, about you and me. When we were friends, before we got involved, we were able to talk, and then at some point we lost that ability and I hated not knowing what you were thinking, where I stood with you. That night I came back, it was difficult, I wish you had talked to me, but your actions told me it was over, and there was nothing I could do to change it." He is quiet for a minute. "I knew then that I wasn't making you happy, we were just hurting each other. So I left, to give us both space to get over each other. I'm sorry my moving on has hurt you, but to be honest, I didn't think you loved me, not the way I needed you to, and I couldn't sit around trying to guess what you wanted, what you were feeling. We can't rewind time, believe me there are a lot of things in my life that I wish I could do differently, but I can't. Lucy died, I lost a child, my cousin overdosed, so many other things that I wish I could fix, and that includes parts of our relationship. I'm sorry, if my current situation hurts you, but he's my son, and I love him, I am happy he is in my life."

He has not let me go, I have my arms around him now too, I don't want to let him go.

He continues and I know this is where he tells me it's over, that it has been for a long time. I'm not wrong.

"I care about you Abby, but you and I can't be anything more than friends, I love you as a friend, but I can't get involved with you beyond that again, I don't think we were good for each other, we both ended up getting hurt."

I wipe my eyes again and look up at him, I am sure my face is puffy and red.

"I wish we could have another chance, it feels like I won't ever find anyone like you again, we had a good thing, and I messed it up. I've tried dating, I was with Jake for a while, and it just wasn't good. What if I never find that person, the one I'm meant to be with?"

" _We_ messed it up, Abby, we both made mistakes, we both hurt each other in the end. I never wanted it that way, but sometimes you can't go back, as much as you might want to. As far as finding the one you're meant to be with, I ask myself that all the time, I thought at one point that you and I would be together forever too, but then we weren't. Then I met Kem, and I thought I had everything I wanted but it was gone in the blink of an eye. Losing a child, it was too much for us to get through. We were together, then apart, then we tried again for a few months, and now it's over, really over, I can't go back and fix that either, but I've accepted it." He sighed "It seems like that is all I have been doing in my life, trying to move on, but things haven't worked out how I wanted."

"I've changed, John, you asked me once if I thought we had changed, and I made a mistake saying people never change. They do change, I finally understand what you were trying to say to me, I wish we could have another chance to make it work between us.  We are both single, why couldn't we just try again."

He pulls back a bit and shakes his head slightly, as if denying everything.

"Abby, I can't, I just can't. You will always be a friend, I will always care about you, but I couldn't truly make you happy then, and I know I can't make you happy now. I've changed too, the last couple years have made me see things more clearly. Just loving someone is not always enough to make things right."

I nod slightly and wipe the tears from my cheeks, knowing his heart is not mine, it never will be again.  I lost him so long ago due to my own stupidity.

"Abby, don't throw away all you worked so hard for – becoming a doctor, getting sober, being there for Maggie and Eric, please don't do that. Do what you need to do to get well. I'm not sure what happened with you last night, but I understand, you know I do. I had a hard time a couple years ago, you could see it, I was falling apart, but aside from the unfortunate getting drunk and coming back to work incident, I have managed to stay sober, to not start using again. There were times it was tempting, to numb the pain I was feeling, but I didn't and I am glad I didn't, I wouldn't have what I do now. Abby, you deserve to be happy, do what you need to be happy." He whispers. "Please get the help you need to do that."

We sit there for a long time, Carter just holding me in his arms, and I know he is right. What we had is gone, long gone, and no amount of wishing can take us back to those early days when we couldn't get enough of each other. He has experienced things I cannot imagine, it _has_ changed him, but I think in good ways. He seems to know what he wants, what is important to him, and I wish I could be as strong as he is now. Carter and I no longer fit together like we once did. I have to accept that he will never be mine again, that maybe I am just chasing the dream of what could have been between us.


	19. Awakening

**Carter**

It turns out both Susan and Debbie were right, Abby has not quite given up on us. I was a little surprised when I woke up this morning, and she was there, sleeping beside me. I decided to get up right away, I thought it might be easier if I did, less awkward considering she is my ex-girlfriend and I was just...uncomfortable with the situation.

I did not want to bring it up when she did find me this morning, I thought if maybe I just said nothing, it would be better. And I guess that was the right decision. I finally got to tell Abby some things that I have wanted to tell her for a while, and I think we might have closure on our relationship. Something that I realize was missing, closure. We had never sat down and really talked about the end of us, I am happy that now we have.

She said she wanted another chance, to see if it could work, but I know I don't even want to try. I meant what I said, I will always care about her, consider her a friend, but I'm not sure what we had was really love. She tells me now that she does love me - _still_ loves me - if she had been able to say that to me 3 years ago, it would have mattered, but now? I am looking for something totally different in a relationship, and I know we can never get back what we once had, the happiness of those first few months we were together. Though she seemed stronger and happy when I came home with Kem from Africa, I could see that some of the issues were still there, she still put up walls, and she might never be able to change that. I still care about her deeply, but we could never make it as a couple.

I drive her home, and she promises to get in touch with her sponsor and maybe go talk to a therapist, and to call me if she needs to talk. In the end, she and I have a lot of issues, the combined baggage and insecurities we bring into a relationship would sink us.

I told her that I had spent some time with a private therapist before I went back to Africa the last time and I have been able to deal with some of my issues, and that it has helped me more than AA ever did. I was able to deal with feelings about my mother, my cousin Chase, Lucy's death, the loss of my son, and of course the breakdown of my relationship with Abby, forgive myself for my mistakes, and get some badly needed closure in my life. I feel like I can move on, and hopefully find that right person, and be happy, and maybe Abby can too.

I have a message on my phone when I get home that is good news. Wendall woke up for a few minutes today, and she seemed lucid, she was able to answer some questions. I call in and ask for her doctor.

"Dr. Wilson, this is Dr. Carter. I understand Wendall was awake, can you tell me how she is?"

"Dr. Carter, good to hear from you. Yes, she was awake for a few minutes, her neuro exam went well, and she did ask about her son, so that is good news. I told her he is fine and being well taken care of, and I will have him brought in so she can see him. Are you able to come over to the hospital this afternoon and bring the baby with you?"

I am happy to hear the exam was good, and she remembers her son, sometimes there can be memory loss in these cases, and I have been a little worried about it. "Yes, I can be there in a couple hours with Logan. I am sure she will be anxious to see him and know he really is okay."

"Have them page me when you arrive, we can talk and then you can take the baby in to see her. She was a bit agitated that we couldn't bring him in right away."

"I will do that. See you in a couple hours"

I get home and get Logan bathed and changed into some fresh clothes. I pack him up a couple of bottles and make sure I have what he needs in case we are there for a few hours. As soon as we get to the hospital I go right up to the ICU, and ask them to get Dr. Wilson. She shakes my hand and we go into her office.

"Dr. Carter, good to see you. And this must be Logan, what a cutie, he looks pretty happy. So Wendall is waking up for short periods, to be expected, her body is still trying to heal. I think she will make a full recovery in time, but she will be here probably for a few more weeks, then she can go home, but she is going to need a lot of help at first, and physiotherapy. I want her to be able to see her son, but she is not going to be able to care for him for at least a couple more months. I need to know what kind of support you can provide Wendall during her recovery. I understand you are not married, maybe not still together and I'm not sure what you are willing or able to do for her."

"Well, for sure I will make sure Logan is taken care of, no question. As to what I can do to help Wendall, I guess the answer is whatever help she is willing to accept from me. I need to have a chance to talk to her."

Dr. Wilson looks at me intently.

"Fair enough, but you need to take things slow over the next few days for her. I don't want her getting upset, it won't help her recovery. We will know more about her condition as she has longer periods of being awake, and we can get her moving around. I did explain to her earlier about the accident, and that she has been in a coma for a couple months."

"I understand, I think the main thing for today is that she knows our son is okay, being taken care of and that I will bring him to see her as much as possible. If you can keep me updated, then we can see how it goes. My intent right now is to ask her to come stay with me at my place at least for a while, but I will have to see how she feels about it. That way I can take care of Logan, but she can still see him as much as she wants, and I can make sure she is getting the therapy she needs."

"So you were not living together?"

"No, I was in Darfur working at an IDP camp when I found out about the accident, I came home and took Logan at that time."

"Darfur? Wow, that must have been interesting work, pretty brave to be in the Sudan right now. Are you okay to take him in to see her when she next wakes up? It should be fairly soon."

"Logan is going to need a bottle pretty soon, so if it's okay can I sit with her until she does wake up? I usually see her daily, and I was trying to bring him with me."

"I think that is fine, it will be good for her to see a familiar face and her son right away." She stands and we both head over to Wendalls room, I make myself comfortable in the chair and get Logan settled for his bottle. He is almost done when I see her eyelids flicker open and she turns her head slightly seeing me sitting beside her bed.

"John?" she says softly. "What are you doing here, when did you get back?"

"Hey Wendall, good to see you awake" I say gently. "I've been back a couple months."

I put down the bottle and give Logan's face a wipe, then take him over and sit on the side of her bed. I can see a tear run down her cheek, and she reaches out to touch Logan's cheek. She can't take her eyes off him.

"He really is okay, he looks good. Have you been taking care of him?"

"Susan tracked me down, I was working in an IDP camp in Darfur, got a message to me to get home, so I did. A bit of a surprise, but I took him right away, so he has been with me since I got back, which was only a few days after the accident. Wendall, he is really beautiful." 

"I want to hold him, but I'm not sure I can."

I stand up, and raise her bed a bit so she is a little more upright. I sit on the bed beside her and slide one arm behind her so I can support her and bring Logan over enough so she can put an arm under him. She leans down and gives him a kiss and he grabs one of her fingers and gurgles happily.

We sit like that for a couple minutes, as she talks to him and smiles.  Finally, I can see she is getting tired, so I pick him up gently and put her bed back down, I turn but stay sitting on the side of her bed so Logan is close.

Wendall looks up at me with some trepidation.

"Are you angry with me, John?"

"Angry about what?"

She takes a deep breath, and her voice trembles, I can see the tears threatening.

"Not telling you I was pregnant, having your baby without giving you a say in the matter." She looks down at her hands.

I reach out and tip her chin up and look into her eyes, forcing her not to look away.

"I'm not mad Wendall, I was a little upset that you didn't tell me, but I'm glad you did have him. Susan told me you were trying to find me but the Alliance wasn't willing to give you information, that you did want me to know. But mad? Never – he is like a little miracle, he's truly beautiful and I have loved getting to know him. But I've been worried about you."

Wendall gives me a tentative smile.

"It is good to know he is with you. None of my family is capable of taking care of him, and you were so far away, and didn't know he existed. I'm really sorry about that."

"Well, thankfully the lovely Susan Lewis knew that he was my son, and she got Luka to call Africa, and he used his Alliance connections to find me. She sent me a message that I had a personal emergency and I needed to come home right away, so they airlifted me out by helicopter, I flew home, and Susan took it from there. I got home just a couple days after, and Susan had sweet talked DCFS into letting her take him until I got here. He was well taken care of, don't worry, and I will take care of him until you are better. Then we can talk about how we are going to manage raising our son, I want to be part of his life."

"That sounds good...I was worried when I saw you that you would be angry with me, but thank you for taking care of him."

"You don't need to thank me Wendall, he's my son, I plan on being there for him for the rest of his life."

Wendall nods and I can see her eyelids are drooping.

"Okay, I can see you need some more sleep, so I am going to take this little guy home, and get him to bed. You rest, and I will bring him back tomorrow, Dr. Wilson has my phone number if you want to talk to me before then." I lean down and give her a kiss on the forehead, which brings a small smile to her face. I squeeze her hand, and gather up our things. I step out and pull the door shut gently behind me.

Dr. Wilson is in the hall, I know she was watching us through the glass.

"So that went pretty well then? It looks like she was happy to see both of you."

"It went really well, I told her to get some sleep and we will be back to see her tomorrow. Even that short visit tired her out a lot, and I can tell she is in some pain. But at least her mind is at ease on a couple matters, she knows Logan is okay." I say goodnight, and head out, thinking I might stop in the ER and see if Susan is there, and let her know Wendall is awake.


	20. Chapter 20

**Susan**

I am on the night shift, when Carter shows up, and the nurses almost mob him, they take Logan and he gets passed around a bit, the nurses are oohing and ahing over how cute he is. Carter pulls me aside and talks quietly.

"Wendall woke up, I was just up in ICU and I got a chance to see her."

"That is great news…how is she?"  She suddenly gives me an apprehensive look.  "How did she take it that you were back?"

"Good, no memory issues, she seems fine, but really tired, she is sleeping a lot. We had a bit of a talk, she was worried I was mad at her, so I let her know I'm not, and that Logan is with me. Funny, I thought she was mad at me, but she's not. So I will bring him back to see her again tomorrow. She will still be here for a while, and then I told her we can figure things out."

I give him a big hug, feeling very relieved.

"Good, I know it will all work out. And I am relieved she is okay, she has become a good friend. How did things go with Abby this morning? Was she pretty hung over, and did you find out what is bothering her, to make her drink so much?"

"She was kind of embarrassed, and hung over is an understatement, I have never seen her drunk like that. Even when I came back from Belize, she was totally out, but I don't think had as much then as she did last night. We had a good talk, cleared the air on some stuff, you know, we are better as friends, not getting back together kind of stuff. I think she is going to get some help with her drinking, we talked about that too."

I am a little concerned with the statement about not getting back together.

"Did she actually want to get back together?" I whisper.

"You and Debbie both were right on that point, she wanted to try again, but I told her I can't, I don't think I can make her happy. So I am hoping now that she will move on, and we can be friends."

Jing Mei brings Logan back over to Carter.

"Wow, he has grown since I saw him last, John, and I think he recognized me, he smiled." Deb seems enamored by Logan.

"I bet he did, you're Aunt Deb, right?"

I think Jing-Mei is going to slug him for using the name Deb, but instead she simply smiles brightly.  

"That's right, Auntie Deb is going to come babysit you one night, right Logan?  My precious angel."  She gives the boy a kiss and runs her hand over his downy hair, then starts to quickly update the board.

"Susan, can we have coffee in the next couple days? I have a couple questions for you." Logan is now starting to fuss. "I should go, I think its bed time for someone."

Jing Mei turns around after wiping the patient details away.

"Hey, I'm off, have you eaten?"

Carter shakes his head as he bounces Logan, trying to sooth him.

"No, did you want to come over and we can get something delivered? Maybe Italian from that great little place down the street? Are you here for a while yet Susan?"

"Yeah, until midnight, and then I need to get home to Chuck and Cosmo. I'll call you and we'll set up coffee."

"Sounds good. Hey Deb, I have the car, did you drive or take the El?"  Carter smiles at me, still rocking and bouncing the baby.  He really is incredible with kids, never misses a beat.

"I took the El, so if you wait a minute, I'll come with you." Deb flounces of to the lounge and Carter gathers things up and heads towards the lounge behind her.

"Goodnight, see you tomorrow." Carter meets Deb by the door of the lounge and they head out of the doors.

Pratt is by the admit desk, and he watches them go.

"They are spending a lot of time together. Wonder what is going on there."

"Don't worry Pratt, they have been friends for years, don't concern yourself too much."  I smirk slightly, Pratt is jealous.

I can see his eyes track them out the doors and he stares blankly at the sliding glass for a moment too long.  Definitely jealous, that little green eyed monster.  Boy is he barking up the wrong tree, I am pretty sure Carter is interested in rekindling things with Wendall, after all, they were good together...really good in my opinion.

"What are you alls standing around for?  Patients to see, get moving!"  Weavers voice is like a siren, breaking the silence at the admit desk harshly.  Pratt jumps slightly, looks over at her and bolts for an exam room with his chart.

**Carter**

Deb and I head out of the ER, she has been around quite a bit lately, which I love. She has always been a good friend, and I know she has found it hard with her parents gone. I don't think she is seeing anyone seriously either, and she really loves spending time with Logan. We have been getting together at least a couple times a week, sometimes she just shows up at my door and we take Logan out to the park or just hang out.  It feels a bit like old times.

We stop and pick up some Italian and head to my place.

"So how was your shift today?"

"Long, very long. Are you ever coming back? I really miss you at work, you know. My best friend keeps disappearing, running off to Africa."

"Sorry, won't happen again, I think I am back in Chicago permanently. As far as work goes, I think I will be off for another couple months, though Wendall woke up today."

"Really? That's terrific, but I bet it is going to be a while before she can do much."

"Yeah, she has quite a ways to go to recover, probably a while longer in the hospital, then physiotherapy."

"So how did the conversation go, isn't this the first time you have spoken to her in like a year?"

"Pretty much, but it was okay, she thought I would be really angry with her, but I'm actually not."

"Angry about what?"

"Well, I guess she thought that I would be mad she didn't tell me she was pregnant, and then not giving me a choice on whether she had my child or not."

"I know, Frank, Michael's dad, was not very happy with me, I kind of did the same thing to him, though I guess he and I were just a one night thing. He was a little surprised when I showed up to get him to sign the waiver for adoption, but relieved he did not have to be involved with a baby. Not sure what I saw in him."

"Nurse Frank, from upstairs? I never knew he was Michael's father. He was totally your type, I bet I know what you saw in him." I joked with her.

She punched me on the shoulder.

"John, stop it. Like you can talk, you and those cute little blonds that you love to date."

"Yeah, well I do actually date them...it's generally more than a one night thing. But I guess you're right, about 95% of them are blond, not sure what that's about."

"Exactly, you have a type too, don't deny it. But anyway you and Wendall actually had a relationship, and you are much different than Frank, though maybe Wendall didn't know how you would feel."

I pull into my garage, and we go into the house.

"I'm sure she didn't know, but would have been nice to be told about it. Anyway it's a complicated issue, Deb, I think it was fair you made the decision, you're the one who had to actually _have_ the baby, and I'm okay that Wendall made the decision. I sort of understand why she didn't tell me right away, there were a lot of issues she was thinking about, at least that is what I understand from talking to Susan, and I am sure you went through the same thing. Then when she wanted to tell me, I was gone and I guess she tried to get hold of me, but the NGO wasn't cooperating, you know, privacy issues. I think Susan told you she got Luka to pull some strings in Africa to find me in Darfur. I would have liked to know sooner, but dwelling on that doesn't change anything, he's my son, that's all there is to it.

I put everything down on the counter, Logan has fallen asleep so I put him in the playpen in the living room, I know he will be up soon.

Deb has started to get things out so we can eat, she has gotten pretty familiar with my house. We work together and soon are sitting down with full plates of food.

"You always make me feel better, but I still feel guilty, like I walked away from my child. I could never see you walking away from your child." Deb looks a little sad.

I reach over and rub her shoulder, glad I can help her assuage her guilt.

"You didn't just walk away, we both know that. You made a decision that was right for you, at the time you made it. You knew you would be doing it alone and if you couldn't that is okay. Michael is with a family that loves him, you didn't abandon him Deb, I was there, I know you didn't make that decision easily."

She nods, and wipes away a tear.

"You're right, and you know I can't thank you enough for being there for me, coaching me through labour, being a friend."

"I was happy to be there, and you know you can always count on me, you just have to ask. And I think I owe you a bit too, you were there for me when I hit rock bottom, I know you noticed that things weren't right and tried to get me help.  I was totally out of control, I could be dead now without you, or be some street corner junkie. You were really there for me when I was in the hospital too, I haven't forgotten that you visited almost every day."

"I still feel guilty that I didn't catch on sooner, though. If I had been more open with you about what I was going through, maybe you would have been more open with me too?"

"I know the feeling, when I got back from Atlanta, and you were like almost 6 months pregnant, I couldn't believe I had entirely missed what was going on with you. I was so wrapped up in my own issues. So we just need to never do that again."

"Does Wendall know all the history?"

"What, about Sobricki and my stay in Atlanta? No, we didn't get that far, not something I discuss right away and we were only together about three months. Once she is better, we will see how things go, I may end up sharing some it. I know she was curious about my scars, but she never asked, I wanted to see where things were going before I revealed certain things, like I am sure she has things she hasn't told me. And I haven't used since I went to Atlanta, and I never plan to either, that part of my life is over, so it's not like it was a current issue. Almost 6 years now, "

"And she doesn't know how much money you have either."

"No, absolutely not. I mean she knows I'm not poor, this house is a bit of a giveaway, given it's size and location. But I like to get to know someone first, I don't want to be with someone that's about the money. I mean, you're not exactly destitute either, it must cross your mind when you date someone that you want them to be there for you, not your money? Not that I think Wendall is like that, but it's not something I reveal too early, if you know what I mean, it's not like it's just a couple hundred thousand dollars, it's hundreds of millions of dollars between the Foundation assets, what she left me personally, and my trust fund."

"Of course, after my parents died especially, I inherited quite a lot too, though not as much as you did from your grandmother. My name isn't as well known around Chicago as yours either, with the Foundation more people know who you are, so you have to be more careful than I do. But I do think about it, though I don't seem to be having much luck in the finding the love of my life department."

We move on to lighter topics, cleaning up the kitchen, playing with Logan, and then watching a movie together. Deb stays the night in the guest room as it is pretty late, and she doesn't have to work until noon the next day.

 **Jing** **Mei**

John and I have a great evening, we have become a lot closer lately, it feels like I have my friend back again. It seems like in the past few years, other people and other things have kept us apart a bit more than I would like.

In the past, he has almost always been seeing someone, or I have, or we have had other things getting in the way, like his time in Africa, my parents accident and taking care of my dad.

Then he was dating Abby for quite a while, about a year I think, and he was so wrapped up in her. Don't get me wrong, I like Abby, but she was not the girl for John. I think he convinced himself he loved her, and on some level he probably did, but she had a lot of issues, the biggest one being she does not open up about her feelings. The three of us, Susan, Abby and I would go out for drinks and though she seemed happy enough with John when he was around her, she never said much about their relationship to Susan, or to me.

John did a lot for her, he always showed lots of affection towards her, and maybe she did to him for the first while too. He supported her when she was having problems with her mom and her brother, he was always there for her, and I think they were spending a lot of time together, usually at either his or her apartment. Never once in our nights out did she ever express any sort of appreciation for any of that. If I found a guy like John, who loved me and did that much for me, I am certain my friends would know how much I loved him. I probably wouldn't shut up about how wonderful he was, because it is rare to find that one person who loves you so much they would do anything for you. But I never heard her say anything even close, it was like she was always waiting for him to disappoint her some way, and she finally had her chance when he went to Africa.

I know he's not perfect, I have known him a long time, and I know his faults, but he is a very generous and loving guy, and he deserves someone who he can love, and will openly love him back. She could never do that, and in the end, I guess that is why he stayed in Africa the second time he went, he couldn't stay in a relationship where he didn't feel loved, or needed.

I remember the night we all went out for drinks, and the conversation.

_"Abby, have you heard from John yet?" I asked her_

_"Well, sort of, he left a message on my machine, he was in Paris, just leaving for Kisangani. He said he was sorry to leave without talking, but he needs to find Luka. I can't believe he went again, he promised a couple months ago that he wouldn't go to Africa at all, he broke his word to me, now he is there a second time."_

_Susan was looking a little irate._

_"He went because a friend is in trouble, Abby, and anyway, what do you expect? He comes to see you right from the airport after traveling for 24 hours to get home, and you basically tell him to get lost. Asking for your key back, refusing to talk to him, leaving a bag of stuff on his locker, then yelling at him in the ambulance bay. What did you say? Oh, didn't you ask him why he bothered even coming back? And you think he was going to ask your permission to go and find Luka?"  
_

_I looked at Susan, then back at Abby._

_"Is that what happened? You told him you didn't know why he came back? You broke up with him Abby, asking for your key back, returning things that he left at your apartment? Why do you think you'd have any right to tell him what to do, it sounds like you didn't want him back. If a guy took my house key back, I would assume he didn't want to see me again ever."_

I was really disappointed in her, and I was angry that she broke off their relationship, without even talking to him. She was pretty careless with the letter he wrote her too, and played it out like he was horrible, abandoning her, when in reality, she was the one who ended it that night he first came back from Africa.

I stay in the guest room, and when I get up I can hear John in the kitchen already and smell the fresh coffee. I go down and he is making some breakfast, and he has Logan there with him, I love to watch them together, he was just meant to be a dad.

I reach up and give John and Logan both a kiss on the cheek, and I take Logan from John's arms and talk to him while John finishes making the eggs. He pours us some fresh juice and coffee, then we sit and eat, taking turns keeping his son occupied. Pretty easy, he is really a happy baby.

I run up and shower, and put on some fresh clothes. I have left a few things at his house, as I have been coming over more often, and it makes it easy for work. I come back down, and I see John has showered and changed, Logan is napping in the playpen and John is working at his desk.

"I didn't ask you how it went the other night, with Abby, I heard you ended up taking care of her as she got so drunk."

John rolled his eyes a bit, but I know he will level with me.

"Okay I guess, she was passed out in my car by the time we got here, so I had to carry her upstairs. Then Susan had Pratt bring over a banana bag for her, she threw up a few times, had a pretty good hangover the next morning. We did have a bit of a talk though, Susan had been getting the feeling that Abby wanted to start something up with me, so I had to find out what Abby was thinking."

I feel a little alarmed at this, no way do I want that girl to get her hooks back into John, not after the way she treated him.

"Nothing happened between you though, did it? You're not getting back together with her?"

Thankfully John shook his head right away.

"No, nothing, I mean she was dead drunk and passed out, and if she wasn't she wouldn't have even been here, I don't want to get back into a relationship with her. Anyway by the time morning came, I was thinking Susan might be right. I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I went to bed just after 3 am, alone, and woke up around 7am and Abby was just…there. I left her in the guest room passed out, and I don't think I gave her any indication it was okay to just come and crawl into bed with me. So, I got up, I didn't want to be there when she woke up, it would have been….awkward to say the least."

I think my mouth must have been hanging open, I am totally shocked. Abby just decided it was okay to sleep in the same bed with her ex-boyfriend?

"Wow, I would not have expected that either, she just climbs into bed with you while you're asleep? I think that next time she gets drunk, you should send her home with someone else."

"Well hopefully there will not be a next time for her getting that drunk, but I sure won't have her stay here again. We can be friends, I want her to be happy, but I didn't feel comfortable waking up with her in my bed. But please don't say anything to anyone, Deb, I don't want rumours going around, I am only telling you because I needed to talk to someone about it."

"I'm not going to say anything, you know that. Did she say anything about it?"

"I wasn't sure how to bring it up, but I finally got her to talk and she wanted another chance to make our relationship work, and she told me she still loves me….I mean, she _STILL_ loves me? She was never able to tell me she loved me when we were actually together, but she can say it now? After we've been apart for almost 3 years? Her inability to tell me how she felt about me, about our relationship was one of the things that broke us up, but she can say it now?"

"You know I wondered about that sometimes, when you were seeing her. When we went out for girls night she never talked much about the two of you, how it was going. She was pretty closed off on the subject, but I was hoping she was more open with you. But I guess not."

"No, let's say she has trouble expressing her feelings, and trusting people, it was difficult, especially the last couple months we were actually together. When it went bad, it went bad quickly, and hit the point of no return right around the time my grandmother died. The first time I came back, I thought maybe we could get back on track, but she put the nail in the coffin, asking for my key back. So I didn't see any reason to rush back home when I went to find Luka."

"I am not going to say anything to anyone, but I get why you were uncomfortable and I hope you made it really clear to her that it's over. That would be like Pratt crawling into bed with me"

"Exactly. You know I still can't believe you dated him."  John laughed slightly.

"Well, I can't believe you dated Abby, well, or that you dated her as long as you did, so I guess we're even. I like Abby, but I never thought she was the right person for you. You looked happy for the first 6 months or so, then it seemed like there was always some issue in her life. She didn't look happy, and she was starting to drink more when we went out on our girls night. I don't think that was your fault at all, I just think she has trouble being happy, I still haven't seen her truly happy, no matter who she has been with."

"I suppose that is true, but I think we have closure on it now, so time to move on with my life."

"So, I have the day off, why don't we go out and do something fun today."

"Sounds good, let's get out of here."


	21. Invitation

**Carter**

Deb and I have a great morning, taking Logan to the park, and I take her out for lunch, then we go for a walk by the lake. As usual, we have a lot to talk about, being around Deb is always so easy and comfortable. After lunch, Deb heads home, and I go over to the hospital to see Wendall.

I peek into her room, and see she is awake, so I step inside and move a chair close to the bed so we can talk.

"Hi, how are you feeling today?"

Wendall looks happy to see us, or at least she is happy that I have brought her son in to see her. Though we seem okay, I am still wondering how she feels, waking up to find me back in Chicago.

"A little better today, I just woke up a while ago."

I take Logan over and sit him on her lap, but sit on the bed to help her out with him. He is getting more active now he is getting closer to 5 months old. I can't believe I have been back for close to three months already, it seems in some ways like I never left.

"He has grown so much, I can't believe it, but he looks really happy. It makes being in here easier, knowing he is with you." Wendall seems sincere about this, and I think she can tell that I truly love being with him.

"We have gotten into a routine, and he is a really good baby. He is getting up a couple times a night, but he is not up too long, so I manage to get enough sleep. Actually, I find I get more sleep now than when I was in Africa, or even when I was working in the ER at County. Most of my shifts ended up being about 15 hours, now I just have to be up for an hour or so a couple times a night, almost like a vacation."

Wendall laughs a little at this comment and nods with a smile.

"I guess that's true, I know what kind of hours you ER doctors put in, so maybe being at home is easier. Though Susan said she was happy to come back to work only a few months after Cosmo was born. So, you have been off work since you got back from Africa, are you planning on going back to County? I'm sorry for bringing you back to Chicago, don't you need to be in Africa?"

"No, I was planning on coming home fairly soon, anyway. I went to the IDP camp in Darfur to help out for a couple months, then I was going to be back in Chicago, I have things to take care of here. My friend Debbie from the International Red Cross asked me to go, they were short doctors. Even harder to get people to go now, with what is going on there, but I was already in the Congo, so not much difference I guess, a short helicopter ride to the camp from Kinshasa. Anyway, once you are feeling better I will probably pick up a couple shifts a week at County, as an per diem Attending, just to keep my skills up."

Wendall shakes her head.

"It must be difficult to work in those areas, Susan seemed pretty worried about you. So can't you get full time shifts at County? I would think they would love having you back, you worked there a long time. How are you going to manage on just part time?"

"I could go full time, I ran into Kerry a couple weeks ago and she asked me back as they are still looking for another Attending, but right now I am busy with other things. I only _want_ to be part time for a while, I get to spend time with my son, and I am writing a couple of articles to be published, as well as I have a couple other projects on the go too. I am fine working part time, I can do that for as long as needed. I have…family money, some inheritance from my grandmother. I don't have to work right now."

Wendall doesn't really know a lot about my family, I think I will have to tell her a few things, but now is not that time.

"And you're not going back to Africa? That is a good thing, I would be worried if you did."

Wow, Wendall was worried about me?  I am a little taken aback by this, I never thought she even cared, or maybe it's just because we have a child together now.

"It is bad there, no question, but no, I'm not going back, I need to be here right now, they will manage without me. The Alliance is a volunteer organization, it's not like I signed a contract or anything. It is kind of nice to be home, lots of good food and hot showers, I missed that while I was gone."

Wendall laughs a little, I can tell she wants to ask me about Kem, but she doesn't.  There will be time to discuss that little mess in my life, but right now I want it to be about Wendall.

"So they tell me I am here for a couple more weeks, then maybe I get to go home, if I can work out my home care. Susan said she would try and help out a bit, but she is working full time and I don't want to take her away from Cosmo and Chuck too much.  I need to get a nanny for when I have Logan with me, but I guess we need to figure that out too, don't we."

"We do, but let's not worry about it right now. Work on getting better and we can discuss things over the next while. Are you going to be able to manage at your place?"

"I don't know, I was up for a bit today, but I need a few weeks of physio to get moving again. I did some damage to my leg, and it is healing, but you know it takes time. It will be difficult, I'm not sure what it will be like."  She shrugs, I can see that there are still many unknowns for her, and we need to sort things out quickly so she an relax a bit.

"It can be challenging. I had to do physio for several weeks a few years back, just make sure you don't rush it. I tried to do too much too soon, and it did not go well."

"I didn't know that, John, were you in an accident?"

"You could say that." I guess one more thing I need to add on the list to tell her, but it is something I don't want to talk about right now, so I change the subject. "So anyway, I have a suggestion, if you like, you can come stay in my guest room. That way I can do most of what is needed for Logan, you can have a home care nurse come in if you need to and I can bring you in for your physio or we can get a physiotherapist to come there. It's up to you, but I know you don't have family here to help, and most of your friends work full time. My schedule is flexible, right now I'm working from home and mostly writing. You know I have lots of room, and I would like to help if I can."

"Really? You would be okay with me staying at your house? Won't that interfere in your personal life?"

"It's not like it would be forever, Wendall. It's only a couple months, until you can manage at home and are ready to go back to work. I'm not seeing anyone, I haven't had much time for a real social life since I got home, not with a baby to take care of – not that I mind, I enjoy spending the time with him. Though you will have to put up with Susan and Deb, I mean Jing Mei coming by quite a bit, they have grown quite attached to our son. If you think you can put up being around me that much, it is fine with me, or I wouldn't have offered."

"Jing Mei?"

"Dr. Chen, from the ER. She and I have been friends since we were med students, about 12 years now. I think she was away quite a bit when you were working at County, she had some family issues to deal. She has just come back to County after being away for a while."

"Oh right, Dr. Chen, I don't think she was there much, I might have met her once or twice. Are you sure, John? It is generous of you to offer to let me stay with you. It would solve a lot of the issues I was worrying about."

"I'm sure. You can stay as long as you need. I have a housekeeper coming in a few times a week, she does all the housework, grocery shopping and laundry, and helps at bit with Logan as needed and I coerce her into cooking sometimes too. So you can concentrate on getting better, and we both get the added benefit of Logan being there pretty much all the time. Might be able to get you out of the hospital a little quicker too, especially since you will have a doctor at home with you a lot of the time."

Wendall looks at me for a minute, I can almost see the wheels turning, her eyes thoughtful.

"Pretty tempting offer, sounds like I get to be well take care of, and eat real food instead of this hospital stuff, sleep in a real bed, and I don't have to do much of anything."

"Well, except for your physio, I won't let you get away without doing your physic.  Hey, you know how close I am to the lake path, and that great little coffee shop, if the weather is good we can get you out of the house.  You always liked going along the lakeshore on runs...though I guess you won't be running anywhere for a while, it will still be nice to walk there."

"You're pretty persuasive aren't you Dr. Carter."

"I can be, occasionally.  No pressure Wendall, it was just a thought I had.   You can think about it, let me know and I will help you set up the arrangements whether you come stay with me or you prefer to go home to your apartment. That way you don't have to rely on Susan as much, and we can get you out of here.  I hate being in the hospital, and I am sure you do too."

"You are right about that, I can't wait to be out of here.  Okay, I will give it some thought and let you know soon."

Wendall is ready to rest again, so I take Logan, and head home.

**Wendall**

John brings our son in to see me, and I can see he is doing a great job with him. I am not really surprised, I knew he would be a terrific dad. I saw him with babies and kids a lot in the ER when I worked there, and he is amazing with his patients.

It was a bit of a shock to wake up in the hospital, finding out I had been in a coma for two months. I know I panicked at first about Logan, but they told me he was doing fine, no injuries from the crash which was a small miracle. They told me he was being well taken care of, that Susan Lewis had arranged care and they would have him brought in now I was awake. I was anxious to see him, and next thing you know I am waking up, and John is sitting in my room.  Holding our son.

I was a bit nervous to see him again, but I guess he had a couple months to get used to the idea that he was a father. He had come back from Africa, to take care of his son, thanks to Susan. I am grateful Susan and I became friends, and that she was there when I came in after the MVA. Though I am sure DCFS would have checked the birth certificate and known John was Logan's father, I don't know how they would have located him.

Almost the first thing that came out of my mouth was to ask John if he was angry with me, but he's not, at all. Even though I didn't tell him, he seems happy that he is part of his child's life, not mad I didn't tell him.

Our first visit was short, I was tired, but today, we talked a bit longer. I found out he was in Darfur, I know from what Susan told me when she visited the other day that she is happy she made him come home. The violence there has escalated, she was worried about him being there. He has been her friend for several years, and she thinks he takes too many chances with his life, but I have to admit he is pretty brave to work in Africa.

John made a very surprising offer today, he asked if I wanted to come and stay with him for a couple months, knowing that I don't have family here to help me. He did not give me details, but it sounds like he went through something a few years ago, and had to do physio, and knew it was difficult. Maybe that is why he is offering, or maybe it allows him to have his son close to him, I'm not sure, but I think I will take him up on it. Though I was angry with him when things ended between us, we do have a child now together, and this might be a good for both of us, give time to discuss what happens next. And despite how angry I was with him, I actually care about this guy.

Susan knocks on my door later in the afternoon, a couple hours after John has taken Logan home.

"Wendall, you look better today."

"I'm feeling a bit better, I have actually been awake for longer than 30 seconds at a time. You just missed John, he brought Logan over for a visit."

"Oh, that's too bad, I need to get together with him for coffee in the next day or so, we could have set up a time. I'll call him later. So, we need to work on getting things set up so you can go home sometime soon."

"We do, but I have to tell you something. John offered to let me stay at his place for a couple months, and he said he would help me set up home care. It would mean I don't need a nanny and I would need a nurse fewer hours, or maybe not at all and it sounds like he has someone in to do a lot of the housework. And he said he is not going back to work for a couple months, and then he is only looking at part time."

I notice that Susan does not see all that surprised about the offer or that he is only going to work part time.

"Typical Carter, should have known he has a maid. I did know he is only looking to pick up a couple shifts a week, but he was going to wait until you were better. I think it is a great offer, you know you can trust him, you will be well taken care of and he certainly has a nice house."

"I know, I love that house, great location, and he had it all redone before he moved in. I spent quite a bit of time there when we were dating. I feel bad though, how is he managing, he hasn't worked for months, and if the Alliance is volunteer, how does he afford that house? I like I've interrupted his whole life."

"Don't worry about John, he does just fine financially, trust me, if he needed to work he would.  County would take him back in a heartbeat.  I think he is enjoying being home with his son, and he is keeping busy with other stuff."

"He said the same thing, he doesn't need to work. The Alliance stuff is all volunteer, and he said he has some family money, some inheritance from his grandmother, and not to worry about it. But I do worry about it, I don't want him to spend all his money while he takes care of me, isn't that going to be hard on him?

"I guess you would have to ask him. Not my place to discuss his finances, if you want more information, ask John, not me." She raises her eyebrow meaningfully.

"Don't you think he might not like it if I ask him though? He doesn't get into my financial stuff, I'm not sure I should get into his."

"I don't think it would be a big deal, Wendall. You do have a son to support, and I know John wants to do his part to take care of him too. Just talk to him, and know that he is going to do whatever is needed to take care of his son. I've known him a long time, he is pretty easy to talk to."

"Well, you know him better than I do, so if you think I should ask, then I will. I guess I will have to ask him about his physio too. He said he knew how hard it was, but he didn't elaborate, he kind of changed the subject when I tried to get him talking about why he needed physio."

"He probably thinks this is not the time to get into it. I wasn't there, but I know what happened, and it is." Susan hesitates. "Not that easy for him to talk about, but if you find the right time, I am sure he will tell you. He has had quite a few things happen in the past few years, and none of it has been easy for him."

I am really curious now, I dated the guy for 3 months, and I obviously don't know nearly enough about him, but Susan sure does, so he must share at some point.

"I feel like I know him, but I don't really know him at all. Does that sound strange?"

"Not really, just remember I've known him for a lot longer. I worked with him when he was a med student, he was about 23 when I met him and we work together for 3 years, and when you work in the ER you really work as a team and get to know each other. Even when he was doing his surgical internship, he covered the ER quite a bit. Then I was away for about 5 years, and when I came back 4 years ago, we picked up our friendship, so he has more comfort telling me things. I'm sure there is a lot you haven't told him too, you only dated for a few months. Some of the things that have happened you would not tell someone after a couple months, give him time."

"Okay, you're right, maybe I was expecting him to be an open book, too soon in the relationship."

"Keep in mind when you met, he had just been through one of the worst years of his life. He was struggling with a lot of things right before he went to Africa this last time, but I think a lot was-resolved is maybe the word, this last trip. We have had some good talks since he got back from Darfur, he seems more like the John Carter I used to know when I first got back from Pheonix. I am happy to have him back, he is a very good friend, he has always been pretty generous, and he has overcome more than you can imagine."

"So I have to ask, his relationship with Kem, it seems to be over? He said he is not seeing anyone, but he doesn't seem upset about it, but he didn't get into details either."

"He needed to deal with Kem, and he has, I think they keep in touch, but it is over and done. I don't think they had proper closure, losing their son made it difficult, especially with them on different continents, now they have it. I don't think I can say much more, again if you want to know, talk to him."

"You really love him don't you? I mean as a friend, he means a lot to you."

"He does mean a lot to me, we have had our differences, but he has always been a friend, and I want to see him happy. I have to say he is about as happy as I have seen him in quite a while, and I know he loves his son. When he came back and found out the situation he was ready to take Logan, no questions, he just did what needed to be done, and he will be there for him, trust me on that. Anyway, if you feel comfortable staying with him, then do it. I don't think you will regret it, and he wouldn't offer if he didn't want to have you there."

"Thanks Susan, I will talk to him when he comes in tomorrow, after I have had a chance to talk to my doctor."

Susan heads back down to the ER, and I am left with my thoughts. John Carter is a complicated guy, but I think I am going to like getting to know him better.


	22. Chapter 22

**Carter**

I decide to see if Susan is in today, we seem to be playing phone tag, and I want to run the offer I made to Wendall past her. She has been a great friend, to both Wendall, and to me.

I walk into the ER, and Susan is at the admit desk. Today the nurses are all pretty busy, so I get to hold on to my son.  I don't really mind that they seem to be enamoured with him though, he is a sweet boy, even if I know I am biased.

"Susan, glad you are in. Do you have a few minutes to grab some coffee?"

"Carter, glad you are here. Yes, I can go for about 20 minutes, if we get out of here now."

We leave before a new trauma can come in, one problem with the ER is when you want to leave, something always seems to happen. We go to the café down the street and ask for coffee and Susan chooses herself some breakfast, while I entertain Logan. The waitress fills our cups and goes to put in the order.

"I went to see Wendall yesterday, and she told me you offered to let her stay with you for a while."

"Well, news travels fast. I did actually, it kind of makes sense, I have the room, she will need to hire a lot less help, and Logan can have both parents close for now at least. It will give us some time to work things out. I have no idea yet how we are going to handle splitting time with Logan, what her thoughts are, and...well, I guess we just have a lot to discuss."

"I think it's pretty brave of you, to have your ex girlfriend stay with you, but I agree, it does make a lot of sense. I told her she should seriously think about it. I was a little surprised when she told me, but I thought about it, and I think it's good of you to offer. Though you've been broken up for quite a while, she did say she had spent a lot of time at your house when you were together, so she kind of knows what to expect."

Our waitress comes by and drops off Susan's breakfast and refills our coffee. We wait until she leaves to continue our conversation.

"Well, she's right, we were together a lot, at work, and she certainly did spend time at my house outside of work hours. The way I look at it, no matter what happened in the past, we are going to be part of each others lives, so we need to make that work. I want to make it as easy on both of us as possible. I still care about her, despite the circumstances I enjoyed our time together, and if we can a least be friends, then it will help."

"If only all exes were as mature about it as the two of you are being. This is a complicated situation, yet neither of you seems to want to fight about it, you're getting along amazingly well. I have heard and seen some real horror stories, I mean, even Sam had a pretty rough go with her ex, but it is nice to see another side to it."

"Yeah, well trust me, I've seen enough nasty divorces and custody battles in my family, I am _not_ going to subject a child to that crap. Even when my own parents divorced, my mother felt the need to try and put me in the middle of it, if you remember? As an adult I resented how she did that, so I can't even imagine how a child would feel about it, growing up with parents who can't act like adults."

"Ahh right, I do remember, you handled it pretty well, but I know you didn't appreciate it. So how is your mother anyway?"

"Eleanor? I have no idea. I haven't seen her or heard from her since she left after the divorce incident. You know I tried to get hold of her when my grandmother died, and I couldn't even find her. Dad has no idea where she is either, though I suppose he would hear from her if the alimony payments stopped."

"Oh Carter, that's terrible. So she doesn't know...about anything that has happened in your life in the last 4 years ago?"

"Nope, and at this point as far as I am concerned she can stay gone. I'm done with her, my dad was so right when he said she is an emotional vampire. She hasn't been a mother to me since my brother died. We had it out when I last saw her, she knows how I feel, and honestly I don't want her around my son."

"And your dad? You went to New York and saw him a while ago, didn't you?"

"He is about the same, he is kind of happy about the fact I finally have a son, but not so happy about the not married part, I am terribly irresponsible you know. He also asked if I was sure he's mine, and I got the feeling that I better do something about confirming that part. I talked to my lawyer, and he helped me work out some arrangements for Logan and put proper legal documents in place, should something happen to me. With the amount of money and assets my estate would have, it would get ugly, that I know."

"So what did you do?"

"DNA testing, it's on file with my will, so no one can question his right to my assets. I had him added to my trust, once he is old enough he will get an income from it, and outright inherit it if I die. And I added something for Wendall, a support payment just in case, but don't say anything to her, it's something I want to discuss with her personally."

"I won't say a word, I promise. I am not so sure Wendall will be happy to hear about the DNA testing, but I am impressed you have organized so much in such a short time. Wendall is going to be pretty surprised to find out too."

"Well, the DNA testing wasn't for me, I didn't doubt her word on it. It is a precaution for what might happen if my will comes into effect, it is totally possible someone in my family might challenge it in court. It is less likely they will now since they can't argue about whether he is biologically my child. I feel kind of a cat with nine lives, I have had some pretty near misses, and my luck just might run out, not sure what life I am on now. And you know as well as I do, given the type of work we do that anything can happen, we see it every day, so...I guess I want to make sure he is taken care of, because I have the ability to ensure he has everything he needs."

"Well, that is true, he will never want for anything, will he, lucky kid. He has two parents who want to spend time with him, and love him. I knew you would be a great dad."

"Thanks Susan, I am trying."

"So I guess this means you are going to share a bit more with Wendall about finances and that sort of thing?"

"I feel I need to, in any case she could make me provide all my financial information through the court system, if she really wanted to, but I want to try and avoid feeding the lawyers so to speak. They could make it far more expensive than it needs to be and add extra stress for both of us. I know basically what she would be entitled to, and I don't have a problem voluntarily providing support for Logan. It's not like it's a huge secret that I have money and when the Carter Center is done it will be even more obvious, so why even play the game. I'm not going to lie to her either. And I sure I will get lots of questions from her, I could tell she wanted to ask about Kem, but I think we will have time to get into that if we need to."

Susan nods "Well, she outright asked me about Kem, I guess you told her you're not seeing anyone, so I just said I thought you weren't together anymore. I didn't want to say too much, because I think you and Wendall just need to talk."

"Thanks Susan, I know it is something I need to talk to her about, but she has a lot to think about right now, without getting into my messed up life. Like I said, we will have time to talk about everything, she has only been awake a short time, I don't want to overwhelm her."

"Good. We should go back, they will be looking for me soon." Just as she said it, her beeper went off and she laughed. "The ER, what a surprise!" I dropped the money for our bill onto the table and we went back to County.

As soon as we are back, I go upstairs to Wendall's new room, she has been moved from ICU now that she is awake and doing better. She looks up and sees me.

"Hi, you're here early today. I just got back from my first physio, and it was tough, but I guess it is the first step to getting better."

I just nod and take Logan over to see her.

"So how are you feeling otherwise?"

"Good, I talked to my doctor, and she thinks I could go home at the end of this week, if the offer is still open for me to stay with you. She thinks getting out of the hospital will help, I can sleep better."

"Sure, I haven't changed my mind, I can get the guest room ready for you. I think Susan has the key for your place? One of us can get you some clothes and anything else you need from home. If there is anything special you need for my place you can give me a list, and I'll pick it up. Did she have some suggestions for physiotherapists?

"One of the nurses is helping set that up. They have one that can come to your house if it's okay. I am moving around enough that I don't need a home care nurse, if you don't mind helping me up and down the stairs, and small things like that."

"Sure, you can set it up for them to do the therapy at my place, and no problem for helping you out a bit. Let me know if you need any help setting up anything else, I can make a few phone calls. I got pretty good at this stuff when my grandmother was sick a few years back."

We talk for a bit longer, then Wendall is ready to rest, so I leave.

Over the next few days I set up the second guest room, Susan and I go over and get some things for Wendall from her place, soon things are ready and it's time for Wendall to leave the hospital.

**Wendall**

I am happy, I finally get to leave the hospital, and I am going to stay with John at his house. I am nervous too, I was starting to fall in love with him before we broke up, and those feelings are returning. I thought I had gotten over it, but I am finding I haven't really. It is hard to stay mad at him, he has been by to see me every day, bringing our son, and also sneaking in food I like to eat from some of our favorite places.

He always asks if I need anything, and he brought me a laptop and some movies to watch, along with books and other items to keep me busy. Our conversations have been pretty light, and I can he see is much the same person, but there is something different about him too. I think Susan is right, he was not in a good place when we dated about a year ago, and now he is much happier. I remember why I loved spending time with him, he is fun to be around, does little things that I appreciate, without making a big deal about it. I know I am going to have to be careful, I am not sure how he feels about me, and I could easily totally fall for this guy, yet again.

Susan and John show up, quickly chat with my doctor, and then they get me settled into a wheelchair, and John pushes me down the hall. Susan grabs my small overnight bag and we are on our way. I close my eyes and relax in the car home, I am in the front with John, and Susan is in the back, she will take the El home later.

"We're home" John touches my arm and I open my eyes. He parks in front of his house, and comes around to get me out of the car. I injured my leg quite badly in the accident, I still can't walk properly, so he picks me up and carries me into the house, then settles me on the couch. Susan is right behind him. John takes off my shoes and I take off my coat. "Do you want to stay down here for now, or did you want to be in your room?"

"I think I'd like to be down here for a while. I'll let you know when I'm tired. Is Logan up right now, I'd love to see him."

John goes to find Emily, who is taking care of Logan. He brings our son back with him, and also introduces me to Emily, she welcomes me home then discreetly disappears back to her work.

I spend an enjoyable afternoon with our son, Susan stays to visit for a while, then she heads home to Chuck and Cosmo. Emily also says goodnight, and John and I are alone. I am mobile enough now that I have decided to forgo a nurse for now, my physiotherapist will come by daily to see me here at the house, and John says he will take me out whenever I want as the weather has been really nice.

"Are you hungry? Emily made us some dinner, if you would like, I can bring you some."

"That would be nice. It is so good to be out of that hospital. The house looks the same, aside from all the toys around of course. Thank you for letting me come and stay, I really appreciate it."

"You're welcome, it's good to have you here. I'll grab our dinner, and be right back."

He is back quickly, with a great looking pasta dish, some salad and he has brought me some fresh squeezed orange juice and water. Logan is sleeping in the playpen, so the meal is relaxing, and I find I am already enjoying being here. After we eat, John offers to take me upstairs to my room, he can see I am getting tired.

"That sounds good, I wouldn't mind going to bed early tonight."

He scoops me up so easily, I have one arm wrapped tightly around his neck and lean into his firm warm chest.  I feel very secure burrowed up to him like this, all too soon he is placing me down on the guest room bed.

John and Susan did a great job of setting things up for me, I have an ensuite bathroom, and a good selections of clothes and personal items from home.  

John digs out one of the sleep shirts I requested then makes towards the door so I can have a bit of privacy to change.

"Let me know if you need anything, I will be back in a few minutes."

He steps out, and I start to change, my top is no problem but I just cannot get my sweatpants off with my sore leg.  I feel a bit embarrassed, but I know I am going to have to ask him for help.  

"John!"  I call out, trying not to shout too loud.

I hear the light tap on the door, and he opens it a bit to peek in.

"Need something?"  

"Yes...this is stupid, I can't...get my pants over my injured leg."

"Oh, well, I can help you, it's not a big deal Wendall, you should know that."  He moves easily into the room and in moments he has quickly and efficiently gotten my sweatpants off.  "I do this all the time, remember what I do for a living?  You can ask for help with pretty much anything Wendall, it won't be a problem."

"Not to mention you've already seen it right?"  It hits me how silly it is to be modest with him, he has seen me naked, and we have been extremely intimate with each other, though not for about a year.

"Well, yeah, that too."  He gives me a little smile, his eyes are sparkling a bit with that comment.

"On that note, can you help me to the bathroom?"

"Sure."  He lets me lean on him and then gives me privacy though the door is open a crack still.  Once I'm done he settles me into the bed.  "Just call if you need anything, okay?  Don't risk injuring yourself, I sleep lightly."

"I know, I remember."  Another reminder that we have spent nights together, in the same bed.   He nods and leaves me soon after.

The bed is comfortable with soft high quality sheets, set up much like the master bedroom. I fall asleep quickly.


	23. Chapter 23

**Carter**

It has been a busy day, Wendall is at my house now, and I find it is nice to have her here. And she seems happy to be here, though I am not sure if it just being out of the hospital, or that she likes being at my house, maybe a bit of both.

We have dinner and I take her up to her room, and leave her so she can change and get ready for bed.  It is not long before I hear her call my name and I see that she is struggling with her injured leg and getting her pants off.  She seems hesitant to ask, but I remind her, I'm a doctor, I do this all the time.  

She laughs, a bit embarrassed at being so shy to ask, I don't remind her that it's not the first time I've undressed her or that I've seen her in far less clothing.  She realizes she's being silly though, and brings it up herself.  The whole, oh right, we've had sex and you have already seen it comment comes out.  Maybe not in those words, but that is the general gist of what is said.

Yup, that's right Wendall, we have a child, and we both know she didn't get pregnant by immaculate conception, in fact I am pretty sure it was one morning in a very hot and steamy shower.  Or one of the many nights we made love not long before we broke up.  No, probably the shower.  No matter how we look at it, we have seen each other naked more than once. I shake off my musings, this is going to be interesting, but one of the biggest hurdles is past, it seems she will ask and accept help as needed.

I check on her a few minutes later and she has fallen asleep with the light on. I turn off the lights and give her a gentle kiss on the forehead. I get ready and crawl into my own bed so I can get a couple hours sleep before our son gets up for a feeding.

I get a bit of sleep before I hear Logan, he is ready to eat again.

After getting him settled back in his bed, I check on Wendall, she is still fast asleep. I remember being in the hospital after the stabbing, and I know how tough it was to sleep, so I am sure this is one of the first uninterrupted nights she has had for a while. I leave quietly and go back to my own bed, not waking up until about 7 the next morning when I hear Logan stirring.

I shower and dress, then I make some breakfast and coffee. I go up to check on Wendall, and she is just waking up, so I bring her up a tray so she can relax in bed for a while. I noticed that sitting is not all that comfortable for her at the moment and she is far more at ease in bed than even on the couch.

Over the next few days we get into a routine, I bring her some breakfast in bed, she gets up, showered and dressed when she is ready and then calls me to help her downstairs. I am working on some writing, so she alternates with the family room when Logan is awake, working with her physiotherapist and then when our son naps she has taken to lounging on the couch in my office, mostly reading or napping herself. I find I enjoy the company, even though we are mostly working on our own projects.

Once she has been at my house for a full week, her physiotherapist says she can add some short walks outdoors into her routine. In the afternoon we start to go down to the park which is close, it is nice to get out of the house, and Wendall has been cooped up for months. She was very active before the accident, and this is helping her recover, but it also has made it harder for her to be patient. I encourage her to take it easy, I know what trouble trying to do too much too soon caused in my recovery.

This afternoon we are sitting at the park, we have had some play time with Logan, and he is now in his stroller sleeping. We chat a little, and then I tell her a bit about the paper I am currently writing on the AIDS/HIV pilot project in Kinshasa, and she asks me a bit about working in Africa.

"What made you decide to go the first time, to volunteer in the Congo?"

"Do you remember Dr. Kovac? He is a big advocate, and talked me into at least checking out the program. So I ended up getting my visa and shots, everything I needed, but I wasn't really planning to go at that time. I was dating Abby at the time, and she was less than supportive of the idea. Then a lot of things happened at once and I decided maybe I should take a little break away from Chicago, and I got on a plane the next day."

"Things? So what happened that would make you think Africa was a good idea?"

"Boy, you don't let anything get by do you. Well, my grandmother died, things weren't going well with Abby, and I had a trip planned to Rio with my dad that fell through last minute, among other things. Luka was in the Congo and called me at the hospital to see if I could help him iron out a visa issue for one of the volunteers, and I told him I would come and help. I had two weeks off work, and I didn't want to sit around Chicago, or go to Rio by myself, I didn't overthink it, I just went."

"And I bet that was a hit with Abby."

"Yeah….not so much, she was pretty pissed at me, but at that point it was pretty much over anyway, so….I figured she had kind of lost the right to tell me what to do." I look over at her to see how she reacts to that statement, but she simply shrugs.

"So what was it like?"

"Africa is beautiful, it's an amazing place, but it is also heartbreaking, the senseless violence, starving families, children dying from illness we could cure with a few dollars worth of antibiotics. We had very little in supplies, you have to be careful with every resource. Some days felt hopeless, but overall you know you make a difference. One afternoon I did a vaccination run to Matenda, Luka, Gillian and I vaccinated over 200 kids that days, hopefully that will save quite a few of them. We had some scary moments too, when the fighting got close to Matenda, we had to take the patients and hide in the jungle. It was eye opening, no question and it changed my view on a lot of things. When I came back I knew it had altered my life, I just didn't know how much at the time."

"I can imagine, but I don't think I would ever have the courage to go work there. But I don't think I would have told _you_ not to go – I would worry about you, volunteering in such extreme conditions, but you didn't have children to think about then. I might not like it if you went back now, though. So how _did_ you end up going back so soon?"

"I hadn't been back long, when we got the call that Luka was dead. I talked to my contacts in Africa, and I decided to go back and get him, so at least he could have a proper burial. Luka and I hadn't gotten along that well when we worked together, due to various reasons, but in Africa we went through some things, and by the end of the two weeks we were friends. I left him in Matenda, and maybe it was irrational, but I decided to go get him. And lucky I did, actually, because as you know, he is still alive. I spent about 3 weeks in total before I found him, trying to get through the red tape at first, then traveling to find him. I met Debbie, she was Red Cross and could travel in areas no one else could, so Gillian and I joined her and she finally got us back to Matenda. We went to another village where he was last seen, and got some information that led us to him in yet another village not too far away, he was pretty sick with Malaria but we got him out and on a medical transport back to the States. I decided to stay for a while, they were short a doctor now, and it ended up being months before I came home, I had met Kem, was enjoying my work at the clinic and meeting some really interesting people. Life in Africa is much simpler than here, and at that time it was appealing, getting away from it all. Meanwhile, I kept getting packages from the law office here, so I needed to come back to settle my grandmothers estate, so after about 10 months I finally came home to take care of it."

"That is a long time to check out of your life here, I am not sure it is something I could do, and I am not sure I understand."

"I didn't have any family left here, I was doing something I loved, and I had met someone I wanted to be with, and her work was there, it wasn't hard to just…enjoy it for a while. There was a time when I wish that I didn't have the estate to worry about, maybe things would have been different, I might still be there. But things happen for a reason, and now we have our son, so I guess it was meant for me to come home."

"I don't know everything that was going on, between you and Abby, with your family, and I don't really need to know. And we never know what is going to happen, sometimes things have unintended consequences, but I am glad you came home, that we got to meet."

"Me too Wendall, it has been a tough and bumpy ride, but like I said, I guess it was meant to be." I reach over and take her hand, she links our fingers and we sit there comfortably for a while. We finally head back to the house, have dinner and eventually head off to bed.

That night when Logan wakes up, I go into his room, change him and get ready to head downstairs for a bottle, when I hear Wendall calling me. I take Logan with me into her room.

"You're awake, sorry, I tried to be quiet."

"It's okay, you know I have really missed a lot while I was in the hospital. Do you mind if I give him his bottle tonight?"

"Not at all." I settle Logan on the bed with Wendall, and go down to get the bottle, then run back upstairs.

"Here, all ready for you." I go over and hand the bottle to Wendall and turn to leave, but she grabs my hand.

"Can you stay? Keep us company." She pats the bed beside her "Make yourself comfortable while I feed him."

I lay down beside her and Logan, fluffing up a pillow. I watch her out of the corner of my eye, I can tell how happy she is right now, being with her son again. I have to admit I have gotten pretty used to having him with me, and it is going to be hard when I have to start sharing my time. She smiles over at me.

"Is he always this good? He always seems so happy, I can't believe how lucky we got."

"Pretty much, though you just jinxed his teenage years, you know that right? He is good now, but I bet he is going to be big trouble later."

"I hope you're wrong about that. What kind of kid were you – big trouble I bet."

"No, I was pretty good actually. My parents weren't around much, they traveled quite a bit, I was in private school and stayed with my grandparents a lot. My grandfather was pretty strict, if you disappointed him, watch out. My cousin Chase was a bit of a troublemaker though, he was home more with his parents so no worries about grandfather. How about you?"

"I guess I was pretty good too, my parents were great, well, you met them. No private school for me though, I went to public school. I still can't believe you flew down to Arizona to see them, they were so impressed by that, and they loved you. I hadn't even gotten down there to let them meet Logan."

"Susan helped me get their contact information, and I knew they were upset about you being in the hospital, and not being able to come see you. So I thought a visit so they could see their grandson was a good idea, and I was able to reassure them you were in good hands at County. I enjoyed meeting them, and your little brother too. You have a great family."

"So when do I get to meet your parents?"

"Well, you'll be lucky if you ever meet my mother. I haven't even heard from her in the past 4 years, but we can go see my dad in New York once you are ready to travel. I am sure he would like to meet you, he has seen Logan though, I took him just after I went to see your parents. We can get you to Arizona when you are feeling better too."

"I would love to see my parents, maybe you will want to come with me. I haven't been to New York for a while. Funny how we never talked about our families too much, I didn't know you weren't close to your mother, but I remember you talking about your grandmother. Sounds like she was a great lady."

"She was, I miss her a lot, actually, aside from my cousin Chase, she was the family member I was closest to. Chase died a few months ago as well, he was only a couple years older than me."

"How did he die?"

"A few years ago, he came into the ER, he had overdosed on Heroin, and I was there that day. We managed to revive him, but considerable damage was done, and he was never the same. He was not very well after that, he had damaged several organs, and his heart just finally gave out."

"Oh, John, that must have been difficult. I'm sorry."

"It was hard to hear about Chase, I was so far away in Africa, by the time I found out, it was too late to come for his funeral. He was so talented, I have a couple of his pictures hanging downstairs. As far as not talking about family, mine is not that close, my brother died from AML when I was 10, my half-sister is in Europe and I never see her, she is quite a bit older than I am, so she had already left home by the time my brother died. My parents are rarely in Chicago, and both of my grandparents on my dad's side are gone. I don't want it to be like that for our son, I want to make sure I am part of his life."

Wendall reaches over and rubs my arm.

"I'm glad you came back, and can be a part of his life too. It was hard when I went to County and Susan told me you had gone overseas. I'm sorry for not telling you right away."

"Why did you wait?" I say this softly, I don't want her to think I am angry, but I do really want to know.

"Well, I had a few reasons, in hindsight they probably weren't very good ones. First of all, I was a bit scared to tell you, we had just broken up and I didn't know what you would say. I wondered if you would want to have the baby, I knew I wanted to, but what if you didn't. Then I had to think about what you had gone through, so I thought maybe I should wait until after the first trimester, just in case something happened, I didn't want to put you through it if I lost the baby. In the end, I waited too long, and you were gone, and then I didn't want to mess things up for you, since you had gotten back together with Kem and I wasn't sure how she would deal with it."

"It would have been difficult for her, but only because she still has not been able to get over losing our baby. Kem and I weren't together when you and I dated, she was seeing other people too, so she couldn't be mad. In fact, it _was_ hard for her, she knows about Logan now, we still talk, but…as a couple, there were things we couldn't overcome. That is one of the reasons I went to Darfur, Kem and I were no longer together, so I thought it best if I left Kinshasa. She was spending a lot of time in Paris, as her mom is sick, but once she came back to Africa, and my friend Debbie asked me to go to Darfur, I decided it was a good stop over before moving back to Chicago."

Wendall looks really surprised.

"You told Kem about Logan?"

"Yes, I'm not going to lie to her, or hide the fact I have a son now. We are still friends, she isn't angry about it, it's just difficult for her, I'm sure if it were the other way around it would be hard for me too. Though I think I maybe have been able to deal with it better than she did, I haven't forgotten, I've just accepted it. She is a really great person, I will always care about her, we just couldn't make it work so we decided we are better moving on and we are both ready to do that."

"And you haven't been seeing anyone since then?"

"No, I thought a little time without being in a relationship would be a good thing, I made the mistake of trying to move on before when I wasn't ready, and I hurt someone in the process. I felt bad about hurting that person, I still feel bad about it." Wendall meets my gaze and she nods slightly, she knows I never wanted to hurt her. I continue. "To be honest, a little hard to start up a relationship in an IDP camp in Darfur, and since I have been home I haven't been really looking, kind of busy with a baby. How about you?"

"Pretty hard to start up a relationship when you are pregnant, for some reason guys just didn't seem too interested, maybe they just assume you are with someone already. If they realize you aren't with someone, being pregnant and single just screams too complicated. And then I didn't have the time with a newborn."

"I guess that is a good point, sorry, for making your life complicated."

Wendall starts to laugh.

"Well, I guess I can't let you take all the blame, it's not like I wasn't a willing participant when it happened. I chose to have Logan, and keep him. I guess there were other choices I could have made, but I am glad I made the choice to have him."

"I am too, actually. Though I guess if you had chosen not to have him at all, I would never have known, but I don't like to think about it too much. As far as giving him up, that wouldn't have been an easy decision, I know you would have needed me to agree to that, I don't know if I could have done it."

Wendall looks at me curiously.

"You sound like you have some experience with adoption."

"A good friend of mine gave up a son for adoption, and she still struggles with whether she did the right thing. It was hard to watch her go through it, I was there, I actually acted as her labour coach, and I stayed with her pretty much that whole day. I saw what she went through, giving birth, and then giving away the baby, and I know how she feels about it now, I don't think I could do it with my own child, knowing how it affected her."

Wendall is quiet for a minute.

"Wow, I didn't know that, it was good you could be there for her. In my line of work I have dealt with it for clients, but I haven't had anyone I know well go through it." She hesitates slightly.  "John, I didn't even consider not having him, I was scared sure, knowing I was probably going to be doing it alone, but I wanted a baby. I wouldn't have considered adoption either, I knew I could do it by myself, I just didn't count on the accident."

"I know you could have, Wendall, I don't doubt it. But you don't _have_ to do it by yourself, we may not be together, but you're still not alone in this. One thing I know, is how quickly life can change. I have had those moments myself, I have had some close calls, almost died more than once. You and I have both seen what happens in the ER too. Some patients I will never get out of my mind."

"You have almost died more than once?" Wendall is staring at me.

"Yes, but I am not sure you want to hear about it."

"No way, John, now you have to tell me. I definitely want to hear about it."

"Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you. You're sure you want to hear about it now? You must be tired."

"Good try, but now is good. How about putting this little guy in bed first, he is asleep again."

I get up and gently take Logan back to his bed.

"I'm going down to get something to drink, want anything?" I ask her.

"I'd love some juice, if you have some."

I get myself a soda and some juice for Wendall and come back. She is propped up with some pillows on her bed, and I do the same. I look over her, and she is watching me.

"Come on John, you have to tell me."

"Okay, okay. So last close call was coming home from Darfur…..our helicopter was shot down outside of Khartoum. The pilot and Debbie's husband didn't make it, Debbie and I were in the back, and by some miracle we survived with fairly minor injuries. We ended up walking into Khartoum, it took us hours, but we didn't run into the Janjaweed, so we got lucky, really lucky."

"You survived a helicopter crash in Darfur? Please tell me you are never going back, John, that is scary."

"Yeah, it was, and no I'm not going back to Darfur. Another close call was when we were evacuating the clinic at Matenda in the Congo, on my first trip to Africa, and the Mai Mai came into our camp. I swear some of the Mai Mai are like 12 years old, waving around guns. They had us all down on our knees, yelling in French, I had no idea what they were saying. I had one of them standing over me, he said something and next thing I know they have a gun up against my forehead. But it turned out that I had tried to save the brother of one of the Mai Mai soldiers, so fortunately they decided not to shoot all of us that day."

"Okay, I see why Susan was worried about you being over there. I definitely don't want you to go back."

"I promise I'm not going Wendall, I won't take that risk now. But the last one is a little closer to home, it happened here in Chicago." I turn so I am facing her. "And it is not an easy story to tell."

I have not been looking forward to this conversation, but I want to be open with Wendall. I know I wasn't able to do that when we were dating.

"About six years ago I was stabbed twice in the back by a schizophrenic patient who experienced a psychotic break while in the ER. He stabbed my med student Lucy four times, she got through surgery but died from complications in recovery. I was luckier, I made it through but I did have some severe injuries and I pretty much lost the function of one kidney. He missed my spinal cord by a hair, I was really lucky."

"This happened in the ER?"  Wendall looks a bit shocked at this revelation.

I take a deep breath and nod.

"It was Valentine's Day and the board was pretty clear, so everyone was having a party, they had the music up quite loud. I noticed that Lucy hadn't cleared her patients, and I was supervising her that day, so I went to see what the problem was, walked in to the room, totally unaware the patient had managed to steal a knife from the break room. I remember pain, touching my back and seeing blood, then hitting the floor and there was Lucy, lying there in a pool of blood, then I guess I passed out. No one heard a thing. Kerry came in to the room at some point and saw us, I really don't know how long I was on that floor, or how long Lucy was there before I came into the room."

Wendall slides closer to me and I put my arm around her shoulders. She is looking at me with concern.

"I can see why you have never talked about it before, I'm sorry, I didn't know."

"It's okay, I have dealt with it, I know now there was nothing I could have done to prevent what happened, but it sure messed up my life for a while. But now you know about the scars."

"I did wonder why you never talked about it and now I understand. I can't believe that happened to you, and your med student." Wendall leans against my chest, turning slightly so she can put her arms around me. "But I feel like there is more you're not telling me" She says this really softly. "Please tell me, what you're not saying"

I look down at her, I am not sure I want to tell her, but she is going to be part of my life now for a long time, we have a child to raise together.  I know it is something I should tell her. I hesitate slightly, and Wendall can see I am struggling with something.

"What is it? It can't be that bad, what happened?"

"Well, it kind of is…it's something that I do need and want to tell you, but it is not something that is easy to tell people, even though I have dealt with it."

"I'm a good listener, remember I have heard a lot of things, so….just tell me." She takes my hand, linking our fingers.

I breathe deeply and look down at our joined hands, focusing solely there.  I always hate telling people this part, I know it changes how they look at me.  Instead of just a doctor, I am suddenly an addict, and even though it has been years, and it was a very short period of time, I have paid for my mistake.  I may have to keep paying for the rest of my life.

"So after being stabbed, I was in quite a lot of pain, I wasn't sleeping well, I was having flashbacks, nightmares, and at that point I blamed myself quite a bit for Lucy's death. Not that excuses things, but I didn't get the help I needed for various reasons, and…I started over medicating, you know a couple extra pills here and there. Then it became more frequent, I was starting to use more pain medication, and not just what I was prescribed. I work in an ER, so it was actually surprisingly easy to get my hands on stuff, morphine, fentanyl, Vicodin, Demerol, all the heavy duty narcotics." I keep looking down, I just cannot look at her, but I feel her squeezing my hand. "And eventually it started to show, and I got caught. I had some fentanyl left from a trauma, and my back was hurting that day, so I was injecting it, and someone walked in. I was given an ultimatum, go to a program in Atlanta, or lose my job. I walked out, said I quit, but Peter Benton, who I worked with since I was first at County came after me. He knew how to get to me, and he broke down the wall I had put up. He got on the plane with me and took me to Atlanta. By then I realized that I needed to get help, so I did the program, and 90 days later I was back in Chicago. They let me come back to work a couple weeks later, and I spent the next year working my ass off to regain what I lost, and I promised myself that I would never go down that road again."

Wendall is quiet, but she hasn't moved away and she still has her arms around me. Finally she speaks.

"And you have been able to get through everything that happened in the last couple years?  You can still work in the ER with all that stuff around, and it doesn't get to you? "

I manage to look at her, and I know I worried more about telling her than I needed to be, she is being quite calm, non judgemental.

"I haven't used anything since I got back from Atlanta, its coming close to 6 years now. Well unless you consider getting drunk once or twice, but those were isolated incidents, and one was just after losing my son. But, yes, I can work in the ER and handle narcotics, I have a lot of reasons not to go back down that road. I always wanted to be a doctor, and I almost walked away from it, lost everything I worked for and I won't make that mistake again. I'm not the same person I was back then, I can asked for help when I need it, I learned from it. Another reason I won't ever use again is in the next room – I want to be there for my son."

"It sounds like you have worked hard to recover, you obviously have a lot of strength, those are some pretty big things to get through, a violent attack in your workplace, loss of a friend due to that attack, and then loss of a child. Working in the ER is a stressful job, you have had other losses of people close to you as well." I feel her arms tighten around me. "I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me, I know that was not easy."

"I haven't had to tell anyone for a while, most of the people in my life already know what happened. I never know how someone is going to react, so it is hard to talk about it. I guess now you know my biggest secret."

"I _am_ glad you told me, John. I am guessing that Susan knows about this too?"

"She does, yes. She wasn't there when it happened, but I did tell her not long after she came back from Phoenix. Deb, I mean Jing Mei, Abby, Kerry, and most of the nurses who have been in the ER for a while know as well, though it is kind of old news now, so nothing much is said, and the new med students and Residents don't need to know. I wasn't really planning on getting into such heavy stuff tonight, sorry."

"No, don't be. Remember when I said I wished I could figure out what was going on in your head? Well, I feel like I understand a little better where you were at back then, and I get that we were dating a fairly short time, so you didn't feel you could share some of this stuff, and it takes courage to overcome addiction. Can I ask you, why do you feel you can now? Share with me, though I'm not complaining, but what has changed?"

"A lot actually. Part of it is time, I have just had more time to deal with things. Closure, on my relationship with Kem, as much as I wanted to move on, I realized I wasn't really ready, things are different now. Now we have a child together, we are going to be part of each others life for a long time, we need to be able to communicate, tell each other things, and I wanted to tell you myself, not have you find out some other way. If we had been together a bit longer, I might have been able to tell you more, but we were only together for three months, these are not things I would tell someone that soon in a relationship. Some people understand, and others don't, and they look at you differently forever.  I guess I didn't realize at the time that I had closed myself off as much as I had, no question I had things that I wasn't dealing with as well as I should have, it was just a tough year."

"I am happy you can finally open up to me, and that you feel the same as me, we need to work together to raise our son, that we can make things work."

We sit in comfortable silence for a while, not moving, and I enjoy the closeness to Wendall. I feel like it is all going to be okay.


	24. Chapter 24

**Wendall**

I wake up, and realize John and I have fallen asleep, he has his arms around me, and my head is resting comfortably on his chest. It has been a while since he's held me like this, and I am enjoying it, I miss being this close to him. I can hear him breathing softly, it is still pretty early, so I just relax and think about the last couple weeks living at his house and our talk last night.

It has been great being here, John has a way of making me feel totally at ease. He doesn't seem to mind me hanging out in his office when he is writing, it feels natural and comfortable spending time there. I try not to bother him, and keep busy with reading, and sometimes I fall asleep and I wake up to find he has covered me with the soft blanket that is on the back of the couch. He has suggested a couple times that maybe when he has a bit more done on his paper, he will get me to read it, and critique it for him. I am interested to see his work.

I think about his revelations from last night, I was very surprised at how much he told me, but I am really happy he is opening up and talking. I feel like I know more about him in one night than I did after three months of dating him. I understand why he did not tell me all of this before, I am not sure I would share most of this to someone I just started dating either. And he has shared a lot, I have some insight into who he is and why, and I hope I can keep him talking. I think there is a lot more that I need to find out about him. I find myself thinking about his admission to the drug addiction, and I can understand why it might have happened, and he seems to have overcome it.

I drift off to sleep for a bit longer, until I feel John stirring and I know he is awake. I tip up my chin to look at him, and I meet his deep brown eyes, he smiles.

"Morning, wow, we both must have been tired." He looks towards the clock. "I slept longer than I should have, too." He looks back at me.

I smile back, and on impulse I reach up and kiss him, which takes him by surprise at first, but after a second he responds and is kissing me back. I suddenly realize what I am doing, and pull back.

"Sorry" I whisper.

John shakes his head slightly. "Don't be, it's okay."

I get up and limp towards the bathroom, I don't know what to say to him.

"Wendall, don't…"

I shut the door cutting him off and lean on the counter top. Why did I do that, things are going well, and I have to complicate things by kissing him. I sigh, and decide I should probably shower, it will give me some time to think, though I know I am just avoiding the inevitable. But when I finally come out, John has left my room. I can hear him in the kitchen, I smell coffee, so I make my way slowly down the stairs and into the kitchen, sitting on a stool at the island. I can see John has showered, and in a suit, I remember he has a meeting this morning. Logan is in his chair, babbling happily, he is already changed and fed.

John regards me with his warm brown eyes, and I can see he wants to say something.

"Coffee?"  He says this quietly, still looking like he wants to say more, but he doesn't.

I nod, I can't quite meet his eyes.

"I'm making omelettes if you want one."

"That would be good, thanks. About earlier." I start, then stop. I am not sure what to say.

John glances over at me from where he is working at the stove. I have no idea what he is thinking, but he must see how uncomfortable I am at the moment.

"It's okay Wendall, really, we can talk about it later, this is not the best time.  I'm running a bit late."

I know he is in a bit of a rush this morning and I am happy for the reprieve.

"So you have a meeting this morning?"

"I have a board meeting, so I will be out for at least a couple hours, and I have to go soon. Susan was planning on dropping by this morning, so if you need anything, she will be here."

"Right, she called me yesterday. I haven't seen her all week, so it will be good for us to catch up."

We eat in silence, I can feel him look at me occasionally, but he doesn't say anything further. John cleans up the kitchen quickly and finishes his coffee. He runs upstairs to get ready, and comes down working on his tie. I love it when he dresses up, I wish he would wear suits more often.

I go upstairs and brush my teeth and I hear the doorbell. John answers the door as I am coming down the stairs. I am still moving slowly, but I feel much better.

"Susan, wow, Cosmo has grown so much!" John gives Susan a hug and takes Cosmo from her so she can take her coat off.

"Thanks John. Wendall, you are looking so good."

"Thanks Susan, I feel much better, I am sleeping really well."

"Sorry, I have to run or I am going to be late, you two have fun. The extra house key is on the island if you decide to go out." He hands Cosmo back to Susan.

"No problem, take as long as you need, I am off today and I am looking forward to catching up with Wendall." Susan waves, and John grabs his keys and leaves.

Susan picks up Logan, cuddling and bouncing him.

"Wow, he is getting pretty big too. He is always so happy! So how are things going with you and John?"

"Really well, actually. It is weird how at home I feel here, and he spoils me. He was like that when we were dating too, always doing some little thing that was unexpected, he never let me pay for anything."

"That is just how he is, he is very generous. I remember one time, I was having trouble with my car, and he got it all fixed for me. And he never let me pay him back, I never actually knew how much it cost to fix, he just said it was nothing."

"I don't know how I would have managed at home, and I feel comfortable asking him for help if I need it.  It was a it awkward the first time, but he didn't make a deal out it."

"Well, he is a doctor, in the ER we see everything, so he would probably be okay with anything you ask him to help with.  Not to mention the fact that you did have a relationship with the guy."

"Which means he's already seen me naked right?  You'd think the fact we dated would make it less easy, but it doesn't seem to matter."

"Well, I would assume you've seen each other naked, you did get pregnant after all and you were dating for three months.  Not to mention the fact that he's an ER doctor, he's seen more than his share of naked bodies, and I would just bet you don't have anything he hasn't seen before."

"Ha ha Susan."  I have to give her that though, I know it's been a year but not much has changed for either of us in the body department.  In fact he looks like he's in even better shape than he was back then, I caught a look at him shirtless a few days ago and I must say I approved.

I can see Susan smirking at me slightly, so I pull my thoughts back to the conversation at hand, rather than replaying my glimpse of John shirtless.

"You know, I was just thinking about how good he looks in a suit, I'd love to see him in a tux, he has at least four of them in his closet, but he never wears them. Who has that many tuxedos, and where does he wear them. And some of the suits he has, he has some really nice stuff in his closet, but I haven't seen him wear much of it."

Susan laughs.

"I'm sure he does have some nice stuff, and I have seen him wear some of it, and it does look good on him. When his grandmother was alive, he did go to a few functions that required formal dress, and I saw him wear a tux more than once, but I don't think he has been to anything recently that requires him to be that formal. I am sure he got used to more casual wear in Africa. I can't see them wearing anything too nice in the middle of nowhere. So where was he off to today?"

"A board meeting, he said, I am not sure what that is about, I need to find out, it sound like he has positions on two different board of directors."

"Well, his family Foundation, he is the President of that, and also I think he is on the board for the new Health Center being built at County. You should get him to show you the plans for the Center, if you haven't seen them yet."

"I haven't seen them. I didn't know his family had a Foundation, you seem to know more about this than I do."

"Well, I have known him a lot longer than you have. Ask him, I'm sure he'll tell you, surprised he hasn't already."

"He hasn't but we have been talking about a lot of other things. I am finding out some pretty interesting things about him. He told me about Africa, the trip out of Darfur, and…the ER incident with the patient. He is pretty lucky to be alive."

"So you two are talking, that is good. He told you about what happened with the schizophrenic patient? I am glad I wasn't here, to be honest, it was pretty bad. Good thing Kerry found them when she did, they don't know for sure how long they were there, but even a few more minutes...well, I don't even like to think about it. I don't know how he ever managed to walk back into the ER, I'm not sure I would have been able to go work there again."

"I know, but maybe he shouldn't have, or at least taken longer to go back to work. Susan, he told me a lot more, what happened after the stabbing, the drug addiction, and Atlanta. I was totally surprised, I would never have guessed, he doesn't seem the type, but what he went through...I can't even imagine. Though I guess I would consider it a PTSD reaction, not getting the help he needed for whatever reason. I asked if you knew and he said you have known for quite a while, as do some of the other people in the ER, but he said not everyone knows, especially the new staff. I think it was hard for him to tell me, but I am glad he did."

"I am sure it was, I remember when he told me, it was definitely difficult for him, but he said that those closest to him need to know. He was having some trouble with his back at the time, and I kept after him to take some pain medication for it, and it led into why he won't take anything - and why he was having the problems with his back to start with. Anyway, now that you have a son together, I am sure he will share a lot more with you." She looks over at me. "I am thinking you two must be having some pretty intense conversations."

"I guess we are, I love this new John Carter I am getting to know. He is the same guy, but not, if you know what I mean."

"Hmmmm, love, must really be going well." Susan is smirking at me.

"Okay, don't take that the wrong way. But I remember why I liked being with him, it is just nice to have the extra communication. I could never quite figure out what was going on in his head back then, now he seems to be much more open. Honestly, Susan, I think I need to be careful, I can't stay too long in this house or I am not going to want to leave."

Susan looks at me carefully.

"What do you mean by that….is there something more going on here? Have you two been…"  I am getting quite the look from Susan, and I know exactly what she is getting at.

"Sleeping together?  Having sex?  No…but…maybe I shouldn't tell you this, you are his friend too."

"Oh no, you are not getting away with that, if you don't tell me, I'll ask _him_. And I'm not sure you want me to do that."

"Blackmail, great…I wonder if he _would_ tell you…"

Susan is laughing at me "Oh, he might, he actually tells me quite a lot, so I think you better just spill it."

I think about it for a moment and then shrug, I have known her long enough, and John just might tell her anyway, they seem pretty close.

"I kissed him this morning and he definitely kissed me back. I am having all these feelings, I am really attracted to him, I could so easily fall for him, I told you how I was starting to feel about him when we were dating."

"You kissed him? So what did he say about it?"

"Well, I realized what I was doing, and pulled away and said sorry, and he just said that it's okay. Then I got up and left the room. It just kind of happened, I didn't plan it, and I didn't know what to say, so I avoided it. When I finally came downstairs he was getting ready to leave for his meeting, and he told me we could talk about it later...so I don't know what he is thinking about it or how he feels."

"Well I am sure he will bring it up with you later, if he doesn't then you should bring it up with him.  If you have feelings for him, and you are both unattached at the moment, why don't you just see where it goes. At worst you would have a little fun, and maybe he has feelings for you too. You already know if you would enjoy a little fun with him…so would you enjoy it?"

"Susan, I can't believe you just asked me that." I can't help but laugh, but I feel like she can read the answer on my face. I definitely would enjoy it, no question about it.

Susan is laughing now at the expression on my face, and the fact that I cannot stop myself from laughing even harder.

"So? Would it be so bad to give it try? He must have some feelings for you, he cares enough to take care of you while you recover. And by your reaction, I'm guessing the physical part of the relationship was pretty good last time?"

"Well, it was better than pretty good, that was never a problem. If he tells you so much, don't you already know the answer, does he have feelings for me?"

"Oh no way, I'm not getting involved between the two of you. You need to figure out that for yourself, if you want to know about his feelings, you are going to have to ask him yourself."  She is shaking her head vehemently, and I know she is not going to share the with me.

"I don't know Susan, it just seems complicated. We already have so many things to work out."

"Yes, and isn't this one of them? How you feel about each other? He's single, you're single, you're living in his house, he obviously cares about you, and he kissed you back. I think you need to take a chance, give both of you a second chance and see where it goes. If you don't, you might regret it. You started something, but you have to be clear what you want – he knows he messed up last time, so he might not want to make the first move, but then, looks like maybe you already have. You need to tell him if you want to try again, and if he doesn't want it to go any further, he will tell you, if he does want it to go further, then you will know that pretty quickly too."

"You make it sound so easy, just talk to him, no problem."

"He will appreciate it, nothing drives him crazy faster than someone who won't talk about things in a relationship. I am going to let you in on something, maybe I shouldn't but…that is why he and Abby didn't last, she couldn't open up about much of anything, she wouldn't talk to him. The last couple months they were having some serious issues, and she shut down, it was all downhill from there. He cared a lot about her, and was really good to her too, better than she deserved in my opinion. I don't think she really appreciated what she had until she lost him."

"From what I heard, she was pissed off about him going to Africa."

"Well, that is true."  Susan sighed.  "It was complicated, I think they were having issues, her family, her inability to open up and...she has a drinking problem which doesn't help either.  Then when his grandmother died, she wasn't there for him, she was too busy with her family and their problems to notice her boyfriend needed her to be there.  Things changed in his life overnight when his grandmother died, things were kind of falling apart, it was just a couple weeks away and she freaked out about it.  He was supposed to go to Rio with his dad, but that fell through, so he went to Africa instead.  She over reacted, I have wondered if he had gone to Rio if she would still have lost it on him."

"You think she caused the break up?"

"Honestly?  Yes I do.  I think he gave up on her, he came back and she wouldn't even talk to him, his patience and understanding ran out and I don't blame him.  She took a lot from him and when it was time for her to give back, she didn't or couldn't.  She was drinking again, and refused to let him help her, and she was more worried about her mom and brother than him.  A relationship should be give and take on both sides, he was doing all the giving and she was doing all the taking, you can't blame the guy for walking away.  Which is what he did after the second trip, she was not at all understanding when he came back the first time, so the second time, he just didn't bother coming back."

This is some new information for me, I frown slightly.

"The best advice I can give you, is make sure you talk to him, if you have an issue, get it out there, otherwise you will have a big problem, or worse, regrets. If you think there is a future for the two of you as a couple, then find out if he feels the same, and see if you can make it work."

"A little ironic in some ways, he was the one not fully communicating when we were together."

"Well, I guess it is, but remember what he had just gone through, and how long you were dating for, Wendall. He knew Abby for a couple years _before_ they actually dated, and then they were together for probably a year. It was a totally different situation, after dating a year, she couldn't talk to him about what was going on in their relationship, or let him know what she was feeling or thinking? After 3 months is pretty different than after knowing someone for over 3 years, don't you think?"

I take in what she just said and I know she is right, it is different, but I get why he wouldn't want to get to that point with someone again. I have to talk to him, and if I don't find out what he is feeling I really might regret it.

"Thanks Susan, you know him pretty well, so I am going to take your advice and talk to him."

"Good. So…what do you say we take these boys to the park and then go get some lunch."

"Sounds good, let me grab the house key and we will go."

Susan and I enjoy the rest of our afternoon, John is not back yet when we return, so I decide to have a bit of a rest after I put Logan down for his nap.


	25. Chapter 25

**Carter**

I slowly wake up and realize that Wendall and I had fallen asleep after our long conversation last night, and she is sleeping with her head on my chest. I relax and enjoy having her close, then I open my eyes and she is looking up at me. I can't help but smile, and I say good morning. I can feel a slight tension in the air between us, and then, she kisses me. I hesitate just for a moment, then kiss her back, but she breaks it off quickly and disappears into the bathroom. I call out to her as she goes, I want to talk to her, let her know that she doesn't need to be concerned, but the door clicks shut. I am left wondering what she is thinking, but a look at the clock tells me I don't have time to find out this morning as I have a board meeting.

I shower, dress, get Logan ready and go into the kitchen to start breakfast. Wendall finally comes down, showered and dressed, I want to say something, but I'm not sure what to say. I offer her coffee and she goes to say hi to our son. It's little awkward between us, she apologizes, and tell her it's okay but can we talk about it later. I don't want to start a conversation that we can't finish, it needs to wait until I can give this my full attention.

Shortly after, Susan arrives and I need to leave or be late for my meeting. During the drive I think about the conversation I had with Wendall last night, which went pretty well considering all that I had to tell her. I was worried, telling people about my addiction is always hard, and it was especially difficult to tell Wendall. I don't ever want her to worry about how I am with our son, or think I would ever put him at any risk, but I also don't want to hide things from her.

I arrive at the meeting and we go through the agenda, look at the updates on the Carter Center, and discuss a few other projects that have applied for funds. We decide to look at a couple of the Children's Charities, one is an after school program for low income families, which is the one I vote to support, it will be a one time donation, much easier than a major project like the Carter Center. One of the board members wants to set up a fundraiser, and they ask me to present a cheque for our donation. Though the benefits and fundraisers were never my favourite part, being president is going to come with some fundraising, and I've accepted this is now part of my life. I agree to attend, asking them to clear the date with me first, and hope that maybe, Wendall will agree to go with me.

In the end, my grandparents are getting what they wanted, me being fully involved in the Foundation, but I find I no longer resent this, and I am going to do the best I can to make sure the funds we have are being put to their best use. My grandmother was one of the most important people in my life, a mother to me when mine couldn't be bothered to even show up. This is what she wanted me to do, she made it clear on more than one occasion, and by refocusing the Foundations direction, I know I can make a difference in a lot of lives. And I find I am happy doing it, something I never expected.

In thinking about Wendall, I realize there are some things she probably still doesn't fully understand. I have kept my life pretty low key, especially at County, I am sure she doesn't know that I come from one of the wealthiest families in Chicago. I need to find a way to share this with her, without making it a big deal, but it does intimidate people, no question.

Then I start thinking about this morning again, and have to pull my attention back to the meeting. We finish up the final points on the agenda, and everyone packs up to leave.

I stop by the see Kerry in her office at County on my way home, she has a fresh set of plans for me to look at, some minor changes we have agreed to make. We have been holding the funds in trust, so we are advancing the money as needed, the last installment has just been sent to the Foundation's lawyers.

"Hi Kerry, just stopped by to pick up a copy of the plans. I'm going by the site later today, I want to see the progress."

"John, glad you stopped by, did the lawyer get the funds?"

"I signed off the cheque yesterday and had it couriered to the law office, they should be advancing in the next day or so, they can get all the contractors invoices paid."

"Excellent. So, any word on when you might want to come back to work? You have been home over 3 months, not anxious to get back to it?"

"Probably in a month or so, as you know babies take up a lot of time, and Wendall is still recovering, I kind of like being there too, Logan is changing so fast. I am also writing a couple articles, so I want to be pretty much done with those before I commit to the ER. I kind of miss being a doctor, and I need to keep my skills up, so I expect soon I will be ready to at least pick up some shifts."

"I was happy to hear Wendall is doing well.  I am sure you have your hands full, I know what you mean about them changing fast. Logan is what about 5 months old?"

"Almost 6 months now, so still up a couple times a night, but he is pretty good overall. How's Henry doing?"

"He's great." She turns a picture on her desk, Henry is a cute kid. I pull out the most recent picture I have of Logan to show her, and we chat for a bit longer, then I go down to the ER to say hi. Deb and Luka are both working, I stay for a few minutes, but a couple of traumas come in, so I wave and decide I should get home. Susan is probably ready to get back to Chuck and Cosmo.

I get home and it is pretty quiet, I check and both Wendall and Logan are sleeping. Wendall is recovering well, but her body is still healing so she often has a nap in the afternoon. She looks peaceful and beautiful, with her hair fanned out on her pillow. I quietly make my way back downstairs and into my office, loosening my tie as I go. I pull the revised plans out of the tube and spread them on my desk, and see there is an updated budget included. I get involved in reviewing the details, so I don't hear Wendall come downstairs, but feel her eyes on me as she comes into my office.

"When did you get back? I didn't hear you come in."

I glance at my watch "Probably about an hour ago. Did you and Susan have a good visit?"

"We did, it was good to catch up, I haven't seen her much lately. Maybe we should have her and Chuck over for dinner one night."

"We could do that, I haven't seen Chuck for quite a while. Maybe check the calendar, I just have to add a couple things, then we can set up an evening. We could even look at getting a babysitter here, and maybe go out, I feel like we have been home a lot."

Wendall comes over and looks at the plans "This looks like a big project." I can see her eyes hit the budget sitting on my desk, and they widen a bit, then she looks at me. "Is this the new health center?"

"Yes, I can show you the plans if you're interested."

"I'd like to see them. So, how did you get involved in this project?"

"Well, it was my idea, I got Kerry Weaver and Donald Aunspaugh involved and it went from there. I found out that County had a large unused portion of land, so I suggested we put it to good use." We take a few minutes and I show her the plans in a bit more detail, explain what is going to be incorporated into the center.

Wendall is looking at me curiously.

"Okay, now you have to tell me how you talked Kerry Weaver into a project like this. You really are a persuasive guy."

"Well, it's not so difficult when you offer funding to build it…Kerry was pretty excited about the project when I told her I would get personally involved.  She knew if I put my name behind it, we would get sponsors."

Wendall lifts her eyebrows at me, I can tell she is still wondering what I am talking about, so I continue.

"I am not sure if you know about The Carter Family Foundation, which my grandmother left me in charge of when she died – mandated I become the president. So I decided to direct some money to health care, and offered the funding through the Foundation."

"So how much is your Foundation providing? I mean, from what you are telling me, this is an enormous project, John."

Okay, here we go, I think to myself. I am not sure how she is going to take this part, but she needs to know sometime.

"We are funding the entire thing. Estimated construction is $150, plus we are providing an endowment for uninsured patients. And I am sure we will be assisting with staffing at some point as well."

"$150…$150 million? Are you kidding?"  I can see the look on her face, she is a bit shocked at the figure.

"No, I'm quite serious. With the endowment and inevitable cost overruns, it will probably be about $200 million once we are done."

"Your family has $200 million to donate to a health care centre? I knew you said you had family money, but…..seriously? Who else knows about this, does Susan know?"

"It's not a big secret or anything Wendall, if you say the name Carter in Chicago, there are a lot of people who will recognize it. Susan has known for quite a while, and so do a few of the other staff at County."

"This is weird John,  I know you said you had family money but...hundreds of millions?  You control that kind of money."

"Yes, I get a lot of say in where the money goes being the Chairman of the Board, and being the heir as mandated by my grandmother in her will. I have the chance to direct funds where I want them to go, so….given my chosen career as a doctor, I want to support health care. My time in Africa gave me some unique insight as well, and I have the opportunity to change health care in Chicago, provide better facilities and care for the low income and uninsured, so that is what I am doing." I hesitate for a second. "Do you want to go see the site? I was going to go today, but wanted to look at the plan changes before I went over there."

She is just standing there staring at me, then she realizes I have asked her a question.

"Yes, I'd love to, let me go change. Logan should be up soon."

"I'll get him, you can get ready to go. Afterwards we can stop somewhere and have some dinner."

"Sure, if we can go somewhere casual, like that little Italian place we always used to go to?"

"That sounds good. I'll go up and get Logan, and you get changed."

I gather up what we need for a couple hours, and wait for Wendall to come back down, she has changed into some dress pants and a soft sweater, and looks beautiful as usual. She seems to be a little more composed now, but I wonder what she is thinking. I put Logan in his car seat and carry him out to the car. As we drive I can see Wendall out of the corner of my eye, and she keeps looking over at me, but she doesn't say much.

We stop at the site and we both get out. They have made quite a bit of progress, but I know there is still at least a year of construction to go. We stand just at the front of the car, and I point out of few features of the clinic and name a few of the services it will provide. The name of the center is on the construction board, and she glances over at me.

"You got to name it - after a family member?"

"Yes...I wanted the naming opportunity." I say this a little sadly.

Wendall notices, but she does not ask, I think maybe she gets the picture. She looks at me for second.

"So, now I know why you are not worried about taking time off. I had no idea, John, none. You really know how to keep a secret."

"It's not a secret, quite a few of the people at County know I have money, and the money is part of my life, but it isn't who I am. I kind of had a feeling you didn't know, it's old news at County so no one really talks about it anymore. So, now you know too, and let's just say our son will never want for anything."

"So, if I asked you, you would tell me…..never mind I don't think I want to know. This is crazy, I don't even know what to say."

I turn towards her and lift her chin up, looking into her eyes. 

"Please don't get all weird about this. I am still the same person I was last night, you had no problem talking to me then. It doesn't change anything between us, Wendall. I happened to be born into a family with a lot of money, and my grandmother chose to leave it to me to manage when she died. Not a popular decision with my dad, but that's how it is, and people either accept it, or they start to treat me differently, because of what they think I should be like, not who I actually am."

She looks up at me for a moment then nods.

"Okay, you're right, I just never expected this, I mean I knew you had some money, but I suspect it is far beyond what I can even imagine. But it is a little…unreal I guess, I think I just need to get used to the idea."

We are still standing really close, and without thinking I lean down and kiss her, one arm going around her waist pulling her closer. Wendall responds and deepens the kiss and I feel her hands slide up and around my neck, one running into the back of my hair. We finally pull apart, and she leans on my shoulder, I keep my arms around her, resting my cheek against her hair. I don't know how long we stand there, each lost in our own thoughts, but it is starting to cool off as the sun goes down.

"We should probably go." I say softly in her ear.

I take her hand and open her door for her, she steps in and I go around to get in on my side. It feels like the kiss broke some of the tension, but also opened up some questions in both our minds.

We enjoy dinner, but we don't stay a long time at the restaurant as Logan starts to fuss, so we go home. Wendall is looking a little tired again, and I notice she is not moving as well tonight.

"Are you okay?"

"My leg is a little sore, I think maybe I overdid it when Susan and I went out this afternoon."

"Okay, relax for a few minutes while I put Logan to bed, and then I'll take a look."

When I come back down she is on the couch. I sit down and turn her so her feet are up on my lap and I check her knee and calf, the muscles seem a little tight, so I massage her calf and foot for a bit.

"Mmmmm, that's nice, it's feeling better already."

"Good, I think you're right, you were just on your feet too long today. Maybe tomorrow take it easy."

"I will, are you home tomorrow?"

"Yup, just going to do some work on my papers. Feel like watching a movie?"

We pick out a movie, and watch for a while, Wendall ends up sliding close to me and I put my arm around her, she leans on my chest, and then entwines her fingers with mine. There is definitely some mutual attraction here, I know after our kiss this afternoon we are both feeling it, and I feel very close to her right now.

Once the movie is done, we both head upstairs, she disappears into her room. I stop in Logan's room and just take a minute, leaning against the side of the crib and watching him sleep. I hear Wendall come into the room behind me, and feel an arm go around my waist so I slide my arm around her shoulders.

"He is so beautiful, I love to watch him." Wendall says softly, her head resting against me.

"He really is, you did a great job."

"I think you had something to do with it too, he looks like you.  Quite a lot actually."

I feel her shiver slightly, and pull her closer, rubbing her arm.

"Cold?"

"I was, but better now, thanks."

We stand there for a few minutes, then Wendall takes my hand and leads me down the hall into my room. She turns and slides her arms up around my neck and pulls my head down to kiss her, it starts gently, but soon becomes deeper and more urgent. I can feel one of her hands working on the buttons of my shirt, and I run my hand up under the back of her top caressing her soft skin. We are soon working at removing each other clothes, and finally end up in my bed.


	26. Chapter 26

**Wendall**

I awake, wrapped up John's arms, and I know from his deep even breathing he is still sleeping, and his breath is warm on the back of my neck. It became pretty clear yesterday that were both feeling the attraction, so last night I just acted without over thinking – I wanted to be with him, to see if there was something there.  I really think that there is, that we both have some pretty strong feelings for each other, we are just keeping them in check, hidden just below the surface.

It was hard for me when we broke up, and I never thought we would have another chance, but maybe, just maybe this is it, and I am going to take it. Maybe I will get hurt again, but it is worth the risk. I ponder these thoughts as I let myself drift in a half sleep for a while, until I feel him gently kiss my neck. I turn in his arms, so I am facing him, and I look at him sleepily. He kisses me gently.

"Good morning"

"Mmmmm, it sure is….I think someone let us sleep in."

"I think you're right. We should take advantage of it." He caresses my neck with feather light kisses, and I pull him closer, breathing deeply, enjoying how good he smells. We make love again, and then fall asleep in each others arms, warm in his soft and luxurious bed.

I think we both sleep for a while longer, until I hear Logan starting to make noises, and I know we only have a few minutes before we will have to get up.

"There's our wake up call."

John gives me a kiss and gets up, he goes into the bathroom and I hear the shower running. He is back out in a couple minutes, wrapped in a towel, I haven't been able to get out of bed yet. He pulls on some clothes and goes to get our son up, I can hear him head downstairs and soon I smell the aroma of coffee wafting up the stairs. I finally manage to crawl out of bed and stumble into the shower, I enjoy the hot water running over me, then wrap myself in one of the fluffy towels. I go to my room and find some clothes then follow downstairs.

Logan is having a bottle, cuddled in the crook of John's arm, while John sips some coffee. I run my hand across his shoulders and give him a kiss as I go by to get some coffee.

"Eggs and bacon for breakfast?" I ask.

"Or we can go to the diner if you want, and then maybe a walk by the lake? It is really nice out this morning."

"They have really good eggs benedict, I think we should go there."  I am easily talked into it, we used to go to the diner quite a bit when we were dating.  This feels remarkably like it was a year ago, except of course for our son who is cuddled in his daddy's arms.

John nods, and we gather our things, put Logan in the stroller and walk down to the diner. We both order the eggs benedict, orange juice and coffee.  We talk casually, neither of us ready to get into the big discussion, the one I am sure is coming after spending the night in the same bed, after making love and after the massive revelations dropped on me about the reality of John's life.

Once we are done John pays the bill and we walk towards the pathway along the lake.

We walk for a long time, our hands linked as I push the stroller. We each make the odd comment, but we mostly walk in a comfortable silence, finally stopping to sit on one of the benches that look out over the lake.

Logan is fast asleep and I tuck the blanket around him more securely, then John puts his arm around me, and I can see something is on his mind. I wait, I want to see what he has to say. He finally speaks, his voice soft.

"So, what are we doing Wendall. I mean, last night was…"

"Amazing." I finish for him

He looks over with a smile.

"Yes, it was." Then the serious tone returns to his voice "But I need to know…are we giving our relationship another chance…are you giving _me_ another chance? It would be great if that is what it means, but I don't want to….assume or…misinterpret what is going on with us. Last night felt so natural, so comfortable, so…right…but…did it feel that way to you?"

I turn towards him and put my hand on his cheek and look into his eyes.

"I know what you mean, it did feel right, and I didn't overthink last night, I kind of just went with what I was feeling. And… I have been thinking about us, it feels different this time, being with you. I know you had been through a lot just before we got together last year, and I think I know why you couldn't commit 100% to the relationship. The question is, are you _really_ ready now, do you think we have something real, is it something you want, can we move forward?"

He rests his forehead against mine, with his eyes closed. He takes a deep breath, still talking very softly.

"There is definitely something between us, and I would regret it, if we didn't at least try. It really did feel right last night, and, honestly, everything has changed since last year. I am truly ready to move on, before I just _thought_ I was ready or maybe I just _wanted_ to be ready. There are no guarantees in life, I know that for a fact, I have had my life turned upside down more than once, in the blink of an eye. But…I care about you a lot, and you're right, I couldn't commit then, but I can now."

"I care about you too, but it is hard to just let go, and let myself feel. I'm scared of getting hurt again…maybe you didn't mean to, but you did hurt me. "

"I know." He looks into my eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't want or mean to hurt you, you deserved far more than I was able to give then. It is one of my regrets, I let you walk away and I hurt you. I can't promise everything will be perfect, but I can promise I will be there 100%, and I want to try, see where this goes, no holding back. We just have to be totally honest with each other, communicate, if there is a problem we talk about it, work things out."

I already know what my answer is going to be, I feel like he is speaking from the heart, that he is being fully honest, not making empty promises. Any relationship worth being in requires work and compromise, he seems to know this, and wants a second chance from me, as much as I want to give him one.

"Yes." I breath this out softly, I know I only need this one word. The moment is intense, as is the kiss we share after I say this. I let myself relax into his arms and know we have come a long way in a very short time.

We sit for a while longer, then walk back to his house, his arm around me.

**Carter**

We get back to my house after a very intense conversation, and I know now that I was not misreading the situation, she does want to try again. I didn't want to assume what last night meant to Wendall, I needed to hear her say it, tell me what she wants, to know for sure where we are going with this relationship. To know that there _is_ a real relationship, and that we are equally invested in making this work. I know what I want, I think I can have this with Wendall, so I asked the question, I told her how I felt, I didn't hold back, and she says yes, she wants to try again.

We have a relaxing dinner, and spend some time playing with Logan before we work together to get him into bed. Wendall is getting around a lot better, though I think she overdid the walking again today. We relax together on the couch and talk for a while. I have a couple ideas moving forward and want to see how she feels – this might be moving quickly, but I am going all in on this, so nothing ventured nothing gained in my view.

Wendall has her feet up on my lap, I am giving her calf and foot a massage again, it seems to help with the pain. She looks over at me.

"So, I guess you are okay with me telling Susan that we are getting back together?"

"Sure, I don't have any problem with that, she is a good friend to both of us, and I don't want it to be a big secret that we are together. If you end up back at County, it might present some challenges, given the rumour mill there, but we can figure it out as we go. I am not sure what you're thoughts are about when you want to go back to work, or where you are going to be working."

"Well, I have to back to work, I do have bills to pay, rent and stuff, so as soon as my doctor clears me, I will need to figure that out."

"Yes, I understand that, but I hope you don't rush it - I know from experience it is not a good idea." I hesitate then decide just to jump in. "Your living here seems to be working, what do you think about giving up your apartment, and moving in here? You seem comfortable, and it just seems to make sense, to me at least."

Wendall seems a little surprised, but takes a moment to think about it.

"That is a big step forward in a relationship, but….if we are going to really commit to this, then it makes sense. So, kind of an all in approach this time around?"

"Yes, if you're okay with it."

"Well, I am comfortable here, so I think we should talk about it a bit more. How do we split expenses, like the mortgage and that sort of stuff."

"Well, I don't have a mortgage, I don't have any debt, my vehicles are paid for, no student loans, I was lucky and my family paid for medical school. I just have utilities, property taxes, car insurance, that kind of stuff. You can save your money for other things, I don't really need you to pay anything on the house or any expenses. We have Emily to do a lot of the housework and I take care of her salary for the housekeeping and babysitting she does for Logan, and she has access to a house account for the groceries or any other expenditures required to do her job. Having you stay here doesn't change my expense level much if at all, so…I would like you to just enjoy it. It will be pretty much like it is now."

"So you're saying you want me to move in with you, and I don't pay anything? My entire salary is just mine?"

"Yes, that is exactly what I am saying. You can choose to work less if you want, at least for a while, or full time if you want – it is totally up to you. I am not going to try and control what you do with your career. My family hated that I became a doctor, I won't tell someone else what to do with their life. I am only going to be part time for a while, but we can get more childcare or a nanny if we find we need it, we can talk about that once you figure out your work schedule. I was thinking whichever of us is taking care of Logan can use the BMW, it's easy to add you on to the insurance, I know you don't have a car right now, but I do….and I still have my Jeep if we need another vehicle, and we are super close to the El."

Wendall is silent for a minute.

"This is weird, I won't deny it. I always imagined that moving in with someone would involve splitting these things, so you're freaking me out a little bit."

"Okay, but as I said, there is not much to split, Wendall. I am in a….unique position…to be able to own this place with no mortgage, and have absolutely no debt. I can't even spend the interest I earn on my investments, let alone the principal, so it's not like I can't afford it. If you are with me, then you need to get used to it, it isn't going to change anytime soon – well who am I kidding, it's never going to change. I don't even take a full salary from County, I get them pay me enough to cover benefits and make me eligible for the malpractice insurance, cover the extra malpractice insurance I carry, but I essentially donate my time to the hospital."

She gives a little laugh.

"You work for free?"

"What do you think I was doing in Africa? They cover a certain amount of your expenses, like flights and food – such as it is in Africa – but they don't pay you, it is a volunteer organization. I don't need a salary, I have never had to work, I choose to work, because I like what I do."

"I can tell, I could see how much you like your work when we were at County. So, if I decided to keep my apartment?"

"Then we work things out from there, visitation rights, child support, child care for when you go back to work, and we see each other, you know…date. Though I like the idea of you moving in here better, when we were together before, we spent most of our time here anyway, it is just simpler. But if you want your own space, then it's fine, it was just something I was thinking about."

"No, I think I would like to move in here, you're right, we would probably be here all the time anyway, so it doesn't make sense to keep two places. Being in one house makes things easier, in many ways. I am not sure what to do with my stuff though."

"Well, anything you love and want to keep, we can see if we can work it in to one of the rooms here. Or put it in storage for now. Everything else, you can sell or donate, if needed it can be replaced. This place is mostly furnished but I am willing to compromise, so you can make it yours too. There are a few pieces I won't part with, things that came from my grandmothers estate, but I want you to be totally comfortable here, we can redecorate a bit if you like, figure it out as we go along. Whenever you like, we can get you over to your apartment so you can go through things, I can help or maybe Susan, whatever you prefer."

Wendall slides across the couch and gives me a kiss.

"I can't believe we are doing this, but it feels good, I am looking forward to it."

"Me too. I like having you here." By now it is getting late, so we go up to get ready for bed. Wendall goes into the guest room but soon reappears, and crawls into bed beside me. I turn off the lights, and pull her into my arms. "So….I guess I should make some room in the walk-in closet?"

"Yes, and maybe if we have some time over the next few days we can start on my apartment. I should give my notice before the first of the month, then we have the full month to move everything. I have to go through stuff, and decide what to keep, and get rid of. We have doubles of stuff, especially baby stuff."

"Your place isn't that big, so I think we can probably get it done fairly quickly. I'll hire some movers once you know what you're keeping."

We talk for a bit longer, plan for the next few days to get to work on her place, then I remember.

"So….do you think you would want to come to a fundraiser with me? I'm obligated to attend, but I like to bring someone. It is formal, so if you don't have something suitable, we can get you a dress."

"A fundraiser? I don't have much formal wear, so I will need a dress, but of course I will go with you."

"Great, the dress and shoes are my treat, I hate to go to these things alone. Maybe you and Susan want to go shopping? I'll give you my card and you can get whatever you want to wear."

"You don't have to buy me a dress."

"But I want to, and I want you to be comfortable, so no arguments. You have been off work for a while, and you are doing me a favor by going."

"So are you going to spoil me like this all the time?"

"Of course, my grandmother taught me to share - I think she would have liked you a lot, I wished you had met her. And like I said if you are going to be with me, then you have to get used to certain things, one of which is if we have special events, and you need formal wear, I would like to pay for the dresses. I know how much Social Workers make, and how much this stuff costs. And this one is a Foundation event, so yes, everyone will be looking at you, I have to present a cheque for the charity we are supporting, and there will be pictures taken. Keep that in mind when you are choosing a dress."

"Mmmmm, I get to finally see you in one of those tuxes in the closet? I'm definitely in."

"Good, I am looking forward to you coming with me. It can be a little overwhelming at first, but you will be fine."

We both drift off to sleep, my world has changed again, in a very short time.


	27. Chapter 27

**Susan**

I have another day off work, so I call and see if Wendall wants to go for coffee. She had left me a message saying she wanted to get together, and it has been a few days since we talked, so I am very curious about what is happening between her and Carter. I hope that she managed to talk to him, and figure things out.

She tells me to drop by whenever I am ready and we can go to the great little coffee shop close to John's house, and then maybe do a little shopping. Carter lives near a great boutique area, so it will be a fun afternoon. We decide to leave the boys at home, Chuck and John can take care of them.

I arrive and Wendall opens the door, she looks really great today, relaxed and happy. She disappears into the office for a minute and then she is back with her purse. We leave and go towards the coffee shop.

"So how are Chuck and Cosmo?"

"Great, Cosmo is getting so big, he is almost 2 years old now, they grow so fast. Enjoy Logan while you can. He's what about 6 months old now?"

"He just turned 6 months, he is sitting up now, and such a little personality. He is changing so quickly now, starting to try bits of food. "

We order our coffee to go and wander over to the lake pathway, chatting as we go.

"Soooo, I have to ask, how are things with you and Carter? Did you guys talk?"

"Things are going great actually." Wendall is smiling. "John and I thought maybe you and Chuck would want to come for dinner one night, so let us know your work schedule and we can figure out a date. We do have a couple things planned, we are going to see my parents in Arizona, and then a visit to his dad in New York. Plus the foundation is doing a benefit of some sort, and John has to present a cheque, so we are going to that one night. I have to find a formal or cocktail dress for that, maybe you could help me look for one today.""

"Really? An evening out sounds like fun, Chuck and I don't get out nearly enough as a couple, so we would love to come for dinner. I will check my schedule." I look over at Wendall. "So, you are going to visit family together, and he is taking you as a date to a benefit?"

"Yes, we are both off work still, so a little traveling will be okay, apparently Logan doesn't mind flying, according to John anyway. Seems he was on a plane several times while I was in the hospital, he's probably flown as many times as I have and he's not even a year old.  I get to finally see John in a tux, I'm looking forward to seeing the other side of his life, which by the way you could have warned me about. I had no idea, talk about surprise. I can't believe how one person can have so much control over so much money, but I love that he is doing so much for health care, he took me to see the site, and it is going to be pretty incredible."

"Well, I don't go around talking about John's personal financial situation, it is better you find out about that stuff directly from him."

"I guess you're right. I can see why he doesn't tell people right away, it would certainly make him a target for women, though I guess he is anyway. There is something about him, I noticed it right away when I met him, and I noticed how patients respond to him as well. It was weird to find out he has so much, then he pointed out that he didn't change overnight, he is still the same guy - he didn't suddenly become someone else, now that I _know_ he has money. I don't care about the money, I'm not with him for that."

"I know you're not, and John certainly knows it, or he would never have dated you, I can guarantee it. He has a pretty good sense, we joke it's his gold digger alarm, personally I think his grandmother taught him well, he can generally judge character.  I have never seen him date anyone that is overtly material, and he lives low key, half the people at County have no idea about his family.  But anyway…the statement _with_ him for the money, _are_ you _with_ him?"

Wendall looks pretty happy right now and I have a feeling the 'not sleeping together' statement is no longer true.

"Yes, I am as a matter of fact. When you're right, Susan, you're right. We had a good talk, and we decided that we do want to give it another try, and I am giving up my apartment and moving in with him. We have been over to my apartment a couple times in the past few days, and figured out what to do with most of my stuff. I am getting rid of a lot, bringing a few things to the house, but in a couple weeks I will be moved in to his place."

I stop short and turn to look at Wendall in surprise, thinking how quickly this has transpired.

"He asked you to move in with him permanently? Are you serious? That is pretty big news…no wonder you look so happy."

"I am happy, it has been a really good week. Once we started talking things have just gotten so much easier. I found out we can have the tough conversations, I don't need to avoid it or pretend, I can just say what I am feeling, and he does the same. This is probably the first time I don't have to wonder what a guy is thinking, I just ask him and he tells me."

"Well…I'm a little jealous. Chuck is not John Carter that is for sure, Chuck sometimes grunts more than talks, though overall I can't complain too much. But I am happy for both of you, I hope it works."  I have to tease her a bit.  "I was just suggesting you have a little fun, you know, have sex, hang out, here you have taken it to a whole new level.  Quick work on your part."

"It just kind of fell into place.  You know when we dated before I spent all my time with him and at his place anyways.  I am already living with him, it was just changing bedrooms."

"Ah, so yes to the sex part then.  You two have been doing more than talking."  I smirk at her, but she doesn't deny anything she just smiles.

"It just all feels right, if you know what I mean. It doesn't take any effort, I don't feel like I have to be a certain way, I can just relax and be myself, I am totally comfortable being at his house and being with him. The parenting thing is going well too, he is so great with Logan, and really involved, so I count myself lucky. I have so many friends with husbands or ex-husbands that do barely anything for their kids."

"Yeah, so I hear, but Chuck is almost more maternal than I am, so I don't have that problem either. So, we should go and see if we can find you a dress." We head down to some of the boutiques, and there are some really nice dresses. I look at a few of the price tags and wince, this is an expensive part of town. Then I see one that would look just perfect on Wendall. "You should try that one on just for fun, then we can go somewhere we can actually afford a dress."

Wendall tries on the dress and it is stunning, the sales lady also brings her some very expensive but beautiful shoes that work perfectly. Carter would love her in that dress, but I am pretty sure she can't afford it. To my total surprise, Wendall simply tells the sales person to wrap it up, along with shoes, and she pulls out a credit card and charges it. I think she must see my expression, but she just shrugs.

"I have nothing even close to being formal enough, and I want to look good for this benefit, I have to compete with the Prada Tuxedo hanging in John's closet."

"But Carter won't expect you to shell out that kind of money, you know that Wendall. That is a _really_ expensive dress, and you bought the shoes too?"

"I know I would never spend this kind of money either.  I shouldn't say this but John gave me his credit card and told me to buy something for the fundraiser. He knows I have been off work, and that formal dresses are expensive, but he wants me to come…so he is paying for the dress and shoes. He even said if I find more than one, to go ahead and get a couple so I have them if needed, it seems like anytime we need to go for an event he is more than willing to buy me a dress."

"Seriously? He just gave you his credit card and told you to go buy something? Maybe we should do a bit more shopping while we are out then. Get him a treat, to unwrap so to speak, at the end of the evening? How many guys just hand over their credit card and say go have fun, buy whatever you want."

"This is the first time I've ever had a guy give me his credit card, and normally I wouldn't accept it.  However, we are going to some very fancy venue and he is going to be really well dressed.  I don't want to embarrass him by wearing something that won't fit in."

We head into a lingerie store just down the street and find the perfect undergarments for the dress. I find myself wishing I had the money to do something like that for Chuck, but our budget is tight with only me working, and Cosmo to take care of, and we are trying to save up to buy a house. Wendall surprises me yet again and she picks out a few extra bits of lingerie, I think Carter is going to be a pretty happy guy when he sees her wearing some of this stuff.

We browse in a few more shops, then Wendall takes me for lunch to thank me for helping her shop. We stop at the little diner down the street, they always have good food.

"I hope John likes the dress, this is the first formal event I have gone to with him, I'm a little nervous."

"It is perfect, Wendall, every guy in the room is going to be looking at you, and wishing you were _their_ girlfriend. Though, I think what he is really going to like, is the _other_ stuff you bought. What guy wouldn't like those lacy little bits – I am thinking I might need to get some of those, Chuck and I have been acting a little _too_ married these days. We used to be all over each other, now, not so much."

"Well, I guess we are in the all over each other phase, but is always good to make things a little more interesting. There have been a few nights with not so much sleep, but it _was_ fun."

"What! A few nights? You have only been back together what, a week? And he is keeping you up all night?"

Wendall has a little grin on her face "Or we're keeping each other up all night – I told you that part of the relationship was never a problem. I can't believe that I just spent that much, and actually bought La Perla, so I hope he likes it. I asked him though, how much I could spend, and he just said whatever I wanted, don't worry about it. Then I made him give me a dollar figure, because...honestly I needed to know what he means by spend whatever, I'm not use to this Susan."

"I think I'm a little jealous, Chuck is like - no don't buy that, it's too much. And here Carter is saying, here's my card go have fun, spend whatever you want? And I am sure he will like it, he's a guy after all and that dress is incredible."

"Well I guess I will find out, both if he minds me buying it, and if he likes it. It is so strange, not having to worry about what you spend, and now I have no rent to pay, I won't have to be as careful either."

"I can't even imagine not having to pay rent, but I guess since he owns the house, I bet he doesn't have any debt at all, I know he didn't have student loans either, his family paid for his school. His house now is pretty small compared to his grandmothers place, _that_ place was incredible - a mansion, or an estate maybe is the better word. Like heated pool, tennis courts, and 14 bedroom kind of mansion, he would stay there quite a bit when his grandmother wasn't well."

"I haven't seen the mansion, but John's house is the perfect size I think, and I don't see him in a mansion, I still have trouble believing that he, well has money. I knew he did okay...I admit the whole thing is going to take some getting used to, but...I'm happy."

We wander back to Carter's house – I guess it kind of Wendall's house now too – and we go in. Carter is in the kitchen getting a drink, Jing Mei is sitting at the island and is holding Logan.

Wendall goes over and gives both Carter and Logan a quick kiss.

"Hi Jing Mei, John said you were coming by today. How is everything?"

"Good, thanks. Looks like you had some successful shopping."

"I found the perfect dress and shoes, but it will have to be a surprise. I'm just going to take these upstairs and I will be right back." Wendall collects up the bags and disappears upstairs.

**Carter**

The last few days have been great. We have gotten quite a bit done at Wendall's apartment, and brought most of her clothing and personal items over to my place. She has taken over half the closet in my room and I have a second dresser which is all hers now. It turns out she doesn't have a lot of furniture to bring over, and we've gone through the cupboards, and though some of the stuff is nice, she only has a few special pieces she wants to bring to my house. We have been packing most everything up, and we will probably donate a lot of it. She has a few things for Logan that we have brought over, but most of it is duplicate to what is already set up at my house. It seems like this is going to be easier than I thought.

Today Wendall is out shopping with Susan, I have given her my credit card and told her to have fun. She asked how much she can spend, and I told her as much as she liked, which earned me a look. I don't have a credit limit on my card, and I earn a huge amount of interest every day on my investments, plus I get a monthly deposit from my trust fund, so when I say whatever, I mean it. But I get that she still doesn't really understand my finances, so I give her a ballpark and she kind of raises her eyebrows at me, but I shrug.

"You asked, so really, go have fun, buy something nice, or find a few nice things."

While she is out shopping I call Katie, my travel agent and book us some flights to Arizona, and ask her to get us a hotel room and a rental car lined up as well. We are going to fly to New York right from Arizona, instead of coming home, so I get her to book the flights for that trip as well, and a sedan to take us from the airport – Wendall doesn't know this, but my grandmother owned a two bedroom condo in Manhattan overlooking Central Park, so that is a going to be a surprise for her. Since I inherited it as part of the estate, I have been staying there when I visit my dad in New York. I have thought about selling it, but haven't yet, it has been coming in handy. My dad has a place not too far from the place I now own, so it is convenient.

Deb comes over for a visit, she has just finished up work. I give her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek as she comes in.

"How are things going, haven't really had a chance to visit with you lately."

"Oh, okay I guess. You know, work is about the same, I wish you would come back soon. Luka and Pratt are apparently going to do a couple weeks in Darfur. Greg said he had talked to you about it a while back, and you said he should go – so guess between you and Luka he has been talked into it."

"Really? That is actually good news, believe me Deb, two weeks in Darfur and he will come back a totally different guy. It's a bit of a reality check, let me tell you."

"I suppose that is true enough, maybe I should go."

I shake my head.  "No, don't even think about it Deb, I would never tell a woman to go there, if the Janjaweed got hold of you, you don't even want to know what they would do. They are brutal to women, for a guy it can be bad, but for you it would be far worse."

"Well, your friend Debbie was there, she did okay."

"Yes, but she hasn't gone back, she had Dakarai and I to help, and honestly, it gets more dangerous every day. We were lucky not to get stopped when we had to walk to Khartoum. I hate to think about it. I'm not even tempted to go back right now."

Deb looks at me, and smiles. "You're worried about me? You really have gone soft on me, I love it. I don't think I would be able to go anyway, I like the comforts of home. But you don't worry about Luka and Greg?"

"Of course I worry about _you_ Deb, you're my friend, and I care about you. So don't go anywhere near the Congo or Darfur. Luka knows what he is getting into, and Greg could use a little reality, so no, I don't worry about them like I do you, Deb."

"I won't, I promise. So where is that darling little boy of yours, I miss him."

"He should be up soon, he is taking a nap, but we can go get him." We both go upstairs and he is just starting to wake up. Deb claims him and gets him changed, I hope one day she finds the right guy and has another baby, she is so great with kids.

We bring him down and Deb feeds him for me, while I get us some drinks.

"So John, what else is new? How are things going with Wendall, I can't help but notice she has quite a bit of stuff here now."

"Well, she is moving in, actually. We are back together, and I asked her to move in, we never spent much time at her place, it just makes sense for her to be here."

"Wow, that is big news, when did this happen? She seems great, but the way, I have only met her a few times, but I like her. And you look pretty happy, so she must be good for you."

"Just in the last couple days. She _is_ great Deb, intelligent, beautiful, and well, I guess you would call her exactly my type, she makes me very happy. Something I have learned, take the chance to be happy while you can, life can change in the blink of an eye."

"It does, I know what you mean." Deb rubs my arm "It is nice to see you happy again, John, I know its been tough, but you deserve it." She sighs. "I have been out dating a bit too, but I haven't had much luck yet."

"I will have to keep my eyes open, see if I can find someone for you. Unfortunately a lot of the guys I know aren't really your type."

"Oh here we go with the type again. But you're probably right, I think you know me by now."

We talk and joke around for a while, then I hear Susan and Wendall get back from their shopping trip.

I smile as they come into the kitchen, Wendall gives both me and Logan a kiss.

"I trust that you two founds something great, judging by all the shopping bags. I was just going to order some take out, did you want to stay for a bit?"

"We just had some lunch, but I can stay and visit. Are you here for a while Jing Mei?" Susan drops onto one of the stools.

Jing Mei nods.  "I haven't been here long, I had to work today. I haven't seen John for a few days, so I thought I better make sure everything was okay."

Susan smirks. "Sounds like everything is pretty good, from what I hear."

Wendall shakes her head and makes a comment about putting her shopping away and she goes upstairs, but reappears in a couple minutes.

"I got a terrific dress, I think you will like it, but it is going to be a surprise."

"Okay, I am sure I will love it."

I order some food and we all sit around and talk for a couple hours, then Susan and Deb have to go, they both work tomorrow. Wendall and I clean up, spend some time with Logan and then relax for a while.

**Wendall**

John and I are relaxing, after my day of shopping and then the visit with Susan and Jing Mei, I am a little tired. I lean against John and we talk, we have gotten into the habit of doing this for a few minutes every night, and I am finding out so much about him, and sharing little things about myself too.

"So, you had a fun day with Susan?"

"I did, I updated her on moving in here, and we did the shopping. I felt a little weird using your credit card, though, I hope you are okay with what I spent."

"Of course, I told you to go have fun, and I hope you did. I am glad you got a dress, and hopefully you found a couple other things you liked. By the way, something came in the mail for you." John gets up and disappears into his office, then comes back with a couple envelopes. He sits back down and I get comfortable again before I look at them. They are both from a bank, one that I don't use.

"What are these?"

"I guess you will have to open them and find out."

I am already breaking the seal on the first one and pull out a credit card with my name on it.

"What is this?" I sit up and turn to look at John, raising an eyebrow at him.  I know what it is but I want him to explain why I have this credit card.

"A secondary card on one of my accounts, you can use it to cover things you need to get for Logan, or like today, for shopping as needed, or gas for the car, that kind of stuff. I might not always be able to give you mine, and it is better for you to have one with your name on it, some stores might not let you use mine."

"You got me a credit card on one of your accounts? So what is the second one?" I open it and find another card.

"That one is for the house expense account, the one I use for groceries, or anything for the house. You can use it if you need to pick up anything house related."

"I didn't expect you to do this, John, I don't know what to say."

"I know you didn't expect it, but if you are living here then you need to have access to certain things, and that includes the account for the house, and a credit card. I wanted to do this. I have a basket on my desk, throw your receipts in there so I can do the reconciliation on my accounts, and we are all good. I'm not going to ask you to explain each receipt or anything, I just need to watch for credit card fraud, unauthorized use before I pay the card off."

"So what is the credit limit on the card?"

"You don't need to worry about that, it has plenty of room, and I don't carry a balance. I trust you, spend what you need, just don't buy a house or something."

I can tell he is joking about the house, but he is not worried at all about what I spend? What?

"So you are willing to totally support not only your son, but me as well?"

"I guess if you look at it that way, yes. Okay, I am going to tell you some things here, and this is between you and me, not to share with anyone, not even Susan. You have to keep it confidential."

I look at him and see he is serious about it, so I nod.

"Okay, I won't say anything to anyone."

"Okay, so you have to be aware, Wendall, that even if we weren't together, if we hadn't decided to give us another chance, that you would be getting substantial support anyway. How much do you make per year?"

"About $45,000, plus I have benefits through work."

"I make more in interest _daily_ than what you will ever make in your lifetime, working full time, just on my personal investments. On top of that I have a trust fund, which I get a monthly deposit from, and this is just from the earned interest, it doesn't even touch the principal, in fact the principal is growing every month because a portion of the interest is reinvested. It has been in place since I was born, and my grandfather was a financial genius, so it grew, and the principal is substantial. I have added Logan to my trust, when he is older he will be entitled to an income from it, and if something happens to me, the entire thing becomes his and will be overseen until he is of legal age. Unless I have other children, at which point I will change it so they would benefit equally."

I can only sit there and stare at him for a minute.

"And the Foundation?"

"Is a separate entity, it is legally separate from me, but I still have controlling interest - I can swing the vote to whatever I want the Foundation to support. So the income I am talking about is my personal income, Wendall. I used to have just my trust fund, but I can't spend it all, so it goes into investments, which earn more interest, which I can't possibly spend, unless I decided I want to really go crazy with private planes and risky investments. I have actually cut back what I take from my trust to the absolute minimum, so it is growing even faster now."

"So you have changed your will to add Logan? Already?"

"Of course, I wouldn't take the chance, if something happened to me, the estate could be tied up for quite a while if I didn't make proper arrangements. So this brings me to the next thing, which is my dad - I know you wanted to meet him, but I want to prepare you before you do.  I need you to listen before you react to this, so you understand why it was done."

I am not sure I want to know what he is going to say, but I feel like I need to hear it, we are going to see his dad next week.

"Okay, tell me."

"So my dad is not really happy, my grandmother left him a relatively small trust, and left everything else to me, control of the Foundation, her house, basically everything. Did not go over well is an understatement. So when I first visited him, he made a real point of asking if I was sure Logan was my son." John stops and looks at me. "Personally I didn't doubt it, but when he said that, I knew what I had to do, to ensure there were no questions or challenges on my estate later. So, I did DNA testing, and it is on record as part of my will."

"So, you made sure Logan is your son? Did you think I lied on the birth certificate?"

John takes both of my hands in his, and looks directly in my eyes.

"No, Wendall, I didn't think you lied, I didn't doubt he was mine, all I had to do was look at him and see his eyes and I knew it was true. My dad and I just had a real...I will call it a heated discussion about it, and I just did what I needed to do to protect our sons future legal rights. You don't know my family, they could make it very difficult for you and Logan, if I didn't set things up properly, and I wanted to make sure that you were both taken care of, if something happened to me. They could legally tie things up for years, leaving you and Logan with nothing in the meantime, and I don't want that to happen, to leave you trying to raise our son just on your income."

I am not thrilled he felt the need to DNA test our son, but what he is saying makes sense, so I am trying not to be angry about it.

"So you are telling me this now, because we are going to visit your dad."

"It was never my intention to hide it, I just know that this is the time to tell you. My dad might be just fine for our visit, or he might make some comment that you may not like, and you need to know it is not personal against you, but that he is upset with me. We try to maintain some sort of relationship, I wanted him to meet his grandson and I want him to meet you. He has tried to be there a bit more, but...the having kids without being married thing, how that appears, he is less than thrilled about it. He wasn't around much when I was a kid, I was 10 when my brother died and afterwards we weren't a family anymore. My parents didn't do well after Bobby was gone, they spent a lot of time overseas and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. I'm not close with either of my parents, they don't agree with or support my career, my volunteer time in Africa, or anything about how I live my life."

This is so different from my family, they always spent a lot of time with me, supported my career, and though they want me to have someone in my life, they accepted I was having a baby by myself with no questions.

"Why didn't they support you being a doctor? Most parents _want_ their kids to go into medicine."

"Not mine, they really wanted me to join the family business, hang around in the right social circles, right from birth it was assumed I would fall into line. But I didn't conform, so my family reluctantly paid for medical school, but only if I got a business degree as well, so when I was done my _phase_ , as they called it, I could do what they expected. They did the same thing to my cousin Chase, he was very talented as a photographer and artist, but they pressured him to be part of the family business, and he did conform, at least until he overdosed on some bad quality heroin. His parents were in Singapore at the time, they didn't even bother to come home for months afterward."

I think, wow, this family, how can you not come home when your son overdoses, how can you leave a 10 year old and go overseas, right after he has lost his brother? I understand a bit more why John is so adamant about being part of his son's life, why he feels such a need to support him they way he does. It also must have taken a great deal of strength to go against his family's wishes and become a doctor, and I see that there are even more facets to this guy that I don't know about. In a lot of ways, he is a very complicated person, and I get why I had such a hard time getting into his head when we were dating, there is a lot going on in there and he must be used to hiding a lot of it. But underneath it all, I am seeing that when he loves, he loves deeply, he is generous and really has given a lot of himself to others, both in his work as a doctor and as a friend. I know I am not angry with him about the testing, and I appreciate what he is trying to do in our relationship - he is trying to share what he has, and I am amazed by him in many ways.

"Thank you." I wrap arms around him and hug him tightly. I can tell he is surprised by my reaction.

"Thank you for what?" I think maybe people don't say this enough to him, and it is unexpected.

"For sharing all of this with me, for caring so much about me, about your son, just...for everything."

I can feel him take a deep breath.

"I love you Wendall." He says this really softly against my hair, and I know he means it.

"I love you too."


	28. Chapter 28

**Wendall**

Last night was another turning point in our relationship, it has evolved so quickly, my head is spinning a little. It feels a little dream like right now, but I have let my guard down, and it feels like John has let his down too. He has totally let me in, and I like what I am seeing, more than I could have imagined. I know he is not perfect, but I can honestly say I have never met anyone quite like him, and I have completely fallen in love with him.

John and I are going to be out of town for a few days, he arranged a trip to Arizona, then to New York, he spent some time the day Susan and I went shopping and booked everything. He even called my parents to let them know we were planning to visit, every detail is taken care of, another thing I love about him.

Tonight I have been invited out for a girl's night, we are leaving tomorrow afternoon so I accept even though I might be a bit tired the day we travel. I guess Susan, Jing Mei and Abby used to do this quite a bit a couple years ago and they had a lot of fun. I am looking forward to it, though I don't know Abby and Jing Mei as well as I do Susan.

I worked with Abby a bit in the ER, she was the one who first mentioned that John had recently lost a child. We had a case where a mother was denying she had given birth, and I know it was a very difficult thing for John to watch, a mother rejecting a beautiful healthy child, when he would have given so much for his own child to have been born alive and healthy. She seemed okay when John and I were dating, but I don't think she knows we have gotten back together or that I have moved in with him, so I am not sure how she is going to like it. Apparently she was none too happy to learn that Logan was John's son, and that is why he came home, and I know they dated for about a year, that it did not end well, but they still seem to be friends.

John thinks it's a good idea, to go out and have fun, and told me to call him later if I need a ride home. I could take the El, but if it's really late he wants me to call or take a cab, I love that he worries about me.

We all meet at the pub, we are going to get something to eat then see where we want to go next. We order our first round and some appetizers to share.

Abby smiles at me, she is friendly, so I relax slightly.

"You look good, Wendall, you've recovered well from the accident?"

"Thanks, I am feeling pretty good. The physiotherapy helped, and I have been getting out and doing a lot of walking. I used to run, and do triathalons so I want to get back into training as soon as I can, but my doctor told me to take it slow.  John has told me not to rush, either, he has been great."

Abby nods. "Wow, I didn't know you were so athletic. How old is your son now?"

"He is getting close to 7 months old, I can't believe how big he is, time for me to get back in shape from that too."

Susan start to laugh at me.

"Yeah, right Wendall, you looked great within a few weeks of having him. I still can't get rid of the baby weight and Cosmo is two. Maybe I need to do some training with you, though I bet I wouldn't be able to keep up."

Jing Mei takes a sip of her drink.

"So is John taking care of Logan tonight? Logan is such a little sweetie, you are very lucky Wendall."

"Thanks Jing Mei. Yes, he's with his dad, John loves spending the time with him. So, Abby, how is the residency coming?"

"Oh pretty good, it is hard some days, but I get through it. Not much time for a personal life though, I haven't been dating any good men lately. I guess Susan is the only one who has a man at the moment, lucky her."

I look at Susan and Jing Mei, and they both give little almost imperceptible shakes of their heads. As I suspected, Abby doesn't know, I do actually have a man in my life, or who he happens to be.  I think it is time to break the news to her.

"Well, I'm seeing someone, Abby. I guess you don't know that John and I are back together, it has been going pretty well actually." Which is an understatement, but I don't feel comfortable saying too much in front of John's ex-girlfriend, even if they haven't been an item for at least 3 years.

"Wow, oh, I didn't know, that's…good." Abby is saying all the right things, but she does not seem that happy about it.

"Have you shown John the dress yet? He is going to love you in it, you are going to look so amazing when you go to the benefit." Susan knows things have been going well with John and I, she is happy for us. "I still can't believe he just gave you his credit card and told you to go shopping."

Abby looks a little startled at this comment.

"I went to a couple with him, but he never gave me his credit card to go buy a dress."

Jing Mei gives a little bit of an unladylike snort.

"No, he just flew back from Belize for you, helped you with your family, face it Abby, he spent plenty on you, even if he never took you shopping. And he bought you a couple of pretty nice birthday and Christmas presents to if I recall."

Abby is a little displeased with Jing Mei's comment, but comes out with a little gem of her own.

"Not to mention paying my medical school tuition. I guess I do need to thank him for that."

I can't believe what she just said, and I can see Susan and Jing Mei both looking at each other too. Susan manages to say.

"What, Abby? What did you just say?"

Jing Mei's rolls her eyes, I can tell she is annoyed with Abby.

"John paid your tuition? When did this happen?"

"Well, you know after he came back from Africa last year. My ex-husband Richard, the slime ball, defaulted on my loan. Susan, you remember when I said that I decided not to back to school, because I liked being a nurse so much? Well I lied. I went back to being a nurse because Richard spent my loan money, so they kicked me out of med school for non-payment. And John knew it, he knew Richard had spent my loan money, I told him why I left school the first time, but I wasn't ready to go back, I needed to save some money. Then, when John left for Africa the second time, I went back to school, and had to basically beg Richard to cosign a loan. I only had one year left, but Richard did it again, he defaulted and I was going to be kicked out again. Carter overheard me tell someone, and he paid my tuition so I could finish. Didn't even tell me, he just went and paid it. Then I found out from Weaver I was up to date, and the only one who has that kind of money just sitting around….well we all know he is the only one who has that kind of money and would do something like that. Said he thought I would be a good doctor, and he hated to see me not finish, so he was making an investment in the future of medicine."

There is silence around the table for a full minute.

"Soooo, how much exactly was this, Abby?"

"What? Oh about $50,000 I think, I told him I would pay him back, though he said I didn't need to, he was giving it to me."

Susan starts to laugh.

"Wow, Abby, he saved your ass, kept you in medical school so you didn't have to wait another full year and try to come up with that kind of money, and you weren't even dating him at the time?"

I am feeling a little shocked that he had paid her tuition, when they weren't even together at the time. And that is not a small amount of money, I barely make that in a year, though I know it is not much to John.

Jing Mei just gives a little smile, it seems everyone is suddenly feeling the need to share.

"Well, he is a pretty good friend, he gave up a full day of his life to coach me through labour when I had Michael. I couldn't do it alone, and I called John –he had just worked this double shift, to cover another doctor who was on leave, so he work for something like 30 hours straight and he had just gotten home. He came back to the hospital, and spent the entire day with me. I had chosen to give up the baby for adoption, and the couple was there, but I couldn't deal with them, so John became my intermediary and he helped me through it. He must have been up something like 42 hours by the time I finally handed Michael over to the adoptive parents, and then he had to go right back to the ER and work another 12 hour shift. I will forever be grateful he did that, I wouldn't have been able to manage it without him."

Susan shakes her head.

"Well, I guess I have missed out, though he did get my car fixed for me one time, my sister Chloe messed up my ignition. John worked some sort of magic and got the guy in and it was done before the end of my shift. Never saw a bill for that either, come to think of it. And he helped me deliver my niece, though he was a med student at the time."

I take a sip of my drink, and think about what everyone has revealed and what he has already done for me. It just reinforces how I am feeling about him, and I know he has some good friends sitting here.

Abby looks over at me, I can tell she is hoping to stir something up between me and John.  She has a little gleam in her eye, almost daring me to react.

"I hope you're not mad he paid my tuition, he might not like that I told you."

"Not at all, it's his money, he can do what he wants with it. I can't complain anyway, he is more than generous to me, and he is a terrific dad too. He does continuously surprise me, he gives a lot, especially his time, and he cares a lot about his friends."

"That's true, he has done a ton of volunteer work, even at County and he has always been good to me. Are you all packed Wendall?"  Susan gives a nod an tries to redirect the conversation, I think she knows what Abby is up to.

"Where are you going?" Abby asks.

"John and I are going to Arizona to see my family, then to New York so I can meet his dad. I can't wait, I haven't seen my parents for quite a while, though John took Logan to see them while I was in the hospital. My parents were surprised when he called, but they hadn't been able to even see Logan yet, they are not well enough to travel. They loved John, he can really turn on the charm - and they were so impressed he just got on the plane and flew all the way down there."

Susan laughs.  "He definitely can be charming, I often give him the little old ladies that tend to be difficult, but he always wins then over and they end up thinking he is the greatest. We have a few that request him now. I think dealing with his grandmother, she was a tough lady - and his mother for that matter, must give him the patience, though you could tell that Millicent really adored him under that tough exterior. And he was there for her the last few years, especially when she broke her hip and experienced some health issues."

We chat for a while longer, we finish eating, and then go to a club. We have fun, Jing Mei and Abby go and dance with a couple guys, while Susan and I talk a bit.

"So meeting Jack Carter? And a trip to New York, you lucky girl. It's going really well then."

"Really, really well actually. Don't say anything to Jing Mei or Abby, but I totally love him."

Susan raises her eyebrows at me.

"Wow, things have gone better than I thought. I hope you have told him this – or are you waiting for him to say it first."

"Oh no, I've told him."

We don't get to say anything further as the other two have come back to the table, but Susan is looking pretty happy. We stay a bit longer, then I go to get a cab home, it is getting late and we are traveling tomorrow.

I quietly go up the stairs, and get ready for bed, I don't want to wake him up. I slide under the covers and feel his arms wrap around me, he gives me a long kiss.

"Did you have fun?"

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you. I did have a good time, I enjoyed getting to know everyone a little better."

"Don't worry, I wasn't really in a deep sleep, I was up a while ago with Logan." He pulls me nice and close and we talk a bit about my night, and we drift off to sleep.

**Carter**

I can't believe how strongly I am feeling for Wendall, it just kind of snuck up on me, and it just came out, without any thought, the 'I love you', and I realized it was true. I have fallen in love with her, and I want her to know it. And she said it back, without even the slightest hesitation, I feel like the luckiest guy on the planet.

This morning we are up and getting ready to leave for the airport. She is excited about the trip to see her parents, and maybe a bit nervous about meeting my dad. The car picks us up and we get to the airport in plenty of time for our flight. Wendall heads for the regular check in line, but I grab her hand and pull her into the first class line and in minutes we have our bags dropped off, and we are through the security checks.

We go sit in the first class lounge, and have a drink and some snacks while we wait for our flight.

"I could get used to this, I have never been in here." Wendall looks really comfortable in the oversized chair.

I just smile, and then I hear our flight called and so we go through the priority boarding line and get settled with Logan on my lap. The flight attendant comes by with refreshments while we wait for the rest of the passengers to embark, and the plane takes off on time.

The visit to her parents is uneventful, they are nice people, and make me feel very welcome. I got to meet them a couple months ago, and the visit went quite well, considering I was a total stranger showing up on their doorstep. Of course I had their grandson with me, they were thrilled to see him.

We are staying in the same hotel I used for my last visit, it is not too far from their retirement villa. It is nice to have a a bit of privacy, and it makes it easier on her parents as they are not well. We stay for a few days, then it is time for New York.

We land in New York pretty much on time, and the car is waiting to take us to the condo. I know Wendall has been to New York a few times, but this might be a different experience for her. Wendall loves the condo as soon as she sees it.

"How did you find this place, it is so great." We have a small terrace, and the condo is very upscale with hardwood floors, gourmet kitchen and top of the line furnishings, my grandparents having upgraded it a few years ago.

"I own it – my grandmother left it to me with her estate, they bought it quite a long time ago. I haven't decided whether to keep it or sell it."

"Wow, I think you should keep it, isn't this like prime real estate? And the view…"

"Okay, then we'll keep it for now. Wait until you see the rooftop garden, I'll show it to you tonight."

We take Logan and go out for a bit, my dad has left a message that we are going to a pretty upscale restaurant tonight, and Wendall hasn't brought anything quite dressy enough. We find her a very sexy little black cocktail dress, so she is going to look amazing tonight. We stop at another store, and I treat myself to a new Armani suit as well.

We dress and kiss Logan goodnight, I have found a highly recommended nanny service that I have used a couple time in New York, so we have the evening with just adults for a change. We arrive at the restaurant and my dad is already seated, so they escort us in, and we are getting quite a few appreciative looks, Wendall is gorgeous in her new dress. My dad stands as we reach the table and I introduce them.

"Wendall, this is my dad, Jack Carter."

"Nice to finally meet you Wendall. Good to see you John." He shakes my hand, never one for public displays of affection. He gives me a look with a raised eyebrow, which I take to mean he approves – and how could he not, she is simply beautiful tonight.

Dinner conversation flows fairly well, my dad asks Wendall about her work, and she is articulate and seems comfortable, even though my dad is not always the warmest individual. He seems quite taken with Wendall though, and is more pleasant than usual. We get through the meal and dessert, then Wendall excuses herself to the ladies room.

My dad looks impressed.

"Well, John, I really like this girl, you know how to pick them. Your other girlfriends, the ones I have met anyway, have all been nice, and quite attractive, but this one is special, you better marry her."

"Well, it is something I have been thinking about if that makes you happy. She is definitely special, I just don't want to rush it."

My dad laughs, I can tell I am about to get some comeback I am not going to like.  I can read him like a book.

"Rush it huh. You have a baby with her, but getting married would be rushing it? I don't understand you."

Yup, there it is, the classic dig, he can never just say something nice, something supportive, it always has to be some sort of criticism.  I don't get to answer him as Wendall returns to the table, and we make plans to meet him tomorrow so he can see his grandson. My dad picks up the bill, which surprises me, but I don't argue, and we say goodnight.

Wendall and I walk back towards the condo, holding hands with our fingers entwined.

"That went really well, he likes you a lot."

Wendall stops and smiles up at me.

"Good, it wasn't as bad as I expected, I was quite worried about tonight. I can tell it is tense between the two of you, but he was very nice to me." We share a long and warm kiss, then continue to stroll along Madison Avenue.

"He is not usually like that, so thank you, it was a good evening. I think you deserve a reward for unthawing Jack Carter, not easy to do. Major coup. Think about what you would like."

"Oh don't worry, I will." She says this with a little suggestive grin.

We get back to the condo, but before we go in I take her up to see the rooftop. It is quite spectacular, and deserted at this time of the night. It is covered in lush foliage with some seating, a nice secluded greenspace, you would not even know you were in such a highly populated area.

"Oh, I love this, you definitely need to keep this place, I want to come back."

"Then I am definitely keeping it, and we can try and come out every few months. My dad is here too, so I am sure he will love the visits."

Wendall snuggles up to me and wraps her arms around my neck and I lean down to kiss her. It is peaceful here, and we lose ourselves in our own world until I feel her shiver a little.

"We should go in, its cooling off now. And the nanny probably wants to go home."

I pay the nanny and arrange for her to come back in a couple days, then she leaves. We peek in at Logan, he is sleeping and it is quite late, so we head into the bedroom. Wendall turns and asks me to undo her dress. I kiss her neck and slowly unzip her dress, sliding it off her shoulders, and am met with a nice surprise, very sexy lingerie.

"Very nice, when did you get this? I don't think I have seen it before."  Very, very sexy, her tiny waist, full soft breasts, she is driving me a bit crazy just looking at her.

"Just a little something I picked up the day Susan and I went shopping. You like?" she gives a little turn.

"Mmmmm, very much, how could I not." I can't take my eyes off her, and I grab her hand to pull her closer, and she loosens my tie and starts working on undoing my shirt. She is an incredible woman, and I whisper without thinking "I love you Wendall."

The next morning we sleep a little later, until we hear Logan waking up, then we get up and make breakfast. We shower, dress, and head over to meet my dad at the park, so he can visit Logan. The four of us end up going to a casual restaurant, and having a pretty good evening. We are here only one more day, and my dad has to leave on business, but it has been a great visit overall. As we part, my dad gives Wendall an unexpectedly long embrace.

"I hope I see you again soon Wendall."

He gives me a very quick hug, but has some very quiet words that he whispers so she cannot overhear.

"Marry her." He walks away without a backward glance.

I can't disagree with him, I have been thinking the very same thing, I think I need to marry this girl.


	29. Chapter 29

**Wendall**

I am excited to be on the plane, we are heading to Arizona to see my parents. John has booked us first class, and he seems totally comfortable with it, and I suspect this is usual for him. A girl really could get used to this, he is spoiling me beyond my wildest expectations.  It is not overt or flashy what he does for me, rather it is all the little day to day things.

How he kisses me every time he comes into the room, how he opens doors for me, touches me so casually but warmly.  He is not afraid to hold my hand or put an arm around me in public.  He is always buying me little things, and he is extremely attentive and helpful when it comes to Logan.

The visit with my parents goes well, but the big surprise is John's dad. He is not at all what I expected, though I can sense some tension between them, and I know he may put on a different face for social situations such as this. He is nice but a little distant, but as the evening goes on, he warms up considerably. I think I have won him over, and John confirms it after we leave dinner. He is almost shocked at how well it went and remarks how much his dad liked me. I am truly happy, and John remarks about a reward for thawing out his dad, but I feel like I already have everything I need or could ever want. I have a found a man I love very much, someone who I can see spending the rest of my life with, I wonder if he can see it in my eyes. Or if his dad could see how much I love his son.

We get back to the condo, and he shows me the rooftop garden, and I am glad he is going to keep this place. It is magical up here, I have never enjoyed New York City this much. We go in as it cools off outside, and send the nanny home. I entice John to undo my dress, and find out he does appreciate my expenditure on the La Perla, and he tells me he loves me, the evening ends perfectly.

We have another visit with his dad the next day, and Jack seems to enjoy the time with his grandson. He gives me a big hug at the end of the day, and says something very quietly to John which I don't catch. John has a bit of smile on his face, but he doesn't tell me what his dad said.

We have Logan in his stroller, so we walk around Central Park for a while, I haven't spent much time there, so I enjoy the tour. Later we go back to the condo, put Logan to bed and then watch a movie before we head to bed.

We make love, and spend some time cuddling and talking. I ask him what his dad said to him, and he only shares a little.

"He really likes you, and he didn't mind sharing that with me. This is probably one of the best visits we have had, so I guess I have to thank you for that, I was kind of dreading it."

The next day the nanny comes in the late morning, and we go out. John surprises me with some shopping in the high end shops which are numerous in the area. I can't believe how much he buys for me, I protest, but he says it's my reward. I tell him I already collected the other night, which earns a smile and a big kiss, but he still spoils me. He has all the purchases sent to the condo, the doorman will keep them at the desk until we get back, I guess this happens a lot in New York.

"I hope you don't mind making a couple more stops on the way back?"

"No, not at all."

We walk along 5th, and he pulls open the door at none other than Harry Winston. I give him a curious look, but he just says he has an heirloom ring that he wants checked over. We go in and he pulls out a magnificent sapphire and diamond ring, and asks if the jeweler can check the claws and clean it for him. The jeweler seems happy to accommodate, it is an older ring made by Harry Winston that was part of the estate, and apparently quite a valuable piece.

I wander around, and the jeweler with John nods at one of the jewelers in the store.

"Marcus, Dr. Carter and I are going to be a few minutes, I need to check the complete setting on this ring, why don't you show our guest some of our beautiful rings." I glance over at John, I don't want to seem presumptuous looking at expensive engagement rings in front of my boyfriend, but he nods.

"Go ahead, we are no hurry, and this will take some time. Just don't get too attached to anything." He winks at me.

The jeweler pulls out some absolutely beautiful diamond rings, and asks me which ones I like best. They all have good size diamonds, but I see a few that stand out, and he lets me try them all on. I find one that I fall in love with, an emerald cut diamond with emerald cut baguettes on the side. It is has some smaller diamonds running down the band as well, it is very classy but has a nice sparkle to it as well. I don't hear John come up behind me, he leans over my shoulder with his arms around my waist and gives me a little kiss on my neck.

"Hmmmm, that looks good on you." He takes my hand and holds it out, turning it so it catches the light, and it is breathtaking.

The jeweler comments on the ring, talking about the center stone – an incredible 3 carats, with total weight of over 5 carats with the other diamonds, noting it is a platinum setting.

"It has a very high quality stone, this one is an E, and internally flawless. We don't emerald cut anything but the highest quality diamonds, it needs to be a colourless and flawless. You can get away with a slightly lesser grade diamond if you go with other cuts, but all our diamonds are top quality."

I take it off my finger and hand it back with a little laugh.

"It is gorgeous, I absolutely love it, but I was told not to get attached to anything." I can only imagine what that ring must cost, this is one of the most famous jewelers in the country and that is a very large high quality diamond. There is not a price tag in sight, so I am guessing if you have to ask, you shouldn't even be in here. I feel like I have been granted a rare treat, to try on actual Harry Winston rings.

John gives me a little squeeze. "Tried on everything you wanted to see?"

"I think I tried on almost every ring in the display, so yes, I think we can go." I joke with him.

"As a consolation, why don't you wear this one for the rest of the afternoon." He slides the sapphire ring onto my right hand ring finger, and it is so beautiful and fits perfectly. The jeweler we are with looks at it.

"Very nice, looks about 5 carats, cushion cut sapphire with diamond halo, micro pave on the band which is platinum. That is a vintage piece, very high quality stone if I am not mistaken. I am guessing it is at least 30 years old." Boy, these guys really know their jewelery, to just know that much with a quick look.

John smiles. "It was my grandmothers, she received it as an anniversary gift probably 35 years ago. I wanted to make sure the stones were secure before it was worn again." He looks at me. "You can take care of it for me for the evening."

We leave the store and make a couple more stops. I keep looking at the ring I am wearing, John notices and smiles at me.

"I am thinking you like that ring. You know you are welcome to wear it when we go out for dinners, like when we go to the benefit. Just let me know and I will get it out of the safe for you."

"You would be okay with me wearing it out?"

"Sure, it is a beautiful piece, it would be nice to see someone wear it and enjoy it.  I think my grandmother would love to see it worn." He gives my hand a kiss. "It suits you."

We go back to the condo and the doorman brings up all our packages, I see John slide him a tip as I start to unpack everything. The nanny admires some of the purchases, then she leaves for the evening. We decide to order in and spend some time with our son, since we have been out all day. We have one last day in New York, with a flight at 7 pm tomorrow night. After dinner we relax on the couch.

"Will you be okay for a bit tomorrow morning?" John asks.

"Sure, you going out?"

"I have a quick appointment in the morning, just a little business to take care of before we go home tomorrow night. I'll leave you the extra key in case you want to take Logan out for a while. I should be back before noon, I'll take you for lunch and we can enjoy the park, or maybe go to the zoo before we have to head to the airport?"

"That sounds fun, I will get packed up in the morning, then we can have the whole afternoon."

I snuggle up to John on the couch, it has been a busy day and I am tired. I think about the trip to Harry Winston and can't help but hold up my hand and admire the ring I am still wearing.

"This ring is so beautiful, I am going to have a hard time taking it off." John takes my hand entwines his fingers with mine, and looks at the ring on my finger.

"Well, you have the open offer to wear it…might have to change your name to Carter though."

I laugh. "I might be persuaded to do that, if a certain doctor asks me, makes the right offer." I tease him.

"Just what kind of offer are you looking for?" he ask this softly, kissing my neck with soft feathery kisses.

I tip my head up to kiss him, and we get a little sidetracked for a couple minutes as the kiss deepens. We break apart and John leans his forehead against mine.

"So?" He asks softly.

"Mmmmm, the offer?" Is he actually saying what I think he is saying? If he is saying he wants me to be Mrs. Carter, I think the answer is YES! "What kind of offer are you making?"

"Maybe it's more of question than an offer…" He leaves that hanging there for a moment, then kisses me again. It is getting a little hot and steamy in here. He is back to running kisses down my neck, and I am playing with the hair at the nape of his neck, which I know drives him crazy, in a good way.

I murmur back. "If it's the right question, I think I would have to say yes." He reclaims my lips for a moment, then scoops me up, heading to the bedroom.

"I'll keep that in mind." He whispers against my ear.

**Carter**

I treat Wendall to some shopping today, we buy her a few nice items, and I also get to see what size she wears. I know her birthday is still a couple months away, in September, but I have a good idea for her present. We also make a stop at Harry Winston, I brought along a ring my grandmother had left me, I wanted to get it checked over, the stone is very valuable and I want to make sure it is secure in the setting. I think maybe Wendall would want to wear it to the benefit if it works with the dress, which I have yet to see.

I took advantage of the opportunity as well to see what Wendall likes in rings. I am certain I want to marry her, and I want to give her something special.

I do have my great grandmother's ring still in the safe, but I don't feel right about giving it to Wendall. I was going to give that to Abby, and especially since they know each other, and both Abby and Susan saw that ring, I am going to go for something totally different. So I encouraged Wendall to try stuff on, a little discreet word to the jeweler, they had her at the engagement ring display, trying on some different styles with the approximate size of stone I suggested. She seemed quite taken by one of the emerald cut diamonds, so I made sure I had a chance to see it on her hand and it was perfect.

Impressive enough, but also something that she can wear to work, and it looked just right on her.

While the jeweler was looking at my grandmother's ring, I quietly asked if he might fit me in for an appointment the following morning, as I had a flight back to Chicago. He was happy to accommodate me, just say Dr. and it opens a lot of doors, so I am seeing him at 9 am. It takes a couple months to get a ring made, so I think the timing will be good.

I let her wear the sapphire ring for the rest of the day, I can tell she loves it, and it does look good on her. I know she will appreciate a good piece of jewelery and it allows me to find out what she is thinking, opens the conversation. I don't want to ask the actual question quite yet, I want to have the ring, and do it properly, but I also want to give her a bit of a clue that I'm thinking about us, our future. I want to find out if she might want the same thing.  

Something I have learned, don't assume.  I think from her response she would say yes if I asked, so I am taking the leap.

Here I am at Harry Winston. I have them pull out the ring she tried on, and the jeweler can tell me what size she is, they are very good at their jobs. The 3 carat looked perfect on her, but I have them make a couple small revisions. I like the center stone in the emerald cut, with the emerald cut baguettes on each side, but I trade in some of the micro pave diamonds on the band for a two tapered baguettes, then finish off the band with three sided micro pave that stops just before the bottom. It leaves some room for sizing and I think will be more comfortable to wear this way. There is a bit of intricate design to the platinum band as well. I choose the best diamonds they have – D in colour and flawless. The jeweler nods, and says it will look spectacular, and I should hope so, this is going to cost more than the average ring.

I guess it's true, you don't even look at a ring at Harry Winston unless you are willing to spend 6 figures on it, but I am okay with it.  I could tell she loved the ring, and there were some spectacular choices, but she picked that one.

We figure out what wedding band will match the best, and end up with a platinum band, which is set with diamond baguettes that run the entire circumference, it will sit nicely against her engagement ring. The result is elegant, something I think she will be able to wear to work – I don't want to give her something she can never wear. I am also looking at the best quality diamonds to give the right look, as noted by the jeweler, you can't emerald cut poor quality diamonds and I like quality. This will be a forever piece of jewellery, or I really hope so.

I place the order with a substantial deposit of 50% of the ring cost, they will start making the ring in the next few days, after they source and cut the diamonds. This is truly a custom piece, so I hope she really does love it, no returns allowed. I will have to come back to view and pick up the ring in a couple months, but they can email me pictures as they work on it, which I say would be perfect.

I also get a picture of the ring I have modeled it off of for reference.

I walk into the condo, and Wendall comes out of the kitchen, giving me a very nice kiss.

"You're back, perfect timing, Logan has napped and had a bit to eat, so we are almost ready to go."

"Great, let me change into something a little more casual, this suit is a bit much for the zoo." I put on some of the new jeans I purchased the day before and a nice but more casual shirt. We both do a quick run through the condo to make sure we haven't left anything important unpacked, as we won't have a lot of time later to finish getting ready for the airport. We put Logan in his stroller and we are out the door.

"What did you do this morning?" I entwine my fingers with Wendall's as we walk.

"Oh, slept in a bit, got Logan fed, gave him a bath, finished packing, and the morning just flew by. How did your meeting go?"

"Good, got everything done, so I can relax now for the afternoon. I haven't been to the zoo here in years."

"I've never been, so it will be fun. Logan is getting so curious about everything, and he was trying to pull himself up using the sofa today, so we need to get those baby gates installed very soon."

"I'll do that this week. I will have to keep an eye on him, I don't want to miss him starting to walk, though 7 months is pretty early, so I think we have a bit of time yet."

"I don't know, he was trying pretty hard to stand. I can't believe he over 7 months old now, he is growing so fast."

We go into the zoo and look around, Logan is very awake and interested in everything that is going on. It is a nice afternoon, I love every minute of the day, it really feels like we are a family, the three of us. Too soon we have to go back to the condo, we stop and grab something to eat on the way by the deli, as we missed having lunch. We eat, make sure everything is packed and the car arrive to take us to the airport.

We get home quite late, but I know I have enjoyed our time away. Wendall seems happy too, and I think we will need to do a bit more traveling together.


	30. Chapter 30

**Jack**

I walk away at the end of my visit with John and Wendall and I have to hand it to John, he has really outdone himself with this one. I was skeptical, I don't deny it, but I like her, I like her a lot, and I made sure John knew this, not that he is likely to take much advice from me.

His mother and I tried really hard for a while to get him to date the right girls from our social circle, but John never seemed interested, he dated who he wanted. Not that we were around that much, one of my great regrets in life, my son seems to almost hate me sometimes, at the very least he resents me, thinks I was not a good father to him.

I cannot argue that point, I _know_ I wasn't a good father. A good father would have been there every birthday and Christmas, would have supported his son's decision to be a doctor without hesitation, wouldn't have taken three weeks to come home after finding out their son had been stabbed twice in the back by a crazy patient. A good father wouldn't have left again within 24 hours, pretending that their son was okay, when clearly he wasn't. Maybe he wouldn't have turned to drugs if I had been a better father. I still feel like I am a little in denial about this, I can't picture my son as a drug addict. I know he wasn't shooting heroin on street corners, but if he hadn't been caught, the people he works with hadn't cared so much, is that where he would be now? Another Chase? Seems like I am not the only one in my family who failed a son, and I feel it is just blind luck that my son is still alive, while Chase is not.

The truth is, I let Eleanor drag me away, I put her first, and look how that turned out. We lost Bobby and she couldn't deal with it, so I allowed her to shut out the son we had left, live in a bubble as John so eloquently put it when I was home for my fathers' funeral a few years ago. John was 10 years old, when his brother died, and I can't imagine what was going through his head, when Eleanor and I just disappeared on him, because that is what we did, we disappeared. Sure, we would show up once or twice a year to play happy family, but it was just to make ourselves feel better, to deny what was really going on.

Fortunately, my parents were there, they made sure he was okay, taken care of, his grandmother became his substitute mother. I sometimes wonder if maybe it was fate, and for the best that Eleanor was not around John more. Eleanor has always been a bit cold, and reserved, she doesn't handle things well, maybe John is a better person, being raised by John Sr. and Millicent, rather than his mother and I. I have to think this is the truth, he is how and who he is for a reason, and how he grew up is certainly part of it. And though I have never told him this, I find I am proud of him, he seems to have become a good person, a good father, a great doctor and hopefully he will have the chance to be a good husband.

I have rarely agreed my sons' decisions, I didn't want him to be a doctor, I wanted him to be a business man. But John insisted, and we decided it was easier to let him work through the _phase_ , that is what we called it, so his grandparents paid for his medical school, and he did very well. I know he was accepted into surgery, and we were happy, until he decided it was not what he wanted, and he changed to emergency medicine. I have never seen him at work, I never go into the hospital, I don't have the stomach for it, but my son, he deals with trauma, the worst of the worst every day and it seems he is very good at it.

He also has another side, risking his life to go work as a volunteer in the Congo, and as I recently found out he also spent a few months in Darfur, in some of the worst imaginable conditions. I did look up some information on Darfur after John said he had been volunteering as a doctor in an IDP camp. I was horrified to find out what is going on there, that my son put himself in the middle of a genocide. It gave me a whole new respect for him, he is a braver man than I am. He didn't go into detail, he just told me he was between the Congo and Paris for a few months, until he and Kem permanently split up, and then he went to Darfur. 34 years old and he has seen things I can't even imagine, don't really want to imagine, I want to ask him to never go back, but I don't have that right, he is a grown man, not the 10 year old boy I left behind.

I was not happy with John, when my mother decided to leave everything to her favourite grandson, which I guess is unfair since he didn't seem exactly thrilled with the situation either. Despite the fact they had a bond I will never have with him, despite the fact that he was there, took care of her, made sure she was taken care of in the last few years of her life, I still am angry she chose him. I am her son, but as John pointed out, she was disappointed in me – he looked me right in the eye and said it, and I know it is true, just as he knows it's true. I abandoned my son, I wasn't the father I should have been for him, I don't know that there is any way I can ever make that up to him. I need to find a way to make peace with the situation, but I have become a pro at holding onto my anger.

John on the other hand, despite the fact that he seems to be doing the family thing backwards, twice in a row no less by having a child first then think about marriage, appears to have it figured and become the better man. I was truly unhappy when he came back from Africa with Kem, and she was obviously about 7 months pregnant when I met her. I was too worried about what everyone would think, but John just didn't care – he loved her, and she loved him, it was easy to see. He was beyond devastated when they lost that baby, maybe the only time I was ever any good to him, I stuck around and made sure he was okay, at least initially anyway. I know what it is to lose a child, and it was torture to watch my own son go through that kind of loss, I was worried it would destroy him but he is stronger than I give him credit for, and he dealt with his grief. Though it did turn out to be the end for him and Kem, she retreated into herself, much like his mother did when we lost Bobby. And he had the strength to recognize the truth, and end the relationship, the courage to give himself a chance to be happy, something I only was able to do recently.

When John showed up in New York a few months ago to introduce me to my grandson Logan I made it hard on him. He could tell I considered him irresponsible, and I picked a fight with him, challenged if Logan was _really_ his son. Not that I actually doubted it, that boy was a Carter, he has John's eyes, and he was a beautiful baby, and my son loves him, it is obvious. I can't explain, I guess I still resent his grandmother choosing him over me, leaving him everything, even knowing that John didn't really _want_ it like I did. So I said some things that I knew would make him angry, would bring out the worst in both of us.

John didn't back down, he stood up to me, and basically let me have it – it was not pretty, but he said some things that I think he needed to say for a long time. Put me in my place in a lot of ways, and it made me realize, really acknowledge what kind of damage I have done to my son. Damage I can never repair. Then he walked away, and I knew the next move was mine, and if I didn't make it, I would never see him or my grandchild again, outside of necessary business for the Foundation. I found out later that he had the DNA testing done, and put it on file with his will, I had definitely made him worry that I would try to make things difficult for his son to inherit anything. He wanted to make absolutely sure that I would have no ammunition, that he could ensure his son and Wendall for that matter, were taken care of, not denied the support they were entitled to if something happened to him.

I have to respect him for that, he knew what he had to do, he took responsibility for the child, his son, when many in his position would have fought and tried to get away with paying as little as possible. From what I understand, he has been pretty much a full time dad for months, he decided not to go back to work until he knew Wendall was going to be okay, he took the time to get to know his son.

It has taken many tries on my part, continuous small steps, but I have let John know that I do want to be part of my grandson's life and his life as well. I am not sure he fully trusts me, I have certainly given him reason not to, I threatened the future of his son. Something I should never have done, if he wants to support the child, who was I to say he shouldn't? He has money in his own right, from his work as a doctor and his own trust fund. And of course, he was right, Logan is his son, there is no question, but I caused unnecessary conflict, and now I have to rebuild our relationship from square one. So I was happy when he said he was bringing Wendall to meet me, and I would have a chance to see my grandson. I recognize is a big step for John to do this, sadly with Kem I was less than welcoming, so I am sure he warned Wendall that this might happen and to not take it personally.

Wendall was a very pleasant surprise. They walked into that restaurant in Manhattan, and I almost didn't realize that it was _my own son_ walking towards me, they turned some heads, the two of them together. I have seen John dressed up before of course, but they made quite the couple. She is not just a beautiful woman, but she has a presence when she enters a room, as does John and you could feel it when they crossed the room.

I soon found she was also extremely intelligent, articulate, and a very warm, caring woman, the kind of woman I now wish I had married. I would not normally have thought a Social Worker was going to be a good match for my son, but I could see that she truly is in love with him, and that he cares equally about her. I found myself enjoying the visit more than I could have imagined, and I couldn't help but tell John he needs to marry this girl. I thought that maybe I had jinxed it, that he would decide to if I liked her that she is not the girl for him, but he admitted he was definitely thinking about it.

We spent a bit more time together the next afternoon, and it was a great visit, I don't think I have felt that comfortable around my son for a long time. The three of them look like a family, I think she would make him very happy, has already made him very happy, and I hope he holds onto this one. He has some difficult relationships, Abby was a nice girl but she just didn't fit into John's life like she should have, and as much as I tried to make light of it, she did make some huge mistakes that doomed the relationship. I don't know the whole story, but she was remarkably absent the week after my mother died, and I came to learn her brother had health issues. Abby was too busy babysitting her brother to have time for John that week, and I am not oblivious to the fact that my son really needed her to be there. She should have been his emotional support, and she couldn't give it, John couldn't forgive it. And right after that came Kem, which turned out no better for him, though for much different reasons.

In my view, Wendall really is the perfect woman for him, she will be able to handle herself in our world and this is a bigger deal than I think John realizes. He is one of the wealthiest men in Chicago, even though he seems to lead a pretty low key life the majority of the time. That is strange to me, our family has always had money, with the birth of Logan that is the 5th generation of Carters that have been wealthy.

John seems so young to have so much power and responsibility, but he has stepped up in a way I couldn't anticipate. He is well on his way to completing a major project, building a $150 million health care facility, a departure from the original intent of the foundation, but I am sure his grandmother knew what she was doing. John is focused, and I have never given him enough credit.

I think one day I will have to see him at work, and see what he does, what his life is like. Wendall and I had a short conversation when John excused himself for a few minutes and it was very enlightening. I learned that John is respected at County, he is a very aggressive and talented trauma doctor, and he supervises and teaches student doctors and residents in addition to seeing patients. He apparently is very good with the patients too, he has a way of getting through to them, and making a difficult situation better. He and Wendall met at County, they worked together in the ER, then started dating, though I am unclear how long they dated or why they broke up, why John did not know about Logan until after the fact, but I don't think I can ask those questions.

The number of lives he must have saved in his time as a doctor, the difference he has made in people's lives, not only in Chicago, but in Africa, is humbling to me. I have never let myself picture this about my son, he has devoted his life to saving others' lives, not in a fancy practice, but at a county hospital, taking care of people who cannot afford the level of health care I have enjoyed my entire life.

I only wish his mother could bring herself to be part of his life. She has disappeared entirely, it sounds like John has not seen or heard from her for about 4 years. I know she tried to put him in the middle of our divorce, tried to get my contact information out of him. Then when he didn't play along, she left, and he hasn't seen her since. And I think he simply doesn't want to see her, he never expects her to come back. It is possible that she won't come back, I don't know if she emotionally capable of dealing with John, I think there was a great deal of confrontation that last time she was around. If how he put me in place is any indication, he is not afraid to say what is on his mind, which is likely why she has disappeared again.


	31. Chapter 31

**Wendall**

We have been home from New York for a few days, and I have not yet had a chance to have a coffee with Susan, so we arrange to have brunch with them the Sunday morning after the benefit which is coming up quickly. I know we need to catch up, I told her briefly it went well, but no details of the trip.

John has been busy working on his papers, and I have had a couple meetings, getting ready to go back to work, just on a part time basis to start. They need me one day a week at Northwestern, then I will be covering at County for a while, as one of my colleagues is on leave. John has been talking to Susan as well, so I think he is going to be picking up one shift per week for a while, he wants to keep his skills up, and he has been out of the ER for over a year. So very soon we will both be working, albeit very part time.

Saturday night arrives, and I am getting ready to go. I put on the dress and shoes and then look through my jewellery and sadly I think that I don't really have anything that does justice to the dress. John comes into our room and takes a look at me as he is working on his bow tie. He is an expert at ties, that is for sure, and he looks really good, I can't wait to walk in with him.

"Wow, you look beautiful, that is an amazing dress." He walks over and gives me kiss.

"Thank you, you don't look so bad yourself, I think you need to wear a tux more often." I am looking through my jewellery in frustration, holding up a piece and then putting it back.

"What's the matter, you look great."

"Oh, I just didn't think about what necklace I was going to wear with this dress, and I just can't find anything that works."

He grabs my hand.

"Hey, don't worry, come here for a minute." He pulls a ring box out of his jacket. "I didn't forget the promise." He opens the box and slips the sapphire ring onto my right hand ring finger. He looks at me for a second. "I'll be right back."

I am not sure what he is up to but he disappears. I hold out my right hand and admire the ring, it sparkles and catches the light. Then John is back with some velvet boxes which he puts on the top of his dresser, he chooses one and opens it, and takes out a stunning diamond necklace. I think my jaw drops, as he steps behind me and puts the necklace on me, fastening the catch. I look at him, he gestures to the mirror and I step over and look. I give a little gasp, the necklace is perfect with the dress, I reach up to touch it.

"John, this is so gorgeous." I whisper it softly, I feel like I am going to cry.

John smiles and opens the next box, and offers me matching earrings. I can't believe this is happening, but I take them and fasten them in my ears, then take another look in the mirror. But he is not done, he opens the last box, and it is a bracelet, that perfectly matches the necklace. He wraps it around my left wrist and does the catch.

"Absolutely beautiful."

"Where did you get these?"

"Jewellery from the estate, I have a bit of a collection now I guess. You wear it well, when we go out you can use any of the jewellery, my grandmother would love that someone is able to enjoy it."

We share a very deep kiss, I feel like a princess wearing these gorgeous jewels and amazing dress.

"Ready?"

I nod, and he takes my hand and escorts me down the stairs, and holds my coat for me. The babysitter comes out and looks at us.

"Wow, you both look amazing. Have a great evening."

John opens the door, and I give a little laugh, there is a limo waiting for us. The driver is out in an instant and opens the door, John takes my hand and assists me in, then follows. We pull away from the curb, I lean back in the leather seat and look over at John, who reaches over to take my hand.

"Can't say I have ridden in a limo more than a couple times."

"Well, my first car was a limo." He jokes with me.  "I haven't ridden in one for a while though on nights like this it is nice not to have to drive."

In no time we are at the museum, John waits while the driver opens the door, steps out, then takes my hand to help me out. He places his hand on my back and walks me up the carpet, we have to stop a couple times as a photographer takes pictures, then he whisks me through the door, not waiting in the line to go in.

"Good evening Dr. Carter."

John nods as we go through, and we go to the coat check. People are just starting to arrive, and John seems to know quite a lot of them. He keeps a hand on my back as he greets some people, and he introduces me, I can't keep all the names straight.

A stunning blond comes up and gives him a big hug.

"John, where have you been. It has been ages, we thought you disappeared off the planet!"

John disengages himself from her and he wraps his arm around my waist.

"Hi Tiffany, it has been a while. Tiffany, this is Wendall."

"Oh nice to meet you Wendall" Tiffany gives me a bit of a curious look, I can see her noting the ring and the jewellery.

"How is Jim doing? Is he here tonight?"

"Oh, he is pretty good, his dad keeps him busy, you know, the family business. He's around here somewhere. I heard you took over the Foundation, about time you joined the land of the living again. The guys are working on a diving trip, to Belize, but us ladies are insisting we get to come along this time, you should come, it would be fun."

"I'll think about it, chartering a boat again?"

"Yes, it will be party all night and day. Oh, there is Jim, I will try to get him over here to say hi." She flounces off towards a handsome guy about John's age.

"I went to school with her, and Jim Davis, I think they have been married about 5 years now. Kind of lost touch when I went to Africa."

"She sure seemed happy to see you."

"Well we have known each other a long time. It's nice to see her too."

John gets me a glass of champagne, and himself a drink from the bar, and then we spend some time talking to various people. Everyone seems to know him, there are quite a few high profile people here, including the mayor who turns out to be Tiffany's dad.

"John, nice to see you, it has been quite a while. Who is this lovely lady?"

John introduces me and chats with the mayor for a while, then we move on. It is a whirlwind of names and faces, but John is totally comfortable. Finally he is called up to make the cheque presentation, and he says a few words about the charity. I see someone appear beside me out of the corner of my eye and I look over to see Tiffany.

"So, are you John's girlfriend? I heard he was involved with someone."

"Yes, John and I have been together for a while now."

"We went to school together, I married Jim Davis, he and John were really good friends back then." She smiles "They went to university together too, in the same frat house, then John got pretty busy with med school. It is nice to see him, I am not sure where he has been the past few years."

"Just busy with work I guess, as a doctor he put in a lot of time at the hospital, and he did spend some time in Africa as well. Now of course he is busy with the Foundation business, working on some article for publication, and being a dad, though he might go back to the hospital soon too, just a couple shifts a week."

Tiffany does a double take.

"John has kids? I hadn't heard he started a family, that is news."

"We have a son, Logan, he's just over 7 months old now."

Tiffany is watching me.

"Wow, so you and John are pretty serious then, if you have a baby together. But you're not married."

"Yes, we are serious, no not married, but we live together."

Tiffany gives a little laugh. "That must thrill his mom and dad. Where are they anyway, haven't seen Jack or Eleanor around for a while."

"Jack is in New York, I'm not sure where Eleanor is to be honest."

"Not surprising, John was never very close with his parents, especially his mom. Well, if John decides to come diving, you will have to join the ladies. The group really is a lot of fun, and John can be a real practical joker. Have you ever been to Belize?"

"No, I haven't traveled as much as John has, he has been all over the place."

"So you said he was in Africa too? What was he doing there?"

"He volunteered as a doctor for an NGO in the Congo, and he was in Darfur at an IDP camp for a few months too."

"Oh, I have no idea where Darfur is, though I have a bit of an idea about the Congo. Not sure I would want to go there."

"No probably not, it is pretty rough there, he had some interesting experiences, but it is very dangerous, and getting worse every day. He has promised he won't go back now that we have Logan, too risky, I would worry about him too much."

"Dangerous? How so?"

"Well it is a war zone, basically. Genocide and 12 year olds running around with guns, so even though the doctors are there to help, they are not safe either. They have to be careful."

I can see Tiffany's face. "I had no idea. I think he has changed a lot from the guy I knew in high school and university."

"He has been through quite a lot the last few years, and seen things that I can't imagine."

"We really need to catch up with him. You two really need to think about coming to Belize with us, I promise it will be a great time. I know the guys have really missed him on their trips. We are all bringing our kids with us, you could bring your son. We have two weeks at a resort, if you like the water, there is lots to do."

"You should have Jim call him, does he have John's current numbers?"

"No, I think all of the numbers we have are old, do you mind giving me your home number? Maybe we could have coffee sometime, you could meet the other wives and I'd love to see Logan, I bet he is a cutie like his dad."

John is done his part, and he heads back towards us, but is stopped along the way by someone, who I think might be Jim. He looks over at me, and sees me with Tiffany, says something and points, then the two of them walk towards us.

"Wendall, this is Jim Davis, Tiffany's husband, and a friend of mine from school."

"So nice to meet you Wendall. Hey John, if you are done, why don't the four of us go grab a late dinner, or drinks. I have not seen you for ages."

"What do you think Wendall, feel like going out for a bit? We can call the babysitter."

Jim smiles. "Babysitter? Keeping some secrets aren't we John?"

"Not a secret, but Wendall and I do have an 7 month old son at home, so I'll see if the babysitter just wants to sleep in the guest room, or I can have the limo take her home later if she prefers."

"You have a limo tonight…I think we are riding with you, can you drop us off at home too, then we can have a few drinks with dinner."

I agree, I think it will be fun, so John calls home and the babysitter says she will just sleep at our house. John says a few goodbye, and then we gather our coats, and then we step out, a lot of people are starting to leave as it is getting late. The limo pulls up almost immediately and the driver is out to open the door. Jim hands Tiffany into the limo and then follows, then John assists me in and slides in after me. We head to a nice pub, so we can have food and some drinks. John is telling Jim a bit about Africa, and Tiffany asks me a bit about my work. Tiffany doesn't work at all which is strange to me, but she still seems to keep busy. The three start reminiscing about school.

Jim looks at me. "You probably don't know this, but I was really glad when John got so busy with medical school. He and Tiffany used to be quite the item, then after high school graduation they finally broke up. Best thing that ever happened, everyone thought they would end up getting married."

I look over at John, he rolls his eyes. "Thanks Jim. We never talked about getting married did we Tiffany. Tiffany ended up going away to school and I went to med school, and we were both busy and decided it was time to see other people." He squeezes my hand, but I honestly am not worried, he dated her almost 20 years ago, though it is nice to know she is a previous girlfriend.

Tiffany laughs. "No way, Jim is crazy, I think our parents thought it was a great idea, but neither of us wanted to get married, we were way too young."

It ends up being a terrifically fun night, I hear a lot of great stories about when they were in school and I like them both quite a lot.

**Carter**

The benefit goes well, we meet our target, plus I run into a couple of old friends, and we end up going out afterwards. Though I don't usually drink, I have a couple to be sociable, but the rest of the group have a few each, and we share a bunch of appetizers. I take off my tie and loosen my top button, and we all relax. We have a great time, Wendall seems to enjoy herself too.

Jim and Tiffany want to talk us into going diving in Belize, I will see what Wendall thinks later, I don't want to put her on the spot. But she gets along with Tiffany really well, even after Jim brings up that Tiffany and I dated in high school. The girls go do the mandatory ladies room trip together, and Jim looks at me.

"Wow, that is one terrific lady, John. How is it you haven't married her yet. Though I guess you have a kid together, and she is living with you?"

"You know me, I like to do things opposite of everyone else. Living together works for now, but...I'm working on it."

"Why are you waiting?"

"If I tell you, then you have to keep it to yourself, don't say anything to Tiffany, she cannot keep a secret."

"So, you have plans then?"

"Yes, I am just waiting to go pick up the ring, I have to go back to New York in a few weeks to get it."

Jim whistles. "So…if it's New York, it must be Harry Winston. Those take a while but they are very nice when they are done."

"I had to go in and get a piece from my grandmothers estate looked over and she saw one she loved. I didn't say anything, I just went back the next day and had a meeting with the jeweler, it is a surprise. I have things kind of worked out, if she says no then I'll just throw myself off the top of the hospital. Or maybe off the balcony at the Ritz, a more immediate death."

"Fat chance buddy, I am guessing you wouldn't have ordered it if you weren't pretty sure about her saying yes. And the way you two look at each other and act together, I don't think you have to worry. So I am glad you are making the leap, just not off the balcony, okay? The Ritz, huh, nice."

The girls come back so we change the subject, Jim makes another comment about the Belize trip.

"Wendall, you need to talk John into it, you should be able to get a room at the resort too, it is very nice, right on the beach. We have a blast, lots of sun and swimming, diving and snorkeling. There will be 5 couples if you and John decide to come, John knows most of them, there is just one couple you probably don't know."

"Tiffany mentioned we could bring Logan, but we will have to talk about it and let you know in a couple days."

We order another round of drinks, and play a bit of pool, then they shut down the pub, it is 3am. I page the limo, and pay the bill. The limo is waiting out front, I am glad none of us drove, we have all had a few by now, though no one is really drunk, we would definitely not be able to drive. We drop Jim and Tiffany off at their place, then we are heading home.

Wendall tips her head up and I lean down and kiss her. It has been a really good night.

"That was so much fun, John, I really like them. I think we should consider the trip, if you are up for it."

"Maybe, if you really want to go, we probably could, I asked not to be put on the schedule quite yet, and you said you still have 3 weeks before they need you back. I wouldn't mind going, they really are a fun group, and I haven't had a chance to go diving for a while. I didn't want to commit until I made sure you did want to go, we usually go for around 2 weeks, and that is a long time with a group of people especially since you don't know them."

"No, I think it would be great, so if you want to go, let's just go."

The limo drops us off and we go in very quietly. We peek in at Logan and he fast asleep, and the door to the guest room down the hall is closed. We go into our bedroom, and I give Wendall a kiss. Then I gently take off all the jewellery and put it back in the cases. She turns and has me unzip the dress, I start to kiss her neck and she turns in my arms and I capture her lips with mine. She lets her dress slide to the floor, and starts to undo my shirt. I lose the rest of my clothing on the way to the bed, I let her keep the sexy lingerie she is wearing, I work on that a little slower, after all she went to a lot of trouble to pick it out. We take our time, and end up wrapped up together in a tangle of sheets.

"Wow, that was…just wow." Wendall breathes this out softly.

"Mmmmmm, it was. I think we are not getting any sleep tonight, not that I'm complaining. At all." I untangle us a bit then start kissing her again.

"I love you." she whispers in my ear.

"I love you too." I murmur back and I think I just cannot get enough of her.

Some time later we are snuggled together, both exhausted, but happy. I look over at the clock and see it is almost time to get up, and we haven't even slept yet.

"This is going to be a rough day, I think naps will be in order later."

Wendall laughs. "Are you complaining? I kind of think we put the time to good use." She puts her hands on either side of my face and gives me a big kiss, then runs her hands through my hair.

"Nope, no complaints, at all. Maybe we should get showered and then go out for breakfast. I need lots of coffee, very strong coffee."

"Um John, remember we are meeting Susan, Chuck and Cosmo for breakfast and a visit to the park?"

"Right….okay we should really get up then." I crawl out of bed, and stumble into the bathroom, turning on the shower. I step in, then hear the shower door open behind me and Wendall comes in with me.

We both shower, and are dressed in a few minutes. Wendall goes in to get Logan up and ready, I go down and make some coffee, I need a pick me up after last night. Our babysitter comes down and into the kitchen.

"Good morning Dr. Carter, did you have a fun evening?"

"We did, thanks so much for staying. Do you have a ride home? Or do you want us to drop you off, we are going out in a bit and could take you."

"No, my boyfriend is picking me up in a few minutes."

I pay her including a generous tip since she stayed late and her boyfriend arrives, just as Wendall comes down with Logan. I glance at my watch and realize we need to leave so we can get over to the restaurant on time.

We get there at the same time as Susan and her family. She takes a look at us both.

"You both look a little tired this morning, did you get any sleep?"

"Well we had the benefit, then we ran into some old friends of John's so we went out for something to eat and drinks, closed the place down. Didn't get home until almost 4am, and we had to get up at 7."

Susan is watching Wendall closely.

"And still no sleep, what were the two of you doing for the other 3 hours."

I can see Wendall blushes just slightly and Susan picks up on it right away.

"Ohhh, I see."

Chuck looks at me with raised eyebrows, and I just shrug and smile.

"So, who did you guys go out with?"

"Oh Jim and Tiffany Davis, I went to school with them, and they happened to be at the benefit last night. I think Tiffany's dad brought them."

The hostess leads us to a table and we all sit, ordering coffee right away.

Wendall is looking at her menu.

"They want us to go to Belize with them, a diving trip, they have a boat chartered."

Susan looks up in surprise.

"Belize, wow, you just got back from New York and Arizona. Are you going?"

"I think we will, I haven't had a chance to dive in a while, and Belize is really beautiful, so I am sure Wendall will like it. The resort we usually stay in is right on the beach, nice pool, and they have lots to do if you like water sports, paddle boarding, kayaks, snorkeling, just about anything you can think of."

"Okay, I'm kind of jealous now. Sounds like fun. What about Logan though?"

"We can take him, some of the other couples have kids too, so there are lots of adults around to take care of them."

"Very nice. We should order before these two little guys get cranky."

We have breakfast, then are off to one of the very kid friendly parks for a couple hours. Chuck and I take the two boys to the playground and Wendall and Susan go to get us some cold drinks.

**Susan**

Wendall and I leave Chuck and John taking care of the boys at the park, and go to get some drinks, it is getting very warm out today.

"How did your trip to see your parents, and the trip to New York go? I am dying to hear."

"It was amazing. John booked us first class tickets, what a treat, never had such a good flight, priority check-in, boarding, and the lounge – I am not sure I can ever fly economy again. And he scored more points with my parents, I think my mom is almost as in love with him as I am."

I smirk "Ahhhh to be in love, I can tell, it is written all over you face. As for first class, get used to it honey, I don't think he flies anything else, unless he is forced too. Like maybe in Africa, but otherwise?"

"I noticed, the hotel was so nice, premium rental car, first class flights, I am quickly getting spoiled. Not to mention New York…..wow is all I have to say."

"Really? That good? What happened in New York?"

"Well, we get there and arrive at this swanky condo overlooking Central Park, and I'm thinking boy how much per night does this cost, then I find out he owns it. His grandparents bought it several years ago, and now it's his, so he has been using it whenever he goes to New York. He was thinking about selling it, but I told him he should keep it, and he said okay, _we_ would keep it. And we can go back to New York whenever I want."

"So, you tell him what to do now? And _we_ can keep it? Sounds like he is planning to keep you around for a while." I think maybe Carter has it pretty bad for Wendall too, he is certainly pulling out all the stops. He treated Abby pretty well, but not like this. And I had no idea he owned a place in New York, he has kept that to himself. "So how did the visit go with his dad? As scary as you expected?"

"No, Jack was very nice to me, and I guess he told John he likes me, which was quite unexpected. I guess it was an unusually pleasant visit, though I can sense things are not all that great between John and his dad. John and his dad had some discussion on one of his trips to New York, he didn't go into great detail, I think the whole thing upsets him and he not quite ready to talk. Whatever the story is, I think I need to wait for him to bring it up again, I didn't want to ruin the trip. Those two have a pretty tense and complicated relationship."

"Well it's good that Jack likes you, and at least Carter and his dad are talking, so it's a start. I got the impression John was pretty pissed at his dad about something too, but I didn't get all the details. That he is still talking to his dad is probably a minor miracle."

"John is trying to keep it civil and Jack was good with Logan and seemed to enjoy our visit. Maybe over time it will get better. Anyway the next day John took me shopping, which was fun."

"Shopping in New York, you are so lucky, boy he is spoiling you. And he is a good dad so he gets double points."

"Well, he might get more than double points when you hear the rest."

"Do tell, this is getting interesting."

"Okay…..so he wants to make another stop before we go back to the condo, and you will never guess where that stop was."

"Enough suspense, just tell me."

"John's grandmother left a ring in her estate, and he wanted to get it checked over as it's pretty old, so he took me into Harry Winston with him. While we are there, and John was busy getting the ring checked, one of the jewelers lets me try on all these diamond rings. These are like huge diamonds, no price tags in sight, and they are truly amazing – I don't think they let just anyone try them on, so I am pretty sure it had something to do with John ensuring they knew he was _Dr._ Carter."

"Yeah, I guess the Dr. title helps, I know I get better treatment if I make sure they know I am Dr. Lewis, I think they see the dollar signs. And maybe the ring he had with him too, it must be originally from that store. But, he made a point of taking you with him into Harry Winston? Did he encourage you to try the stuff on?"

"Sure, he told me weren't in a hurry, so go ahead, but then he told me not to get too attached to anything. These are not your average rings, I can't even guess how much they cost. I know he has a few nice pieces, but I wonder what else is hidden away in the jewellery box.

I know at least one other thing Carter has hidden away, and it is a pretty impressive diamond ring. I remember seeing it when he was dating Abby, when he almost asked her to marry him, he _almost_ gave that ring to Abby, but he didn't. I am not sure if he would think about using that ring again, or if he would look at getting a different one. And I don't know if Abby ever saw it, he didn't end up asking her that night, he wisely decided to wait. "I guess you would have to ask him. Wouldn't surprise me if there are a few more of the family jewels around somewhere _."_

"I know there are some, he's let me wear the ring twice now, and he had a diamond necklace, earrings and bracelet that he pulled out for me last night. They were his grandmothers too, the boxes were Cartier, so they were real. I was trying to find something to wear with the dress, I couldn't find anything I thought worked, and he appears with these incredible pieces of jewellery."

"Wow, I would love to see some of this stuff, he is allowing you to wear it?"

"I know, I kind of felt like a princess. He just said that his grandmother would like that someone was wearing it. Then we go out the door, and of course, he has a limo for us. Turned out to be a good idea though, since we both ended up drinking afterwards. It went really well though, I was nervous but everyone was really nice, and I had a chance to talk to Tiffany, we got along well."

"He is full of surprises, isn't he, but I get the impression he likes to spoil his girlfriends, and you are living with him, so you really need to get used to it. Sounds like you two are getting pretty serious fast."

"You could say that, I don't want to take advantage of it all, yet he makes it seem like it's not a big deal. He wants to share what he has, with me. It is overwhelming sometimes, but I have to say it is also really nice, I appreciate what he does."

"Well, he probably doesn't think it is a big deal, remember how he grew up, he has always had money. And if he is serious about being with you, then of course he is going to share it, I mean, Chuck and I share everything too, it is part of being in a serious relationship with someone."

"I know, but still Susan, it is a lot of change for me in a short time. Anyway, enough about me, what is new with you and Chuck?"

"Well, we are trying to have another baby. If we are going to do it, we need to soon."

"That is exciting Susan! Another baby, I bet Cosmo will love having a little brother or sister."

"How about you, have you thought about having more kids?"

I am not quite ready for another one, though I would definitely have another baby with John. But we haven't really talked about how many kids we want, though I guess we probably should discuss it."

"You should ask him, but I would be surprised if he doesn't want at least one more. Then again, you never know, maybe he wants a baseball team."

"Oh, I really hope not, I think 3 is my maximum, if he wants more than that…..no way, I am not a baby machine. So maybe 2 more, but one is more likely since I'm 34 and Logan is not quite a year yet. Too soon to have another one, I think."

"Not recommended to have them that close together, but it does happen. You need to talk to John about that though, if he hasn't given you any indication on if or when he wants more."

"No indication about kids, but…..we have been getting into other conversations, about something else."

"And what would that be….he obviously didn't pop the big question"

"No, but….that Sapphire ring, he let me wear it after we left the store, on my right hand mind you, but it kind of led into him making a joke about if I wanted to wear the sapphire too often I might need to change my name, and it kind of went from there with me saying that I would say yes, and he said he would keep that in mind. So he wasn't actually asking, it was more like he was asking me if getting married at some point was something I would want…so maybe it is only a matter of time, and he will ask me. And he did look at some of the rings I was trying on, and saw the one I liked the most"

My eyes widen a bit as I look at Wendall. "What did he say about the ring?"

"That it looked good on me, then I gave it back, I said I loved it but I wasn't allowed to get too attached, and he asked if I had tried on all the ones I wanted to see before we left. He said it like he was joking, but what if he wasn't...and those rings are crazy expensive, so I am not even going to go there."

I take my voice down to a whisper "Except you are dating a guy worth millions, who took you into Harry Winston and encouraged you to try on rings. I mean, he is funding a $150 million health center with family money, and you think he can't afford to buy a Harry Winston ring or something damn close?"

Wendall shakes her head "No way Susan, those rings must be like at least $100,000, probably more, he wouldn't really…..would he?"

"Oh, you don't know Carter very well if you think he wouldn't, he doesn't make a big deal about his money, but he likes quality. Look at his house, top end appliances, nice furniture, beautifully renovated. His clothes, Armani, Hugo Boss, Prada, even though at work he doesn't always dress up, he has some nice stuff. The BMW, which shocked the hell out of me, I never thought I would see him drive a BMW, though it makes sense, an AWD SUV when you have kids. His Jeep is not really a family car, so I get it. But, you never know Wendall, do you think you two are getting close to that point, you know getting married? You would for sure say yes?"

"Oh trust me Susan, I was thinking when John and I were talking the other night that if he asked me to be Mrs. Carter, I would be definitely saying yes. It's like us being together last year it was just meant to be, because I had Logan and I wouldn't take that back for anything. And Logan brought John back to Chicago, at least a few months before he would have come home on his own, and who knows if I would have seen him when he got back, who knows where I would be now. It's like we have been given the second chance, and I love being with him. We just….work as a couple, he is good to me, he is good to his son, and I have to say yes, I want to marry him."

"Well I think it is going to be when, not if he wants to marry you. You both just look - really happy. And I bet he isn't just going to say hey baby wanna get married, he is going to make it special, a night you are not going to forget. Correct me if I'm wrong, but he has a bit of a romantic side, he keeps it hidden but it's there. The fact you have gotten so close to him, I would be surprised if it isn't going through his mind."

"I think you're right. And he has a very sensitive caring side, I think that is why he is such a good doctor. It's funny, I wasn't sure about him when I first met him, then these little pieces started being revealed, and I began to understand that he was not at all who I thought he was - he has a bit of a wall built up. He keeps a lot hidden, it takes a while for him to trust, but I finally got past the wall, and it was a big deal for him to let me in, but he finally did."

I just nod, I remember how hard it was for Carter to share certain things, and how defensive he was that day at the seminar. He definitely keeps things well hidden.

We get our drinks and go back to join Chuck and Carter at the park.


	32. Chapter 32

Wendall

John and I are getting ready to leave for Belize, he booked everything really quickly after we decided to go, and I am really excited. John seems happy to be going, but he is so used to these kinds of trips. I know he and Jim were talking about just after John finished Med School, they spent the summer in St. Barts – the whole summer. I can't even begin to imagine the kind of life where you can spend the whole summer in some upscale swanky resort, and not even worry about it.

John runs down the stairs "Ready? The car will be here in about 5 minutes." He has the suitcases ready by the door, and Logan is in his seat, having a little nap.

"I am" I grab John and give him a big kiss.

"Mmmm." He wraps his arms around me and kisses me back, giving me a little dip at the same time.

The doorbell rings, and he releases me "That's our ride."

He opens the door and the driver takes our luggage out to the car. John takes Logan and I grab my carry on bag, we lock the door and are on the way. We are meeting Jim and Tiffany at the airport, we are on the same flight as them, the other couples are meeting us in Belize.

I notice as we are driving that we are not on our way to O'Hare, and I give a curious look at John. "Is the driver going the wrong way?"

"No, we are going to Chicago Executive Airport" He gives me a cheeky grin and squeezes my hand.

"What? I thought we were flying out of O'Hare." I am really confused as to where we are going.

"Small change of plans. You'll see when we get there."

I don't have to wait long and we are pulling up to a private hanger, with a small jet waiting. We get out and Jim greets us while the driver takes our luggage.

"We're flying on that?" I can't believe this, I have never been on a private plane before.

"Yes, Jim's dad owns it, and doesn't need it for a few days, so he is letting us take it to Belize. Much nicer and much quicker than commercial – it's a very fast plane."

We are quickly on board and ready to go, and soon we are in the air.

Carter

Wendall is excited to go on our holiday, and I am too. I have an extra surprise for her, as Brian Davis – Jim's dad – owns a Gulfstream, and we are going to take this on our trip instead of flying commercial. I can see she is confused as we head to the airport, and her eyes widen when she sees the plane. Brian keeps the plane at an Executive Airport which makes for very fast landings and takeoffs, so we are in the air quickly. It also makes the trip in a fraction of the time and very comfortable, large plush seats and an open refreshment area.

"Would you like a drink?" I ask Wendall.

"That would be good, thanks." I get up and get us some drinks, and there is a tray with some fresh fruit cut up and ready. I bring this over and we all sit comfortably and talk during the flight. In no time at all the pilot is announcing that we are ready to land.

Wendall

We have been in Belize almost two weeks, and it has been fantastic. As I am very much into water sports, John suggested that I take some Scuba diving lessons the first couple days we were here, so now I am joining the group for some of the easier dives. Tiffany took lessons with me, so Jim and John are making a point of taking us on a dive every day or so, and it is amazing.

We have also spent a lot of time enjoying all the other water sports and hiking to see some of the other sites just inland. Nights have been noisy dinners and fun with the other couples, along with our nightly walk along the beach. John has his birthday while we are in Belize, so we take a night to celebrate, hiring a babysitter from the resort so we can all go out and enjoy ourselves.

One morning we decide to dive at one of the reefs. We gear up and are soon submerged and swimming along at a leisurely pace, when John reaches out and grabs my hand. He gently turns me and points and I take a deep almost panicked breath, but he makes the ok signal so I stay calm. There is an enormous whale shark only about 10 feet away, and some various other sharks as well – John had told me to expect nurse sharks and not be afraid. Both John and Jim are looking relaxed so I know we are fine, I just watch. John soon points upwards and I look just as a large manta ray glides only a few feet over our heads. This is one of the most incredible experiences ever. John has an underwater camera, so we get quite a few pictures of the two of us among the sea life.

John looks at his watch and taps it, then points up again, and I know we need to be surfacing soon, so we make our way back towards where our boat is waiting, and then slowly follow our bubbles towards the surface. As soon as we are up, I pull out my regulator.

"That was so incredible!" I grab him right there in the water and give him a very big kiss. I look over and see Jim smirking at us, he has been bugging the two of us the entire trip as we always seem to be close and in some sort of physical contact. Today is our last dive, as we are leaving in a couple days and have to have a waiting period before we can fly.

Later in the day, John asks if I want to go with him for a private dinner, then a walk along the beach, just the two of us. He takes me to a restaurant we tried one of the first days that we really liked, then we wander along the beach hand in hand. We have found a nice spot we like to go every day and watch the sunset, usually we bring Logan, but tonight he has asked Tiffany to watch him, and she is more than happy to do this. She is so great with our son, I know she really wants some of her own, but it is not happening for them.

This evening John has procured a bottle of very expensive champagne for us and a couple of glasses, along with a blanket to sit on the sand. As we walk with his slides his arm around my waist, and we enjoy the soft sand under our feet. When we get to our spot, we stop and enjoy the view over the water, it is peaceful and beautiful at this time of the day. John slips his arms around me and pulls me close to him, tenderly kissing my lips. It is a perfect moment, I wish I could stay here forever.

I rest my head on his chest and hug him. "So, how do you like Belize?" He asks me softly.

I tip my head back and smile up at him. "This has been absolutely the best vacation ever, thank you for bringing me. I have loved every minute of it…especially all the time we have been able to spend together. I am going to miss our nightly walks on the beach."

"Me too, this has been the most fun I've had on one of the trips, because you are with me. I hope that you want to do this again, with me. Maybe not Belize, but somewhere warm and tropical."

I kiss him and laugh "Of course, I would love to do this kind of thing for the rest of my life with you." He raises an eyebrow "I love you so much" I whisper.

"I love you too." He says back and kisses me again. We turn and look over the water again, and the sun is just starting to set, the sky looks like it is on fire "I have another question for you."

I look over at him and he smiles "Will you marry me?"

I can feel my jaw drop a little, and next thing you know he has small velvet box in his hands. He opens it, and the ring….is stunning. It is very similar to the one I admired that day in the store, but even more beautiful. I give a little gasp and I stare at him wide eyed for a few seconds. "Yes, of course, yes!" I launch myself into his arms and give him a huge kiss.

He gently takes the ring from the box and slides it onto my left hand and then wraps his arms around me. We are kissing again, but more passionately this time, my heart is racing, I can't believe this, I'm engaged.

Carter

Our trip has been far better than I could have anticipated. Wendall has always been energetic, she runs and rock climbs at home, and just loves to be out and doing active things. So this vacation has been perfect, every day we are diving, snorkeling, kayaking, paddle boarding or hiking, and the evenings are fun, we all go out for dinner and have a great time.

Everyone has been taking turns watching the kids that are along, so all the couples have had some time to relax and have a bit of alone time too.

Wendall and I have managed to take a bit of time almost every night to walk along the beach, and enjoy a little quiet time together. We have grown even closer this trip, and I know I am ready to ask her to marry me. I managed to get the ring from New York before we left for Belize, so I brought it with me, hoping that the right time would present itself. And it did. On one of our last few days here, I was able to arrange some time alone, to go see the sunset at our favourite spot, and it felt absolutely right and perfect. I brought along a bottle of champagne and a blanket, and slid the ring into my pocket before we left our room.

The sunset is beautiful, and I time the question when the whole sky is lit with shades of red and orange, one of my favourite times of the day. Wendall looked stunned for a few moments when I asked her, and I could feel my heart beating furiously, and I was worried for a second that she was going to say no. Then my fears evaporated as the "Yes" came out of her mouth and I slid the ring onto her finger.

I spread out the blanket and crack open the champagne, pouring it into the crystal glasses I brought along. We sit close to each other, with my arm around her. "I love you, and I hope all our days can be as perfect as this moment." I tap the rim of my glass to hers and we both take a sip of our champagne. She smiles and she holds out her hand, looking at the ring now adorning her finger.

"I love you too. This was a big surprise, I had no idea you were going to ask me on this vacation. And this ring….wow John, it is…way more than I ever expected." She leans over and kisses me.

"I am happy that you like it….it is pretty close to the one you admired so much in New York, with just a couple changes. I have known for a while that I wanted to ask you." I finish off my glass of champagne.

"I have known for a while that if you did ask I would say yes." This brings a smile to my face and I pull her close.

"Good, I was pretty sure you were feeling the same way, but I was still a little nervous, I have to admit. You were kind of quiet there for a minute, so I wasn't sure what to think."

"That was a good silence, this ring….well it's breathtaking, I love it. I don't ever want to take it off."

We sit and cuddle and kiss for a while, finishing off the champagne, until it starts to get dark and I think we should go back.

The rest of the group is hanging out having after dinner drinks as we get back.

"Logan is sleeping, he was really good while you two were gone." Jim waves as we come up. He looks at us both, then a smirk appears. "What have you two been up to, you look….."

I see Wendall lift her hand to brush some hair out of her eyes, and his words get cut off as Tiffany squeals. "Oh wow, Wendall, let me see that rock!" She almost bounces across the patio and grabs Wendall's hand.

Jim looks surprised for a second then breaks into a big smile, jumping up to give us both big hugs "Congratulations!" He looks at me and whispers "Didn't know you were doing THAT tonight."

I shrug "Seemed like a good time." I smile, I am very happy.

Wendall

Everyone congratulates us, and the party is longer tonight than usual, the drinks are flowing freely. John has a few social drinks, but he never lets himself get drunk, which I appreciate, since a couple of the other guys have had way too many and are getting a little obnoxious. We do have a great evening though, until John says he is tired and ready for bed. We break off from the party and go back to our room, John carrying Logan, then getting him settled into his crib.

"I am glad to have you to myself for a while" John slides his arms around me.

"So….you're not tired then?" I giggle, I have had a few drinks too, and feel pretty elated tonight. It has been a very big day.

"Well, not that tired….I think maybe a swim in that big tub would be in order. Care to join me?" He winks at me as he goes into the bathroom, and I hear the water running.

I walk into the bathroom, and he is lighting some candles and pours in some bubble bath. He makes up a couple of drinks in fancy glasses, turns off the lights, then we both strip down and climb into the tub. I sit in front of him and lean back against his chest, closing my eyes. "This is so nice….we should do this at home once in a while, you have that massive tub."

"Yes we should enjoy _our_ tub more often." He gives my neck soft kisses and runs his fingertips gently down my arm, giving me goose bumps. I get him to wash my back and he rinses out my hair for me. I can't stop looking at the ring on my finger, and I know he notices, he brings my hand up and kisses it, then proceeds to kiss each fingertip, and I feel a shiver go down my spine. After a while the water starts to cool off, so we both dry off with the soft towels then exchange them for the big fluffy robes included in our room.

John brings the candles out of the bathroom, leaving the lights off, so the effect is soft flickering light. We stand close, facing each other, his hands on my hips, mine resting lightly on his chest, he looks into my eyes. I can see love, passion and desire all reflected in his deep brown eyes, and I lean into him as he bends his head to kiss me. His hands move to untie my robe, as I slide mine inside his and down his chest pushing his robe open. The rest of we spend wrapped in each others arms.


	33. Chapter 33

Carter

We both crawl out of bed early, we have been back from Belize for 3 days, and we both have a shift at County today. I have arranged babysitting for Logan, we now have a part time nanny that will come in as needed.

The rest of our trip went smoothly, we did some sight seeing and lounging on the beach, and Wendall and I got used to being engaged. I am very happy, and she seems happy too - I catch her looking at the ring several times a day, so that has to be a good sign.

We are going to take the El in today, it is pretty convenient from our house. I think of the house as ours now, though it is taking Wendall some time to get used to the idea. I think it will take a while before she fully comprehends that her life will change, especially once she marries me.

No one at County knows about the engagement yet, but it won't take long today for everyone to know, we just have to let one of the nurses - maybe Chuney or Haleh, see the ring and the news will be all over the hospital by lunch time.

We arrive and Wendall goes upstairs to the offices for Social Services, and I meet Susan to get a locker assigned. It is very strange to be back, though I know my way around, it has now been over a year since I worked in the ER.

"Well, you are looking pretty tanned and relaxed, how did the trip go? Is Wendall here today too?"

"It was great, Susan, we had an amazing time, even got Wendall to learn to Scuba dive and she really loved it. She is upstairs, you should call her for a coffee, let her tell you about the trip." Susan is going to go crazy when she sees the ring.

"Maybe I will, as soon as we get you set up. You signed everything with Kerry I think, so you should be good to start. Not much has changed, you and I are on as attending today. If I could get you to take on the med students for a while, Morris is on break."

I put my stuff into the locker, get on my lab coat and stethoscope and I'm ready to start the day. "All right, I can do that. Surprised he's still around actually."

We leave the lounge and arrive at the admit desk, Deb is just ready to go off shift "John! I am so glad you are back, hopefully we will have some time to catch up soon. I want to hear all about your trip. I have some real special ones to pass on." She gives me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek, I see the new crew of med students looking on as I hug her back.

"Deb, good to see you too, I was hoping to catch you before you left. I need to talk to you for a minute before you leave." I realized last night, that of all people, I need to tell Deb personally, I can't let her hear this through the rumour mill. She and I have been friends through so much, and we promised to be better at communicating, she will be hurt if I don't tell her. Deb looks at me curiously.

"Sounds serious John, why don't we talk now and then I will go over the charts."

"Actually, that's a good idea, before something comes in and interrupts." I glance over at the med students who are taking in every word we say. I walk over to the rack and flip through the charts pull out 3 easy cases "I'm Dr. Carter, Attending, you will be working with me until the Chief Resident is back from break. Split up in teams of 2, assess these patients, then report and present the patients to me, before taking any action. I will be back in about 5 minutes, off you go." Deb looks amused as I send them off "Grab your charts and lets go hide out in the lounge for a couple minutes."

"Ever the efficient Dr. Carter, you know how much we missed you around here? It is _so_ good to have you back, John." She rubs my arm affectionately, then Deb and I make our way to the lounge.

"So did you and Wendall have a good vacation?" Deb opens her locker and hangs up her lab coat.

"We had a great time, Deb, in fact something kind of big happened." I lean against the counter as she turns to look at me. "I asked Wendall to marry me."

Deb eyes widen "What! Oh, John, that is great news…..it is great news, right? She did say yes?"

"Of course she said yes, Deb….I'm engaged. I wanted to tell you before everyone else finds out. I haven't told anyone yet…well aside from those that were on the trip, of course they knew right away – they saw the ring."

Deb gives me a huge hug. "John, congratulations" She whispers "I am so happy for you, you deserve to be happy."

I hug her back "Thanks Deb."

"So how did you do it? I bet you got her an amazing ring too."

"Well, I asked her in Belize, we took a walk on the beach to our favourite spot, and watched the sunset, and it just felt like the right time and place, so I asked her. If you want to see the ring, you'll have to hang around for a few minutes...we haven't told Susan yet, so don't say anything, I'm going to send her to have coffee with Wendall."

"Once Susan knows, the rumour mill can take it from there - in about an hour everyone will know. I called my dad and told him yesterday."

"He likes Wendall, doesn't he?"

"Likes is an understatement, he _loves_ Wendall, so in his eyes this is probably be the first thing I've ever done right in my entire life."

"I'm sure that's not true, there's maybe one or two things you've done right isn't there?"

"Not according to him - I do the family thing backwards, I'm irresponsible, you know the whole running off to Africa thing, he hates me being a doctor, and he still resents my grandmother leaving me the Foundation and the majority of her estate. When I came back from Africa and made all the changes to the Foundation, he asked if I was back on drugs."

"He did not!"

"Oh, but he did. I'm not sure he will ever let me forget what a disappointment and embarrassment I have been to the family, well, then again, he _loves_ Wendall so you never know."

"Ahhh, so you're not marrying her just to get onto your dad's good side." Deb joked.

"Oh, so you've finally caught on - I'm covering my total lack of success with the trophy wife." I give her a wink.

Deb gave me a playful shove "Right. Your a great doctor, who is building a fabulous health center, and is loved by his colleagues, such a disappointment. And as if you've ever wanted a trophy wife - you've dated some beautiful women, but not one of them could ever be considered a trophy wife."

"Awww, you love me?"

"I do love you, you know that."

"Well, I love you too Deb. Hey, I should get back out there before one of those med students kill a patient. Let's run these charts quick." We spent two minutes as she covered off her patients.

"Call me and we will figure out a time to get together."

"I will, and again, congratulations, that is such great news!"

I leave the lounge and find Susan busy at the admit desk "Where did you disappear to, taking breaks already?"

"No, just had to talk to Deb for a minute, and she passed on her charts. I sent the students off to do histories and I am going to check up on them now." I hunt down the students and go over their findings, sign off the charts and grab a couple patients of my own to work on.

"Hey Susan, caught up with Wendall yet?" I ask when I get back to the admit desk.

"No, not yet. I can't wait to see her."

I pick up the phone and dial her extension "Hey Wendall, Susan wants to meet you for coffee. How about the roof in 15 minutes?" I hang up the phone "That wasn't so hard was it?"

Susan rolls her eyes at me "Sure."

"I'll go grab you two coffee, then I'll cover and you can take them up."

"Okay, you are sure worried about us getting a coffee this morning." She picks up a chart and goes to work up her patient.

I check in with the students, then I run across the street and get three coffees. As soon as I get back to the ER, I catch Susan at the admit desk, then give her two of the coffees and send her up to meet Wendall.

Susan

Carter is back this morning, and it is so good to see him. First of all, he has become a really good friend, and second he is an excellent doctor. He knows the residents already, they respect him, and he is great with the med students and patients alike.

He jumps right in, giving the med students assignments then he disappears for a few minutes with Jing Mei, but is soon back with her charts, and looking extra happy. It must have been a really good trip. He is acting a little strange though, he keeps telling me I need to go for coffee with Wendall, then finally takes matters into his own hands and sets up a coffee date for us on the roof.

I come out from seeing a patient, and he hands me two coffees, along with a small bag. I take a peek and there are a couple of fresh, still warm muffins - he knows me so well. He didn't even need to ask what coffee I wanted - he just got me a latte. He shoos me off saying he will cover for me and page if it gets too busy for him to handle with the staff on hand. I know he is more than capable of running the ER on his own, so I to leave to meet Wendall.

It is a beautiful, sunny, warm day, and Wendall is waiting for me on the roof. I hand her a coffee, she takes a sip then places it on the ledge and I put the bag beside it.

"Wendall! Good to see you back, getting all settled again upstairs?" I give Wendall a quick hug. "I can't wait to hear about your trip, too, sounds like it was amazing."

"I am, it is good to be back. And yes, the trip was perfect, we had so much fun. The group we went with are a pretty active bunch, I learned to scuba dive, we did all sorts of water sports, and sightseeing - it was incredible. I even got to fly on a private jet."

"A private jet? How did Carter swing that one?"

"His friends dad owns one, and let us take it to Belize. Crazy, right?"

"Well, you look great - so tanned, relaxed and happy. I have to say, though, Carter is acting a little weird this morning, what did you do to him?"

"I think he just wanted to make sure we talked - something major happened on the trip." Wendall has this huge smile on her face, then holds out her left hand. I am speechless for a moment, that is one of the most impressive diamond rings I have ever seen. It sparkles and catches the sunlight, and I reach out and grab her hand.

"He asked you? You're engaged?" I give her another big hug "Wendall, congratulations!"

"John wanted to make sure I had a chance to tell you before it got all through the rumour mill - I've been kind of hiding the ring this morning, but one of the ladies in my office saw it, so it will only be a matter of time."

"No wonder he's been so insistent I go with you for coffee, he practically pushed me out the door. So...that is a gorgeous ring. Is it the one you saw in New York?"

"Pretty close actually, but John changed it a bit - he added the tapered baguettes, and upgraded the diamonds apparently. I love the changes he made, he custom ordered it, while we were still in New York I might add. He planned this for a while."

"How did he ask you?"

"Close to the end of our trip, he took me out for dinner, just the two of us, then we went for a walk on the beach to our favourite spot to watch the sunset. I didn't even clue in, but he had gotten us a bottle of _really_ expensive champagne which he brought with us. We were just having this moment...kind of a perfect 'I never want this to end' kind of moment, the sun going down, just the two of us alone on this magnificent beach, and next thing you know he has this breathtaking ring and he's asking me to marry him. It was so...totally romantic, and unexpected. You were so right, he made it memorable _and_ he got me an incredible ring."

"I knew he would make it special, he is really in love with you, Wendall. You are a very lucky girl. When and where are you getting married?"

"We haven't decided that yet...but I do want you to be my Matron of Honour, so as soon as we start making decisions on the wedding I will let you know."

"I would love to Wendall. This is so exciting, you and Carter - are you going to change your name - be Mrs. Carter?"

"Probably...I am still in shock right now, I'm getting married, Susan, can you believe it? I called my parents when we got home, and they are really excited, they love John - he said we would have to find a way to get them out here for the wedding - we will probably do this in Chicago as most of the people we want at the wedding are here anyway. Nothing too big though, just close friends and family."

"So not the social event of the season?"

"Can you really see John doing that? I mean, he _knows_ people, but I don't think he wants them all at our wedding."

"No, I can't really see it - maybe if his grandmother was still alive she would insist on a bigger event, but now? No way."

We finish our coffee and each have one of the muffins, then my pager starts to go. "Oh oh, 911 from the ER." I can hear sirens now, so I know we have some inbound ambulances." We both run to the elevator and I return to the ER just as they start pulling into the bay.

"Apartment fire" Carter calls out to me as he comes by with the first gurney.

I grab a gown and gloves and jump into the fray.

Wendall

It was a rough day at the ER, my first day back started to great. Waking up in the arms of the man I love, and telling my best friend about our engagement was great.

Then the ambulances started rolling from the apartment fire and it got crazy. There were a couple serious burn victims, I know these are the about the worst thing that comes through the ER. They rarely survive more than a couple days, so it is trying to make them comfortable and get their families in as quick as possible to say good bye. I don't know how John deals with it, I can barely be in the room, but he seems to just go on autopilot and runs the trauma room with calm certainty. A couple of the med students end up running from the room and spend a while in the bathroom, but John says it's normal, he didn't handle his first serious burn victim well either - he had to leave the trauma to get some air.

"You get used to it, but really, you never get used to it." he said after we were done our shift.

I spent most of the day dealing with the families, getting counseling arranged, and finding relatives for a couple of children who's parents were seriously injured. Not a great first day back to work.

"Do you want to get some dinner before we go home?" John wraps his arm around my waist and kisses me as we ride the El towards home.

"How can you even think about eating after that? I still feel ill."

"I don't know, I guess I have just seen it enough times, I can shut it out. I've been doing this job for 12 years now, Wendall, if I let things get to me, I'd have starved to death by now." He tipped up my chin and looked into my eyes "Are you okay though? It was a particularly bad one, I know."

"I'll be okay, I think I just need to go home and hug our son, have a swim in the tub." I lean against his chest and he holds me tight, letting me draw comfort from him.

"Then let's just go home, you can eat when you're ready."

We get home and send the nanny off for the evening, John takes Logan and tells me to go up and have a bath. In a while he comes in with a big cup of my favourite tea, and then we sit and talk while be bounces Logan on his knee. I feel much better, and he orders us some take out then we go for a walk along the lake with Logan in the stroller, stopping at one of the parks along the way.

By the time we get home, most of the stress of the day has evaporated. We spend some time with Logan, working as a team to get him ready for bed, then cuddle together on the couch to watch a movie. John massages my shoulders which releases the rest of the tension, and then we go upstairs together. John has a shower, then crawls into bed with me.

I slide over close and he pulls me into his arms.

Carter

I wake up the next morning, Wendall and I are a little tangled up in the sheets after a pretty passionate night. She looks peaceful and serene and I slide out of bed quietly, trying not to wake her.

It was a very rough day in the ER yesterday and I am glad we both have the day off. I have planned a fun day out on the lake for us, but it is still early so I let her sleep for a while longer while I go down and make us some coffee and breakfast.

The housekeeper made us up a lunch to take along with us today, at my request. She has outdone herself, packing it all up in a basket with ice packs to keep it all fresh. She has put in a bottle of wine and even packed some food for Logan, since he is starting to eat a few solids now.

"Hey, you didn't wake me" Wendall comes into the kitchen, yawning and rubbing her eyes.

"It's really early still and you looked so peaceful, I thought maybe you need a little extra rest. But since your up, we can eat, then get Logan ready. We can take the boat whenever we want."

We eat, pack up our things for the day and we are ready to go.

The day is hot and sunny, perfect for a day on the water. We cruise along the lake, and find a secluded beach and pull the boat up. We spend several hours swimming and playing in the water, Logan loves being at the lake too. We tire him out, then feed him and put him down for a nap in the shade while we enjoy our lunch nearby.

By the time we get home it is evening and everyone is tired, but relaxed and happy after a day on the water.

"Next time we go, we should invite Susan, Chuck and Cosmo. We could even get jet skis or a ski boat to take with us."

"That sounds like a lot of fun, I'll see when Susan has her next day off."

We fall into bed, we both have a day shift tomorrow, so we need some sleep.

Morning comes too soon and we are at work, Wendall is at Northwestern today and I'm at County.

Abby

I have had a couple days off, and I get into work around 10 am to start my shift. I see Carter is Attending today, I didn't know he was back to work. He looks tanned and relaxed, he just keeps getting better every time I see him. He is busy with patients and then a trauma comes in so I don't get a chance to talk to him.

True to my promise, I have been going to my meetings and keeping the drinking under control, out of everyone he does get a say in my career, since he paid my tuition. I would still like to pay him back, but it is a lot of money and he doesn't seem to concerned about getting it back.

I am working with a couple of the med students in the exam room, when Carter comes in, and checks the chart. The med students watch him closely and then he leaves. I don't think they realize how well I know him, because they start to gossip right away.

"He was here a couple days ago, too, I wonder if he is going to be here a lot. He's kind of cute and really rich too I heard. He just got back from scuba diving in Belize."

"But he's taken I hear, that Social Worker, Wendall. Did you see the rock she's wearing, that must have cost a bundle."

My head pops up when I hear that. What? Carter is engaged to Wendall? I casually look over at the med students "What rock?"

"I heard Dr. Lewis and Wendall talking, and he bought it in some fancy store in New York. He gave it to her when they were in Belize, and Dr. Lewis is going to be in her wedding, so they are talking about dresses and stuff."

I think back to when I found the ring in Carter's jacket and think 'that could be me, I could have been the one planning a wedding to him.' And I start to wonder what happened to that ring, it was pretty incredible, but it seems he didn't give it to Wendall.

I finally corner him in the lounge, I know we talked that night I got drunk and that as far as he is concerned we are over, but I still feel a little sad that he is getting married.

"Hey Carter."

"Abby, how have you been? How is residency going?"

"Good, I took your advice and I have been going to my meetings. Thanks for that night."

"You're welcome Abby, good to hear, you're going to be a great doctor."

"So, I heard some rumours, that maybe congratulations are in order? Are you engaged to Wendall."

"Yes, I asked her when we were in Belize, no date set yet, but it's only been a week."

"Wow, Carter, I heard the ring is nice too."

"I think so, I bought if for her in New York, had it custom made."

"So you didn't give her..." I stop as he looks over at me with a curious look.

"Give her what?" He asks.

"You know...the ring." I blurt out.

"Well, I gave her a ring, but not sure what you're getting at Abby."

"You know _the_ ring. What did you do with that."

"I don't know if that's your business. I'm not going to discuss this with you and I don't want to hear about it again. We" he motions between the two of them "Have been over for a really long time." He pours his coffee, then exits the lounge.

Well, that didn't go well, he used to love me, now he barely tolerates me.

Later in the day I see Wendall come in and I go over to the admit desk.

"Congratulations Wendall. I heard that you and Carter are engaged."

"Thanks Abby."

"Can I see the ring?"

She holds out her hand and my eyes widen. "Wow, that is gorgeous, I'm...happy for you." I turn and almost run right into Carter, he lifts an eyebrow as I bolt from the admit desk. The ring he had for me was beautiful, but the one he bought Wendall is incredible. I can't help but feel a little jealous that he bought a ring specially made just for her.


	34. Chapter 34

Carter

The rest of the summer rushes by, especially since Wendall and I are each working 2 or 3 shifts a week now. She alternates between Northwestern and County for her shifts, and I am at County for all of mine. Neither of us really needs to work, but it is good to keep up the skill levels. Work has been a bit weird, since I am still supervising Abby, and she seems...almost jealous of my relationship with Wendall, but I keep it really professional. I still thinks she will be a good doctor, but personally I am keeping my distance from her. Finally I hear that she has been spending time with Luka again, so I hope she is going to move on.

I have sent off one of my articles for editing, Wendall has taken a first read through, and now I have another colleague looking at it - it should be published soon which will free up a lot of my time.

We celebrate Wendall's birthday, in September, going out with Susan and Chuck one night, then Jim and Tiffany another. I have bought her a necklace, earrings, and bracelet at Tiffany's that I hope she will want to wear when we get married, along with a few other items, including some new ski equipment. I am hoping we can make at least a few trips this winter, Wendall is such an active outdoor person.

Logan starts walking just before his 1st birthday which is towards the end of November, and then we make two trips, one to Arizona to see Wendall's parents, and another one to New York to see my dad and do a bit of Christmas shopping.

"Did you find everything?" I give Wendall a kiss, she has been shopping while I took Logan to the mall play area. Now that he is walking, he is busy all the time, I can barely keep up with him. "You look like you bought out the whole mall." She has an incredible number of bags with her, so stow some in the stroller, and take the rest from her.

"Well, I guess I'm done then. Are you?" Wendall gives Logan a big hug and kiss and he gives his sweet little giggle. Aside from when he is teething, he is a little angel.

"I am, so maybe some dinner and a quiet night in, we have an early flight in the morning."

"How did coffee go, is your dad going to come down for Christmas?"

"I think so, he is insisting on staying at a hotel, but that's okay. He wants to take us to the restaurant at the Ritz for Christmas dinner, but he said he will come for breakfast and to open presents with us Christmas morning, so I guess it's a start."

"I'll work on him to see if I can get him to spend a bit more time with us, but at least he's coming down."

We put Logan in the stroller and start to walk, it is really busy so we are dodging people and strollers everywhere.

We finally get back to the apartment, put Logan down for a nap, then Wendall starts to show me some of the presents she purchased. She seems to have gone a little crazy buying Susan and Chuck some baby clothes, both for Cosmo, and for the new baby. Susan announced not long ago that she is pregnant, they recently had an ultrasound and found out they are having a girl, so Wendall has picked out a bunch of cute, pink, frilly outfits.

"You have a lot of baby clothes, there Wendall."

"Well, I needed to get something for Christmas, then the baby shower, and a gift for when the baby is born. It's so exciting, they are having a girl. I would love to have a little girl – I mean I love Logan, but wouldn't it be great to have another baby?"

I look up from the bags and packages strewn around the room from Wendall's shopping spree.

"Is that rhetorical, or are you actually saying you want to have another baby?" I have been wondering when this was coming, Susan getting pregnant seems to have set Wendall's clock in motion. There has been a lot of baby talk going on with the girls, I talked to Jim last week, and Tiffany is finally pregnant too. So, I have thought a bit about it, we haven't specifically discussed how many kids we want, but I am pretty sure at some point we are going to want another one. Wendall is approaching her mid 30's, but is it too soon, Logan has just turned 1. On the other hand, it would be nice to have them close together.

Wendall

John and I are in New York for a visit with his dad, and some Christmas shopping. Last week Logan turned 1, and I am loving being a mom.

Susan announced a few weeks ago that she is pregnant with her second child, and they just found out they are having a girl. I am excited for her, and I think I go a little overboard buying baby gifts while I am doing my Christmas shopping. No, I know I went overboard, given the look on John's face as he sees the number of bags I have - but he just shrugs and helps me get them home. Our apartment floor is covered in bags and John is shaking his head at how much I bought, but I couldn't stop myself for some reason.

"I think you should have bought an extra suitcase too, is this all going to fit in our luggage home?" He asks this with a laugh.

I go on about how I needed to get the shower and baby gifts, then it just kind of comes out – "wouldn't it be great to have another baby?"

I stop realizing what I just said - I have been just kind of babbling on about things, and I wonder if John has stopped listening at some point.

John looks up at me, he has kind of frozen in the middle of checking out all my purchases. "Is that rhetorical, or are you actually saying you want to have another baby?"

Nope I was wrong –the guy misses nothing, maybe it's the medical training, but he actually _listens and hears_ what I am saying, even if I don't think he is paying attention. I see him do this at the hospital all the time, he is writing orders or signing a chart while a medical student or resident is running another patients history and test results by him, or in a trauma where the room is a frenzy of activity with everyone talking and calling out numbers but he never misses a beat. So I should have known he would hear me.

I look back at him for a second, I have about a million things going through my mind, mostly realizing that I have just vocalized something that I really want, but didn't know I wanted until just then. John reaches out and takes my hand pulling down into his lap. He puts his arms around me as I lean into him and give him a kiss. "So?" he queries.

"I think I want another baby." I whisper.

"You _think,_ or you know." This is said gently, softly.

"I want another baby." I return this just as softly. I am holding my breath slightly, not sure what he is going to say.

"If you're sure, then…let's have a baby."

I meet his eyes and I can tell he is serious. "Really? You don't seem at all surprised, you don't even need to think about it?"

"I'm not surprised, and I have already thought about it. All you three girls have been talking about is babies, and you...I don't know exactly, but I feel like there have been signs that this was coming, that it was something you wanted."

"I didn't even realize it until now, and you already knew?"

"Suspected is more like it, I can't actually read your mind – we don't have to over think this, we obviously both want at least one more baby, we love each other, finances aren't an issue. So, when you're ready, let me know."

"I'm….ready."

Just like that, we have decided to have another baby.

Susan

Christmas time comes and goes, we get together with my family, and then get together with Carter and Wendall for New Years. Carter has the nanny come and stay with the boys at their house so we can go out for thee evening, and Chuck and I stay over in the guest room. Their friends Jim and Tiffany join us on the 2nd and we have a great time, amazing really, Jim Davis is a friend of Carter's from school and his dad is probably the richest guy in town, but he is a lot like Carter. Generous, and you would not know they were crazy rich, except for the reference to the jet of course, which they seem to take everywhere. I remember Wendall talking about how they flew to Belize, Carter just spoils her like crazy.

Carter and Wendall are just so incredibly cute together, and I can tell they really love each other. I am happy for them both. I hope they can pick a date to get married, the wedding plans are getting challenging. I'm pregnant and ballooning out like crazy and Tiffany just found out she is finally pregnant too. I guess they have tried for a long time with no success, so they are over the moon excited.

Wendall totally spoiled both Cosmo and my unborn daughter at Christmas. I protest that it is too much, and give Carter a bit of a hard time about it, but he just shrugs and smiles, "Wendall is totally responsible for all that, so don't look at me."

We start talking about wedding plans, then Jim and Carter start to talk about Brandon, one of their frat brothers who is getting married in April. There is a big bachelor tripped planned to Telluride in January, Jim has rented a chalet and tells Carter he needs to come.

"You have to John, we haven't gone skiing in forever. I know it's not Switzerland, but still awesome snow, we can do some heliskiing, try snowboarding or something too."

"Maybe, how many days?"

"4, probably including travel time, you have skis right?"

"Of course, though not using them nearly enough, but Wendall and I have been to Telluride and Aspen a couple times this winter."

Wendall smiles, "I think you should go John, I will be fine for a few days with Logan, I can get the nanny if I have to work. I am sure you can take the time off too, go and have fun."

We wind up the day and everyone heads home happy.

Carter

Jim calls and we make the final arrangements for Telluride.

"You're sure you don't mind me going?"

"Of course not, John, this is a friends bachelor party, just...be good, okay?"

I grab her and kiss her soundly. " _You_ have nothing to worry about, I love you."

"I know, I love you too. I'm not worried, go and have fun."

Jim has arranged with his dad to take the Gulfstream again, so we meet at the Executive Airport and we pick up our rental SUV in a surprisingly short time. Everyone piles in and we arrived at the rented luxury chalet, and the party begins. It has been a long time since I have been to one of these ski parties, it reminds me of high school and university times, much wilder than our diving trips.

The next morning, we have booked a heliskiing so we are up early, it is a beautiful clear day, the sun is out and it is cold and crisp. We make a couple runs from different peaks in fresh powder, which is exhilarating, then we spend the rest of the afternoon hanging out, taking Brandon for dinner and drinks, ending up at the chalet. Quite a few people show up and the party is in full swing, and going until 4am when Jim kicks out anyone who is not staying in the chalet.

At 4am it is too late to sleep, I never sleep if I can't get at least 3 hours in, a habit from my time as a surgical intern, so Jim and I get ready and go for an early morning ski just after the sun comes up. The two of us hang out on the slopes for most of the day, getting in a lot of runs while most of the guys are still passed out. Neither Jim or I got drunk or participated in the drugs that seemed to have migrated into the house with the guests – notably some joints and just a little too much cocaine for my liking, along with a few other recreational drugs. Jim of course has seen my scars and knows about my drug issues, and he has vowed to stay clean after hearing what happened with Chase.

By the time the trip is over, we are all totally exhausted, and have gotten very little sleep, but it has been fun. We have hit the slopes every day, I haven't skied this much in years.

Wendall welcomes me home with a big hug and kiss, I spend some time with Logan, then Wendall pulls me off to our room. I have missed them both, even though I was only gone a few days. There is another night with very little sleep as Wendall and I make love for hours, but we both have the next day off work. We finally curl up together and I fall instantly into a deep sleep.

Wendall

John is back from the bachelor party trip, and I am so happy to see him. I can't believe how much I missed him, I find it hard to sleep alone now, and I can't wait to get him into our bed that night.

I wake up the next day, in the late morning. I had asked the nanny to come in and take care of Logan, knowing that John was coming home and that he would probably be pretty tired. Not to mention that I needed some _alone_ time with John, after missing him for 4 days. I know the nanny came in early and took Logan out of the house for a few hours, so I stay in bed, snuggling up to John. He wakes up after a while, still pretty sleepy, but I start to kiss him and a while later we are both out of breath and tangled together.

"Wow, I think I should go away more often. This had been quite the welcome home."

"I missed you. Don't go away too often, though, I don't like sleeping alone in the bed."

"Me either, I missed you both a lot. It was party central at the chalet, I don't think we ever got to bed before 2 am and then we were up early to go skiing. I could not keep up that pace for more than a few days - I don't know how I used to do those 36 hour rotations when I was an intern. How did everything go while I was gone?"

"Good, Logan was an angel, we got out to the park and went for a play date with Susan and Cosmo. Then I had work of course, but only the one day while you were gone, which was okay, but busy. So we both have the day off, maybe if you want to take a shower, the nanny is going to drop Logan off soon and go home. Then we can go have some family time."

"Sounds great. I'm starving so maybe a bite to eat would be good, we could find one of those indoor playgrounds after he has his nap."

John goes to shower, and I hear the nanny, she is just putting Logan into bed for a sleep. He has tired himself out with a visit to the park. She says goodbye and leaves, I hear the door click shut.

John is still in the bathroom, and I decide I will empty his suitcase for him, he didn't get around to unpacking last night. I start to throw things into the hamper, then pick up his jacket from where he tossed it on the chair last night. I pull out his wallet from one of the pockets, and then start to go through the others.

I reach into one of the inside pockets and come up with two things I least expect. I hold them and sink onto the bed in disbelief. I open my clenched hand and look – a vial of cocaine and a joint. I feel the tears start to run down my cheeks – why does he have these. He's using? And I haven't noticed? My mind is in turmoil and I start to get angry, really angry. He brought this into our home, with our son who is only a year old, what if he got hold of it?

John comes out of the bathroom in his robe, drying his hair, but stops stock still as he sees me on the bed, literally crying my eyes out.

"Wendall what's wrong?" He says this softly and he starts to move towards me.

I look up at him and spit out "How could you…bring this into our home, with our son."

He frowns "What are you talking about? Bring what?"

"Don't play games John." I take the vial and chuck it at him, and I get up and walk out of the room. I go into Logan's room, scoop him up and I'm down the stairs putting on our coats. I grab my keys and purse, and I'm about to walk out as John comes down the stairs behind me.

"Where did you get this?" he demands.

"Where do you think, John. I was unpacking for you, it was in your pocket."

"Wendall, this isn't mine."

"Right, you just keep cocaine in your pocket and it isn't yours? How long has this been going on? Or was it just for kicks while you were out of town?"

"No, I haven't used this – I don't know where it came from, but there were a lot of people in and out of the chalet, anybody could have put it there."

"Right, I'm supposed to believe a drug addict, that the cocaine in his pocket doesn't belong to him. I know addicts lie to cover themselves, what do you think I do for a living."

I see anger flare in his eyes "I never used illegal street drugs, Wendall, I made a mistake 7 years ago, I was in pain, I over medicated with pharmaceuticals, I don't deny it. _This_ " He holds up the vial "Is not mine. You think I would bring cocaine into this house? Put our son in danger?"

I stare back at him, wiping my tears away with the back of my hand "I don't know, would you? It was in your pocket, so I guess you would. I can't deal with this John, I'm taking Logan, don't expect me back anytime soon."

"So, I'm convicted am I, one mistake 7 years ago and I'm forever branded a drug addict. Fine, go, if you don't trust me, just go." I can tell without looking at him how angry he is, it is in his voice.

I pick up Logan, grab my keys and leave, slamming the door behind me.

Susan

I hear knocking on the door, Chuck is out with a friend, and Cosmo is playing quietly in his room. I open the door, and Wendall is standing there with puffy red eyes and Logan in her arms.

"Wendall, are you okay?" I pull her in and shut the door, taking Logan from her. She sinks onto the sofa without a word and just start to cry like her heart has broken. Logan starts to cry, seeing his mother so upset, but I soothe him and he stops, giving little hiccupping sobs. I look from Logan to Wendall, back to Logan in confusion. "What is going on?"

Wendall just shakes her head and keeps sobbing. I pass her a box of Kleenex while I take Logan and lay him down in the crib in Cosmo's room. He seems overtired and simply rolls over, sticks his thumb in his mouth and closes his eyes. I think about how much he looks like his dad.

I go back out into the living room, where Wendall has finally calmed down somewhat but she still cannot seem to speak. She just gets out "John…."

My heart skips a beat "Is he okay Wendall? Did something happen to him on the ski trip? Where is he?"

"Oh, he's alive, don't worry, but I want to kill him."

I relax a bit now that I know he's okay, but there is something serious going on here. I go into the kitchen and make us some tea, take it out and set the cups on the coffee table. I get Wendall to take off her coat.

"Okay some deep breaths, and then tell me what is going on?"

She takes several breaths before she can get herself under control, and she takes a sip of the tea. "He's using Susan, I found cocaine in his pocket."

I can't believe what I just heard "What are you talking about? Carter is using cocaine?"

"He had a vial of cocaine in his pocket, when he got back from the ski trip. He went to shower, and I was unpacking his stuff, and I found it, cocaine and a joint."

"Did you ask him about it?"

"He said it wasn't his, he wouldn't bring something like that into the house, that he's never used street drugs."

"And then what happened?"

"I said that addicts lie, and said I was leaving and taking Logan and not to expect me back anytime soon."

"So, you just left him? Did he say anything?"

"He told me to go if I don't trust him, that I convicted him because he made a mistake 7 years ago. He's pretty angry with me Susan, but he doesn't have a right to be –he brought cocaine into our house, he lied."

"Are you sure he lied Wendall? He never used cocaine, he was abusing prescription pain medications, he's been clean for 7 years, do you think that maybe he's telling the truth, and that's why he's angry?"

"Right, so it just magically appeared in his pocket. What else has he been doing, he was away for 4 days at a bachelor party, he admitted it was party central."

"It doesn't mean he did anything wrong. Maybe you should try and talk to him."

"So you're on his side?"

"I'm not on sides, Wendall, but you are going to marry the guy and you need to find out the truth.

"Not tonight, can I just stay here please? I think we both need to cool off."

"Okay, you can stay in the extra room, that's not a problem. Does Carter know where you are?"

Wendall shook her head. "I just said I was leaving. I think he's tried to call my cell phone, it keeps buzzing." She picked up her purse and checks her call log. "8 missed calls. I just don't want to talk to him, Susan, I can't right now, I am angry and disappointed. I'm….I love him so much, and I thought I knew him, how could he do this."

"Wendall, you don't know he did anything wrong, it sounds like you had a fight, but he's trying to talk to you, if he's called 8 times. You've been gone like an hour?"

She nodded "I guess about that. But I still need some time to think…if you want to talk to him, go ahead, but I'm not talking to him."

I get Wendall to finish her tea, then we talk, take care of the boys and have some dinner.

Carter calls and he does not sound good.

"Susan, is she there?"

"She's here Carter, but she doesn't want to talk to you."

"Yeah, I got that, she won't phone me back, but I needed to make sure she was safe, that Logan is safe."

I tell him not to come over, I can see Wendall shaking her head furiously at me.

We talk a minute longer, then he makes a comment about her trusting him and hangs up in my ear. I can tell he is hurting, he has tried and she won't talk, this is doing major damage. I want to shake Wendall, tell her to go home, but I don't think she is ready, so I try instead to talk to her, get her to realize she needs to communicate with Carter, she is supposed to be marrying him in a few months.

Carter

I finish my shower and get out, feeling much better. I brush my teeth, and put on a robe, rubbing a towel through my hair to get out the last of the moisture.

I step into the bedroom but stop as I see Wendall on the bed, obviously very upset about something. I ask her what's wrong and she looks at me with tears streaming down her face, her eyes are full of anger.

She starts on the attack, and I am not sure what is going on until she flings something across the room at me and it bounces slightly and then comes to a rest at my feet. Wendall is out the door and I can hear her run down the stairs as I pick up the cocaine.

Where did this come from? Then it hits me – there were a lot of drugs floating around while we were in Telluride, and Wendall thinks this is mine. I race out the door and down the stairs, she is putting on her coat, and has Logan ready to go too.

I try to talk to her, but she doesn't listen, in her eyes I am guilty, even though I haven't done anything. This cuts pretty deep, she doesn't trust me. I know I am speaking in anger, but I tell her to leave if that's how she feels.

Within a couple minutes, I start to calm down, and I know that I have to fix this, I love her, and I can't just let her leave. I dial her cell phone and get voice mail.

"Wendall, please phone me back, we need to talk." I hang up, wait a couple minutes, I call again

"Wendall, you need to pick up the phone, call me."

I call a few more times, but don't leave messages, I am just hoping she picks up. I wait for a while, but nothing, so I grab my keys and leave the house, I can't sit around here and go crazy. I walk aimlessly, checking my phone constantly, I just feel numb. Finally, I find myself sitting in a bar, quite a ways from home, and I'm not quite sure how or why. I order a drink, then try calling her again but she still doesn't pick up. I call Susan, if anyone has heard from Wendall, it would be her.

"Hi Carter." I can tell she knows what's going on.

"Susan is she there?"

"She's here Carter, but she doesn't want to talk to you."

"Yeah, I got that, she won't phone me back, but I needed to make sure she was safe, that Logan is safe."

"They are fine."

"Susan, I need to talk to Wendall, please put her on the phone."

"I told her to call you back, but she won't, I think she just needs some time."

"Time, right. I didn't do anything Susan, I promise. I know she doesn't believe me, but….never mind, if she doesn't trust me, there's nothing I can do about it." I click off my phone and drop it on the bar, down my drink and have the bartender pour another.

I buy a pack of cigarettes, another thing I gave up after Atlanta, and light one and knock back several more drinks before I realize, I am really, really drunk. I am not sure how I am going to get home, and I don't want to be alone anyway. A few hours ago my world was perfect, now it is crumbling, and I can't deal with it.

I pick up my phone clumsily, scroll down then hit speed dial. She picks up on the second ring.

"John, I was just thinking about you – how was the trip?"

"Deb" I say and I know I'm slurring "Can you come get me?"

"Are you okay? You don't sound okay. Where are you?"

"Oh, some bar called…" I squint at the name on the coaster and mumble it to Deb.

"Okay got it. Just stay there, John, don't move."

"Deb, just come get me."

I can hear the rattle of keys and a door slam. "I am on my way, I'll be there as soon as I can."

I click the end button and light up another cigarette. I know it is a nasty habit, but I really need one right now. The irony is, I usually don't think about getting high, haven't for years, but right now, I wish I could, just to get rid of the pain in my heart. But I can't and I won't give in to the need, so I smoke instead.

The bartender comes by and for some reason I order another drink, I am beyond reason at this point. Someone sits down beside me and I glance over, barely turning my head.

"Hey, what is going on?" Deb is on the stool next to me and she puts her hand on the back of my neck. I just shake my head, I can't speak. The bartender comes by to pour another, but Deb waves him away "I think he's had more than enough."

I pull out my wallet, Deb takes it, pulls out some cash and clears my tab. "I'm going to take you home, my car is out front." She stubs out my cigarette, and takes the pack away from me, leaving it on the counter. "Those things will kill you."

Deb helps me off the stool, puts her arm around me, I manage to walk almost straight and she gets me to her car. I lean back in my seat and close my eyes, as she does up my seat belt for me, I feel totally numb. I am not sure if I fall asleep, but Deb gently shakes me and I open my eyes, we are home, well Deb's home anyway. She takes me inside and into her room, I collapse on her bed. She pulls off my shoes and coat, then covers me with a blanket giving me a kiss on the forehead. "You need to sleep this off, I'll check on you in a while."

My eyes close, and I wake up what must be hours later, with a pounding headache, and feeling slightly nauseous. I roll over and look around the very feminine room, the pillow smell slightly floral and familiar.

"You're finally awake." I hear a soft voice and Deb is in the doorway. "You look a bit rough there, John." She has a large glass of water and some really good smelling tea which she puts on the bedside table.

"I feel like crap, but I guess I did it to myself." I slowly sit up and Deb tucks a couple pillows behind me, then hands me the tea. "Thanks for coming and getting me." I sip some of the tea.

"I'd say anytime, but I hope you don't do this often." Deb sits beside me on the bed and tucks a couple pillows behind her, turning slightly so she is looking at me. "So exactly what is going on? I have never, ever seen you drunk like that."

"Wendall….she….just left. She took Logan."

"What?" Deb sits up and stares at me "Why?"

I sigh "I went on that ski trip, got back, everything was fine. I go to take a shower, and then when I come out, she is livid." I pause "She found cocaine in my jacket pocket."

"Cocaine?" I can hear the concern in her voice "You're not…..please tell me you are _not_ using cocaine." She grabs my chin none too gently and turns my head so I am looking her in the eye. "John?"

"No Deb, I am not using cocaine, or any other drugs….well unless you call getting stupid drunk today and smoking using drugs. There were a lot of people around the chalet, I know there were drugs being used, we got those we could to leave, but….I guess someone left some in my jacket….along with a joint."

"How did you fly with that in your jacket."

"We had a private plane, so they don't check like they do on the commercial airlines. Which I'm thankful for, could you imagine if security had caught me with that? I'd be in jail, I could lose my medical licence."

"So you promise me that you're not using, right?"

"I'm _not_ using Deb, I learned my lesson, and you can tox screen me if you like." I meet her eyes and she knows me well enough to know I am telling her the truth.

"No, I believe you."

"Well, I'm glad _someone_ does." I know this sounds bitter.

"Wendall didn't believe you."

"Nope, she just assumed the worst, thought I was lying to her, took Logan and left." This last part comes out in a whisper, and I know I am starting to crack.

Deb can tell, she slides over and just hugs me and I lean against her taking a deep breath, trying to keep it under control.

"I don't think I can do this."

"Do what?"

"Go through losing her….I just….can't." I choke up and can't say another word.

"I am sure when she calms down, you can talk to her. Just give her a little time, John, you know she loves you."

"Does she? I don't know… she sure the hell doesn't trust me. She takes my son, like I would ever do anything to hurt him. She can't even stay and talk to me, she just…. walked out. How are we going to make it work, if she doesn't trust me, runs away when there is something we need to deal with – honestly Deb, I don't know how we are going to get through this. " I feel angry again, my emotions are like a roller coaster.

Deb sighs "I know you wouldn't hurt Logan, you love him too much, and you've been a great dad. She'll realize that, John."

"Maybe. Sorry for dragging you into this, you must have better things to do with your day, I should probably go home."

"John, you have always been there for me, you are my friend and I want to be there for you. Just relax, you might as well stay and try to have something to eat. We can hang out, watch a movie, you should stay here tonight. I didn't have big plans, and we haven't had a chance to get together for a while."

"Are you sure, if you had a hot date or something, I wouldn't want you to miss it."

"I wish….no nothing as exciting as that. So….do you think you could eat?"

"I don't know, I still feel a little queasy, I think I drank quite a lot."

"I think so too, I really have never seen you drunk, at least you aren't one of those loud obnoxious ones."

"No, I guess not. I don't drink much usually, it's another addiction, and not encouraged. I guess that is what I will always be, an addict. No matter how long it's been since I last used, someone always has to remind me, I'll be paying for those 3 months the rest of my life."

Deb hugs me again "I hope not, I think you have paid enough for one mistake, it's not like you just decided to use one day because you were bored either. What you went through, I don't know if I could have handled it."

"Not like I had a choice, it was something that happened, and at least I lived….Lucy…..Deb, I can still see her eyes, she was…..terrified, she knew she was dying on that floor. Then her mother came to visit me….and I had to lie to her."

"What do you mean, you lied to her."

"She told me how wonderful Lucy thought I was, her favourite resident, that she always talked about me. Then she asked me….I don't think I can ever forget how she said it 'when that man stabbed you, what were you thinking, no, what did it feel like'. How do you answer that, Deb. I already felt responsible for her dying, her mom is sitting there telling me how wonderful she thinks I am, but I was supposed to be supervising her, I didn't do a good enough job, and she died."

"John, did she really ask you that?" Deb sounded horrified and I could feel her grip tighten.

"Yeah, she did, so I lied, I told her it happened fast, I didn't know what was going on and it didn't hurt at all. That is what she needed to hear – she was grieving for her daughter, I couldn't tell her the truth, Deb."

"Did you ever tell anyone this?"

"Just Benton….he visited me a lot in the hospital and he came to see me just after Barbara Knight left. And now you. I….just couldn't talk about it."

"How could she ask you that? Didn't she get what you had been through that night?"

"She didn't see Deb, she didn't know, I don't hold it against her, she was upset, she'd just lost her only child. I get how that feels, losing a child is….devastating Deb. I lost my brother, I lost my son. I've lost family, I've lost friends. I get how painful it is when someone you love dies."

"Still John, I'm sorry, I didn't know you went through that."

I shrug "It doesn't matter now, just, I'm tired of the immediate judgement – Wendall judged me, convicted me, found me guilty without even listening to what I had to say – if she didn't know what happened back then, would she have jumped right to the conclusion I was using cocaine. Probably not. So one mistake will follow me forever, it is costing me yet again, now I lose my family. Guess I have survived that more than once, but I just…." I fall silent, I can't say what I'm thinking – and that is –what's the point, if I lose Wendall, lose my son, there is nothing left.

"I know….just don't give up quite yet."

I stay the night at Deb's, we talk, watch a movie, eat a little, and finally go to bed. I don't sleep well, and I am grateful I am with Deb, that she didn't let me be alone tonight - I don't think I could bear it.

Wendall

I stay at Susan's we talk for a while, play with the boys and have some dinner, though I don't eat much and I'm distracted. She seems to think that I am over reacting, and tells me to call John. But I'm just not ready.

I stay at Susan's, then the next morning I have the courage to go home. But he's not there, and I know he doesn't have a shift today. It looks like he didn't stay at the house last night, so where is he? I call his cell phone.

"Hello?" A feminine voice answers. I can't speak, how could he do this to me? I hit the off button. First drugs, now some woman is answering his cell phone when he clearly spent the night elsewhere. So, drugs and he's cheating on me too?

I go upstairs and grab a suitcase, throw in some clothes, then go into Logan's room and find him some clothes as well. I take off my ring and put it on the bedside table – tears are running down my face.

My cell phone rings – it's John's cell phone number and I click off to send it to voice mail. Not even a minute later my phone rings again. I sigh and pick it up "What."

"Wendall, you called me. Where are you?"

"At home, packing." This is met with silence.

"Packing" he finally says in a flat tone "Where are you going?"

"I don't know, but…. you know a woman just answered your phone, John, I can see you weren't home at all last night, and some woman answers your cell phone? What do you expect me to do, hang around?"

"Wendall, that was…" I don't listen I just hit the off button, drop it on the bed, and zip up the suitcase.

My phone rings again I ignore it, and walk out, leaving it ringing on the bed. I pick up Logan and leave the house, take the BMW, and hit the road, heading out of Chicago. I decide that I will visit a friend in Boston. I don't call anyone, and anyway, my cell phone is on the bed. I just want to disappear for a few days.


	35. Chapter 35

Susan

Carter calls me and tells me he won't be in for a few days. His voice is flat, emotionless when I ask if he is okay.

"Not really, Susan, but I guess you probably know that."

"Did you talk to Wendall, she went home."

"I tried, but she packed, took Logan, the car, left her ring, and I have no idea where she is. She left her cell phone too. Deb answered my phone, and Wendall freaked out, didn't even let me tell her it was just Deb, she was gone by the time I got home. Susan, I need to find her. If she calls you, I need to talk to her." With that he hung up in my ear, again.

Oh Wendall, what are you doing, I think to myself.

Carter

I call Susan, and she seems to think that Wendall has come home, and she has, but she just took some clothes and left.

I found her ring on the nightstand, and her phone on the bed. So…I guess that's it, she's done with me. I sink down on the bed, and just sit there for a while, staring at her ring, turning it on my finger. Kind of the story of my life, just when I think I am happy, things are going well, it all crumbles around me. I am trying to make sense of this, of why she got so angry, why she wouldn't even take the time to listen.

I finally put the ring back in its box and drop it in the top drawer of my dresser - I know it should go in the safe, it is worth...well a whole lot of money...but also nothing if Wendall is not wearing it.

I don't know what to do next, so I call Susan back

"Carter, did you find Wendall?"

"No, I have no way of contacting her, she left her phone. Sorry for hanging up on you earlier...I am just.."

"You don't need to apologize or explain, John, I know you are upset about this."

"Are you in today?"

"Yes, but you obviously can't work today, Carter."

"No, I'm going to come in and you are going to do a tox screen. I need it on record."

I arrange to meet her and we go into an exam room and I let her draw blood, and I give her a urine sample too.

"Are you sure you want me to be the witness? I could get one of the guys…."

"I'll turn my back, you're a doctor Susan, it's not like you haven't seen plenty. Besides, I don't want to explain, not right now, I...would like to kind of keep this private until I know what is going on."

"Yeah…okay." She wrote up the lab slips then stops to look at me. "I tried to get her to talk to you. Can I ask you outright – was it yours? You're not using are you?" She sighs "I guess that's a stupid question since you're letting me run a tox screen."

I look her in the eye "Susan, there were a lot of people around, some I didn't know, they all had access to my jacket. I had no idea it was there until Wendall winged it at me. And then she calls my phone, Deb answers and now I guess I'm sleeping around too."

"If she calls what do you want me to say."

"Just, tell her to come home so I can talk to her."

"So no idea where she went?"

"No, but maybe the police will find her."

"You reported her missing."

"No, I reported my car stolen…she's not on the registration. It's missing. We had a fight, the police aren't going to search for her as a missing person. I have a private investigator watching her cards, but it will be while before she uses them, I think. She emptied out my emergency cash, _that_ could last a while."

Susan looks at me with her mouth open "I don't think that is going to win you points. That's harsh Carter."

"So is taking my one year old son and disappearing, without even giving me the chance to clear this up. She left her ring Susan, so I guess for her, I'm convicted, guilty, and not worth the time. The tox screen will come back clean, but you don't need to tell her that, keep it to yourself. If you could not put me on the schedule for a while, I think I shouldn't be working."

"So how much cash does she have?"

I raise an eyebrow "$20,000".

Susan just stares at me for a second "Wendall took $20,000….wait….you keep that much in your house?"

"Well, I don't just keep it in my sock drawer or anything, it's secure, but yes, I keep a reasonable amount available for emergencies. And Wendall knew where it was, how to access it, and its gone."

Susan

I have never seen Carter quite so angry, but then I guess I can't blame him. Everything was perfect, he goes away for a few days, and suddenly Wendall has gone off the reservation. She has taken his son, his car and $20,000 in cash.

I understand her concern about drug use, but she needs to just talk to him – he has always been honest with her, and for some reason she is not trusting him. And I really don't get why. Then Carter tells me he needs to take some time off.

"I agree, take as much time as you need. Carter…I'm sorry, I don't know why she is doing this – she loves you, you know. Try to be patient, you two can work this out."

"Can we? Do you thinks so? To do that, she might have to actually be here, which she's not." He does have a point, but I am hoping she will come to her senses and just get home. He continues. "She just….takes off. If I had done something, maybe I could understand, but I haven't."

"How did you get through security, good thing no one found it."

"We flew from the Executive Airport, they don't check the private planes."

"Private plane, right, you went with Jim. Does he know what's going on?"

"No, I prefer to keep this private for now, I don't want to discuss this with everyone. Deb knows, and you know, but that's it, so please don't talk about it at work."

"No problem, you don't need to good old rumour mill running. I'll let you know if I hear from her. I think she just needs to get herself home and talk to you. I'm sorry, John." I give him a big hug, he needs it.

Wendall

I visit my friend Gina in Boston for two weeks, she has been great to talk to, and she has made me see some sense. She is in social work too, and she asks me a bunch of great questions, just like she would if I was a client. Is he is ever abusive, if I have seen any signs of drug use, mood swings, if he is drinking, out partying, any of those things that would be concerning.

And I have to tell her no, none of those things apply. He goes out with his friends sometimes, but he never comes home drunk, he is great with his son, he's certainly never been abusive, he just doesn't have that in him. He can have a bit of a temper, but not in a way that would ever worry me, I get angry sometimes too. The ski trip is the only concern I have, and I told him to go - he is right, if there were a bunch of people around the house, someone could have put it in his pocket without him knowing. Gina agrees, I jumped to a conclusion, and I have to give him a chance to tell his side.

I love John so much, and I know he loves me, but I lost it, and I am still struggling to understand why. Gina tells me I need to go home and deal with this, it sounds like John doesn't deserve me disappearing with his son, he has been a good father. He took care of Logan by himself when I was in the hospital, and has been…pretty great really. I know she's right, I need to go home, but it is not that easy, I have made a big mistake and he is going to be very angry with me, so I put it off.

The last few days I have been here, I have felt pretty nauseous in the mornings and I have been tired. It could be just stress, but I was late and was going to talk to John when he got home from Telluride, but then….well I left before I could. It is confirming what I have suspected these last two weeks so I buy a test, and sure enough, I get a little blue plus sign. I'm pregnant.

I am excited about it, but nervous too, what if John thinks I'm just coming home because I'm having another baby. And what if he doesn't want me back, I know I have hurt him and he must be really angry with me for disappearing.

I pick up and put down the phone about 10 times before Gina says "Just call the guy already. You have to let him know you and Logan are okay, he must be worried, Wendall. The longer you wait, the worse it is going to get."

I make a call, but I dial Susan. She picks up after two rings "Hello?" She doesn't recognize the number, I'm calling from Gina's phone.

"Susan, it's Wendall."

"Wendall! Are you okay? Where are you?"

"I'm fine, Logan's fine, I'm visiting a friend in Boston."

"I'm glad you're okay."

"Susan, how is John doing?"

"You haven't called him? Wendall, you need to call him. He's not doing well, you've disappeared, with his son, how do you think he could be doing? You need to come home and talk to him, straighten this out."

"I know Susan, he's probably pretty angry with me, and I don't blame him. I want to come home, Susan, but I'm not sure he wants me back."

"Why don't you call and ask him. He has been trying to find you, he is worried about you and about Logan, he hasn't heard from you in two weeks. I hate to see the two of you like this, I thought you loved him."

"I do, Susan, I don't know why I didn't just stay and talk to him. Will he want me back?"

"I can't speak for him, but he still loves you, I know that. And I think you were too quick jumping to conclusions."

"I know, I just can't seem to get the courage to pick up the phone. And, Susan, there's something else."

"What?"

"I'm…..pregnant, I don't want him to think I'm coming back just because of that. And I don't want him to take me back just because I'm having his baby."

"What! Were you two…trying to have a baby? Or is this…unplanned and that's why you're scared."

"No, we wanted a baby….so if I hadn't left, I think John would be pretty happy about it, but now….I'm not so sure. I suspected before I left Chicago, I'm probably about 6 weeks."

"Call him and get home….you can't keep this from him Wendall. He needs to know, sooner rather than later. And you need to bring Logan back, he misses his son. The longer you wait the worse this gets."

I finish my call to Susan, then I gather my courage, and call John's cell phone. "Hello"

I take a deep breath "Hi, it's…."

"I know who it is…. where are you?" He doesn't sound happy, but he's not yelling at me either.

"I'm with my friend Gina, in Boston. I've been here two weeks. John, we're both okay, Logan is okay."

"Good." There is relief in his voice. The he says tentatively "When are you coming home….or are you coming home?"

"Can I come home? I…..made a big mistake, John, I should have stayed, and worked this out with you. I love you…..I miss you, and I really want to come home. I can leave today and be home in a couple days."

"No." My heart sinks as he says this. Then I feel a surge of hope "I'm going to fly up to Boston. I think we should do this now. I have been really worried, I don't think I can wait two days for you to get home."

"Okay, do you want me to let Gina know you're coming?"

"I'll book a hotel room – I'll get us a suite, it will give us some privacy to talk. Let me call Katey and get her to book everything. I'll get a car from the airport – will you meet me at the hotel?"

"Yes, let me know which one and when your flight is coming in."

I hang up, my emotions are in turmoil. At least he at least he wants to see me, but what if he just takes Logan? What if he doesn't want me anymore?"

Carter

My phone rings with an unfamiliar number that looks like Boston – I know this because my dad calls from there sometimes. I pick up quickly, and I am glad I did because it's Wendall.

I have a rush of emotions, I want to yell at her, let out my anger, but I don't. I try to keep my voice even, find out where she is, and my heart skips a beat when she says she wants to come home.

Instead, I tell her I am flying to Boston – it is a couple days of driving to get home to Chicago, and I know I can't sit around waiting for her to get here.

I ask if she will meet me at a hotel, and she agrees. I call Katey she starts to work on booking a one way flight, a suite at the Ritz and a car from the airport. She's the best travel agent ever, and calls me back within 30 minutes, I have packed a bag, I am ready to leave for the airport. She has found me a flight leaving in two hours, and has sent a car which is on the way to my house as we speak.

I call the number Wendall left for me and let her know we have a booking at the Ritz and she can check in anytime. I ask her if she has the credit card I gave her, and she does, so I tell her to use it for check in. The car arrives, I lock the house, and I'm on my way to the airport.

I finally arrive at the hotel, it has seemed like a long flight, even though it's only a couple hours. Wendall has checked in, but left me a key at the desk, so I go up to the room, take a deep breath and unlock the door.

I am not sure how this is going to go, I haven't seen her in two weeks, and I am very angry, although relieved she finally called me. I spent the entire flight thinking about what to say to her, but I don't really know, I love her but this whole thing has shaken our relationship to the core.

I step into the suite and put down my bag, Wendall gets up from the sofa and just looks at me for a moment, then she starts to cry. I take a couple steps towards her, and she flings herself into my arms clinging to me.

"Shh, Wendall." I automatically wrap her in my arms and pull her close, resting my cheek on her hair. I close my eyes fighting my own emotions.

We just stand there for a couple minutes until her crying slows to the occasional sob. She leans into me and rests her head on my chest. "I'm sorry" She whispers. "I don't know what I was thinking, but I'm so sorry."

She looks up at me with red puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks and I nod slightly "I think we should sit and talk. But first, where is Logan?"

"He's sleeping, they brought him a crib." She points to where he is resting in the living room.

I walk over and take a look, he peaceful and angelic. I have missed him so much, and I want to pick him up and hug him, but I don't want to wake him, so I settle for touching his cheek gently. I turn and see Wendall watching me with wary eyes. I take off my jacket and tie, then walk over and get us some water. I pull the French doors to the bedroom closed so we don't wake up Logan and we sit on the window seat.

"So, why Boston?" I need to just get us started talking without making it confrontational.

"I just…needed to get out of Chicago and my friend Gina is here. I went to University with her, she let us stay for a couple weeks."

"You have been here the whole time?"

"Pretty much." She nodded.

"Why did you need to leave Chicago?"

"I was upset, I was angry, and I was scared. I ran away – well I went home and then when that woman answered your phone….I just…snapped I guess."

"That woman…..was Deb. I was at Deb's, I was upset too, you went to Susan, I went to Deb."

"Jing Mei – you were at her house."

"Yes, Wendall, Jing Mei. I didn't cheat on you if that is what you were thinking. I have never cheated on you."

"I guess I already knew that – it was just…you weren't home all night, I could tell, and then she answers your phone."

"I asked her to grab it for me, and you didn't give me a chance to tell you when I called you back." I take a deep breath and continue. "I didn't use cocaine, I was telling you the truth about that. Yes, there were drugs at the Chalet, and a lot of people I didn't know some nights. Any of them had access to jackets, so maybe they put it in the wrong one…I don't know. I wasn't smoking or getting high, I made a mistake 7 years ago, and I guess I'm still paying for it. I definitely wouldn't bring drugs into our house, and take the chance Logan would get into them."

"Okay, I believe you." Her voice is soft, but I am still angry.

I sit back with my arms crossed and stare at her. "Just like that – you put me through two weeks of hell, leave town with our son, and break off our engagement…and it's that easy. I think I need a little more of an explanation here Wendall, like why didn't you even give me a chance to talk to you, you just jumped to conclusions, and walked out on me."

"I know, and I'm sorry. You're right, you told me about what happened, you were honest with me, and….even though you had given no indication, there were no signs you were using, I still got scared. Susan told me I was being…crazy and to just talk to you, and I was going to, then I got home and you hadn't been there all night, and a woman answers your cell phone. I guess I have had too many cheating boyfriends." This all comes out in a rush of words.

"And I'm not one of them." There is a tense silence and she looks down.

"I made a big mistake, John, I handled this badly. I love you and want to come home."

"So you come home, what happens next time something comes up, are you going to avoid talking and just run off? That doesn't work for me, by the way. I can't live like that, wondering. Things were going really well with us, then you just pick up and run off without even giving me a chance to talk to you. "

"I know, I didn't handle it well, but I promise, I won't run off. Maybe things have been almost too perfect, too good to be true."

"Too perfect? So we are lucky to have a great relationship, we love each other, and things were just….good. We don't have too much to fight about really – no money issues, no interfering families, we both work the same type of work schedules, have the same stresses at work – pretty much anyway. And until two weeks ago, I thought we trusted each other."

"We do trust each other, I was wrong to act like I didn't, to not believe you – I have no reason not to trust you."

I regard her quietly for a moment. "But you didn't…trust me, or believe me, so what's changed or what was it _really_ about then?"

Wendall shook her head "I don't know – reality setting in?"

"Reality? What does that _even_ mean – are we are going too fast? You don't want to get married? You think we moved in together too soon? I thought things were going really well with us, but I guess we are not on the same page."

"Things are going well, and I do want to marry you, I love living with you. You are a good dad, I love you. I just…..got a little scared, the drug thing, how that would affect your ability to be a good father. Then talking to Gina the last couple weeks, she made me realize that you haven't done anything to even suggest drugs were a problem, and even if they were, I love you and I should want to help, not run away"

"Well, they're not a problem, I'm around them every day and I don't have any desire to use, go back down that road, destroy what I have worked so hard to rebuild. You don't know what it was like, I came so close to losing my career, I just wouldn't do it. Not to mention that I have you and Logan, I wouldn't take the chance of losing my family because of drugs."

"I know, I see that now. I panicked, and I'm….a little emotional right now, we have some big changes coming in our lives."

"Yes, we do….so this is about trying to plan a wedding? We can hold off if you're not ready."

"No, I want to get married, it's more about having another baby." She whispers.

"I thought you wanted another baby….we have been...okay, so you don't want another baby, we can wait, in fact, we probably should wait. I think we have some issues that we need to deal with before we bring another child into this relationship. I thought we were solid, but now…I find maybe we're not."

"I am ready, I just got a little scared, finding the cocaine in your pocket, just when I thought everything was….perfect, I let my fear overcome what I knew to be true. And we can't hold off on the baby."

"Wait, what?" It takes a second for my brain to register the last sentence. "Are you pregnant Wendall?"

"I think I'm about 6 weeks." She whispers.

I put my face in my hands then run my fingers through my hair. This changes everything, absolutely everything. I take a deep breath and look at her again. "So when did you find out for sure."

"Today."

"And then you phoned me."

"Yes, I knew that I had to tell you right away, and also see if there was any hope you would take me back."

"You really want to come back? We're not going to be doing this again when something else happens and you decide you can't deal with it? I can't live like that and I don't think I could go through another two weeks of not knowing where you are, having you take my son away….and now we have another baby to consider too."

"I can't promise we will never fight, John, it's not realistic."

"I'm not asking you to promise we won't fight, just to promise that next time you don't disappear leaving me wondering if you are coming back, where you are, and worrying about you and my children." My voice is rising a bit now, I can't hide how angry I am, how hard these last two weeks were for me.

I see a tear track down her cheek and she hastily wipes it away. She knows I am far angrier than I have let on. I continue, but I try to calm down a bit. "I am asking for you to communicate, just talk to me – I get it if you need to cool down for a bit, but you don't need to leave the state for two weeks to do that."

Her voice is shaky as she answers "I can promise you, I won't do this again. I know I hurt you, I know it was stupid. I really have missed you, I love you and these two weeks have made me realize I don't want to live without you. I want to marry you, I want to have this baby with you – I need you to forgive me and let me come home."

Wendall

I am glad I had the courage to call him. Gina is right, if I left it longer I might not be able to repair the damage, it was just going to get harder every day. Susan warned me too, that if I ran away, I might lose him, and maybe I have lost him, I don't know yet."

I say good bye to Gina and she tells me I am doing the right thing. I drive to the hotel, and check in, then wait nervously – it seems like forever before I hear the card key in the door.

As soon as I see him, I realize the magnitude of my mistake, he is angry, I can tell, but bigger than the anger is how I've hurt him. I break down in tears and I can't stop myself – I wrap my arms around him and just cry. He doesn't push me away like I expected, he puts his arms around me and just holds me there until I stop.

He asks to see his son – I guess he hasn't seen him much in the past three weeks, with the trip and me coming to Boston. I can tell he wants to pick him up and hug him, but he just touches his cheek gently and lets him sleep. I half expected him to take our son and walk out on me, but instead he takes of his jacket.

Then we start to talk – I didn't know how to even begin, so I am grateful he takes the lead and just starts asking me questions. I appreciate he doesn't yell at me, he just opens a discussion and I try to explain, but I know I am not doing a good job, he doesn't really understand.

Then I tell him about the baby, and I wait, I hope he is not thinking that is the only reason I'm coming home, but I can't tell what is going on in his mind, he is keeping it well hidden. I tell him I love him, I want this baby and I want to marry him, to come home, to have him forgive me, my heart is pounding, I don't know what else to say.

I look into his eyes and he is still not giving much away – his eyes are usually very expressive, but he is masking his emotions. I can see a hint of anger, and I can hear it in his voice, which rises as he finally lets me see a bit of what he is actually feeling. But I know I deserve his anger, and I am on the verge of tears again, I can't lose him.

"I can promise you, I won't do this again. I know I hurt you, I know it was stupid. I really have missed you, I love you and these two weeks have made me realize I don't want to live without you. I want to marry you, I want to have this baby with you – I need you to forgive me and let me come home." I wipe away the tears again and I wish I knew what he was thinking right now.

After what seems like forever, he reaches out and pulls me into his arms, and I feel hope as he hugs me tightly. "I want you to come home too, I love you, and I've missed you both a lot." He says this softly against my hair. I tip my head up and we share a tender kiss and I melt into his arms, maybe we are going to be okay, even if we have more to talk about.

He pulls away and goes out quietly to where his bag is resting on the floor, and he brings it into the bedroom, then shuts the doors again. He pull something out and sits beside me on the window seat.

"Do you want this back?" He is holding out my ring and I nod, wiping a tear off my cheek. I hold out my left hand and he slips it onto the rightful finger then gives my hand a kiss.

"Thank you – I love you." I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him again, and we lose ourselves in exchanging kisses, touches and soft words. He picks me up and then lays me down on the bed, joining me there. He leans down and our lips meet again, I start to undo his shirt, and then we are undressing each other, we make love for the first time in the two weeks.

**Carter**

We lay in bed, with Wendall's head on my chest, I rest my hand on her still flat belly, thinking about the life growing within her. I am trying hard to forgive, I know it is going to take some time, but I do love her. She puts her hand over mine.

"John." She says this softly "I love you. And I love this baby already."

"I love you too. So, six weeks, that happened pretty fast."

"I was nervous about telling you, I didn't know if you would want me back, I didn't want us to be together just because I'm pregnant."

"No, we're together because we love each other, we decided to have this baby for the same reason" I hear her let out a soft breath that almost sounds like relief.

I continue "Do you want to spend a few days in Boston? Before we get back into routine? It will take us at least couple days to drive back, so maybe another 3 or 4 here before we leave?"

"Really? I would love that. I think it will be good for us, give us some family time with no other distractions."

"That's what I was thinking too. Not the best time of the year for a visit to Boston, but we are already here. I really missed both of you, and I need some time with Logan." I know we need some time to get back on track, to repair our relationship.

"He'll be up soon, so we should probably get dressed." Wendall kisses me then slides out of bed, gathering up her clothes and starting to dress.

I follow suit, pulling on my clothes. "Do you want to get something to eat, then we can take him out for a few hours."

"Sure, I'm actually hungry, I haven't been eating too much the past couple weeks."

"You need to eat properly Wendall, so we will make that the next stop. Boston has some great restaurants, so let me know what you feel like and we will go find it."

"Okay….I hear you, I will take care of myself. And….I need to phone Susan, and you should phone Deb."

I nod, and step out of the bedroom to phone Deb as Wendall picks up the room phone and dials – her cell phone is at home, I didn't think to throw it in my bag.

Deb answers on the first ring "John, are you in Boston?" I called her before I left, to let her know where I was going.

"Yes, I'm at the hotel with Wendall, we had a chance to talk, and she is coming home with me, but we are staying here a few days, then driving back."

"So you've worked things out?"

"Mostly, I guess, but, it is going to take time to get back on track. And…..Deb?"

"What?"

"Wendall's pregnant – about 6 weeks."

"What! Was this….planned?"

"Yeah, it was, I just…..it happened so fast, and now this….what if…." I can't even verbalize what is racing through my head. It doesn't help that I'm exhausted, I have barely slept or eaten in two weeks, and today was an emotional roller coaster.

"John, it will be okay. You need to get some sleep, eat something and that will help, you can't be thinking to clearly right now, you have to be exhausted. I'm here if you want to talk anytime." Deb has been my rock these last two weeks, we have spent a lot of time talking both in person and on the phone, and she knows I haven't done well, that I'm an emotional mess.

"Thanks Deb. I don't know what I would have done without you, I really don't."

"You're welcome, you know I love you, you are my best friend. I am glad I could help."

"Back at you Deb, I'll see you in a few days."

We hang up, I can hear Wendall still talking to Susan, but more importantly Logan is awake and calling to me from the crib. I scoop him up and give him hugs and kisses, he giggles and says "Dada!" in a delighted voice. And that makes everything worthwhile.

**Wendall**

I dial Susan's number and it rings a couple times before she answers.

"Susan, it's Wendall."

"I'm happy to hear from you. Did you talk to Carter?"

"He's here, in Boston. He flew up this afternoon, right after I called him."

"Oh boy. So how did it go, did you work things out?"

"Well, he agreed to let me come home, and he gave me back my ring, so things are as good as can be expected."

"What did he say about the baby?"

"That's all fine, Susan, we planned on getting pregnant, and he wants the baby. I think it is going to take some time, though, still a little tense between us. I wish I had listened to you, and just talked to him, coming up here was not the best idea I've had."

"He's still pretty angry with you?"

"Yes, and I don't blame him, it was a stupid move. He was worried, and I know he missed Logan, I am not sure either of us has slept for the past two weeks."

"Well, I know Carter wasn't sleeping, he didn't come in to work either, he said he didn't want to end up killing a patient. He was very distracted."

"I'm sure he was, he didn't know where we were or if we were coming back, and I am sorry I did that to him. Anyway, we are spending a few days here, then driving back. We are both exhausted and need time to reconnect, have some family time with Logan."

"So call me if you need to talk, and I'll see you in a few days."

I hang up and can hear Logan giggling. I walk around the corner and see them together, and I can't believe I ever could have thought John would put his son in any danger. They both look so happy, I watch as John gives Logan a big hug and Logan grins and grabs for a handful of hair, laughing as his dad tosses him lightly in the air and catches him. I love them both so much.

**Carter**

We all bundle up warmly and walk to a nearby restaurant, and have an early dinner. I am pretty hungry since I have barely been able to eat in the past two weeks. It is still a bit difficult between Wendall and I, and we talk a bit about what Logan has done in the past 2 weeks. He is about 14 months old now, and changes quickly, so I feel like I have missed out.

After we eat, we find an indoor playground and chase him around for a while. He is happy, laughing and giggling, and the three of us are in a great mood at the end. I carry him in my arms back to the hotel, and he has some more playtime in the large Jacuzzi tub before I put on his pajamas and read him a bedtime story. Soon he is rubbing his eyes and yawning, I cuddle him for a while, as he drifts off I tuck him into the crib for the night.

I stand and watch him sleep for a few minutes, Wendall comes up beside me and puts her arm around me, leaning into my chest. "I can't believe he is a year old now, he's so much fun, so happy."

"I know, I missed him so much, I just can't seem to look at him enough."

"He was really happy to see you, I can see how much you love each other, you're a great dad, John."

I look down into her eyes, and I can see she is trying not to cry. I give her a hug and a kiss.

"Maybe we should take a swim in that big tub or order something from room service? I'm still kind of hungry."

She smiles at that "You're always hungry, but you know what, I could probably eat too. Maybe a hot fudge sundae?"

I laugh "We might be able to arrange that – I was thinking a burger and fries to start, you want any actual food, or just ice cream?"

"Food, then ice cream?"

"Okay, tell me what you want, and I will just get them to bring the sundae about half an hour after they deliver the food."

I phone and order food, including tea and some juice. It doesn't take long to arrive, we eat and then the sundae arrives and Wendall enjoys every bite, even sharing some with me.

While she finishes, I run some hot water and bubble bath into the tub and climb in, Wendall comes in when she hears the water shut off "Room for me in there?"

"Of course." I watch as she drops her clothes and steps into the tub, she leans back against my chest and I put an arm around her.

We soak and relax in silence both of us lost in our own thoughts.

**Wendall**

Today has been like being on a roller coaster, but now I am relaxing in John's arms and I think maybe it is all going to be okay. He is here, with me and our son, and that is all that matters in this moment. I know it is going to take a while to get back to where we were, but I swear I am not going to let this ring leave my finger again.

We are both silent, and I think from Susan's comments, neither of us have really slept much in the past couple of weeks, the emotional toll is making itself known. The water starts to cool down and John breaks the silence.

"I think it is time to get out of here, I need some sleep." He yawns and it's contagious, next thing I know I am yawning too.

I stand up and grab a towel, wrap up and move into the bedroom. I pick up John's shirt and slide it on, and inhale, it still smells like him. I flip back the covers and snuggle down into the king size bed, plumping up the pillow and I close my eyes. I hear John dig in his bag, then feel his weight next to me in the bed and the light clicks off.

I roll towards him and he puts an arm around me, I have missed having him close to me. I drift off into the first peaceful sleep in weeks.

I wake up just as the morning light starts to seep into the room. I feel warm and loved, John has me pulled in close to his body and I can feel his breath on my neck. He is fast asleep still and the room is totally silent, so I let my eyes close again. I drift in and out of sleep for a while, John doesn't even twitch, he must have been really tired.

I wake up again and the room is fully light, I am alone in the bed and I can hear John talking and Logan babbling back at him. There is a knock on the door and soon I smell the aroma of fresh coffee.

**Carter**

I wake up as the light becomes bright and I can hear Logan stirring in his bed, I disentangle myself from Wendall and dress quietly.

I go out and rescue him from the crib, get him changed and order us some breakfast. I am feeding him when Wendall pads out of the bedroom, still wearing the dress shirt she borrowed last night.

"Morning you two." She leans down and gives Logan a kiss on top of his head, then gives me a long warm kiss.

"Sleep well?"

"I haven't slept that well in weeks. You?"

"Pretty good, I haven't been sleeping well either lately." I give Logan another bite of egg and Wendall nods in understanding. "There's coffee, water for tea, and I got breakfast for Logan and I, but I didn't know what you wanted or how long you were going to sleep so order whatever you would like."

Wendall shakes her head, and just helps herself to a piece of my toast. "I'll have some tea, but I am a little bit nauseous in the mornings, so I'll eat a little bit later."

"Has the morning sickness been bad?"

"Not so far, by lunchtime I am usually feeling better but I haven't really had much of an appetite anyway the last couple of weeks. " She takes another bite of the toast and pours some water over the teabag.

"Was it bad with Logan?"

"Some days, yes, so I expect I'll have a few rough mornings, but it's part of having a baby." She shrugs, then looks at me. "By 12 weeks I'll be fine, or I was with Logan anyway." She rests a hand on her stomach "Boy or girl?"

"It doesn't matter to me, I just want a healthy baby. You?"

"I'd kind of like to have a girl, but in the end, I will love this little person no matter what." She finishes off the toast "I am going to get dressed and then we can decide what we want to do today."


	36. Chapter 36

**Susan**

I am meeting Wendall this morning for coffee….well tea actually as we are both pregnant. I am pretty excited for both of us, but I am thinking that the wedding plans will have to be revised. But then maybe they already have been, Carter gave her back the engagement ring but I'm not sure how things are really going, as both of them have been pretty quiet about what happened in Boston. They have been back from about 3 weeks, and at work they both seem fine. No one but the four of us know what happened, we have a bit of a pact not to mention it at work – so Jing-Mei, Carter, Wendall and I just pretend that it was a trip to visit a friend in Boston, and Carter went up to join her. The rumour mill is damaging in of itself, so I am sure Carter would not be happy to have to explain it to anyone, and he certainly doesn't want to admit to being in possession of cocaine, no matter if it wasn't his. I believe him, though he made a mistake in the past, he paid for it, and I don't see him getting into the hard core illegal drugs. And his tox screen was 100% clean, though I was not surprised.

"Susan, how are you. You are looking great!"

I am 5 months pregnant and feel like I have a beach ball under my shirt. Wendall is 10 weeks, so really not showing yet. And she is one of those lucky ones, when she was pregnant with Logan, she had one of those cute little bellies, not the beached whale look that I seem to sport. "I am feeling good, how are you?"

"Well, getting better, the morning sickness is letting up, and wasn't as bad as I expected. Kind of tired still though. We have an ultrasound in a couple weeks, I can't wait to see it!"

"Carter mentioned that, sounds like you are going to Northwestern to have the baby? Surprised you don't just stay at County."

"No, John refused to go to County. I went to Northwestern to have Logan, and I liked my OB so it kind of makes sense."

"But Carter has worked at County forever and he knows the OB's – Janet and Vicky are great."

"Vicky was the OB last time…..I think he avoids the labour and delivery floor at County, he lost his son there."

I tend to forget about Joshua, it has been over 2 years, but it still must be difficult for Carter. Northwestern is a nice hospital and much closer to home for him, and he is still only part time so I guess it really is the better choice. "Right, I wasn't even thinking, Carter just said it was a nice hospital and you had Logan there, so I didn't get into it much beyond that."

"I work at Northwestern sometimes too, and it's closer to the house."

"So how is everything else? You seem….like something is bothering you."

"You're right it is. Something is going on with John."

"Carter? What's up? He seems pretty good at work."

"I know, and he is great with Logan, and seems excited about the baby, and I think he is really trying, but he seems a bit closed off lately. Ever since Boston, it's not been quite the same, like his wall is back up and I don't know quite how to deal with it."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, on the surface it all seems okay, we talk and go to work, he plays with Logan all of that, but….I don't think he's sleeping all that much. I didn't notice at first, or maybe it wasn't a problem, but sometimes I wake up at night, and he's not in bed with me. He is in the house or outside, not going anywhere really, just, not sleeping. I mention it and he just says he's fine, but is he? I think there is something going on in his head, but he's not sharing it."

"Not sleeping, that's not a good sign. I know he didn't really sleep while you were in Boston, either. He talked to Jing-Mei a lot more than me though, and I think he still does. He talks to me, but he doesn't confide as much, maybe because you and I are closer now? But Jing-Mei is like his best friend from what I can see – he called her to talk when everything happened."

"Yeah I know, he was kind of upset with me - Jing-Mei answered his phone and I assumed...the worst. And I know I over reacted, they have never had a romantic type of relationship, they have just been friends. I didn't even give him the chance to tell me it was Jing-Mei who answered the phone, I just...got pissed at him. Do you think she would talk to me Susan? I am sure she will feel like what he tells her is in confidence, but I am worried. It's….just not the same as it was before he got back from the ski trip."

"You know it is going to take some time, right? He was pretty angry and….honestly Wendall, the fact that you didn't trust him, I think that is probably the hardest thing for him. But, ask Jing-Mei, see what she is willing to tell you. She knows him better than anyone I think – she was there – you know, when he was stabbed, when he had the drug problem, they knew each other as med students, so a long time."

Wendall nodded. "That's what John said, and of course he was her labour coach too and helped her that day - they have a pretty close friendship. So you say you haven't noticed anything at work, you're not concerned?"

"No his work has been great, and he isn't using drugs Wendall, if that's what you are worried about."

"I'm not worried about drugs, that was just me being crazy and hormonal. Everything he has told me is true, and...I believe him when he says he won't make the mistake again. I guess I'm just worried about, you know, him, me and where we go from here, if he's having second thoughts about...letting me come home."

"Oh Wendall." I hate to see her like this, and I hope that the two of them are going to be okay. This was really hard on Carter, though, he is a pretty forgiving guy, but he has also had some difficult relationships. "I know he loves you, that much is clear, but it's possible Jing-Mei will have an idea on how to get him to open up. He was kind of a mess those two weeks you were gone, you have to expect that it's not going to be better overnight – I think he kind of thought you weren't coming back, that he was going to have to try and find you. You took quite a bit of cash, you could have disappeared for a while."

"He told you? That was a doubly stupid move, wasn't it – cleaning out the emergency cash – I guess I could have gone underground for months with that much money, but I didn't think of it that way at the time. I just wanted to make sure I could pay for whatever I needed, and take care of Logan. He trusted me with access to that money, and when I got home I put it back." She paused "You know, it's interesting that he never even mentioned it either, like he didn't really care about the money. He was really only worried that we were okay, and that he knew where we were."

"He did mention it to me, but his main concern was trying to get hold of you, to talk to you. That is all he wanted - he told me if I heard from you just to have you call him, so he knew you were both okay. If you had spent it taking care of yourself and Logan, he wouldn't care, and it's probably why he hasn't made a big deal about it - he is just happy your here."

"I guess I have to really appreciate him for that, you know, he didn't yell at me or lose his temper when I saw him. In fact he was...pretty amazing about it. I totally broke down Susan, and he just...helped me deal with it. I don't know if I deserve it really, how good he has been about the whole thing. If we run into and issue again, I won't walk away...if I did, I don't think he would forgive me a second time. Seeing him with Logan makes me realize how ridiculous I was, that little boy loves his daddy, he just lights up when John is around. He is a great dad, Susan, I know I would never do that to either of them – they need each other."

"True, they do, and I am glad to hear you say that – nothing could destroy him faster than taking away his son….and you know he is going to be the same with this new baby, too. You both obviously wanted another baby, this was planned right?"

"Yes, it was, we talked about it when we were in New York, just after Logan turned 1. I didn't even realize how much I wanted another baby, until I was unpacking all the little girl stuff I bought – and we decided we were ready. And we were until I messed things up so badly, that made him reconsider but…I was already pregnant."

"Is that maybe it, he has concerns that you are ready for this? Given what happened?"

"It's possible I guess, but...I don't think that's it. I think if I wasn't, we might have decided to wait for a while, but...he doesn't seem to be worrying about having another baby. We both want more kids...I just don't think that is what is making him not sleep.

"Call Jing-Mei, and see what she says. If he isn't talking, then she might know. But don't worry, when he is ready he will talk to you.

We finish up coffee as I have to go to work, and Wendall calls Jing-Mei.

Wendall

I call Jing-Mei and she agrees to go for a coffee with me. I told her I am worried about John, and as he is a good friend, she wants to make sure he is okay.

"So, what's going on with you and John?" She cuts right to the chase.

I shrug "On the surface things are great, but….I don't think he is sleeping all that well, and it feels like….our relationship has been set back several months."

"Not sleeping? He seems fine at work, but then he can hide things pretty well sometimes - when he was an intern he did long hours with little sleep. I might have to ask him about it, without mentioning our conversation of course. You two have been through a pretty major shake-up in your relationship. He might just need some time."

"That's what Susan said too, that he needs time."

"Have you just asked him what is bothering him?"

"He says it's nothing, but if he is not sleeping well, then it's not nothing. I want to give him some space, after all it is my fault that we are having issues to start with, I made a huge mistake, and I know….well that it hurt him. But I worry, I need to fix things with him, I feel like if whatever is bothering him goes on too long, we might not get over it."

"Hurt him is a bit of an understatement Wendall, he wasn't sleeping or eating, he couldn't work, I have never seen him like that. You have to recognize, the lack of trust you showed is a big issue for him." She stops and considers me "I am not going to tell you what we talked about- he told me a lot in confidence. I am just going to give you my opinion.

"Okay, I understand, he's trusted you with personal information, and I respect that. Anything you can tell me though...I know he needs time, but is there anything else I can do to get us back on track?"

"In my view, John has paid for his mistakes and worked to get himself back on track. The drug addiction was 7 years ago, but it seems like people need to continually make it an issue. It was 3 months of his life, when he wasn't coping well with losing a friend and colleague he felt responsible for, he was recovering from a violent attack, and there were a lot of other…..extenuating circumstances. He didn't just get bored and decide that drugs would be fun, he was in pain, he wasn't getting the support or help he needed, everyone around him was too wrapped up in their lives to notice what was going on. That includes me, I'm not blameless and I wish I had noticed and done something sooner than I did." She takes a breath. "Do yourself a favour and let him move past that mistake, he took responsibility, and had the courage to get on with his life. You have to trust him, let him know that you do, find a way to show that."

I nod "I understand that my lack of trust is a real problem for him, but...how do I get him to talk, to tell me what is going on in his head?"

"He does have a tendency to shut himself off a bit at times, so I get your concern. I think right now...it is all about giving him time. I am sure he feels the need to protect himself a bit right now. He opened up to you, trusted you, and you broke that trust, or more specifically – he told you something that affected his past, and you used it against him, made a snap judgement."

I nod slowly "Go on."

"You ran away, that is especially difficult for him to deal with - and if you have talked to him about his relationship with his family, particularly his mother, then maybe you understand what a big mistake that was?"

Realization comes over me. "Of course, Eleanor..."

"Then you compounded your error, by taking Logan with you and cutting off contact – which made him think you didn't trust him with his son and when I answered his phone, you assumed the worst, that he had cheated on you too. He may not even realize he is shutting you out, Wendall, but - he loves you, that I do know."

"For a fact?"

"Yes, he's said so, he never stopped loving you - he wouldn't have let you come back if he didn't. He isn't that kind of guy that will just...pretend and make the best of it. That is what his parents did, and he never wants to be in that kind of marriage."

"That is true enough, we've talked quite a bit about his parents."

"Okay, so...he gave you that ring." She points at my left hand. "That is a special piece of jewelery, he didn't just go buy it pre-made, he had it custom made for you. I talked to him when you two got back from that trip to New York - you know he had to fly back to New York twice to make sure it was done before you went to Belize."

I shake my head "I had no idea, I thought he was on Foundation business. But you're right, it is a special piece, I know where he bought it."

"So you know, he put a lot of thought into it, and it is...a forever piece of jewellery, you don't give that kind of ring to someone unless you are expecting to spend, well the rest of your life married to them. It's not something you can just return if things don't go as planned, Wendall and it is worth...a hell of a lot."

I look her in the eye. "I know, I understand that. You know I love him too, right? That I want to be with him, with our children, be a family. I was relieved when he gave it back to me, I wasn't at all sure I deserved it. I know what I did, and I will forever be sorry for how I handled things. I'm not taking this ring off again Jing-Mei, I love him, and I almost lost him. I know that."

I feel very ashamed right now, Jing-Mei knows pretty much everything that happened by the sounds of it, and she is not my biggest fan right now. But she is right, I jumped to conclusions, didn't trust him on several levels, and it will be a big task to rebuild what I've torn down.


	37. Chapter 37

Carter

It is 3 am and I am awake, I am having a hard time sleeping through the night and this had been going on for a couple weeks now. I am trying to get things back on track with Wendall, but it has been difficult for me. I let her come home, I gave her back her ring, but something is still floating around my mind.

Did I just let her come home because I don't want to lose my son, and because she is pregnant? I want this baby, but to be honest, if she hadn't already been pregnant, after those two weeks, I wouldn't have agreed to another child, not right now anyway. I love her, but there are issues that I didn't know existed, things seemed perfect, until suddenly... they weren't. And I didn't see it coming, I could never have imagined she'd just up and leave, that she had that little trust in me, in us, in my love for her. Not to mention that she obviously was worried for our children – Logan, and our unborn baby, and I don't know what I did to make her think I could ever hurt our children.

Finally it is 5 am, so I can get up, get ready for my shift that will start at 7am. Wendall is starting to notice that I'm not sleeping well, and she has asked me about it, but I don't know how to answer. If I say what is on my mind without knowing what I want, then...will she just leave again?

I get to work, and Deb is in today too.

"Good morning."

"Hey Deb."

"You look a little tired, not getting much sleep?"

I shrug "Not enough I guess."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Maybe later, if you have time for a coffee or something."

"You're on, we should grab some dinner after work, I miss our daily talks."

"I bet you don't, but nice of you to pretend."

"No, I miss you, so, call home, or whatever you need to do, you're taking me for dinner."

"Ahhh, it's a free dinner you're after, now it all makes sense." We fall into our usual teasing pattern, and it is comforting, I don't know what I would do without Deb.

"Absolutely, so tonight, right?"

"Right."

I call and leave a message for Wendall that I am going out for dinner with Deb.

We meet in the lounge at about 7:15pm, once all our patients are passed on to the night shift. We make sure we pick a place a ways from the hospital, so we don't run into anyone from work. We both order and then Deb jumps right in.

"So what's going on John?"

"Not too much Deb, why do you ask?"

"You're not sleeping are you – you were off your game today, you looked overtired this morning, and you're…. distracted."

"That obvious?"

"Only to me, but I know you really well. So spill it."

"Yeah, okay, I have a hard time sleeping through the night, or sometimes even getting to sleep. I can't seem to shut down my brain, if that makes sense." Deb was there when I went through the aftermath of being stabbed, I won't even pretend with her that everything is okay, because it's not.

"Sure, what are you thinking about. Or do I really need to ask?"

"Maybe you can guess? Make it a game of 20 questions."

"Something to do with Wendall I bet."

"You're good at this game. So what about her?"

"Maybe it's harder for you to forgive her than you thought it would be. I know you love her, but can you forgive her."

I look at Deb "Keep going." I am a little worried that I am this transparent.

"I don't know, am I even close?"

I nod "It's a little scary actually. I do love her, I missed her even though I was unbelievably angry, you know that. Then…. when she told me about the baby, I knew I had to let her come home, it wasn't really a decision anymore. Deb, did I let her come back for the wrong reasons? Does she really believe that the drugs weren't mine, does she believe I didn't cheat on her, that…. she can trust me? Or did she just want to come home for the baby. I don't know anymore, I thought I did when we were in Boston, but…." I stop, I have revealed a lot, but this is Deb.

"Mmmmm, no wonder you're not sleeping, that is a lot going on in your head. Love isn't easy, is it."

"No, it sure isn't. I don't even know if it's enough. You know, in the past, it wasn't enough...with Kem, it wasn't nearly enough to overcome the issues. And I didn't see any of this coming. There was something wrong with the relationship and I was oblivious to it? Did she never trust me? I was just…. happy, and now I am second guessing everything."

"I think this is different though John, she's...not Kem. She hasn't emotionally shut down, she is very much there and wanting to fix things. It is understandable to second guess when someone over reacts to something that should have been so simple to resolve. I don't really get it either, but, she recognizes she made a big mistake. She still loves you, a lot it seems, and you love her. You have a son, and a baby on the way to take care of. In this case, I honestly think that love is enough, that you can get past this, if both of you want it to work."

"You're right, she is totally different, this situation is totally different."

"It sounds like your biggest issue is that she didn't trust you, is that right?"

"I guess it is, well and that she didn't stay to even talk about it, which left me worrying and in hell for about 2 weeks."

"You told her this in Boston, that it bothered you she didn't stay to talk, that she didn't trust you?"

"Of course, and I asked her what would happen next time we had an issue, if she would do the same thing."

"And what did she say."

"She promised she wouldn't, that she realizes that she doesn't have a reason not to trust me, and that she made a mistake."

"And now you're not trusting her."

I stop and think about this statement for a minute "I guess you're right, Deb, maybe I'm not, I want to trust what she says, but...I'm having a hard time with it, after what she did."

"John, you love her, do you still want to marry her? Can you imagine your life without her, do you want to be a family, you, her, Logan and this new baby?"

"Yeah, I do, I want all of that."

"Then you need to forgive her, truly forgive her. To me this sounds like a battle between heart and mind."

"How so?"

"From all the conversations we've had, it seems like your initial reaction, based on whatever was said between the two of you in Boston, was that you love her enough to work at this relationship, that you are not ready to give it up. But now you've had time to think, your mind is trying to over ride what your heart is telling you. I think you need to go with your initial reaction, go with what your heart is telling you. What is your heart telling you?"

I take in a deep breath "That I love her, that this is the best relationship I've ever had, that she's worth it, worth fighting for, I have too much to lose here."

"She must feel the same about you, she asked you to let her come home, you are both still trying to make this work. I know she loves you." Deb reaches over and takes my hand. "I know this is hard, but relationships are work, you know that - don't give up on her."

"You're right, I know you're right, I just have to figure out how we can get past this." I look at her "Thanks Deb, I was having a hard time sorting through this in my mind."

The server brings our dinner, and we talk about other things. Deb has put things in perspective for me, and suddenly I know what I need to do.

Wendall

John comes home late, he had called and said he was going out for dinner with Jing-Mei. And I am glad, maybe she can get him to talk, he trusts her. And she really cares a lot about John, she may have been more concerned about the not sleeping than she let on.

I am in our room getting ready for bed, when he arrives, I hear his keys drop on the side table downstairs, and he comes upstairs, takes his jacket off draping it neatly over the chair as he loosens his tie. He stops and we look at each other for a moment, I can see there is still a lot going on in his head right now. That scares me a bit, but I don't worry for long.

He moves towards me, puts his arms around me and kisses me. I inhale enjoying the warmth and security I feel that moment. We still haven't exchanged a single word, but I feel more secure than I have in the last month. He rests his cheek on my hair and lets out a breath. "I love you." It is said so softly, like he is trying not to break the spell we seem to be under.

"I love you too." I whisper. I lean into his chest, tightening my grip on his dress shirt, snuggling in as close as I can to him as he pulls me closer. We stand there for a minute and I know there is more he had to say, I just need to be patient.

His voice is gentle and soothing as he starts to speak again "I feel like we have been in limbo the past few weeks, we need to find a way to move forward. I'm sorry I haven't been able to…tell you what is on my mind. I know you've noticed, I just needed….a little time. Do you still want to marry me?"

I tip my head up so I can look into his eyes "Of course I want to marry you. I was starting to worry that you didn't want to marry me."

He leans down and kisses me again "No, I definitely want to marry you. I can't imagine living without you."

"So, what has been going on with you – the not sleeping, telling me it's nothing. I don't think it's been nothing, John." I say this evenly, quietly, hoping he will finally open up, let me know what he's thinking. He pulls away for a moment, and I close my eyes for second thinking 'please keep talking'.

He pulls off his tie and drops it on the chair, unbuttoning the top two buttons on his shirt, then he sits on the bed, pulling me to sit beside him. He turns and takes both my hands, playing a bit nervously with my ring. "You're right, it wasn't nothing. I've just been trying to sort things out in my head. It was, so hard those two weeks you were gone, thinking you might not be coming back. That you didn't trust me, and worst of all finding out…that you didn't trust me with Logan. Wondering if there had been something wrong all along, and I just didn't see it."

Without thinking I wrap my arms around him, knowing I have caused the pain he has been feeling. "It was never like that, I over reacted, and I'm sorry every day for leaving, it was the worst mistake I've ever made."

He buries his head against my neck, his arms loosely around my waist. He takes a couple deep breaths "We need to get past it, to let it go." He moves back slightly but keeps his arms around me, his eyes looking directly into mine. "I know it's not easy to do, to forgive yourself or to forgive someone else for mistakes, I've had to deal with that in my life already, more than once. And so have you. So,I want us to let what happened be in the past, just let it go. I have had second chances, and I don't want to be without you in my life. I want us to be a family, you, me, Logan and this baby." He rests a hand gently on my belly.

"And that is what has been going on with you?"

He nods "I know that you and me, us, it's what I want, and I hope you do too. What we have is worth fighting for, I'm not going to give up on us."

I feel a tear run down my cheek, I had been fearing the worst the past couple weeks, yet here he is, saying he is forgiving me, that he still wants us to be a family. John kisses away the tear, gently, and I turn slightly so our lips meet, wrapping my arms around his neck and running the fingers of one hand into his hair, pulling him towards me. After a couple minutes, we pull apart and I rest my head on his chest.

"I'm not giving up on us either, John, I have always wanted for us to be a family, and I think we are, we just have to get back on track. So, are you saying that you are going to totally forget what I did?"

"Forget? I don't think it's quite that easy Wendall, but... we don't have to live with it hanging over us, both of us walking around on egg shells, being so careful with each other. We can move on - you know, you gave me a second chance not so long ago, and I am grateful you did - I think we just...work. I need to do the same for you - the fact is, I don't want to live without you in my life. I have made mistakes, and I wish people could recognize I've made amends, fixed what I can and let me get on with my life - and that is what we are doing here - letting you move on with things without having to bring it up all the time."

I consider this, and I know exactly what he is saying - he made a mistake, but people still call him a drug addict even though he hasn't used in years. It keeps coming back to haunt him, I just did that exact thing to him. He doesn't want to do that with what happened between us, he wants to put it behind us.

"And I will do the same, let you move on, I am guilty of not letting you move on."

He has a bit of a smile now "Okay, so...let's move on, if you have anything else to say about it, then do it now."

"Just...thank you, I feel like a weight has been lifted off me, that you want to...still be here means everything."

"This only works because we both want it to, we both want to be here. And I hope that never changes. I haven't told anyone except Deb and Susan about what happened, and I don't think you have either, so it will make things easier for us to let it all go."

"I love you so much, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you."

"I love you too."


	38. Chapter 38

Epilogue

Carter

It turns out I was right, our relationship was worth fighting for, I have never been happier. We got married rather quickly after that night, it seemed like obstacles kept arising, so we just booked a vacation to St. Lucia, took some friends with us - Jim, Tiffany, Susan, Chuck, Deb, and her new boyfriend - and now husband Grant and got married at sunset on the beach. My dad was not too happy at first, but we had a nice reception at the Ritz in Chicago, and invited friends, colleagues and family to join us. That made up for it, I let him get involved in the planning which made him happy, as did having Wendall as his daughter in law.

The Carter Centre opened and I got a lot of support from various other private Foundations, so we have set up some endowments that should take care of operations for a long time. I still do the occasional event to lend support to good causes, and Wendall is always by my side. I hope my grandmother would be proud of what we accomplished, I miss her very much.

Wendall has turned out to be the perfect woman for me - we both enjoy our work, but we also make time to travel, spend lots of time outdoors in active pursuits, and best of all, we do all of this with our family and friends. Our second child was another boy, who we named Dylan Chase Carter, and we recently welcomed our third child into the family, a beautiful baby girl, Jayda Elizabeth Carter. Logan is a proud big brother to both his siblings.

My mother has missed out on all this, she has chosen to be absent from our lives, but then she pretty much always was. I still have a somewhat reserved relationship with my dad, but he is making an effort to be part of his grandkids lives, so I accept it. I am fully involved with my children, I have vowed not to let them grow up like I did, without the full support of their parents. They want for nothing, and have privileges, it's true, but as they grow up I intend to involve them in charitable pursuits, but also let them be who they are, and let them choose careers that make them happy. Logan loves to visit me at work, so maybe we will have another doctor in the family.

In the end, my life is good, I have the woman I love, beautiful, healthy, happy children, and close friends. In short, the family I always wanted.


End file.
